I Don't Get it (NT Need for Emotional Reassurance)

[Cosmophylla]

Yes, I do sometimes need reassurance, but concrete, practical reassurance based on fact, not on emotion.

Thanks for making that distinction... I think that's an important one, and I agree. Generally, I prefer factual reassurance to emotional support. It's dependent on the situation.

Anxiety needs a special mix of fact and emotion. Depression does better with a heavier dose of emotional support. It also depends on who it's coming from.

 

[NiceCupOfTea]

Haven't read the replies yet but there are a couple of odd things about the original post.

1). You bought not one but six meals for a colleague whose first name you didn't even know? Isn't that a bit overkill?
2). Do you have a photographic memory? I can't remember what was said 5 minutes ago, let alone being able to reprise it word-for-word.
3) What's an acquaintance doing telling you her fear of dying? From a knee surgery of all things. She's hardly having a triple heart bypass.

I dunno, just doesn't ring true to me somehow. No offense intended or anything though.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Haven't read the replies yet but there are some things about the original post.

1). You bought not one but six meals for a colleague whose first name you didn't even know? Isn't that a bit overkill?
2). Do you have a photographic memory?
3) What's an acquaintance doing telling you her fear of dying? From a knee surgery of all things. She's hardly having a triple heart bypass.

I dunno, just doesn't ring true to me somehow. No offense intended or anything though.

I had knee surgery and I was adraid of dying from the anesthesia.

 

[NiceCupOfTea]

Okay, well, I've read the replies. As usual I've come out looking like the bad guy, but I'm well used to that by now tbh.

 

[Progster]

Thanks for making that distinction... I think that's an important one, and I agree. Generally, I prefer factual reassurance to emotional support. It's dependent on the situation.

Anxiety needs a special mix of fact and emotion. Depression does better with a heavier dose of emotional support. It also depends on who it's coming from.

Yes, I agree, it does depend on the situation. In some circumstances, it's encouragement I need, rather than reassurance, for example, when I have doubts about my ability to do a job. But for a surgery, where there is possible danger involved, the factual reassurance the OP gave is the best kind.

 

[Ylva]

NT feelings are like Madeye Moody's suitcase, and there are code phrases unlocking them. There is a chapter on it in the field guide, describing how NTs control each other's feelings, and maybe their ability to make each other feel certain ways is what makes them feel connected. Like a meta-code phrase.

 

[Ste11aeres]

As usual I've come out looking like the bad guy, but I'm well used to that by now tbh.

Don't blow things out of proportion. Nobody (other than you) said you were "the bad guy".

 

[Ste11aeres]

On Tuesday, a colleague at my school began a short period of medical leave that will last through the rest of this week. She had an exploratory done on her knee to see if she would need surgery because her knee has been troubling her.

I took her some food on Monday ... meatloaf with brown gravy, mashed potatoes and grilled vegetables, shrimp pasta Alfredo, and Cordon Bleu with stuffed pasta.

Today my department chair came to see me after school. He told me that Sharon had called to say that she's doing great.

I gave him a blank look. "Who's Sharon?"

"Sharon! You know Sharon! She's the art teacher."

"Oh. Okay."

"You gave her 6 to-go boxes of food."

I nodded.

"She wanted me to tell you that she loved the meals."

I nodded.

"Didn't you get my message?"

"What message?"

"I called you ... last night."

"Oh ... my phone was turned off. It's almost always off."

"I left you voice mail."

"Right. I never check my voice mail because my phone is off."

"Ah-hah ... well ... did you know that Sharon was a little upset with you?"

"Upset?" I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you told me that she loved my meals."

"Yes, but when you delivered them, did you have a talk?"

I shrugged. "Maybe."

"What did she say?"

I thought about it. "She thanked me for the meals."

My department chair gave me an encouraging nod.

"She told me that I was a dear, sweet man."

He nodded again.

"And she told me that she was scared."

"And what did you do?"

"I asked her why she was scared and she told me that she was scared of going under the knife because she might die on the operating table."

"Uh-huh."

"I pointed out that this was a standard out patient treatment and that her fear was illogical because it was a routine procedure."

"But don't you think that she needed some reassurance?"

"For what?"

"Don't you think she wanted to hear you tell her that everything would be alright?"

