Terrible Secret?

[JamesBon92007]

I now have reached a point where I like the real me and don't try too hard to hide it anymore.

Very good point! I began liking myself a lot more after I got divorced about seven years ago. I almost immediately took myself to Hawai'i, Mexico, and bought myself a new car. Since then I have done lots of nice, thoughtful things for myself.

I think my ex was dragging me down....

 

[Bro'Freak]

The mask is not me. I am a friend & will not let this go wrong. That is all we can do. That is my view
& I will not hide behind being aspegic

 

[Ambi]

I couldn't find this particular expression while searching so I hope it has already been discussed to death, but I very recently began reading more about Asperger's and found this website only a couple of days ago. I have learned a lot and have a lot to learn and I am amazed, but I guess not too surprised, at how much I relate to most of the people here. I actually feel like I fit in which doesn't happen to me very often.

I have always felt like I had some terrible secret inside of me that I couldn't let anyone know about. At one point, after discussing a few things with a doctor, I was prescribed some medication. I looked it up and it was an anti-psychotic drug. Could I be psychotic? Somehow I could not relate very well to Norman Bates from Hitchcock's famous movie and he was about the only psychotic person I was familiar with. After reading many posts here about people wearing "masks" in public I think it is beginning to fit together. Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

Yikes - your doc prescribed an anti-psychotic without discussing the diagnosis or medicine with you? That's scary in itself! If you do perhaps have Aspergers Syndrome, I have indeed read that people can be misdiagnosed as having something else, and one of those things is schizophrenia, or other mental disorders that might result in psychosis. I suggest you look into whether you really need to be on those meds - if so, stay on, if it's iffy, then look into whether it's actually a different diagnosis (like Aspergers). Btw, welcome!

 

[Jet Weiss]

I don't tell people I have Asperger's anymore as when I did disclose that information it always resulted in me being bullied or ostracised.

Antipsychotics are sometimes prescribed off-label for conditions such as PTSD and OCD. Being prescribed an antipsychotic medication does not necessarily mean that you are psychotic. However it would be good to follow up with your doctor and ask questions about why it is the case that you were prescribed that med.

 

[JamesBon92007]

I don't tell people I have Asperger's anymore as when I did disclose that information it always resulted in me being bullied or ostracised.

Antipsychotics are sometimes prescribed off-label for conditions such as PTSD and OCD. Being prescribed an antipsychotic medication does not necessarily mean that you are psychotic. However it would be good to follow up with your doctor and ask questions about why it is the case that you were prescribed that med.

It was a few years ago and I'm now thinking it might have been a response to telling the doctor I couldn't tolerate certain noises.

OCD? Me?

 

[Adora]

I don't think as it as a dirty secret but I do prefer that not many people know unless it's necessary,I just don't want to have to explain myself to others because I know a lot of people will not get it and think I'm just shy but my aunt who does know told my grandfather's wife that I had it and she said that I'm making excuses which is worse since her and my grandfather haven't seen me in years and wouldn't know me if I walked down the street next to them.

 

[Streetwise]

sounds like autism could be PTSD but not sure

It was a few years ago and I'm now thinking it might have been a response to telling the doctor I couldn't tolerate certain noises.

OCD? Me?

 

[Bella Pines]

Now I'm in a relationship with a NT woman and she seems to be suffering from having to deal with me being myself so it suddenly has become important to learn all I can

That sounds aspie in itself, I tackle stuff by reading and studying.

I've been married to an emotional and dramatic NT for a long time and it used to be hard work, but actually nowadays, I'm completely myself at home. Sometimes he spots my meltdowns coming before I do and suggests (carefully!) that I disappear off somewhere for a quiet coffee.

But it was a long road, most if which was travelled before I knew I had aspergers.

A lot of what we went through has been discussed here. There are many posts from people with NT partners and even more amazing, there are posts from NTs trying to work out what is happening with their aspie partners! How lovely that they try to understand!

So I see aspergers as a personality trait really and I don't much like labels, but, having some category or phrase to Google is really useful to answer questions. Also whatever labels you settle on, aspie, autistic, hfa, ocd, adhd, intj or just generally grumpy, there will be someone here who is the same and understands and maybe has some interesting insights.

And lucky for her that you are not the shower stabbing type, what a great start

 

[Momo]

The maintenance of the "mask" can be really exhausting too, though I have learned not to tell people I'm an aspie, even though I'm fairly certain they know something is off anyway. I wouldn't even bring up Aspergers with my parents to talk to them about it, though, I don't really trust my parents anymore. I may tell someone if they were very close, if my trust issues let me...

