Introduction

[Zde99i]

Hi! I am new to the forum and I’m just looking for supportI am a NT female that has been w a ND partner for 12 years. In May 2023 we had a couples counseling session and decided that we were going to start trying to have a baby in October 2023. Initially, he was hesitant because he was saying that he is not sure if it’s some thing that I wanted. Because about seven years ago, I wasn’t too keen on having kids. Fast forward to May 2023. He believes that you still don’t want to have kids. But eventually we’re talking with a therapist that councils people in neurodiverse relationships, we both agreed that we will start trying in October. He is always said ever since 10 years ago that he wanted to kids.

Anyway, we started trying in October and I got pregnant very quickly. One week ago, I told him that I am pregnant. And he responded with silence. I gave him 10 minutes to process and came back to him and asked him how he felt about it and he still responded with silence. I went to bed, not knowing his feelings on the situation. The next day he would talk to me about superficial topics, but when I brought up the pregnancy thing again, he again was silent. Two days later, he just stopped talking to me completely. I reached out to him on the fourth day ( after talking to the therapist,) and told him that we need to talk, and that we will have to have a discussion in five days.

So basically, I’m giving him about nine days just to process his feelings. I’m not calling him and I’m not texting him. I guess I’m just kind of confused because he has always talked about how he wanted kids. Yet now it seems like maybe he theoretically wanted kids, but now that it’s actually happening, he is panicking. I don’t think he’s the kind of person to completely abandon the relationship when there’s a kid. But I’m just a bit confused because we discussed this yet he’s acting like this is a huge surprise when it takes two to tango. I don’t get why he just didn’t say he didn’t want kids if it’s clearly something that causes him a ton of anxiety.

Anyway, any advice you guys have would be great

 

[MNAus]

Hi there. I don't know the guy so couldn't possibly give you an explanation of how he feels. But hope this might help anyway.

I can tell you how I felt, which might give the idea that there are different angles, even if it's highly unlikely your partner is feeling the same way precisely.

I don't think I'd have much of an answer to "how do you feel about it?" because I don't really know how I feel about most things and I don't see it as particularly important to ponder how I may or may not feel when a little life is on the way and everything needs setting up. I think we (ASD) take our role in things very seriously and are much more prone to planning things out and less likely to just see how the chips fall. That means we assess our own ability to perform, and we can be harsh critics. Whereas other couple might coo "oh you'll be such a great dad. And you'll be such a great mum", I was already thinking through the things that needed doing and feeling aching chasms looming where I was unable to completely assure myself I was going to perform to the required level.

I guess that can feel like it's robbing the joy out of things, but there are advantages because you do get a partner who you can depend on a lot more, and believe me that's a pretty valuable thing when you've got little ones.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

Hi! I am new to the forum and I’m just looking for support...

I cannot know his particulars, but I can hazard a guess.
A relationship in the form of a spouse, children even a pet brings with it

• a sense of purpose,
• a sense of belonging &
• an affirmation of being valued by another.

Even introverts value those.

Those same relationships, particularly the first two, bring with them a certain amount of unpredictability; an unknown quantity.
Autistics thrive on being able to order their lives into efficient patterns.
Other people (autistic or not) do not always abide by those patterns. (That is the hidden cost of maintaining such relationships.)

He may be coming to the realization that his life is about to become more complicated in ways that he cannot make a priori plans for, because the baby is still a stranger. Wait-and-see plans are a posteriority plans. They are fraught with uncertainty.
We have to learn to wing it!
We can still plan for the needs that we see, but must accept that there will always be unknowns.

 

[Au Naturel]

Hi! I am new to the forum and I’m just looking for supportI am a NT female that has been w a ND partner for 12 years. In May 2023 we had a couples counseling session and decided that we were going to start trying to have a baby in October 2023. Initially, he was hesitant because he was saying that he is not sure if it’s some thing that I wanted. Because about seven years ago, I wasn’t too keen on having kids. Fast forward to May 2023. He believes that you still don’t want to have kids. But eventually we’re talking with a therapist that councils people in neurodiverse relationships, we both agreed that we will start trying in October. He is always said ever since 10 years ago that he wanted to kids.