I gave the department chair a blank look. "But I am not a medical professional. I could not guarantee that everything would be alright. Statistically speaking, everything SHOULD have been alright ... but how could I promise her an outcome that was beyond my ability to control?"

My colleague went on to explain that sometimes people need to be reassured.

I did not understand his point of view because to me this was patently illogical.

I do not understand why the art teacher ... I am given to understand that her name is Sharon ... required reassurance from me when I was not the one who would be performing this procedure. If she required reassurance, she should have talked to her doctor or perhaps her priest or pastor if she was truly concerned about dying.

I am not a medical professional. I am a chef instructor. I do not understand why the department chair thought that I might have been more supportive. I thought I was being supportive. I gave her 6 to-go boxes of ready to eat meals. I also offered to carry the meals to her vehicle.

I feel somewhat badly that the art teacher was upset but do not understand why she was seeking reassurance from me when I was clearly not a medical professional. I was also not her spiritual adviser (assuming she has any religious convictions) nor was I a licensed therapist.

Although I was reasonably sure that the procedure was safe since this was only an examination as opposed to an actual unicompartmental knee arthoroplasty which has a success rate of just over 90%, I observed that the statistical odds of anything bad happening were incredibly unlikely ... but insofar as I am not a doctor or an actuary, I could not guarantee that everything would be alright. I therefore suggested that she talk to her doctor about her concerns. I then wished her well and fled because I was uncertain as to whether or not she was about to cry. Since I do no enjoy close personal contact (especially with someone who is crying and getting me wet with tears), I also had no interest in hugging her.

You know, upon reflection, the department chair was being a bit of a jerk.

He knows that you gave her six boxes of food....and yet, what is he there to talk to you about? Does he tell you how nice it was of you to bring her that food? No. He's just there to tell you how he thinks you failed. (Just like my dad. He would always talk about the ways in which he thought I had failed, while ignoring any good things I had done).

Did anyone else even visit her? Maybe, maybe not. But I bet anything that those who didn't even visit her didn't receive any castigatory visits from the department chair.

 

[DC1346]

He knows that you gave her six boxes of food....and yet, what is he there to talk to you about? Does he tell you how nice it was of you to bring her that food? No. He's just there to tell you how he thinks you failed. (Just like my dad. He would always talk about the ways in which he thought I had failed, while ignoring any good things I had done).

Hmmmm ... actually you make a very good point.

To be fair to my department chair, I THINK he has decided for whatever reason, to "take me under his wing" and to be my NT "guide." I am wondering if his wife put him up to this. She used to work for our district as a special education teacher, so she probably knows (or think she knows) all about high performing autism and has (perhaps) suggested that her husband be my life coach or guide ... not that I ever requested one.

I have after all, been living on my own for ... my goodness ... it's been 33 years since I graduated with a bachelor's degree from Michigan ... and although I did not know until fairly recently that I had Asperger's, I apparently managed to develop the coping skills needed to get through most of this time.

I must admit that it hasn't helped that we haven't always seen eye to eye.

For example, my predecessor was supposed to have established a CTSO, a career trade student organization like SkillsUSA or FCCLA ... an extracurricular student run organization designed to organize students to participate in competitive Culinary Arts teams for the purpose of winning regional, state, national, and even national competitions along with scholarships.

Since I am starting up this group from scratch, I have no prior members and there is no history or tradition of a CTSO at this school. I also have no funds for transportation, food supplies, state membership dues etc.

The department chair recently offered to "sponsor me" so that I could enter a competitive teacher & student basketball team in a competition that's being sponsored by the student government. If I were to accept this offer, I would have to actually captain a team of culinary students.

I told Joseph, the department chair, that I didn't know anything about basketball and that I had no interest in sports.

"But this would be an opportunity for you to bond," he told me.

I raised an eyebrow. "Bond? With whom?"

"With your students."

I grumbled. "I don't need to bond with my students by playing basketball. I'm a chef instructor. I work in a kitchen, not a basketball court. Instead of leading them onto a basketball court, I led my 2nd period class in the production of 17 taco salad lunches for the faculty and staff. The teacher lunch sales generated $85 in gross profit and helped to largely offset the food costs for my level II students. We made our own chili. We made our salsa (see below left). We set up an assembly line production system to create 26 lunches (which included meals for each of my level II students) and the students learned how to use portion control tools to plate all of these meals."

