I Don't Get it (NT Need for Emotional Reassurance)

[On the Inside]

Thanks for this thread. It's been helpful for me to understand better the differences between me and NTs. It's always annoyed me when they offer useless reassurances, and sometimes it even offended me. (Why would you say that if you really have no idea how this will turn out?)

My SO is always on my case about offering up reassurance and objective fact based encouragement. All I can muster is two or more possible outcomes (I'm very good at coming up with possibilities, but unless it is something with which I have a good deal of experience with, I will not wade too far into probabilities). She always gets peeved and says "what do you think will happen?".

I wonder if this comes about because success in life usually requires hard work, discipline, knowledge, perseverance, but if you are willing to take risks, gamble a bit, work off of your predictive instincts, you could strike it rich. I'm not very comfortable with risk, I don't take many chances, unless they are calculated. Apparently this is an Aspie trait, and NT's are supposed to be more comfortable with risk, taking chances, and thus might need reassurance. Of course this isn't the case with someone about to have surgery, but the two times I've had surgery, I wasn't worried in the least. I trusted the professionals who were caring for me.

 

[Agemaki]

I don't think it is easy to reduce personality traits to autistic (or not autistic). Perhaps there is quantifiable difference between people who are on the spectrum and people who are not? I do not know. Personally I do not see logic and emotion as mutually exclusive. Despite being autistic I do appreciate it when people share genuine concern for me. I have a lot of anxiety and feeling emotionally supported by other people is important. I often find that others are not aware of my need for emotional support and this contributes to my reservation in social contexts. I suppose it must be difficult to know how best to offer support but I think that most people will appreciate the simple gesture of telling them that you care and that they can look to you for support when they need it. Also, communicate that you care how they feel but that you might not know how best to comfort them. Most people, I think, will appreciate the sincerity.

 

[SingaSong]

This is an interesting thread for me. I am self diagnosed (on a long waiting list for assessment) and so not absolutely sure if I'm aspie.

I notice that I seek reassurance mainly about whether I'm doing OK in social situations rather than medical or other contexts.

Just looking at this thread I might be NT because I get comfort as regards medical treatment when someone says everything will be OK even when they aren't qualified or just can't know whether that is true. My parents are both doctors so their reassurance is based on knowledge even if they can't foresee the future.

I have also had very serious surgery. There were risks of either having the surgery or not and those risks were balanced so it was a hard choice. After I decided to have it and particularly the weeks before and the day of each operation I wanted to be reassured I had made the right choice and I asked for reassurance that it was the right thing to do, even though no one could know for sure and some of the people I asked had no medical knowledge at all. I didn't want fact based reassurance because I'd thought carefully before I made the decision. I wanted comfort and reassurance everything would (not probably would) be fine, even though the statistics were more evenly balanced

 

[Ylva]

Just looking at this thread I might be NT because I get comfort as regards medical treatment when someone says everything will be OK even when they aren't qualified or just can't know whether that is true.

I don't know you arguments/reasons for thinking you are aspie, but I would say that this does not automatically mean you're not. We have coded padlocks on our feelings too, in some sense, I don't think it's super-exclusive, but we don't always have the same ones. As it stands, mine are unlocked by facts, but if your early experiences with the phrase "it's gonna be okay" were good, chances are it became one of your code phrases. Besides, if your parents are experts, their say-so is probably as good as fact anyway.

 

[Larisa]

I feel somewhat badly that the art teacher was upset but do not understand why she was seeking reassurance from me when I was clearly not a medical professional. I was also not her spiritual adviser (assuming she has any religious convictions) nor was I a licensed therapist.

Although I was reasonably sure that the procedure was safe since this was only an examination as opposed to an actual unicompartmental knee arthoroplasty which has a success rate of just over 90%, I observed that the statistical odds of anything bad happening were incredibly unlikely ... but insofar as I am not a doctor or an actuary, I could not guarantee that everything would be alright. I therefore suggested that she talk to her doctor about her concerns. I then wished her well and fled because I was uncertain as to whether or not she was about to cry. Since I do no enjoy close personal contact (especially with someone who is crying and getting me wet with tears), I also had no interest in hugging her.

I feel for you and your collegue because I experienced once my fear was met distantly and coldly (in my opinion then, now I think the person was really stunned by my reaction to the movie we watched together) and I experienced the 'normal' attempts to 'comfort' me when I had a trauma (that 'reassurance' drove me to meltdown).

After my work with my psychologist I found my way to react to these situations: if someone is in fear or distress - I admit them being in fear and distress and their right to feel so.
I can't forecast the result of dangerous situation - so I don't even try to.
I admit that a surgery is scary (I hate any invasive medical means: knives, needles, syringes and so on - so I can relate this feeling of another human - to my own feeling).
If I feel myself balanced I can give real support: remind the reason why the person has to go through surgery - and admit their pain, fear and their hopes - actually I admit them doing everything possible (if they really did from my point of view) and their feelings in present.
And that is exactly the best support that I can accept if I am in difficult situation.
But that sort of support is so hard to meet from anyone: even people I supported in their hard times - can't answer me with the same. Only my psychologist can fulfill my need of support - and even for her it's stressful: to listen and admit what I have on my mind to say aloud. Not to argue, not to reason me, not to 'reassure' me - just to admit what and how I feel about the situation.
I'm a very difficult patient: I have to know the real risk to get clear picture. All the doctors who treated me become annoyed with my questions about procedures like I questioned their qualification - but I didn't, not really. I question if the barbarian cutting of a living human being is really still necessary to do and the best 'cure' they can supply.
Honestly! Why do they call cutting and removing the parts of human body - 'curing'? If they could treat illness to restore the organizm fully - I agree: that would be 'curing'.
But as it happens now - it's the medical practice of inflicting of 'lesser evil' (removing of damaged tissues comparing with leaving the illness to develop further).
And I has to prepare myself very hard to go through this medical torture - because there is no more humanly alternative in these 'modern' times.
Really: why medics around the world are so busy with gene engineering when they can't really cure the most frequent illnesses and understand how do they occur and the way to revert the pathology?

 

[Maelstrom]

I agree with Larisa ,explaining everything carefully is the best policy. It doesn't always get the desired result, but in the end your hands are clean, the other person knows exactly where you are coming from, and what you feel. If they choose to ignore or abuse that information, then you can know their true nature and take steps to limit any damage they cause in your life.

Being kind is looking out for the welfare and happiness of others around you, but one doesn't have to make it easy for others to use and abuse you either. Some people have to be kept at arms length just to stay safe.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Weird you would get bitched at for this??? I think that's inappropriate! Really your personal conversation is no one else's business. I would feel super uncomfortable. Also seems a little patronizing. The gesture of the food is your way of telling the person you're thinking of them, and unless you're closer than work colleagues it's weird to expect an emotional bond. Not getting it at all.

 

[Shawn D]

I need reassurance about things all the time, due mostly to my general anxiety. Unlike NTs, I don't need reassurance in the form of some shallow, Hallmark-card-worthy drivel. Instead, I obsessively research, seeking information and statistics to put my mind at ease. The most reassuring thing someone could say to me when I'm anxious about a particular situation is to bring up a research study or percentage relevant to the concern.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

I need reassurance about things all the time, due mostly to my general anxiety. Unlike NTs, I don't need reassurance in the form of some shallow, Hallmark-card-worthy drivel. Instead, I obsessively research, seeking information and statistics to put my mind at ease. The most reassuring thing someone could say to me when I'm anxious about a particular situation is to bring up a research study or percentage relevant to the concern.

This would be the most logical