Terrible Secret?

[JamesBon92007]

I couldn't find this particular expression while searching so I hope it has already been discussed to death, but I very recently began reading more about Asperger's and found this website only a couple of days ago. I have learned a lot and have a lot to learn and I am amazed, but I guess not too surprised, at how much I relate to most of the people here. I actually feel like I fit in which doesn't happen to me very often.

I have always felt like I had some terrible secret inside of me that I couldn't let anyone know about. At one point, after discussing a few things with a doctor, I was prescribed some medication. I looked it up and it was an anti-psychotic drug. Could I be psychotic? Somehow I could not relate very well to Norman Bates from Hitchcock's famous movie and he was about the only psychotic person I was familiar with. After reading many posts here about people wearing "masks" in public I think it is beginning to fit together. Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

 

[Judge]

After reading many posts here about people wearing "masks" in public I think it is beginning to fit together. Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

Nope. I don't treat it like a dreaded secret. However I do try to keep in mind that disclosing it should come on a "need-to-know" basis only.

To give it some thought before you tell anyone, and be prepared for varied reactions and responses no matter how close you may or may not be to the one you tell.

 

[Bella Pines]

Could I be psychotic?

psy·cho·sis (sī-kō′sĭs)
n. pl. psy·cho·ses (-sēz)
An acute or chronic mental state marked by loss of contact with reality, disorganized speech and behavior, and often hallucinations or delusions, seen in certain mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, and other medical disorders.


Do you hear voices, have hallucinations or are you inclined toward violent acts?

 

[RiverSong]

Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

Mostly yes. I don't have a professional diagnosis but I'm pretty sure I'm an Aspie. I don't tell people that I have or suspect that I have Aspergers. It's not because I'm ashamed of myself but because I know the people in my life wouldn't be understanding or accepting of this disclosure. I won't even tell my own parents for this very reason. The people around me would be more judgmental, mean, and view ASD as a negative rather than see any positives in it. So, I typically keep it to myself.

 

[Streetwise]

there are two types of psychosis violent and non violent that is info from the net ask your gp? which one he gave you a prescription for

I couldn't find this particular expression while searching so I hope it has already been discussed to death, but I very recently began reading more about Asperger's and found this website only a couple of days ago. I have learned a lot and have a lot to learn and I am amazed, but I guess not too surprised, at how much I relate to most of the people here. I actually feel like I fit in which doesn't happen to me very often.

I have always felt like I had some terrible secret inside of me that I couldn't let anyone know about. At one point, after discussing a few things with a doctor, I was prescribed some medication. I looked it up and it was an anti-psychotic drug. Could I be psychotic? Somehow I could not relate very well to Norman Bates from Hitchcock's famous movie and he was about the only psychotic person I was familiar with. After reading many posts here about people wearing "masks" in public I think it is beginning to fit together. Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

 

[JamesBon92007]

psy·cho·sis (sī-kō′sĭs)
n. pl. psy·cho·ses (-sēz)
An acute or chronic mental state marked by loss of contact with reality, disorganized speech and behavior, and often hallucinations or delusions, seen in certain mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, and other medical disorders.


Do you hear voices, have hallucinations or are you inclined toward violent acts?

Well, no. And I do not like to dress up like an old woman or stab women to death in the shower.

Asperger's seems to define me, but I always felt like nobody could know I was different. It all started when I was a little boy... One day in the first grade I was pulled out of class and sent to the District Office! Oh no, I thought, they found out that I was sticking soapy paper towels to the bathroom ceiling! I imagined that I was in for some kind of unimaginable punishment. Instead they gave me an IQ test. That was not so bad, I thought. Then everyone was making a big fuss and telling me that I could be a nuclear physicist and such things. What the heck is a nuclear physicist, thought I? Things calmed down for a while. Then right after the third grade they gave me a bunch of IQ tests (during summer vacation!) and then they shipped me off to a different school, alienating me from the other kids in the neighborhood. Now I had some kind of possibly communicable disease called "IQ" so everyone avoided me. And of course I probably had Asperger's too so this just escalated the problem. So, on top of the Asperger's I now had another personality order that I had to attempt to conceal, but it followed me everywhere, from one school to the next. Maybe that's why to me I feel such an intense need to keep it a secret.

 

[JamesBon92007]

there are two types of psychosis violent and non violent that is info from the net ask your gp? which one he gave you a prescription for

Thanks. I never got that far. I quit taking the prescription. If I don't take it then I'm not psychotic, right?
Now I see that Asperger's seems to cover all of my symptoms.

I'm afraid to tell any doctors anything because they might decide to "desensitize" me by making me listen to rock and roll and bagpipes.

 

[Keigan]

One of the things we find very common, is mis-diagnosis inside and outside of ASD.