"And that was good," said Joseph, "But don't you think it would be fun to do something different than to always be in the kitchen?"

I eyed the department chair. "You do realize that I'm autistic, don't you?"

He nodded.

"I have no interest in sports and I am not interested in bonding. I'm a chef instructor. I teach students how to cook, bake, and how to keep a clean kitchen. I teach them food safety and sanitation. I teach them portion control, menu design, and production costing. I lead a student kitchen crew in the production of meals to sell to faculty and staff to offset our food costs. I do not play basketball and I have no interest in sports. While I understand the concept of bonding, I am their chef instructor, not their friend. Although I would prefer to be on friendly terms with my students at the end of the day, I still have to run my kitchen and where I lead, my kitchen crew follows."

Joseph smiled and scratched his beard. "So is that a 'no' to my offer of sponsorship? I'll gladly pay the $8 entry fee."

I shook my head and walked away.

"Why don't you think about it?" called the department chair.

"I already have. The answer is NO!"

His laughter followed me down the hall. I do not understand why this amused him.

** sigh **

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I have never understood peoples apparent need for meaningless reassurance. What use will saying "Everything will be fine" or something along those lines make? It doesn't in any way change the chances of something going wrong, so how is it actually reassuring? I think giving your colleague food is already going above and beyond, no need to stick around and make uncomfortable conversation!

As for that basketball situation, it sounds like he was teasing you, in a friendly way. If he sees you as a friend he probably enjoys these interactions which display your different ways of thinking and finds your "eccentricities" amusing. Maybe? The conversation reminds me of Captain Kirk interacting with Commander Spock (Star Trek is an ex-special interest).

 

[DC1346]

As for that basketball situation, it sounds like he was teasing you, in a friendly way. If he sees you as a friend he probably enjoys these interactions which display your different ways of thinking and finds your "eccentricities" amusing. Maybe? The conversation reminds me of Captain Kirk interacting with Commander Spock (Star Trek is an ex-special interest).

Yes ... he seems to do this a lot. I do not understand this need for amusement. It does not seem like a cost effective use of time.

 

[Ste11aeres]

To be fair to my department chair, I THINK he has decided for whatever reason, to "take me under his wing" and to be my NT "guide." I am wondering if his wife put him up to this. She used to work for our district as a special education teacher, so she probably knows (or think she knows) all about high performing autism and has (perhaps) suggested that her husband be my life coach or guide ... not that I ever requested one.

Based on my experience with people, that possibility would explain his actions very well.

The department chair recently offered to "sponsor me" so that I could enter a competitive teacher & student basketball team in a competition that's being sponsored by the student government. If I were to accept this offer, I would have to actually captain a team of culinary students.

I told Joseph, the department chair, that I didn't know anything about basketball and that I had no interest in sports.

"But this would be an opportunity for you to bond," he told me.

I raised an eyebrow. "Bond? With whom?"

"With your students."

I grumbled. "I don't need to bond with my students by playing basketball. I'm a chef instructor. I work in a kitchen, not a basketball court. Instead of leading them onto a basketball court, I led my 2nd period class in the production of 17 taco salad lunches for the faculty and staff. The teacher lunch sales generated $85 in gross profit and helped to largely offset the food costs for my level II students. We made our own chili. We made our salsa (see below left). We set up an assembly line production system to create 26 lunches (which included meals for each of my level II students) and the students learned how to use portion control tools to plate all of these meals."

View attachment 21175
"And that was good," said Joseph, "But don't you think it would be fun to do something different than to always be in the kitchen?"

I eyed the department chair. "You do realize that I'm autistic, don't you?"

He nodded.

"I have no interest in sports and I am not interested in bonding. I'm a chef instructor. I teach students how to cook, bake, and how to keep a clean kitchen. I teach them food safety and sanitation. I teach them portion control, menu design, and production costing. I lead a student kitchen crew in the production of meals to sell to faculty and staff to offset our food costs. I do not play basketball and I have no interest in sports. While I understand the concept of bonding, I am their chef instructor, not their friend. Although I would prefer to be on friendly terms with my students at the end of the day, I still have to run my kitchen and where I lead, my kitchen crew follows."

