Lashing out - is it a form of communication

[Judge]

All conversation around the topic is eventually a good thing. I think the thread has taken on an emotional perspective as to reasons why - which is really good.

Perhaps in most cases when one is emotional or passionate about something, it projects that they are invested in a particular position. Regardless of whether they are perceived as "right" or "wrong".

The only thing though with lashing out is that while it may be a catalyst for a more productive conversation, some people retreat under a more "spirited" discourse.

 

[Keigan]

Agreed, some people retreat under a more "spirited" conversation.

 

[Judge]

LOL...this reminds me of something that once occurred in a business meeting. Where my supervisor later commented to me, "You were being aggressive". Where I responded, "No, I was being assertive."

I suppose in the end it's all about perception.

 

[Mr Allen]

LOL...this reminds me of something that once occurred in a business meeting. Where my supervisor later commented to me, "You were being aggressive". Where I responded, "No, I was being assertive."

I suppose in the end it's all about perception.

Some people would deem me as being "aggressive" a lot of the time because I have a loud voice due to deafness.

It's not intentional, it just comes across that way to people who don't know/understand me.

That's partly why I hate talking to call centres, especially Indian ones! Because I talk quite loudly on the phone, they think I'm being aggressive, which is often true in their case, especially when the Indians are being annoying.

 

[Judge]

Some people would deem me as being "aggressive" a lot of the time because I have a loud voice due to deafness.

It's not intentional, it just comes across that way to people who don't know/understand me.

Interesting. My father thought the same about himself.

He suffered some degree of hearing loss as a gunnery officer doing destroyer duty for the Navy very early in his military career. Yet he never sought getting a hearing aid.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

lashing out, for me, is a symptom of a meltdown. if I start getting angry or frustrated, that is a warning. I try to get away, but if i can't i will scream at whoever has to deal with me and cry until i can get away. i always feel terrible afterword, but during a meltdown, screaming is the only form of communication i have.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

Yes, but I don't think it's specific to autism. Autistic people probably do it more because they know trying to talk about their problem won't do any good because they've tried countless times before in the past and no one would listen or they were brushed off or taught it's "wrong" to complain. Kinda like how dogs who are taught it is "wrong" to growl at people are more prone to biting. They have no way to let people know they have had enough and to cut it out, or people won't listen when they try then they have to bite or "lash out" as a last resort.

 

[Sabrina]

Sabrina, anyone who regularly lashes out, whether it is from a child, a man or a woman, that calls for medical intervention, and it is important too for the victims. Things can get better if the right treatment is involved, and with the right attitude. Persons can take only so much yelling and screaming and abuse before they break, too. I hope he understands all that damage that has caused you all. That lashing out is not just an Aspie possible trait, but NT women and men often resort to that too, from job pressures, money issues, differences in philosophy and personality, and so on. There are many relationships and families though that do not have that, and so everyone should strive to achieve that. If it is not possible to achieve that, of course persons should consider other means. Everyone deserves happiness.

I am not sure what "regularly" means in this context. It's more or less every six months, but it is very intense and it can drag for days or weeks.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I am not sure what "regularly" means in this context. It's more or less every six months, but it is very intense and it can drag for days or weeks.

Maybe I should have used a better word than "regularly." In that context I meant if it was any pattern of lashing out, then that definitely is a very concerning issue. Also, even if no pattern existed and there were any severe and prolonged such episodes, that could be very harming too, to all involved and present.

I guess the partner would know when it reached a point when "enough is enough" for them. It depends on the individual circumstances, including too if children are involved, the stress tolerance levels, and whether the person lashing out thought it was wrong or not, and if the other does the same equally, among other things.

Yelling and screaming I personally am very bothered by. I feel
there should be a better way to voice frustrations. Attack the message, in a calmer way, and find some other way to get that frustration out, if not self-help, and do not resort to attacking the other, in any way, verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually. Doing such never solves anything.

 

[Chance]

I'm glad that there have been specific times where I was able to stop myself early. I will never forgive myself for my sins and I don't think God is very fond of me right now. I just want this crap to stop, I just want to be an actual SON to these people, not someone who stresses them so much out towards an early grave. Any chance I might need to get diagnosed with something other than Asperger's? Could I also be bipolar or borderline?

Hey Ty... You just said 2 things in what I pulled from your post

1. you have had times you CAN stop yourself early... So what did you do to do that? Practice that, A LOT.

2. You will not forgive yourself... If you cant forgive yourself, then you hate yourself, which equals you hating everything around you. Just sit down with your parents every now and then and say I am sorry... (you may already do this).

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, or you wouldn't admit you are wrong, and you would be blaming them, and not yourself...

Dude, (not to sound weird) but you gotta love or respect yourself, before you can do the same for others.

 

[Chance]

I live with a person (my wife) who's favorite form of communication is 'lashing out'

It used to bother me, but now I just mostly ignore it. I found that if I don't respond... it kind of throws her off, it takes the fuel out of her episodes. Most every time its over something petty, and she knows I won't play her games, nor will I feed her need for the drama that she seeks...

