Part of executive dysfunction is low self-esteem. If someone has a hard time getting their body to do what they want it to, and have a hard time managing the details of living a life, it can make us feel ineffective.
We all have value. It is our neurology that makes us amazing in our passions, incredible in our hyperfocus, and so gifted in many ways. Our neurology is also what makes it hard to follow our day, or to understand what comes next in a sequence of tasks we must do.
DDS really does have agencies who help us manage our lives better. I did have to wait a few months after I sent the application in to get a caseworker. The cool thing is that DDS caseworkers really want to help us feel competent, safe, and well in our world.
Thank you for writing such lovely words. I also think you put things clearly and it helps me understand myself but I still feel bad. Yesterday was awful, trying to get to the doctor and managing the process on my own. I felt .. I was shaking the whole time I was in the office.
My girlfriend offered many times to take off work and go with me but I couldn't have her do that again. She has to make up the work and it makes her so tired and all that just because I can't take care of myself. I told myself that no matter what I wouldn't make her miss work again.
Being at the clinic felt like .. it felt like too many things to describe but I just kept moving forward and hoping. The staff is very nice and very good, so that helps. But I didn't understand what was going on and what decisions were being made.
As I mentioned in previous post I have bookmarked that site. I am encouraged about what you said, that they want you to feel competent safe and well. I am so embarrassed by who I really am that I think I am not ready to face seeing counselors yet. I thought I was but as it seems more real I think about being in a room with some one and having to tell them the real truth about me.
Like many aspies, I lie everyday. I think I am good at it but I don't really know. I am good at so many things but not the things you do in public. The grocery store must be the scariest place for aspies. The bank doesn't make any sense to me and I know I am on video camera so I try not to look nervous because I don't want them to think I am up to something bad. Then I wonder if that makes me look more nervous.
The awful trick I've used for years is to act angry. Just be angry and say angry things and it kind keeps a momentum going. Being mean or complaining about something seems so acceptable in public but I get the funniest looks if I am myself and tell the person I do not understand what they told me to do, that I need help. They get along better with angry. When I am myself, there is really very little that gets me angry.
Angry makes you seem strong. Being honest seems to make people think I am crazy or stupid. Sometimes they are mean. I have said, "I don't understand." and they have been sarcastic and said, "What part don't you understand?" they say it in the meanest way. So instead I pretend I understand and walk away knowing nothing or I act angry and then they seem to be able to understand that.
I wonder if many aspies do this. Try telling a bus driver you don't know how to know when it will be your stop. You can't. I have to pretend the whole time I am on the bus I know what I am doing and it's no big deal but I have almost no idea especially when the bus turns a corner.
I keep writing posts that are too long but you seem to understand so finally I am talking about what it's really like.
I remember how exciting it was to learn about metal migration failure in digital circuits. In a few weeks my new person checks will arrive and I will have to remember how to write one. I admit I can't remember if cyanoacrylite goes from polymer to monomer but at least I know what those states are. I do not know why the waitress at a restaurant got upset with me when she asked me if everything was alright and I told her the french fries were bad. I would not have brought it up but I thought it was rude to ignore her question.
I am a freak but I may have to start feeling pride about it because I know too many good people who are aspies and my girlfriend is very smart and won't suffer fools for a second and, she really really likes me. So maybe I've got to figure some things out and be okay with being me.
Thank you again for finding the DDS in my area for me. That was work you did not have to do. I think that is very kind. I think when I am ready, it could help me a lot.