 

[WereBear]

Had I known earlier, I could have become quite the actress, because it turns out that acting in public is what I've been doing all this time. It took skirting a nervous breakdown and being tested for all kinds of physical symptoms, for years, before I, and I alone, figured it out.

I was literally burning out my brain from overuse. And as I have discovered, if your brain ain't working, ain't nothing working. I had giant hormone issues during menopause, severe problems with eating and body regulation, and it would have been really easy to get a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, eating disorder, and paranoia. I could have been stuffed with psychiatric drugs like a holiday turkey and it would have only made me worse.

I was prescribed a drug that kinda worked... for two weeks. My diagnostician was very helpful when she explained that I must be one of those for whom psychiatric drugs do not work; it is pretty common on the Autism Spectrum, she said. That alone was worth the trip; I am off that hook forever

Armed with this new knowledge, my self-care regimens work better than ever now that I can choose them with some scientific guidance. My 16 year marriage to an NT has had a lot of its stresses removed, because he thinks I make no sense sometimes, and I think he makes no sense sometimes, and we are both right.

The best part was realizing there is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I have been and continue to be flippin' awesome. This discovery has helped me dodge things that were never going to work, and concentrate on our little business which will (eventually) let me work at home. That's best for me and best for my future customers, too.

I revel in my Aspieness now. I hope it works the same way for you, should this turn out to be your path.

 

[JamesBon92007]

A lot of what we went through has been discussed here. There are many posts from people with NT partners and even more amazing, there are posts from NTs trying to work out what is happening with their aspie partners! How lovely that they try to understand!

Also whatever labels you settle on, aspie, autistic, hfa, ocd, adhd, intj or just generally grumpy, there will be someone here who is the same and understands and maybe has some interesting insights.

And lucky for her that you are not the shower stabbing type, what a great start

And she really appreciates that I don't stab her in the shower!

I belong to a scuba diving forum called Grumpy Old Divers (hey, I'm a GOD!). She wholeheartedly agrees that I belong there.

She asked if any NTs come to this web site and I didn't know the answer. I'll point her in this direction and see if there are any NT-specific forums.

Edit: The following morning...

I did not find any NT-specific forums here. Are there any? Any suggestions which ones might be better than others (if no NT forums exist)?

 

[GoldenWanderer]

I have experienced similar things. My whole life I felt and knew I was different but couldn't figure it out. I didn't fit in. I could blend for a while but it frustrated me. People and their tendencies frustrated me. Relationships were difficult and close to non existant. Around the age of 19, I slowly starting retracting myself from friend groups, or leaving those that didn't serve me. At 20, I began to piece together my anxiety, ADHD, depression, social, communication, and other issues together. As I was first discovering this, I noticed shared traits between me and a serial killer. This scared me, I dove into an even deeper depression and almost took my life many times. Eventually I had an insight regarding mental disorders and I began to research. I came across dozens of diagnoses but none fit the bill until I found high functioning autism. it seemed to be he answer to every struggle I'd ever experienced growing up and to this day. When I found this forum, I couldn't believe it. I'd been told I'm Several different things but didn't relate to the words being spoken to me until I found this site.
My advice is if you are at peace with your life as is, keep living it. If you're unsettled like I was/am, Go after a diagnosis and seek a therapist experienced with the autism spectrum. Talking to someone uninvolved in my life has done world for me, even if I'm just talking in loop for an hour. It feels good to be able to say something without the worry of social repercussion like I experience with friends and family.

That being said, welcome, and I hope this forum aids you as it has I.

 

[JamesBon92007]

Several different things but didn't relate to the words being spoken to me until I found this site.
My advice is if you are at peace with your life as is, keep living it. If you're unsettled like I was/am, Go after a diagnosis and seek a therapist experienced with the autism spectrum. Talking to someone uninvolved in my life has done world for me, even if I'm just talking in loop for an hour. It feels good to be able to say something without the worry of social repercussion like I experience with friends and family.

That being said, welcome, and I hope this forum aids you as it has I.

Thank you!

My life is pretty great right now but I went though many of the same struggles as you (and probably nearly everyone else here). I am just beginning to learn what Asperger's is in more detail. I have been trying to tell my NT girlfriend all along that we are different, that we think differently, and solve problems differently etc. Today she took the Aspie Quiz (I took it yesterday) so now we can look at the graph and see the differences. And indeed they are very different. My score is 145/200 for neurodiverse and hers is 60. My score is 68/200 for neurotypical and hers is 179. I think she gets it now.

