I'm an Aspie, married to an Aspie, and while you might expect that to mean everything runs well, smoothly and predictably, it really doesn't, because every Aspie is different.
Consequently, I have some similar problems too, and I am sure that my wife does with me, also.
What may help is if you can encourage your wife to express what she is thinking or what is happening as she perceives it, because clearly you are at a loss to understand what is happening inside her head at times. This is hardly a unique experience, because none of us are mind-readers, but where you may be capable of interpreting what many other people are experiencing by observing them and matching behaviours to your own experiences, that won't work at all well with an Aspie. As a result you really don't have the basis of any idea how things work for her without some very distinct clues.
For example, Aspies often have 'processing problems' - times when it is hard to work out how to comprehend or respond to some external stimulus, such as something that has been said, or some action or idea, or task. Processing problems result in unexpected pauses, sudden silences, or unpredictable and unexpected responses. What you would see is likely to be inexplicable and confusing, but if your wife can learn to simply indicate she is having issues processing, you would be able to take account of that fact instead.
Likewise, many Aspies have sensory problems meaning we can be overloaded very easily with too much input, or not enough downtime. Some of us have hearing issues where we can't filter different sounds, and they all arrive in a jumble. In my case for example that means if there's more than one voice talking at the same time, I can't work out what anyone is saying. If the kitchen timer is going off, I can't filter the sound out and thus can't hear anything else. If your wife suffers this, or anything like it, encouraging her to say so will help you understand and mitigate the problem.
Communication between the two of you is key to getting this under better control and you both reaching an understanding of each other's needs in this situation. Be clear and literal at all times, and don't expect that she can or will work out what you really mean rather that take your words at face value, and understand too that in almost every case, your wife is likely to mean exactly what she says, not something you are supposed to interpret from her words.
And make sure you are not judgmental. Her behaviours are the result of being on the spectrum, and are just as comprehensible in that context as your behaviours are to you - you just have to learn about what her neurology means to her rather than apply your expectations of her instead.
While it is true that there are far more examples of NT females looking for guidance on the Aspie male partners, there are a number of blogs etc written by Aspie females about what like on the spectrum is like, and how they function in the world around them. These can tell you a great deal. Try
https://musingsofanaspie.com as a starting point for example.