decadentcupcake
New Member
Hello everyone.
Where should I even start... Well I'm a 19-year-old girl who has been suspecting the possibility of being autistic since last July or so. I had been experiencing a burnout and had started noticing my issues with some stimuli as well. A bit odd, but the reason I started taking notice of those things was because I was reading The Stranger by Camus. The main character of that novel experiences very similar things as I do. Mind drifting off in conversations when they aren't of interest, dizziness from bright light and heat, for example. I'm quite depressed right now so I haven't been able to do as much research and introspection as I would like to. I match a lot of the criteria for autism (especially Asperger's or high-functioning, I suppose) and it would explain so many things. So many things I have just started to ignore at some point in my life and tried to erase them from myself because I couldn't understand why I was like this and not like everyone else - and felt ashamed of it. I'm not good at pretending so naturally once I realised my deficiency in communication and social interaction and how I differed from my peers, I started isolating myself from everyone.
I have lurked in a few autism communities in Reddit as well, and... when I read their experiences - especially from childhood - I felt really emotional because they were like me. I could never relate to many of others' childhood memories because mine weren't like theirs at all. I even refused to think of it as a part of myself because I feel so much shame and even contempt towards the way I was and how I acted at times. I couldn't understand why I was like that. For the first time ever, I could accept it.
I'm quite unsure of what to do next. It feels quite obvious to me, that I'm autistic. However, I can't see how getting a diagnosis would help me. I don't really care to do it to validate my feelings and experiences 'officially', somehow either. It's good enough to me that I know myself, my experiences and how I feel. I feel suspicious of outside help. I want to work everything out myself, but yet I feel so helpless at times and my support network is extremely scarce.
Ah well that was a lot... I hope to be able to connect with other autists here, get some kind of peer support... I'm tired of being alone in all this. I think I'm suffering badly from the lack of social interaction too...
Where should I even start... Well I'm a 19-year-old girl who has been suspecting the possibility of being autistic since last July or so. I had been experiencing a burnout and had started noticing my issues with some stimuli as well. A bit odd, but the reason I started taking notice of those things was because I was reading The Stranger by Camus. The main character of that novel experiences very similar things as I do. Mind drifting off in conversations when they aren't of interest, dizziness from bright light and heat, for example. I'm quite depressed right now so I haven't been able to do as much research and introspection as I would like to. I match a lot of the criteria for autism (especially Asperger's or high-functioning, I suppose) and it would explain so many things. So many things I have just started to ignore at some point in my life and tried to erase them from myself because I couldn't understand why I was like this and not like everyone else - and felt ashamed of it. I'm not good at pretending so naturally once I realised my deficiency in communication and social interaction and how I differed from my peers, I started isolating myself from everyone.
I have lurked in a few autism communities in Reddit as well, and... when I read their experiences - especially from childhood - I felt really emotional because they were like me. I could never relate to many of others' childhood memories because mine weren't like theirs at all. I even refused to think of it as a part of myself because I feel so much shame and even contempt towards the way I was and how I acted at times. I couldn't understand why I was like that. For the first time ever, I could accept it.
I'm quite unsure of what to do next. It feels quite obvious to me, that I'm autistic. However, I can't see how getting a diagnosis would help me. I don't really care to do it to validate my feelings and experiences 'officially', somehow either. It's good enough to me that I know myself, my experiences and how I feel. I feel suspicious of outside help. I want to work everything out myself, but yet I feel so helpless at times and my support network is extremely scarce.
Ah well that was a lot... I hope to be able to connect with other autists here, get some kind of peer support... I'm tired of being alone in all this. I think I'm suffering badly from the lack of social interaction too...
