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Lashing out - is it a form of communication

Keigan

Restless Mind
V.I.P Member
placing this in general autism because I think it is broad.

not to debate right or wrong, do you think that for some people - lashing out is actually how they express their frustration ?
 
I lash out at my parents whenever I'm in a bad mood - verbally. I'm not proud of it one bit, they're great people and this is how I pay them back? I've had trouble controlling my emotions throughout my entire life. Picked so many quarrels with my grandmother when I was a child. Always screamed like a maniac whenever something didn't go my way. Even as a baby I cried way more than average, and that must have been the harbinger. I'm almost 30 years old and I'm still capable of acting this way towards my parents only to realize everything AFTER the ship has already sailed. I still live in the same household and I'd really hate to spend another minute making their lives miserable. I've never been able to control this, and I really wish I could; even my doc told me that he doesn't know a way to make these outbursts go away, and I refuse to take medication (he wasn't offering it).

Another thing that troubles me is why I don't lash out at other people, and it's possibly because I know that I can never lose my parents' love and support - and I'm extremely emotional by nature. I might hold it off at work because I'd get fired if I were to behave this way, but there were a couple of times where I was just so furious at a coworker that I ended up bottling it all up inside until it resulted in a horrific meltdown at home, creeped the crap out of my mother. I said some of the nastiest words I possibly could about the coworker...I just exploded, completely and totally lashed out. The fact that I only allow myself to do this at home makes me feel like a hypocrite, like someone who respects everyone but my parents (and that coworker, I guess...). I would jump in front of a car to save my parents' lives, yet the way I act towards them sometimes is just despicable and deplorable.

These outbursts are quite unpredictable and tend to happen when I'm in a bad mood. In the mornings I'm especially vulnerable and the best thing to do during those times is to leave me alone 100%, not utter a single word. Unfortunately I tend to be in a bad mood for the most part of my life. Just a couple of weeks ago I told my mother that I hated her...triggered by a simple case of car trouble, and me thinking that she blamed me for going too fast over the speed bump. I lash out and then I just drown in an ocean of regret. This is not the type of life I want to lead, I want to get rid of these lash-outs once and for all - more than the anxieties and social troubles combined. Is there any solution to this that doesn't involve medication? I don't want to take something I might become addicted to, and my doc agrees with this opinion.
 
ask your doc about DBT it helps regulate emotions and its good for stress!! if that ISNT the one try CBT ,also you have got to realise your parents could be dead tomorrow you have do a lot more for yourself while you have youth helping you !!!!!
i was and am shattered by living alone!!!! feeling that someone wont do everything they did is very stressful !!!you should try supported living!!!- the feeling of your mother not existing is horrific :':)':)'(being alone a lot is bad for your physical health
I lash out at my parents whenever I'm in a bad mood - verbally. I'm not proud of it one bit, they're great people and this is how I pay them back? I've had trouble controlling my emotions throughout my entire life. Picked so many quarrels with my grandmother when I was a child. Always screamed like a maniac whenever something didn't go my way. Even as a baby I cried way more than average, and that must have been the harbinger. I'm almost 30 years old and I'm still capable of acting this way towards my parents only to realize everything AFTER the ship has already sailed. I still live in the same household and I'd really hate to spend another minute making their lives miserable. I've never been able to control this, and I really wish I could; even my doc told me that he doesn't know a way to make these outbursts go away, and I refuse to take medication (he wasn't offering it).

Another thing that troubles me is why I don't lash out at other people, and it's possibly because I know that I can never lose my parents' love and support - and I'm extremely emotional by nature. I might hold it off at work because I'd get fired if I were to behave this way, but there were a couple of times where I was just so furious at a coworker that I ended up bottling it all up inside until it resulted in a horrific meltdown at home, creeped the crap out of my mother. I said some of the nastiest words I possibly could about the coworker...I just exploded, completely and totally lashed out. The fact that I only allow myself to do this at home makes me feel like a hypocrite, like someone who respects everyone but my parents (and that coworker, I guess...). I would jump in front of a car to save my parents' lives, yet the way I act towards them sometimes is just despicable and deplorable.

