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Haven't been doing so well

Starflowerpower87

Starflowerpower87

Well-Known Member
I haven't been my self. I have no motivation for anything. I'm on a program called indipendant living support. It's where a worker helps you cook and clean and run errands. They pay your rent and help with paperwork. This program has a lot of benefits but I think it's wearing me down. All I want to do lately is walk back and forth to my music. I do this for hours. But it's depressing me and yet it's all I want to do anymore. I had a medication adjustment and it helped for a few days but not any more. At the same time I don't do good on the weekends without a worker due to lonelyness and lack of transportation. Can't live with em can't live without em. I can't quit the program because they pay my rent and I'm not fit for work. I dunno maybe I could get my hours cut back. I hope that would be allowed. Not sure if that's what I even want. I just don't know anymore. I've been so depressed. Spending way too much time at home. And I have no motivation to do housework and my apartment is getting cruddy. I know my worker has to help but I'd rather do it myself if only I had the motivation. That way it's done the way I want.

I have fantasies of running away and becoming homeless and just letting my craziness take over. I have been putting on a charade that I'm okay to make people happy even though I'm not. I don't know what would make it better. Pills can only do so much. And I've had bad luck with therapy. I have a dream where someone could let me live with them and feed me two meals a day and not expect anything from me. Then I could sketch all day in my room and not be bothered. That's the only thing that would make me happy but it's not reality. I wish I had never moved out of my parents place. But I was talking to mom about it and she doesn't want me back. Sorry for the long post just had to go on a bit of a rant.
 
Starflowerpower87 said:
I have fantasies of running away and becoming homeless and just letting my craziness take over.
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I just want to say never do that. No matter how bad you feel now, running away and becoming homeless will be even worse. You will be a target and not get a moments peace. Very dangerous and terrible.
 
Yes, living on the street is the quickest way to have everything unimaginable happen to you. Perhaps some new hobby to bring you some joy? Are you allowed to have a cat? Are you getting enough vitamin D? Do you go out for sunshine? I hate cleaning, so l break it down into units, to make it easier.
 
Aspychata said:
Yes, living on the street is the quickest way to have everything unimaginable happen to you. Perhaps some new hobby to bring you some joy? Are you allowed to have a cat? Are you getting enough vitamin D? Do you go out for sunshine? I hate cleaning, so l break it down into units, to make it easier.
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Good to know someone else hates it too.
 
I have only read statistics, l have always worked, even though some jobs were horrid. But l hope you find a hobby that would give you joy to wake up. Can you get an electronic piano? You said you loved music.:)
 
You may need another medication change also. It does happen. This medication maybe making you depressed. That can happen.
 
Aspychata said:
I have only read statistics, l have always worked, even though some jobs were horrid. But l hope you find a hobby that would give you joy to wake up. Can you get an electronic piano? You said you loved music.:)
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That's a good idea. My mom said she'd let me borrow her guitar when she gets new strings for it. Also you may be right I think this medication is depressing me a bit.
 
Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a group home. I have been so overwhelmed by life lately. But then I think if I lived in a group home it would be hard to have no privacy except in my small room.
 
True, but you may get better at life skills, because you may get more hands-on, and more comfortable and less stress. Do you think you are ready for that?
 
It's okay. It's just something to think about. Can your mom research a living program where they help you with feeling more independent?
 
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Starflowerpower87 said:
Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a group home. I have been so overwhelmed by life lately. But then I think if I lived in a group home it would be hard to have no privacy except in my small room.
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Unless you are seriously incapable of independent living you do not want to live in a group home.

They will not permit you to stay in your room all day. They will insist you get up at a certain hour, take a shower, go to a day program or to work. You must have a “meaningful daytime activity.” Oh, and most group homes insist you have at least one roommate, so no privacy even in your own room.

It sounds to me like you are considering some extreme solutions to your current problems. I do this too, which is why I recognize it. Or not, I could be way off base.

Definitely check with whoever prescribes your meds. They may need another adjustment.

Also, think about this: you say you want to be left alone to sketch. But you are left alone on weekends. What is keeping you from sketching then?
 
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WhitewaterWoman said:
Unless you are seriously incapable of independent living you do not want to live in a group home.

They will not permit you to stay in your room all day. They will insist you get up at a certain hour, take a shower, go to a day program or to work. You must have a “meaningful daytime activity.” Oh, and most group homes insist you have at least one roommate, so no privacy even in your own room.

It sounds to me like you are considering some extreme solutions to your current problems. I do this too, which is why I recognize it. Or not, I could be way off base.

Definitely check with whoever prescribes your meds. They may need another adjustment.

Also, think about this: you say you want to be left alone to sketch. But you are left alone on weekends. What is keeping you from sketching then?
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I’m not sure why I don’t sketch on the weekends. I haven’t sketched for a long time. Maybe I’ll try this weekend if I have time. Also journaling is something I like.
 
Yeah it definitely could be the meds making me depressed. More specifically clonazepam. I think I spelled that drug right. I hate experimenting with new meds though. Always scared to start a new one because of side effects. I’ll talk this over with the person that gives me my depo. Maybe he can make me less scared.
 
You have fantasies about being homeless? i have fantasies about having some money to live and not torture my head with what i am going to eat etc in the future. I have hopes things could get better and find a job but i can't try to work in my current condition.
 
Clonazepam shouldn't be taken for more than a few days, believe me you don't want to get addicted, and this is very addictive drug, also it could mean great harm, quitting these drugs suddenly.

If i were you i would try to quit clonazepam, slowly with doctor help maybe.

This drugs in the long run harms your intellect and even disgestive system etc, and it could be a nightmare to stop, the hospital i go banned the 'pam' drugs altogether. After seeing maybe how harmful they can be.
 
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