I Don't Get it (NT Need for Emotional Reassurance)

[DC1346]

On Tuesday, a colleague at my school began a short period of medical leave that will last through the rest of this week. She had an exploratory done on her knee to see if she would need surgery because her knee has been troubling her.

I took her some food on Monday ... meatloaf with brown gravy, mashed potatoes and grilled vegetables, shrimp pasta Alfredo, and Cordon Bleu with stuffed pasta.

Today my department chair came to see me after school. He told me that Sharon had called to say that she's doing great.

I gave him a blank look. "Who's Sharon?"

"Sharon! You know Sharon! She's the art teacher."

"Oh. Okay."

"You gave her 6 to-go boxes of food."

I nodded.

"She wanted me to tell you that she loved the meals."

I nodded.

"Didn't you get my message?"

"What message?"

"I called you ... last night."

"Oh ... my phone was turned off. It's almost always off."

"I left you voice mail."

"Right. I never check my voice mail because my phone is off."

"Ah-hah ... well ... did you know that Sharon was a little upset with you?"

"Upset?" I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you told me that she loved my meals."

"Yes, but when you delivered them, did you have a talk?"

I shrugged. "Maybe."

"What did she say?"

I thought about it. "She thanked me for the meals."

My department chair gave me an encouraging nod.

"She told me that I was a dear, sweet man."

He nodded again.

"And she told me that she was scared."

"And what did you do?"

"I asked her why she was scared and she told me that she was scared of going under the knife because she might die on the operating table."

"Uh-huh."

"I pointed out that this was a standard out patient treatment and that her fear was illogical because it was a routine procedure."

"But don't you think that she needed some reassurance?"

"For what?"

"Don't you think she wanted to hear you tell her that everything would be alright?"

I gave the department chair a blank look. "But I am not a medical professional. I could not guarantee that everything would be alright. Statistically speaking, everything SHOULD have been alright ... but how could I promise her an outcome that was beyond my ability to control?"

My colleague went on to explain that sometimes people need to be reassured.

I did not understand his point of view because to me this was patently illogical.

I do not understand why the art teacher ... I am given to understand that her name is Sharon ... required reassurance from me when I was not the one who would be performing this procedure. If she required reassurance, she should have talked to her doctor or perhaps her priest or pastor if she was truly concerned about dying.

I am not a medical professional. I am a chef instructor. I do not understand why the department chair thought that I might have been more supportive. I thought I was being supportive. I gave her 6 to-go boxes of ready to eat meals. I also offered to carry the meals to her vehicle.

I feel somewhat badly that the art teacher was upset but do not understand why she was seeking reassurance from me when I was clearly not a medical professional. I was also not her spiritual adviser (assuming she has any religious convictions) nor was I a licensed therapist.

Although I was reasonably sure that the procedure was safe since this was only an examination as opposed to an actual unicompartmental knee arthoroplasty which has a success rate of just over 90%, I observed that the statistical odds of anything bad happening were incredibly unlikely ... but insofar as I am not a doctor or an actuary, I could not guarantee that everything would be alright. I therefore suggested that she talk to her doctor about her concerns. I then wished her well and fled because I was uncertain as to whether or not she was about to cry. Since I do no enjoy close personal contact (especially with someone who is crying and getting me wet with tears), I also had no interest in hugging her.

 

[On the Inside]

An intriguing tale, but I can't offer much help. While I understand the need for reassurance on an intellectual level, and can offer up flat at best or slightly irritated reassurance at worst, emotionally, I don't get it. 90% success rate, routine procedure, highly trained professional, etc... That should be enough, and quite informative I would add. It certainly would be for me, though I'm not as averse to hugs, so that might be welcomed depending on the hugger.

I'm used to plowing ahead with limited information and no reassurance on much of what I do that when someone does offer reassurance, I usually don't really acknowledge it, unless it gives me some information I did not previously have.

 

[malortie]

DC1346
On the Inside

I see both of your points and these kind of situations happened with me quite often. Depending on the context, I would be, or not, able to tell whether or not something would happen, and I tend to be extremely cautious about saying things that are beyond my control.