As I am becoming more aware of what I have I am feeling less inclined to mask it and try to fit in, but at the same time I hope I can use this information to help maintain and improve my relationship.

 

[Katleya]

A few years ago, I had some kind of breakdown and was placed on some kind of antidepressants (yet I was not depressed). The reasoning at the hospital was that I had tried to kill myself, and I kept on explaining that no, I did take an entire bottle of anxiolytics, but that was to quell anxiety, not kill myself, because there's no way a pharmacy would put a number of pills that could be lethal in that bottle. Needless to say, my argument was not heard (I stick to my guns even to this day, though).
A couple of weeks later, on that new medication, I didn't feel any better, but I started hearing music, like, all the time. Clearly, I was hallucinating --from the meds. So I mentioned it to the doctor, and guess what? I was put on antipsychotic medication, without much explaining at first. It took a few more weeks of relentless questioning for them to explain that I was displaying the early signs of schizophrenia. I can't remember anymore if they called it a schizoid personality or another thing, either one of them being kind of a "lighter" form of schizophrenia.
I took that crap for 6 months or so, until all the adverse effects got so bad I decided to quit.

Fast forward to a few years later: I did get my official Aspie diagnosis. Out of curiosity, I went to check in the DSM the signs for what the other doctors thought I had, and while I understand that someone could get them both confused, that is, if they don't have an actual medical background, I can't begin to tell you how sad I felt that I was mislabelled and put on medication that did more harm than good, especially since I tried to explain, even back then, that Asperger's was a differential diagnosis they should consider.

So I'm not surprised that you were prescribed the same type of things. I don't go around killing people in the shower either. What is true, however, is that I, like some psychotic or schizophrenic patients, do have trouble making and keeping friends. I am socially isolated, sure. And yes, I do have major trust issues, but when you've encountered the level of abuse I have encountered, it's actually more of a... response to a trauma, I guess? Lack of emotions or inappropriateness? Again, yeah, guilty as charged, if you screen me through a NT way of showing emotions. And the final common trait was a repetitive tendency to talk about the same subjects over and over again. Any of that sound familiar? But I was never asked to explain why I didn't trust other people. Or why the social isolation. Etc.

I find it very sad that, just because we don't conform to an arbitrary norm of how human beings are supposed to behave in society, anything that strays for "the norm" is heavily medicated in the hopes that people start to fit in.
It also makes me angry, even to this day, that those who are supposed to be in the know and who have a certain power over you through prescriptions have so little knowledge of other disorders that would be much less of a stigma, and a much better way to explain someone's variation from a norm.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I couldn't find this particular expression while searching so I hope it has already been discussed to death, but I very recently began reading more about Asperger's and found this website only a couple of days ago. I have learned a lot and have a lot to learn and I am amazed, but I guess not too surprised, at how much I relate to most of the people here. I actually feel like I fit in which doesn't happen to me very often.

I have always felt like I had some terrible secret inside of me that I couldn't let anyone know about. At one point, after discussing a few things with a doctor, I was prescribed some medication. I looked it up and it was an anti-psychotic drug. Could I be psychotic? Somehow I could not relate very well to Norman Bates from Hitchcock's famous movie and he was about the only psychotic person I was familiar with. After reading many posts here about people wearing "masks" in public I think it is beginning to fit together. Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

I am so amazed as to just how much I can relate to so many people on here. I used to pretty much never fit in anywhere, and it made me feel so alone and lost. I used to not know what was wrong with me or why I struggled. I joined this community after finally going to a therapist to figure out why I am the way I am, and he's very certain I have Asperger's. He advised that I join an online community, so here I am.

I too have a lot to learn, I'm only scratching the surface here. I'm practicing on managing anxieties and better adapting to the NT world. I've been trying to "wear a mask" in public but I'm pretty bad at it, and it eventually just slips. People see me as weird and annoying, and that's only a small part of what I am...there are secrets I keep from people other than my parents because they would think I'm some sort of psycho.