Anyway, we started trying in October and I got pregnant very quickly. One week ago, I told him that I am pregnant. And he responded with silence. I gave him 10 minutes to process and came back to him and asked him how he felt about it and he still responded with silence. I went to bed, not knowing his feelings on the situation. The next day he would talk to me about superficial topics, but when I brought up the pregnancy thing again, he again was silent. Two days later, he just stopped talking to me completely. I reached out to him on the fourth day ( after talking to the therapist,) and told him that we need to talk, and that we will have to have a discussion in five days.

So basically, I’m giving him about nine days just to process his feelings. I’m not calling him and I’m not texting him. I guess I’m just kind of confused because he has always talked about how he wanted kids. Yet now it seems like maybe he theoretically wanted kids, but now that it’s actually happening, he is panicking. I don’t think he’s the kind of person to completely abandon the relationship when there’s a kid. But I’m just a bit confused because we discussed this yet he’s acting like this is a huge surprise when it takes two to tango. I don’t get why he just didn’t say he didn’t want kids if it’s clearly something that causes him a ton of anxiety.

Anyway, any advice you guys have would be great

Back to couples counseling. He may say he wants kids because that's what he is supposed to say.

I told my wife I was going to retire, and she was okay with it, and then I retired, and she was all bent out of shape and said I just sprung it on her without any warning. I pointed out that I had discussed it with her. She replied, How was she supposed to know I actually meant it? She interpreted my factual statement, "I'm retiring." as just an idle fantasy and played along with it but she actually didn't want me to retire.

People often say what they think you want to hear because not causing waves is more important to them than speaking truth. That's a social thing.

When you say something, they will often reinterpret what you say in a way that will not cause waves, even if it changes the entire meaning of the conversation. That's a social thing too.

The strange thing is that they don't realize they are doing either one. They will defend their reinterpretation of what you said or insist that you shown have read the meaning between the lines of what they said.

 

[Alexej]

HI @Zde99i

Welcome to the Forums.
Congratulations on the pregnancy. Im sorry I cant shed any light on what might be going on, but I know there are others here who can chip in on that topic.

 

[tree]

 

[Zde99i]

HI @Zde99i

Welcome to the Forums.
Congratulations on the pregnancy. Im sorry I cant shed any light on what might be going on, but I know there are others here who can chip in on that topic.

thanks. I’m pretty excited about it

 

[Zde99i]

Back to couples counseling. He may say he wants kids because that's what he is supposed to say.

I told my wife I was going to retire, and she was okay with it, and then I retired, and she was all bent out of shape and said I just sprung it on her without any warning. I pointed out that I had discussed it with her. She replied, How was she supposed to know I actually meant it? She interpreted my factual statement, "I'm retiring." as just an idle fantasy and played along with it but she actually didn't want me to retire.

People often say what they think you want to hear because not causing waves is more important to them than speaking truth. That's a social thing.

When you say something, they will often reinterpret what you say in a way that will not cause waves, even if it changes the entire meaning of the conversation. That's a social thing too.

The strange thing is that they don't realize they are doing either one. They will defend their reinterpretation of what you said or insist that you shown have read the meaning between the lines of what they said.

Lol yup back to couples counseling. Yes I can see him getting very defensive and reinterpret our whole discussion actually. He is the king of defensiveness lol.

 

[Zde99i]

Hi there. I don't know the guy so couldn't possibly give you an explanation of how he feels. But hope this might help anyway.

I can tell you how I felt, which might give the idea that there are different angles, even if it's highly unlikely your partner is feeling the same way precisely.