These outbursts are quite unpredictable and tend to happen when I'm in a bad mood. In the mornings I'm especially vulnerable and the best thing to do during those times is to leave me alone 100%, not utter a single word. Unfortunately I tend to be in a bad mood for the most part of my life. Just a couple of weeks ago I told my mother that I hated her...triggered by a simple case of car trouble, and me thinking that she blamed me for going too fast over the speed bump. I lash out and then I just drown in an ocean of regret. This is not the type of life I want to lead, I want to get rid of these lash-outs once and for all - more than the anxieties and social troubles combined. Is there any solution to this that doesn't involve medication? I don't want to take something I might become addicted to, and my doc agrees with this opinion.
ask
I lash out at my parents whenever I'm in a bad mood - verbally. I'm not proud of it one bit, they're great people and this is how I pay them back? I've had trouble controlling my emotions throughout my entire life. Picked so many quarrels with my grandmother when I was a child. Always screamed like a maniac whenever something didn't go my way. Even as a baby I cried way more than average, and that must have been the harbinger. I'm almost 30 years old and I'm still capable of acting this way towards my parents only to realize everything AFTER the ship has already sailed. I still live in the same household and I'd really hate to spend another minute making their lives miserable. I've never been able to control this, and I really wish I could; even my doc told me that he doesn't know a way to make these outbursts go away, and I refuse to take medication (he wasn't offering it).

Another thing that troubles me is why I don't lash out at other people, and it's possibly because I know that I can never lose my parents' love and support - and I'm extremely emotional by nature. I might hold it off at work because I'd get fired if I were to behave this way, but there were a couple of times where I was just so furious at a coworker that I ended up bottling it all up inside until it resulted in a horrific meltdown at home, creeped the crap out of my mother. I said some of the nastiest words I possibly could about the coworker...I just exploded, completely and totally lashed out. The fact that I only allow myself to do this at home makes me feel like a hypocrite, like someone who respects everyone but my parents (and that coworker, I guess...). I would jump in front of a car to save my parents' lives, yet the way I act towards them sometimes is just despicable and deplorable.

These outbursts are quite unpredictable and tend to happen when I'm in a bad mood. In the mornings I'm especially vulnerable and the best thing to do during those times is to leave me alone 100%, not utter a single word. Unfortunately I tend to be in a bad mood for the most part of my life. Just a couple of weeks ago I told my mother that I hated her...triggered by a simple case of car trouble, and me thinking that she blamed me for going too fast over the speed bump. I lash out and then I just drown in an ocean of regret. This is not the type of life I want to lead, I want to get rid of these lash-outs once and for all - more than the anxieties and social troubles combined. Is there any solution to this that doesn't involve medication? I don't want to take something I might become addicted to, and my doc agrees with this opinion.
 
stupid emojis arent working
ask your doc about DBT it helps regulate emotions and its good for stress!! if that ISNT the one try CBT ,also you have got to realise your parents could be dead tomorrow you have do a lot more for yourself while you have youth helping you !!!!!
i was and am shattered by living alone!!!! feeling that someone wont do everything they did is very stressful !!!you should try supported living!!!- the feeling of your mother not existing is horrific :':)':)'(being alone a lot is bad for your physical health
ask
 
@Tyrantus1212

Perhaps you are unable to make good headway on reduction of, or stopping your lashing out episodes due to a lack of enough motivation?

Picturing what you will feel like when your parents are gone might give you that lacking motivation. You will feel much worse when they are gone if you have not managed to stop hurting them now.
 
For me it is a form of miscommunication. If I'm sad for long and put in a stressful situation, I tend to lash out because I can't express how I'm really feeling. It makes me feel worse when I'm misunderstood.
 