Here is a secret I'll reveal on here. I experience meltdowns at home and they can get very creepy. It's very unpredictable as to when they might trigger, but it's usually minor things like my mom or dad overreacting to something I said or did; I'm a very frustrating person to get along with and I hate being that way. That self-hatred is very much a part of the meltdowns; I start screaming at myself, calling myself names. I start hitting objects and running around like a maniac. I completely lose track of what I feel and say, and completely lose control of everything. I even slap or punch myself in the face at times. Some of these events are stemming from my anger at someone else, like for overreacting (don't worry, I don't slap or punch them in the face) - but I might say some really nasty words about the person I'm mad at. My mother is often present when I do this and she's really scared about my mental health. I don't do it in front of my father because he doesn't tolerate such mega-tantrums.

I might calm down later, sure - but the ship's already sailed and feelings have been hurt. People have been creeped out and it might take a while for everyone to calm down. I take a herb called Valerian to calm the nerves (and frankly, so does Ma). I come to my senses and finally realize retrospectively what I've done, and I go like "dear God what in the world did I just do?" When I'm feeling sane, I honestly creep myself out. My (few) friends and boss/coworkers have no clue. This is my big secret, right here; it's just my mother and father (he's seen me experience a few of those as well), my psychologist, and whoever is reading this response that know. I think I'm bordering on depression but I'm not letting any of my friends and work people know - I simply put on a mask that would slip at any time. I "come off" happy, but still as a worry-wart and weird.

Didn't mean to creep anyone out over here. I hate that this is happening and frankly I'm scared about my mental health too.

 

[Jet Weiss]

That self-hatred is very much a part of the meltdowns; I start screaming at myself, calling myself names. I start hitting objects and running around like a maniac. I completely lose track of what I feel and say, and completely lose control of everything. I even slap or punch myself in the face at times. Some of these events are stemming from my anger at someone else, like for overreacting (don't worry, I don't slap or punch them in the face) - but I might say some really nasty words about the person I'm mad at. My mother is often present when I do this and she's really scared about my mental health. I don't do it in front of my father because he doesn't tolerate such mega-tantrums.

You are not alone, I have meltdowns of that nature as well, and they usually result in me harming myself.

 

[WereBear]

Today she took the Aspie Quiz (I took it yesterday) so now we can look at the graph and see the differences. And indeed they are very different. My score is 145/200 for neurodiverse and hers is 60. My score is 68/200 for neurotypical and hers is 179. I think she gets it now.

What a great idea! I think seeing it in such terms would help any neurotypical/neurodiverse relationship.

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

I am so amazed as to just how much I can relate to so many people on here. I used to pretty much never fit in anywhere, and it made me feel so alone and lost. I used to not know what was wrong with me or why I struggled. I joined this community after finally going to a therapist to figure out why I am the way I am, and he's very certain I have Asperger's. He advised that I join an online community, so here I am.

I too have a lot to learn, I'm only scratching the surface here. I'm practicing on managing anxieties and better adapting to the NT world. I've been trying to "wear a mask" in public but I'm pretty bad at it, and it eventually just slips. People see me as weird and annoying, and that's only a small part of what I am...there are secrets I keep from people other than my parents because they would think I'm some sort of psycho.

Here is a secret I'll reveal on here. I experience meltdowns at home and they can get very creepy. It's very unpredictable as to when they might trigger, but it's usually minor things like my mom or dad overreacting to something I said or did; I'm a very frustrating person to get along with and I hate being that way. That self-hatred is very much a part of the meltdowns; I start screaming at myself, calling myself names. I start hitting objects and running around like a maniac. I completely lose track of what I feel and say, and completely lose control of everything. I even slap or punch myself in the face at times. Some of these events are stemming from my anger at someone else, like for overreacting (don't worry, I don't slap or punch them in the face) - but I might say some really nasty words about the person I'm mad at. My mother is often present when I do this and she's really scared about my mental health. I don't do it in front of my father because he doesn't tolerate such mega-tantrums.

I might calm down later, sure - but the ship's already sailed and feelings have been hurt. People have been creeped out and it might take a while for everyone to calm down. I take a herb called Valerian to calm the nerves (and frankly, so does Ma). I come to my senses and finally realize retrospectively what I've done, and I go like "dear God what in the world did I just do?" When I'm feeling sane, I honestly creep myself out. My (few) friends and boss/coworkers have no clue. This is my big secret, right here; it's just my mother and father (he's seen me experience a few of those as well), my psychologist, and whoever is reading this response that know. I think I'm bordering on depression but I'm not letting any of my friends and work people know - I simply put on a mask that would slip at any time. I "come off" happy, but still as a worry-wart and weird.

Didn't mean to creep anyone out over here. I hate that this is happening and frankly I'm scared about my mental health too.

hey there tyrantus. don't worry =) you will hardly creep anybody out - there is worse than this by far, and you sound very aware of what you are doing... at least you remember it well. there are loads of people who go raging about, all day that is. most of them are NT.