I don't think I'd have much of an answer to "how do you feel about it?" because I don't really know how I feel about most things and I don't see it as particularly important to ponder how I may or may not feel when a little life is on the way and everything needs setting up. I think we (ASD) take our role in things very seriously and are much more prone to planning things out and less likely to just see how the chips fall. That means we assess our own ability to perform, and we can be harsh critics. Whereas other couple might coo "oh you'll be such a great dad. And you'll be such a great mum", I was already thinking through the things that needed doing and feeling aching chasms looming where I was unable to completely assure myself I was going to perform to the required level.

I guess that can feel like it's robbing the joy out of things, but there are advantages because you do get a partner who you can depend on a lot more, and believe me that's a pretty valuable thing when you've got little ones.

I guess I wanted to know how he felt about it because I wanted to know if he was in or out. Was he going to be there as a father or not. We are not married. And I don’t think he has any intention of proposing, even though we have talked about it before in the past. And I am not going to pressure him to get married. Like I wanted to know if he was even happy about it…

 

[Tom]

Hi and Welcome

 

[tazz]

Not sure I have anything useful to say except it seems like it's really early days and far too early to tell whether his reaction means he doesn't want kids particularly if he's ND. So don't panic - easier said than done of course.

And welcome.

 

[Shamar]

Hi! I am new to the forum and I’m just looking for supportI am a NT female that has been w a ND partner for 12 years. In May 2023 we had a couples counseling session and decided that we were going to start trying to have a baby in October 2023. Initially, he was hesitant because he was saying that he is not sure if it’s some thing that I wanted. Because about seven years ago, I wasn’t too keen on having kids. Fast forward to May 2023. He believes that you still don’t want to have kids. But eventually we’re talking with a therapist that councils people in neurodiverse relationships, we both agreed that we will start trying in October. He is always said ever since 10 years ago that he wanted to kids.

Anyway, we started trying in October and I got pregnant very quickly. One week ago, I told him that I am pregnant. And he responded with silence. I gave him 10 minutes to process and came back to him and asked him how he felt about it and he still responded with silence. I went to bed, not knowing his feelings on the situation. The next day he would talk to me about superficial topics, but when I brought up the pregnancy thing again, he again was silent. Two days later, he just stopped talking to me completely. I reached out to him on the fourth day ( after talking to the therapist,) and told him that we need to talk, and that we will have to have a discussion in five days.

So basically, I’m giving him about nine days just to process his feelings. I’m not calling him and I’m not texting him. I guess I’m just kind of confused because he has always talked about how he wanted kids. Yet now it seems like maybe he theoretically wanted kids, but now that it’s actually happening, he is panicking. I don’t think he’s the kind of person to completely abandon the relationship when there’s a kid. But I’m just a bit confused because we discussed this yet he’s acting like this is a huge surprise when it takes two to tango. I don’t get why he just didn’t say he didn’t want kids if it’s clearly something that causes him a ton of anxiety.

Anyway, any advice you guys have would be great

Crossbreed kind of hit on it. We NTs like routine, and change can be quite disturbing. While he said he wanted a child, he likely was thinking as an abstract possibility, a kind of fantasy (you seem to understand this). We often indulge in that kind of thing (or at least I do). Now, you are pregnant. It is no longer an abstraction, but reality. That hit him like a ton of bricks. It is not a matter of processing the information, it is a matter of coming to terms with a reality he never really expected. He realizes he is going to have to help take care of another human for the next 18 years, one totally helpless at first. That is scary, even panic inducing, for most men, even when they are looking forward to it. Where to go from here, I don't know. He is confused and internally conflicted. You are going to have to support him and help him resolve these things, not because you are pregnant, but because you are his partner. Be there for him, comfort him, support him. With care, he should come around. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Zde99i]

Not sure I have anything useful to say except it seems like it's really early days and far too early to tell whether his reaction means he doesn't want kids particularly if he's ND. So don't panic - easier said than done of course.

And welcome.