@Tyrantus1212

Perhaps you are unable to make good headway on reduction of, or stopping your lashing out episodes due to a lack of enough motivation?

Picturing what you will feel like when your parents are gone might give you that lacking motivation. You will feel much worse when they are gone if you have not managed to stop hurting them now.

I just feel like crying when I read these replies. I've been a horrible son and I don't deserve parents like these. Even now, the way I realize just how much valuable time with them has been lost and it's all my fault...I just feel so awfully sorry for them, and it's exactly why I feel like crying a river. I really do love them but boy am I lousy at showing it. I don't want to be the black sheep of the family anymore (they tell me I'm not a black sheep but I know otherwise). I tried to stop myself multiple times, seemingly learning my lesson each time I managed to cause an extremely dire situation. Yet somehow some way I still managed to regress. I hate myself so much. My dad almost stopped talking to me once because of this. It's a miracle God hasn't punished me yet. I've been threatening to commit myself to a mental institution so many times...but right now I think I'd rather just keep on discussing this extremely serious matter with my doc. And no matter what I do, somehow I never manage to lose their love and support, because they know that despite fighting so many inner demons I'm still a good person. They actually admit that they think I'm one of the best people that exist; because I don't commit crimes, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't purposefully hurt people, I prefer to be honest, and I always do my best in school and work. Yet these same demons just totally "overshadow" all the good stuff whenever they surface.

I admit that motivation is not something I exhibit very often and I have no idea why. I would jump in front of a car for these people, just like I said in my previous post, yet I'm not motivated enough to treat them like a human being should? I actually go through good days and can go weeks without lashing out, and it sucks that I cannot predict the notorious return of Mr. Hyde. God, I love them so much and it's really why this hurts a lot. I give myself an F when I rate myself as a son; in fact when I behave like this I'm NO son. I'm glad that there have been specific times where I was able to stop myself early. I will never forgive myself for my sins and I don't think God is very fond of me right now. I just want this crap to stop, I just want to be an actual SON to these people, not someone who stresses them so much out towards an early grave. Any chance I might need to get diagnosed with something other than Asperger's? Could I also be bipolar or borderline?
 
Picturing what you will feel like when your parents are gone might give you that lacking motivation. You will feel much worse when they are gone if you have not managed to stop hurting them now.
This is so true. But, I know from my own experience lashing out seemed to be stronger towards my parents than other people. This could be because your emotions are stronger for them, you feel more able to let it all out and still know they will love you. Others will be alienated easier and like in school or at work you don't need that so you hold it in.
Hey, I know sometimes my temper flares quickly at something someone says that is insulting to me or things they do that are wrong or hurtful.
But, this is my rule and I can honestly say I've stuck to it... If I say it, I mean it.
None of this "Oh, I was angry, I didn't mean what I said." I choose my words carefully. Because I don't believe people say things they don't mean. It's coming from some truth that they just normally wouldn't say without anger loosening the tongue.
Another diagnosis is just another diagnosis. I just look inside and see the core that the vocanoe overflow is coming from. Or at least try to understand it.
 
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I have gotten better at not lashing out at people, but I did this a lot for a long time. I just put 2 and 2 together and realized that my parents did this to me, too - it was the only way in which they expressed their anger. So maybe that's where I learned it - never saw a healthier way to communicate frustration in my family.
 
When I'm angry with someone (which for me is pretty often, I'm not that nice;)) I just go into full recluse silent mode. I avoid people, I really don't like confrontation. So I just find it easier to float about and avoid the person bothering me (super mature I know, but at least I don't punch their teeth out). I suppose lashing out could be a response to frustration, but it likely needs to be handled better (easier said than done).
 