I very seldom say much at all, or lash out at someone, but when I do its not pretty, because I hold nothing back and of course I feel bad. But sometimes I do feel relieved, because I never do this as some pissy, spoiled way of causing drama, I do it to end it. Its always after I have put up with way too much from someone. The few times in life I have done this... its memorable. I meant it, and it was a form of defense, not just a ploy to get my way on something.

Over a lot of time I had to learn to protect myself. I am a very non-confrontational person and the last thing on this planet I want to do is pick a fight, or start an argument. So (without being a coward) I learned ways to try and defuse this stuff before it gets to that nasty place where people get hurt. I suck at showing emotions, but I am blessed with arranging what I understand logically. It helps me not keep all this stuff from eating me up inside.

 

[Keigan]

Lashing out is a form of communication for many, while it may not be a desired form it is a form that is a default for frustration.

It is that the brain has done all it can to find a means to explain and communicate, when it can't, it is like a river of energy hits a brick wall of defeat resulting in an explosion.

It is as if, we do not know ways out. We want to communicate but can't.

Life has given me phrases that I use repeatedly as a path out, towards communicating so that I don't lash out verbally.

"Let me get back to you" is one I use all the time, it allows me space and time without blowing off the person I'm talking with, or losing myself in front of them.

 

[Keigan]

i'll add that the more paths out that I have, the easier things become and I no longer lash out verbally. I can feel the feelings of being cornered and not having world that lead to frustration, I can feel those feelings start to go and that is when I deploy my coping mechanism of "let me get back to you" in order to defuse the energy and lose myself.

 

[Ambi]

placing this in general autism because I think it is broad.

not to debate right or wrong, do you think that for some people - lashing out is actually how they express their frustration ?

Okay, this is going to sound like a dumb answer, possibly, but this finally just occurred to me. By lashing out, they are not expressing their frustration - they are expressing their anger. It is possible to express frustration in a calm, respectful manner. But to me it seems that to express anger, it would be in an explosive or snappy way - because to not do that would be suppressing the anger.

 

[Keigan]

Okay, this is going to sound like a dumb answer, possibly, but this finally just occurred to me. By lashing out, they are not expressing their frustration - they are expressing their anger. It is possible to express frustration in a calm, respectful manner. But to me it seems that to express anger, it would be in an explosive or snappy way - because to not do that would be suppressing the anger.

Clear that everyone has different reasons, though potentially it occurs when we reach a point of not knowing what to say or how to proceed. Our brains lock up, then there is energy that goes outwards.

 

[Gracey]

Okay, this is going to sound like a dumb answer, possibly, but this finally just occurred to me. By lashing out, they are not expressing their frustration - they are expressing their anger. It is possible to express frustration in a calm, respectful manner. But to me it seems that to express anger, it would be in an explosive or snappy way - because to not do that would be suppressing the anger.

When there isn't a much practised, successful outlet for that frustration or a suitable method of redirecting thought patterns (Keigan's "I'll get back to you") that frustration when left to build is triggering a release of neurochemicals that will ready the body for defence. I would welcome correction on this but I believe this defence to be anger.

Frustration can be where it starts, Anger is where it ends up. (If no suitable method is used to nip that frustration in the bud)

I like what Chance wrote above about how lashing out was a way of getting something to stop. It was a defence. When pushed way beyond what can be tolerated over a period of time (I'm understanding the term lashing out to mean defending ourselves verbally and not physically)

In my own case Ambi, I would agree with you. I will lash out verbally if I don't know how else to get something that is pushing me beyond frustration to stop. I feel I'm not been given or creating for myself enough time to understand and process what is going on. So I react, usually in anger.

 

[toothless]

for me,when i was non verbal [up until my late twenties] i would lash out because i couldnt speak and was very frustrated with myself,i still have a speech and language impairment which i attack myself if i am frustrated with not being able to get words out.
i also lashed out to tell people i wasnt happy.

all behavior is communication.

 

[Thursday]

I don't think lashing out is strictly an autism issue but our communication barriers make it so hard to process on the fly and so our fight or flight instincts trigger easily.

There are times when I'm just so frustrated, I can't even form the words to describe what's what. I just know I'm so sad or so angry, and trying to describe why makes my mind blank. I then have the urge to fight back (raise my voice, hopefully I recognize it then I can tone it down again).

Anyway, we all grow comfortable with an arsenal of defenses when we go into communication fight or flight mode. I found an interesting article about it before:

15 Common Defense Mechanisms | Psych Central

I seesaw between different ones, but for the primitive ones, I have a tendency towards reaction formation and acting out. I'd like to believe I am capable of sublimation and assertiveness. The problem is when I try to recognize my behavior and the person I'm talking to doesn't. Then I lose my willpower to check myself and then it gets crazy from there.

 

[Butterfly88]

I personally consider it a maladaptive form of communication. I am guilty of this myself.