It is very common for an individual with AS to have feelings of persecution as we try to fit in. I know for myself that after I was actually meeting other aspies in a support group, I started to understand the traits and the layers upon layers of coping mechanisms that I have always had.

Self diagnosed six months ago, 54 now - I have found my tribe and I celebrate my AS, it is a significant relief.

Now that I am granting acknowledgement to my AS, feelings that I have never known are starting to show up, because I have stopped applying so much energy into answering the question "why don't I fit in" - I know the answer now so I can just focus on monitoring and managing.

 

[WereBear]

I had always thought I was bullied because I was smart and made good grades; all such kids usually were.

Turned out, I also had Asperger's Syndrome. Which made a lot of things very clear. My frequent feeling that I was an orphan from an alien planet, for instance

I could certainly be treated as such in school. As I grew up and was able to pick the societies I moved in, this got better, but the feeling never quite went away, either.

 

[JamesBon92007]

T My frequent feeling that I was an orphan from an alien planet, for instance
.

When I was researching autism a few years ago (before I'd ever even heard of Asperger's) I was both surprised and not-to-surprised when I came upon WrongPlanet.com. At least now I knew there were other abandoned aliens on Earth! To say the least I did not seem to fit the definition of "human" considering how cruel and callous and viscous some of them are.

 

[WereBear]

To say the least I did not seem to fit the definition of "human" considering how cruel and callous and viscous some of them are.

Great name, bad site.

 

[WereBear]

Like Autism Speaks; only they don't want anyone with autism to speak.

 

[JamesBon92007]

Funny, in a sad sort of way.

 

[xudo]

Nope. I don't treat it like a dreaded secret. However I do try to keep in mind that disclosing it should come on a "need-to-know" basis only.

I couldn't have put how I feel about my diagnosis and people knowing any better myself. So I didn't, and just quoted @Judge

 

[Bella Pines]

Well, no. And I do not like to dress up like an old woman or stab women to death in the shower

Well that's great news.

So therefore you have answered your own question and are clearly not psychotic.

After reading many posts here about people wearing "masks" in public I think it is beginning to fit together. Is this how some of you feel, like it's a secret that nobody can find out about? Ever? No matter what?

Yep. I live behind a mask.

I have absolutely no empathy whatsoever. I approach everything logically and largely see the world in black and white (metaphorically). I don't pick up on social cues but I think that's more of a choice, I just can't be bothered. I do interact with NTs (neurotypicals) at work, but put on an act for them. I make noises when they speak like 'hmm' and 'oh interesting', I also do my best nodding dog impression and smile when I believe it is expected. I notice patterns everywhere, have a high IQ and many special projects that I get completely absorbed with.

I had emotions once. After my second child I got postnatal depression for about 6 months. Spent the time on a rollercoaster, crying and "sharing". It was exhausting. I got through by diligently studying neuroscience and eventually returned to a nice stable state of having the emotional range of a teaspoon.

Any of this sound familiar?

These are quite fun, nothing I didn't already know though:

Aspie Quiz
Aspie tests

So do I keep it a secret?

Nope, I don't really volunteer my aspergers, but I'm happy to talk about it when people ask. Of course then I monologue for hours

 

[bon vide]

i kind of know what you mean. like, pretending to be someone else? or acting neurotypical around others? i think a lot of autistic people do that. i did that and the former for pretty much all of my life, but to the extent that, the person that everyone else knew me as, was pretty much.. nothing like me. that was kind of awkward and got too exhausting so i had to stop

the terrible secret part, idk if you mean the terrible secret is autism or if you just feel like you have a terrible secret, but i kind of have that too, like i felt like there was a really stubborn darkness inside of me for a while, not as much anymore though, i dont know if thats exactly what youre talking about, for me i think it was related to anxiety type stuff

 

[JamesBon92007]

W
Any of this sound familiar?

These are quite fun, nothing I didn't already know though:

Aspie Quiz
Aspie tests

So do I keep it a secret?

Nope, I don't really volunteer my aspergers, but I'm happy to talk about it when people ask. Of course then I monologue for hours

 

[JamesBon92007]

Since I read some books and found this site I don't feel quite so much that I need to keep it a secret because it is fairly clear that what I have is Asperger's and not some scary psychological disturbance. I first learned about Aspies several years ago but didn't pursue more information because I didn't feel a need to. Now I'm in a relationship with a NT woman and she seems to be suffering from having to deal with me being myself so it suddenly has become important to learn all I can.

 

[JamesBon92007]

W
Aspie Quiz

Thanks for the links

So are I only took the Aspie Quiz. It looks like it's going to take me a long to to interpret it.

 

[Jimbo]

I can completely relate to the secret. I only discovered I had aspieism at age 44, but all my life I didn't want anybody to know the real me. I knew I wasn't normal but never knew why. I now have reached a point where I like the real me and don't try too hard to hide it anymore.