I just feel like crying when I read these replies. I've been a horrible son and I don't deserve parents like these. Even now, the way I realize just how much valuable time with them has been lost and it's all my fault...I just feel so awfully sorry for them, and it's exactly why I feel like crying a river. I really do love them but boy am I lousy at showing it. I don't want to be the black sheep of the family anymore (they tell me I'm not a black sheep but I know otherwise). I tried to stop myself multiple times, seemingly learning my lesson each time I managed to cause an extremely dire situation. Yet somehow some way I still managed to regress. I hate myself so much. My dad almost stopped talking to me once because of this. It's a miracle God hasn't punished me yet. I've been threatening to commit myself to a mental institution so many times...but right now I think I'd rather just keep on discussing this extremely serious matter with my doc. And no matter what I do, somehow I never manage to lose their love and support, because they know that despite fighting so many inner demons I'm still a good person. They actually admit that they think I'm one of the best people that exist; because I don't commit crimes, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't purposefully hurt people, I prefer to be honest, and I always do my best in school and work. Yet these same demons just totally "overshadow" all the good stuff whenever they surface.

I admit that motivation is not something I exhibit very often and I have no idea why. I would jump in front of a car for these people, just like I said in my previous post, yet I'm not motivated enough to treat them like a human being should? I actually go through good days and can go weeks without lashing out, and it sucks that I cannot predict the notorious return of Mr. Hyde. God, I love them so much and it's really why this hurts a lot. I give myself an F when I rate myself as a son; in fact when I behave like this I'm NO son. I'm glad that there have been specific times where I was able to stop myself early. I will never forgive myself for my sins and I don't think God is very fond of me right now. I just want this crap to stop, I just want to be an actual SON to these people, not someone who stresses them so much out towards an early grave. Any chance I might need to get diagnosed with something other than Asperger's? Could I also be bipolar or borderline?

You are seeing a therapist, so it is a good idea to discuss whether you might have other problems like being bipolar, etc. We do not know enough here to advise you on that.

I can encourage you to not feel so bad about your failures so far, to change your lashing out behavior towards your parents. Your behavior is not who you are. You already know that you are a good person. It is just your behavior that is hurtful, not you.

I probably used to be worse than you are about lashing out. I almost never do that now. Maybe this will give you hope that you can change your behavior too.
 
Great posts, thanks for sharing. A couple reasons:
- not being able to express emotions
- potential expectations not being met
 
It will take quite a few situations or struggles to get to that place of lashing out but yes I am capable of it.
The word miscommunication was used earlier in the thread. I like that.
 
I lash out after several attempts by others to hurt me. I am pretty easy going due to lack of reading people well and social situations. I give people chances and when I have physical or quantifiable result of how they took advantage of me- unable to complete work, fired from a job, etc- I lash out.
 
I do sadly tend to lash out when frustrated or stressed,I always feel bad afterwards because stress and me don't get along and like others here I sometimes also have issues using the right words to describe what I'm going through so I end up getting stressed,cranky and even sometimes frustrated which is not a good combination.
 
Lashing out is emotional abuse. My husband has done it too many times to me and my kids.
Last time I told him that next time that he screams at me or the kids, I would remove them, or me, from the place without saying anything.
So he did not lash out. But he went into withdrawal/ recluse mode for TWO weeks. It made me feel emotionally abandoned.
Then, over a minor issue he lashed out at me worst than ever in his life. That same day he told me he didn't want to do anything with me. I told him we should separate.

We've back pedaled.
I don't wish to anybody, not even my worst enemy, being the target of someone lashing out. I cried too many times in desperation, hiding in remote parking lots. I stumbled in my shower, curled up, crying, and feeling not only like a victim, but also humilliated at the fact that I could not do anything about it.
When the aspie is a dad, lashing out leaves emotional wounds in children and in the wife.
In the past, I used to react, lashing out too, trying to salvage whatever was left of my self steem. It just made a hell out of those moments, and my kids were
there sometimes, listening. That's the biggest regret of my life, letting them hear all that yelling.

Right now we are in a good period, and I've changed the rules (not reacting, but removing my self or the kids from the physical space where he is, in case that he lashes out again).
 
