Do You Have Empathy?

[Antonio]

One of the traits of aspergers is supposed to be a lack of empathy. But I sympathize and empathize with people often.

Most people are so different from me that maybe I can't understand why they would be hurting in a particular situation. Maybe that's what they mean by lack of empathy?

Do you lack empathy?

 

[Ereth]

I've been told I have a ton of empathy . . . sometimes maybe too much. So I think the notion that one of the traits of Asperger's being a lack of empathy is BS. Having difficulty socializing is different from having no empathy.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Most people are so different from me that maybe I can't understand why they would be hurting in a particular situation. Maybe that's what they mean by lack of empathy?

Probably that's one of the main reasons they say that.
Also, we usually don't show empathy in the same ways.

Sometimes I get so filled with empathy for someone, or for a group of people that it dominates all my thoughts. I've noticed that same tendency in some others with ASD.
I think that some of us have more, some have less empathy, that it depends on the individual. Just as some NTs have more and some have less empathy, depending on the individual.
It may be possible that when an NT has little empathy, people think well, that's just him. They see it as an individual trait. But if someone who happens to be ASD has little empathy, people assume it's because of his ASD. They assume "Oh, they are all like that." Which is mistaken.

But many of the persons I've known with AS have powerful empathy. We just express it differently. Sometimes we leave the person alone because we think that is what they need. But meanwhile that person thinks we are leaving them alone because we don't care. Sometimes we leave the person alone because when we tried to actively comfort people in the past,it went badly.

And sometimes we don't realize the other person is hurting in a particular situation because in that situation we wouldn't be hurting. Because we are different. NTs sometimes make this same kind of mistake, as well. They are not always socially perfect either! But if an NT makes a social mistake, people don't blame NTness. If an Aspie makes the same mistake, people assume it's because of ASD.

 

[Ereth]

Probably that's one of the main reasons they say that.
Also, we usually don't show empathy in the same ways.

Sometimes I get so filled with empathy for someone, or for a group of people that it dominates all my thoughts. I've noticed that same tendency in some others with ASD.

This right here is my life.

But if an NT makes a social mistake, people don't blame NTness. If an Aspie makes the same mistake, people assume it's because of ASD.

That's because being neurotypical is "normal." It's not not defined by that label of ASD. And to be fair, Aspies can and do make social faux pas because of their ASD. I'm not saying that 100% of them are due to being on the spectrum (far from it), but having a lack of a "filter" plays a pretty big role in many of these missteps.

 

[Ereth]

Darn it. I meant to say "It's not defined by that label . . ." No double negatives here, people. But I have to make this extra post because I can't edit existing posts. I blame my computer for messing me up because it is old and the mouse isn't working quite right anymore. It likes to highlight things even when I don't want to. :sticky_evil:

 

[tree]

It's pretty easy to empathize with animals. The non-human kind. Easy to identify with them. For me, anyway.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I'd say I have a fair amount of empathy, though I do have a tendency to be self-centered. In my experience, it's been the NT's that lack empathy. People on the spectrum don't go around bullying people to the point of suicide and then post afterwards, "XXX killed themselves and I don't give a #$&%." People on the spectrum don't go out of their way to deliberately hurt someone and then laugh about it. But we're the ones without empathy. Go figure.

 

[Madame Catfish]

Same Here! Don't understand why, but my day can be ruined by the simple "tragedy" of my stepping on a snail and ending it's life, while hearing about someone's grandparent dying doesn't phase me. I think it's kind of wrong and I don't know why I feel this way.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm under the impression my emotional spectrum is limited, and empathy in general is absent. That being said; I do agree with Spinning Compass in that I don't tend to go bully people for showing of how much I don't care about something. I'm indifferent about a lot of things (if not all)... especially if they're not things that affect me personally.

For an indication of my limited emotional spectrum; the last time I actually cried is about 4 years ago (and it was because it affected me personally)... deaths of family members don't seem to faze me at all. I often think that the way I express myself towards certain situations, has little to do with being emotional (or emphatic for that matter), but has more to do with my personal form of "common sense". I don't get emotionally involved over, say... animal cruelty. But it still feels pointless and that's what I will address.

Perhaps it's good to be as limited as I am... I don't know if I would really want all this feeling on top of what I have now. Even the small amounts of feeling I have now, annoy me at times.

 

[Soup]

The odd time I get a feeling, it can be irritating: like a tag in the back of the neck of a top or sewn into the side-seam. AAUUGGHH! As for empathy, I feel it mostly towards the 4 legged & furry, the feathered & flighted or the gilled and scaled.

 

[Dustman319]

I have empathy for those who have cared about me & not crapped on me. My thing is I don't cry, but I do care. It hit me hard when my grandpa(dad's side) died in 2000 because he & my grandma made sure when i was a kid I had breakfast before school, let me have ice cream when I saw them in the afternoon,(they lived only a few blocks from my house) got me X-Mas presents, gave me money so I could rent video games & bought me a used Game Boy.

When my mom left my dad when I was 16. It hit me hard & I cried. Four years later, when I realized she only cared about herself & left me again, let's just say I don't care what she's doing right now.