I often say that predicting the future is a bad practice since it is easy to make promises that you end up breaking. Since I do not want to affirm something to be unforeseen, I reply with logical responses, heavily relying on facts, than emotional speculations. Because of this, I have been often seen as a cold/rude person, not physically but as I seem to lack of empathy.

I never tried to offend others with these kind of responses, the point is to make sure that what you say is structured and rational, since it is the only way not to contradict self.

This, of course is nothing more than an opinion of mine.

 

[Mia]

What I would like to know from all of this is where your department chair has any right to tell you how to act or behave. Behavioral instruction is way beyond the bailiwick of his job. Would find that offensive, and it is out of bounds.

How you interact with people is your affair, and should not be judged by anyone else but yourself. Did your department chair do anything other than relay a phone-call? Thought not. Whereas you made the woman meals. Which was much more than kind and helpful.

Perhaps its time that you put in a few boundaries, your behavior was polite, helpful and kind. Not the same thing I can say for your department head. When people begin saying that you should act a certain way, thank them for their opinion and wait for them to speak, don't say anything more. Then if there is no response, walk away or change the subject. I do not envy the kinds of interactions that you have to have on a daily basis with your job, nor the politics of such things. It has to be rather difficult navigating that world.

As I lived as an NT for most of my life, the need for reassurance is a common one. It's more of a formality than anything else, and not one everyone practices. Suspect that because you showed some compassion with the meals you made, the person was led to believe that you cared about them, and wanted more than you were willing to offer. Seems to me that you did more than enough. More was not required.

 

[DC1346]

What I would like to know from all of this is where your department chair has any right to tell you how to act or behave. Behavioral instruction is way beyond the bailiwick of his job. Would find that offensive, and it is out of bounds.

My colleague regards himself as a friend. I am not sure why. It has been my experience that people who are friends seem to think that they have special privileges regarding the highly personal comments that they might make about your life.

 

[Myway]

For some reason, reassurance is something that NTs need a lot of. Personally, I only need reassurance when I am about to do something that exceeds my abilities. That is extremely rare. For the most part, I tend to avoid reassurance. Your story was intriguing and I enjoyed reading it. I don't think you did anything wrong, but maybe just listen to advice given and then choose what you want to do with it. Believe it or not. That is your decision to make.

 

[Mia]

I think you have to train people to a certain extent with regard to respect. Defining what is acceptable and what is not something you are willing to tolerate. Many of the occurrences that you've puzzled about are instances where you needed to draw some boundaries, and not allow people to step beyond them. Your integrity is what matters, your self-respect needs to be considered and recognized. What you permit or don't permit is a boundary.

 

[DC1346]

Thank you for your comments. I will have to think about boundaries ... what my limits are and how to establish them without hurting feelings or causing offense. And yes, NTs seem to need a lot of reassurance. I don't understand why. After all, they're the ones who are neurotypical ... unless someone has made a horrible mistake and we're actually the neurotypicals while the former neurotypicals are really all emotionally needy. Wouldn't THAT be a hoot. (GRIN)

 

[Myway]

Yes that would be funny. I am pretty sure that that is not the case though.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Take it from an artist: we can be ridiculously emotional. I have seen other artists come completely unglued (pun intended) over the silliest of things. You pretty much DID tell her she had very little if anything to worry about. Although some artists you just gotta lie or be forceful a little bit to keep them calm. "You will live. Get a hold of yourself." Kind of psyche them into taking care of themselves and remaining positive. Very high maintenance emotionally. A lot of them seem to suffer from great anxiety, doubt, and a slew of negative emotions that just make them spiral down very quickly and it's a real pain in the butt to keep their spirits up. One reason why you find me chatting here with Aspies rather than hanging out on a dedicated art forum. Artists are exhausting!