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Tyrantus1212:

You seem like a great guy, but just do not know why you are acting as you do, and especially to your parents. Yes, it could be because you feel they will not abandon you as you know they love you so much, so you cling to your few friends instead, and try to act more proper at work, as you do not want them to leave you or reject you. That sounds like a fear of abandonment.

It seems like you have identity issues as well. In other posts you mentioned you often did not take things seriously, and with inappropriate laughter, but then you have that other side where you can get upset at any moment and take criticism and rejection seriously. You also felt smart, but you also said you lacked common sense. You can show anger, but also can also feel like crying too. You do not know who you are.

You have said you have very poor self-esteem, and that would affect your moods, causing irritability, too, and you have much guilt and shame after those anger episodes, as you feel love for family, but then you could say you hate them but do not mean that. As well, in another thread message you said suggested you feel half of the time you want to be alone from your parents, suggesting emptiness, loneliness and boredom.

I certainly would ask your psychologist to look into Borderline Personality, too, as you had asked this forum if that or Bipolar could be involved. I think you are showing all the classic symptoms of the first one mentioned, and you might want to research that further. If you have any impulsivity issues as well, that condition should be really considered by your medical doctor, as another diagnoses.

You talked about the FLOAT method as some treatment, that your doctor recommended. I hope that works for you, as it has sound principles behind it, but it seems a bit complex to me, as if you sometimes have racing thoughts, as you mentioned in another post, in another thread I believe, how can you slow down to go step by step like that? And especially when you said elsewhere you can make excuses or lack motivation at times?

As you are very hesitant and fearful of medications, and I really understand that, as I myself am hesitant of that treatment as well, and especially when I often question medical diagnoses, I would focus on the cognitive therapy, and possibly DBT therapy, too. You do not need a doctor to research more and try either of those therapies, to see if it works. They even have even a workbook for DBT by Marsha Linehan, sold online.

There are basic things you can do immediately, too, to head in the right direction. Do not just wait for your doctor to give his talk therapy session, as you can do other things daily yourself, too. He would not have all the answers, as you suggested so yourself, when you said in one message he did not know what to do about your outbursts. So, that is why you can listen to other advice and do research too. As your parents are important to you, they would love those efforts.

You mentioned you liked hugs and a kiss on the forehead from your parents, and compliments can too can either put you in a better mood or change your mood. I know said you love vacations as well. So, you are already providing lots of answers, and by coming to this forum, admitting wrongs, and going to get medical help, this tells your parents you care too. Tell them by letter maybe what you have told us about how caring they are, and how you feel bad you get upset at them, and you are trying to find solutions to make things better.

The good news is you can try simple things immediately. In general, I feel you need to find ways to love yourself, think more positively and worry less. If you have no motivation and energy to do such self-help exercises, then no such treatment will work, and one might as well resign themselves to a life of misery. But, if you prioritize that, you can feel better, more confident, and feel more in control, in as little as six weeks if you consistently put forth the effort.

Start heading in that right direction now. Whenever you feel a bad mood coming on, you can visualize in detail immediately those things you love, like either a hug or kiss and a compliment from your parents. Or visualize them crying. Imagine whatever that will work the best for you, to stop that outburst at them. Do this every time you feel you are going to get upset at them. Try to slow your breathing and have a smile too, to put you more in that better frame of mind and trick your body into thinking your anger is instead turning to comfort and happiness.

When you are at work or in public, you could visualize a pleasant vacation memory when you are internalizing some upset feeling, which could erupt at home. I know you said you do not get upset at others at work, and that is a small success you can be proud of. The bigger success though would be if you did not have many upset feelings there, from any criticism, work mistake or pressure. Try to reduce those negative feelings by either finding some positive twist to that negative thought or experience, or by shifting your thoughts to something totally different and positive. Our minds can visualize much good!