So, in other words, treat me like a human being, I show empathy for you when something bad happens in your life. Treat me like I'm sub-human,(i.e. be abusive) I don't care anymore.

 

[myk384]

I do show my empathy to people who deserve mine and treat me well. Those who treat me crap do not deserve my time.

 

[Axeman52]

I don't generally have a lot of empathy for people. I think it's there but i just don't notice it or react to it, if that makes sense. I'm honestly the worst person to go to if you need cheering up about anything. when people come to me with their problems all they get is a load of silly nonsense from me, because despite how i can reflect upon my actions in hindsight and notice that i didn't handle the situation very well, at the time i just don't know what else to do other than to try to make them laugh to try to cheer them up because that's usually what makes me feel better when i feel bad about things.

 

[tryingtoregister]

I feel like my empathy can oftentimes be misplaced.. that is I feel bad for someone when they don't necessarily feel bad for themselves and nothing registers when someone is feeling bad about something. I usually just offer something to try to fix the problem too, when a lot of times people just want to be heard.. I realize it later but in the moment I just think "hey they are feeling bad, what can I do to make it better?" even if there really isn't anything I could or should do.

 

[Jeff]

Re: Do You Have Empathy? yes

Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of others

I think the supposed lack of empathy comes from my misunderstanding of the things normal people might care about.
It's both ways. Maybe they can't understand or experience my emotions, and I can't theirs.
Maybe aspies are looked down upon for not understanding normals, but when the normals can't understand us... that is our fault too... Simply because we are the minority.
I think that is where the 'lack of empathy' bs comes from.

Apart from that, I have a huge amount of empathy for people who have similar experiences and problems to as I do.

 

[Ereth]

Re: Do You Have Empathy? yes

While I don't like labeling people as "autistic vs. normal" (I find it too divisive for my taste; we have enough problems in the world that are exacerbated by labels), I understand why some of us do it. But I think mutual understanding is more likely to occur when we don't point fingers at each other and say, "You don't understand!"

I'm reminded of a funny wall hanging in my kitchen that was a present to my father from one of his sisters. It reads:

"Why is it that when I don't understand, I'm not listening, but when you don't understand, I'm not communicating?"

It's been around for as long as I can remember (and thus prior to my diagnosis) but it resonates with me even more now that I know I'm on the spectrum. It reflects the need for better communication between people on the spectrum and people who aren't. We're still all human beings, no matter what labels we might stick on ourselves.

 

[anne.bc]

Re: Do You Have Empathy? yes

Sometimes I have too much empathy. Like other peoples' problems will bother me until they get resolved. A friend of mine lived with a friend of his from college, and the friend suddenly committed suicide. My friend was doing well but I was still obviously concerned because he just so happened to find his body... that's PTSD right there. I've worried about him ever since. And now he's getting counseling, which is good.

That family... my heart aches for them.... no note or anything. I heard that there were speculations that he skipped a dose of anti depressants. I know from experience that they can AT LEAST cause suicidal thoughts. I fought them, obviously. I never want to be on that crap again....

 

[SUM1]

One of the traits of aspergers is supposed to be a lack of empathy. But I sympathize and empathize with people often.

Most people are so different from me that maybe I can't understand why they would be hurting in a particular situation. Maybe that's what they mean by lack of empathy?

Do you lack empathy?

I lack empathy. Almost completely. I'm never upset by sad news stories of people dying. I can't sympathise with others if they're upset (well, 80% of the time anyway). The only time I'm upset by a news story is if it's a band that I've known for a long time that's splitting up, or a company revamping or going bankrupt. I strongly believe it's due to the Aspie "change" issue, where they have trouble with change.

Oh yeah and I do feel empathy for people who have similar mental struggles to mine (such as one of my friends who likely has bipolar and gets bullied a lot at school like me) or similar problems in general sometimes.

 

[Jeff]

I lack empathy. Almost completely. I'm never upset by sad news stories of people dying.

Should we be? People die all constantly. I don't think we or anyone else should be expected to care about everyone. I think it's perfectly natural to care about people you have a close emotional connection to, or people you can identify with.

I can't sympathise with others if they're upset (well, 80% of the time anyway).

Maybe their concerns are only legitimate 20% of the time? We can't be expected to care about all the stupid crap people get sad about.

Personally I don't care about most people in society. I don't identify with it, and want nothing to do with it even if I can't make that choice. Of course this is just my emotional reaction to being an outcast and treated like a piece of ****. But I do wish to have people to care about, maybe one day.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Same Here! Don't understand why, but my day can be ruined by the simple "tragedy" of my stepping on a snail and ending it's life, while hearing about someone's grandparent dying doesn't phase me. I think it's kind of wrong and I don't know why I feel this way.

That might not be as messed up as you think. Let me explain. Part of the reason could be that when you step on the snail, that is a very real and concrete experience that happened right in front of you, right under your feet. But hearing about something, even about someone dying, is not so immediate, it almost feels abstract. If you were right there when somebody died, that might be different. Unless the experience was so overwhelming that all you felt was numbness.