Oh thank you for saying that. If you don’t mind me asking…Is this a common occurrence among ND individuals? Having a reaction similar to this when faced with big life-changing news?

 

[Zde99i]

Oh thank you for saying that. If you don’t mind me asking…Is this a common occurrence among ND individuals? Having a reaction similar to this just because it is big news?

Crossbreed kind of hit on it. We NTs like routine, and change can be quite disturbing. While he said he wanted a child, he likely was thinking as an abstract possibility, a kind of fantasy (you seem to understand this). We often indulge in that kind of thing (or at least I do). Now, you are pregnant. It is no longer an abstraction, but reality. That hit him like a ton of bricks. It is not a matter of processing the information, it is a matter of coming to terms with a reality he never really expected. He realizes he is going to have to help take care of another human for the next 18 years, one totally helpless at first. That is scary, even panic inducing, for most men, even when they are looking forward to it. Where to go from here, I don't know. He is confused and internally conflicted. You are going to have to support him and help him resolve these things, not because you are pregnant, but because you are his partner. Be there for him, comfort him, support him. With care, he should come around. I wish you the best of luck.

aw what great advice Shamar! Do you have any advice on how to get him to talk? I’m going to have a conversation with him in two days. My approach was going to be to tell him how I am excited and I think that he’s going to be a great dad. But that I am feeling a little bit abandoned and losing confidence that we are going to be doing this together because I haven’t gotten any answers. I was going to tell him that I think he’s a great person and I know that he is not trying to hurt me. But I would just like to know how he feels about the entire situation. Do you want to stay together and help me raise this child?

What do you think of this approach?

 

[tazz]

Oh thank you for saying that. If you don’t mind me asking…Is this a common occurrence among ND individuals? Having a reaction similar to this when faced with big life-changing news?

Well, I'm aware that when things are overwhelming, it can result in a kind of shutdown. I've experienced that and I think it's fairly common in response to sensory stimulation like light, sound, socialising. I don't know if it's common in terms of life-changing news but I wouldn't be surprised. NDs sometimes have trouble expressing their feelings - so maybe the news is provoking a lot of feelings which could be too difficult to express and/or overwhelming.

Although there are some common threads, everyone experiences autism/neurodiversity in their own way.

 

[tazz]

Do you have any advice on how to get him to talk?

You might want to look up selective mutism. Not so much now, but when I was younger I experienced episodes where the situation was so overwhelming I just couldn't speak. I don't think anyone could get me to talk in those instances. Not saying that's what's happening to your partner but worth considering.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome. Hopefully you can find the support you are looking for here.

It doesn't make sense to me to think of giving someone time in terms of a finite number of days. Why do you say 9 days?

 

[Zde99i]

Well, I'm aware that when things are overwhelming, it can result in a kind of shutdown. I've experienced that and I think it's fairly common in response to sensory stimulation like light, sound, socialising. I don't know if it's common in terms of life-changing news but I wouldn't be surprised. NDs sometimes have trouble expressing their feelings - so maybe the news is provoking a lot of feelings which could be too difficult to express and/or overwhelming.

Although there are some common threads, everyone experiences autism/neurodiversity in their own way.

Thanks for your explanation. Sometimes it’s hard to

Hello and welcome. Hopefully you can find the support you are looking for here.

It doesn't make sense to me to think of giving someone time in terms of a finite number of days. Why do you say 9 days?

only because that is when he has his next day off of work. I spoke to my therapist (who also was our couples therapist) and she recommended I do it on his next day off after giving him some time to process. If I talk to him on a day when he has just gotten off of work, he may be a bit too overwhelmed.

 

[Rodafina]

only because that is when he has his next day off of work. I spoke to my therapist (who also was our couples therapist) and she recommended I do it on his next day off after giving him some time to process. If I talk to him on a day when he has just gotten off of work, he may be a bit too overwhelmed.

I understand now. Makes sense.