I would like to offer (offer only) you my advice, that you quit this hiding and mask-wearing. this is what makes you mad and raging - yet, it is absolutely mad to feel like having to wear a mask.

That is what you call a false self, and this is very unhealthy for your mind: viewed from your inner you, you hide your true self from all people. that means you are denying your self (psychologically: the sum of what you are = conscious+subconscious), your reality, forcing yourself to be not you - because you are convinced you are wrong as you are. the more you try to adapt the more you deny yourself, and the more you feel the need do build your false self/mask walls around your mind. the higher and thicker your walls, the more you are locked in - pressures rises: either you think bad of yourself, or of others, or everbody hates you and thinks bad things about you. however, this is all your thinking alone. if you are weird, so be it. others are weird, too, and most people actually do not care at all.

Nobody tells you this, I guess: you tell that to yourself - psycho/wrong, a mistake etc.. via your Ego you are self-attributing hatred and devalueation at your self. either that, or you have internalized low self value, self-hatred etc. which you have experienced in your object relations during your life - and this may force you to think this way of yourself. the problem is this: the denial/negativity you attribute to your self / or which you internalized does not stay there - the self does not like to be disliked, and it needs to get rid of this quickly before it disturbs the system's functioning. now the self has many defensive mechanisms for such cases: like projection - the negativity attacking your self is projected outwards, without your knowing, and thus you perceive others being negative about you. what the mind does, is simply move the conflicting information to a place, where you can defend yourself or counterattack it. However, you prefer to attack either your own self or other people sorrounding you - that is also a possibility of dealing with it. (I've had much of this myself) - I guess you feel like this, because you are overpressuring your true self with denial. in fact you are trying to kill your self. the rage you feel, is your self fighting back your own attack. logical. Don't be so stupid. I think you can do better than this.

So stop shutting up about things - stop the mask-wearing or find yourself a nicer mask, speak openly to people you trust - then to you colleagues, ask for advice, be nice and let them help you with your difficulties. If it proves too much, relax - you are disabled to a degree, and that cannot be changed. Don't force yourself to perform - it makes it worse. Besides, NT face problems of similar impact, too. You're not alone at all. Plus, people at work will feel much more comfortable about and with you, when they know you as you really are.

>>
psychologically, if you interact with your environment, you relate to an object (humans are objects too). this environment is the objective space. we think the mind as an informational system, or a virtual space. reality then is your personal virtually calculated output of both the objective space and your perceptive processing of it.

the objective space you perceive via sensory inputs - and after some filter and evaluation processes, some perceptional social-emotional distortions this information is delivered to your Ego/I. That is what you experience as reality. Now you have the chance of either trusting this subconscious output / the output of your self - or your Ego is conscious of the self, so you may reconsider what the self wants you to do, think or feel - deciding wether to act on it or not.

in case you had bad experiences: your relation as such to an object in the objective space is called a virtual object representation: the stored information in the mind about you and the object, your interaction, your emotions etc. now: if you have had many negative object relations, this negativity is also represented virtually somewhere in your mind's memory. what you do is this: observe in a neutral way what you think of others, what you think others think of you, what you think of yourself, what you fear etc. you can figure out by the contense of this, what may be a hidden cause - if you do know it.

in such a case, you will find that somewhere there is a true cause for your raging / generally any issue, and in most cases it is within yourself: a self-attributed negative memory /object represesentation, a self-attributed negative self-image, your self-hatred, internalized negative emotions of any kind ..or .. all this virtual information can disturb your functioning. So, if there is anything you dig this up, and take a daring look - by this invalidating any negative effect. then you become aware, that you are just a human being like others, and you are as good as anyone else. this usually solves it.

right now, you are massively self-distoring your perception, ruining and destroying yourself - for no apparent reason as viewed from the outside. I am quite sure, you will be much the same and better even, if you learn to go to work without a mask.

 

[Katleya]

As I read bbc-bananasplit's post, I can't help but think: how dare anyone say Aspies lack EQ? That is consistent with high EQ in my eyes, but maybe it's not EQ that can be measured using the standard tests because it is not standard intelligence.

 

[WereBear]

how dare anyone say Aspies lack EQ?

I agree: that "emotionless" lie is one of the most pernicious prejudices we deal with.

Personally, if anything, I feel things more than most NTs. At least, I have always been told so