 

[Wireless]

I hope you don't mind a NT replying.
We need reassurance when we lack confidence in ourselves or are afraid of something. Perhaps its because we're more group minded.
Speaking for myself I would have found your comment about her fear being illogical reassuring. I wouldn't have needed statistics, just a reminder that my anxiety was out of proportion to the situation and that I would get through it just fine.
The fact that you made meals for her would have been very comforting to her.

So, you guys never need comforting from others?

 

[Myway]

I need very minimal comforting. I don't like a lot of reassuring. I try to be self sufficient. There are times when people reassure me without asking me if I need it and I find it to be annoying. My mom says that I am little crazy to not like reassurance, but then my mom is a NT and doesn't understand everything, so I try not to hold it against her too much.

 

[Wireless]

I think it's a good thing to be self-sufficient.
It just never occurs to us NTs that people wouldn't want reassurance.

 

[Myway]

A good thing to do is ask the Aspie if they like reassurance or not. I had an Aspie friend who only wanted during certain times, like me. NTs sometimes don't understand that. It is better to ask, than to be sorry.

 

[Wireless]

Thanks, I'll remember that.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I hope you don't mind a NT replying.
We need reassurance when we lack confidence in ourselves or are afraid of something. Perhaps its because we're more group minded.
Speaking for myself I would have found your comment about her fear being illogical reassuring. I wouldn't have needed statistics, just a reminder that my anxiety was out of proportion to the situation and that I would get through it just fine.
The fact that you made meals for her would have been very comforting to her.

So, you guys never need comforting from others?

Nobody ever offers me comfort, so I don;t know if I would need it because I don't expect it. Maybe it would be nice, actually, from the right person. But it has to be the right kind of comfort. I wouldn't want someone who wasn't a Medical Professional telling me "it will be all right" because I would know that they don't know whether it will be all right. It would sound like a fiction that they were inventing about something they weren't an expert in, a fiction invented only in order to make me feel better.

But as you said:

Speaking for myself I would have found your comment about her fear being illogical reassuring. I wouldn't have needed statistics, just a reminder that my anxiety was out of proportion to the situation and that I would get through it just fine.
The fact that you made meals for her would have been very comforting to her.

Yes. This is how I would have felt.

DC1346 are you sure the Art Teacher really was upset with you? I mean, she didn't say to you that she was upset with you. She did say something nice to you. Perhaps the department chair was being a little over controlling, and presenting a version of things which was colored inaccurately by his own view of how things should have been.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="DC1346, "You gave her 6 to-go boxes of food."[/QUOTE]

And it sounded like very nice food, and you are a very nice person in my book for doing that for her while she was in the hospital...that is all I think is worth saying on this. Mael

 

[Cosmophylla]

Wireless, I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression, and I like - even seek - reassurance even when my logical side tells me I'm being irrational.

I don't always need it, and I don't always seek it.

 

[DC1346]

So, you guys never need comforting from others?

Some do but others don't. There really isn't a one size fits all description of anyone with Asperger's.

I am a reclusive introvert. I don a persona to act out the role of a chef instructor ... never mind the fact that I actually have the training, education, and work experience to be a chef instructor ... the real me cringes at the thought of being out and about in the world ... so I role play as a coping mechanism and then come home and collapse with relief to have survived yet another day at work.

I do not require reassurance but I have an aspie colleague who does.

 

[Progster]

I hope you don't mind a NT replying.
We need reassurance when we lack confidence in ourselves or are afraid of something. Perhaps its because we're more group minded.
Speaking for myself I would have found your comment about her fear being illogical reassuring. I wouldn't have needed statistics, just a reminder that my anxiety was out of proportion to the situation and that I would get through it just fine.
The fact that you made meals for her would have been very comforting to her.

So, you guys never need comforting from others?

I agree with this. I would have found your remark very reassuring, because it is based on fact. I would have considered you a very kind, thoughtful person because you brought the meals. Someone trying to comfort me and telling me that things are going to be ok when they haven't a clue about medical procedures is not very comforting and doesn't help me much.

Yes, I do sometimes need reassurance, but concrete, practical reassurance based on fact, not on emotion.