Over a relatively short period of time, if you consistently make those efforts, and other efforts which I will mention, you should notice you being a more positive person, and so this would mean less worry and less outbursts. I feel it is important too to resort to self-praise as well. Write down a list of things great about you, and read them to yourself three times a day, and visualize how you are great in those ways, by your good deeds, abilities and talents. Journal daily any good thing you do too, no matter how small. Read those at days end. Pick a password on your computer that says something good about you. Each time you log on that will help reinforce that good character trait or ability.

Your roaring dinosaur is my absolute favorite on the forum, but I hope it does not reinforce your negative self-image and self-hatred. It may be part of your identity now, so I understand that. Consider meditation exercises as well, and use your humor sometimes to your benefit when you see a harmful feeling coming on. Being around supportive persons helps, so I am glad your parents and friends are this way, and those in this forum. And I am glad you avoid those who You do not trust, until your strength and positive energy grows.

These are just some of my opinions and suggestions, that can work. I feel they can only but help, not hurt. Also, in your case, visualize often throughout the day you succeeding with talks with your parents and being so calm and happy around them, no matter the task at hand or issue discussed. This over time makes it feel like they were actual real life experiences, thus reinforcing positive behavior around them. I used to visualize in detail often being very socially functional and appropriate around persons and in speeches. That was because my main issue was social anxiety, not mood outbursts.

I hope this information helps. Give it a try. I would not have recommended anything if you did not want to change, and for your parents benefit, too.
 
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Lashing out is emotional abuse. My husband has done it too many times to me and my kids.
Last time I told him that next time that he screams at me or the kids, I would remove them, or me, from the place without saying anything.
So he did not lash out. But he went into withdrawal/ recluse mode for TWO weeks. It made me feel emotionally abandoned.
Then, over a minor issue he lashed out at me worst than ever in his life. That same day he told me he didn't want to do anything with me. I told him we should separate.

We've back pedaled.
I don't wish to anybody, not even my worst enemy, being the target of someone lashing out. I cried too many times in desperation, hiding in remote parking lots. I stumbled in my shower, curled up, crying, and feeling not only like a victim, but also humilliated at the fact that I could not do anything about it.
When the aspie is a dad, lashing out leaves emotional wounds in children and in the wife.
In the past, I used to react, lashing out too, trying to salvage whatever was left of my self steem. It just made a hell out of those moments, and my kids were
there sometimes, listening. That's the biggest regret of my life, letting them hear all that yelling.

Right now we are in a good period, and I've changed the rules (not reacting, but removing my self or the kids from the physical space where he is, in case that he lashes out again).

Sabrina, anyone who regularly lashes out, whether it is from a child, a man or a woman, that calls for medical intervention, and it is important too for the victims. Things can get better if the right treatment is involved, and with the right attitude. Persons can take only so much yelling and screaming and abuse before they break, too. I hope he understands all that damage that has caused you all. That lashing out is not just an Aspie possible trait, but NT women and men often resort to that too, from job pressures, money issues, differences in philosophy and personality, and so on. There are many relationships and families though that do not have that, and so everyone should strive to achieve that. If it is not possible to achieve that, of course persons should consider other means. Everyone deserves happiness.
 
not to debate right or wrong, do you think that for some people - lashing out is actually how they express their frustration ?

Sure, why not?

I mean, it may be somewhat akin to what is known as a "Freudian Slip". Where someone unintentionally expresses the truth as they see it perhaps through duress rather than a relaxed, civil conversation.
 
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Sure, why not?

I mean, it may be quite akin to what is known as a "Freudian Slip". Where someone expresses the truth as they see it perhaps through duress rather than a relaxed, civil conversation.

All conversation around the topic is eventually a good thing. I think the thread has taken on an emotional perspective as to reasons why - which is really good. Additionally, many people might not have offered their experiences in a thread that was passionate about right or wrong. Feel free to start another thread for opinions on right or wrong.
 

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