Joseph smiled and scratched his beard. "So is that a 'no' to my offer of sponsorship? I'll gladly pay the $8 entry fee."

I shook my head and walked away.

"Why don't you think about it?" called the department chair.

"I already have. The answer is NO!"

His laughter followed me down the hall. I do not understand why this amused him.

** sigh **

Very few of the adults I've known have been interested in bonding or forming friendships with highschoolers. The few whom I did know who were interested in that, were eventually accused of pedophilia. (Nobody ever came forward claiming to be a victim of theirs, the rumor of such things was propagated by an adult who never claimed to have himself been a victim of this. So in the absence of actual persons claiming to have been victims, I'm inclined to doubt those accusations). Anyway, all the stuff within the parentheses is a digression. My point is just that it's normal for adults-including high school teachers- to not be interested in bonding with highschoolers outside of actual class time.

 

[Nacho]

As a kind of offtopic, I also want to remark one fact that you mentioned that has also happened to me, when you don't answer to a message because you didn't receive it or for any other reason, people keep insisting on the topic, explaining that they tried contacting you in various ways, somewhat looking for an apology of some sort...
I get confused by this a lot when it happens to me, and I don't know if I should apologize; I feel like not returning a message isn't a crime, but first world problems... You never know

What do you think about this?

 

[DC1346]

DC1346 are you sure the Art Teacher really was upset with you? I mean, she didn't say to you that she was upset with you. She did say something nice to you. Perhaps the department chair was being a little over controlling, and presenting a version of things which was colored inaccurately by his own view

This is a possibility. I did not after all speak with the art teacher, so her recounted words are hearsay which may or may not be accurate.

 

[Cuppa' Tea]

Your comments and statistics would have comforted me too. Give me rationality and logic any day. Sometimes with NT's I've noticed is that you need to be less blunt with the facts and a little more gentle with their feelings. They tend to be a little more general with things. Like "everything's gonna be alright" would have been more of a comfort to her, as someone else here said.

Granted I'm terrified of surgery myself, so I would have seeked comforting, and exactly what you said would be what I needed to hear.

But you did nothing wrong. In fact, you went above and beyond any colleague in making those meals for her.

 

[Jambo_nick]

From the sound of this I don't think it was the procedure itself worrying her but the fact she's going under anaesthetic. Lack of control and you have to put your trust in someone else. even stating to her that it is a routine procedure and she need not worry would do. Also, NTs like Aspies can get anxious and scared about the unknown. You also hear about medical horrors in the news etc so it's understandable people can fear trivial things.

 

[AsheSkyler]

You also hear about medical horrors in the news etc so it's understandable people can fear trivial things.

If you hear about it just on the news, you're very fortunate. I've lost at least three relatives to negligent doctors and heard a few tales from people I know about how their relatives met an early end. And not just from the usual risk of being knocked out.

 

[DC1346]

The art teacher returns to work tomorrow. I'm a little worried. I don't want her to hug me and I really don't want to hear any details about her medical procedure.

It is enough for me to know that she is well and has been cleared to return to work.

I really don't want to know more than that.

(Sigh)

 

[DogwoodTree]

Thanks for this thread. It's been helpful for me to understand better the differences between me and NTs. It's always annoyed me when they offer useless reassurances, and sometimes it even offended me. (Why would you say that if you really have no idea how this will turn out?) I felt like it was a type of put-down (as if, saying I'm not strong enough to handle actual data) or minimization (as if, my actual feelings about this don't matter...that I should only feel what makes them feel better from their encouragement to me).

Now I see that NTs actually like getting this kind of encouragement (feelings-based) and aren't looking for the same thing I am. I want data, something useful, not a pat on the head. I suspect there are some NTs who also prefer more objective encouragement (consider all the lists of "what not to say to a grieving person" or whatever). But apparently, it's not part of the usual NT script.

This is something to think about. What would I actually want to hear in these situations? How much of that would be beneficial to most NTs, even though it's not the kind of thing they typically offer?

I hope things went well for you today with your co-worker back at work.

 

[Cuppa' Tea]

The art teacher returns to work tomorrow. I'm a little worried. I don't want her to hug me and I really don't want to hear any details about her medical procedure.

It is enough for me to know that she is well and has been cleared to return to work.

I really don't want to know more than that.

(Sigh)

How did it go?