Being Extremely Knowledgeable

[Dwoops]

I am curious if other people have trouble with something that I do and what they do to deal with it.

So the root of my problem is that I like to know things, whenever I do things I try to be as efficient as possible, I try to understand it and use this knowledge to my advantage. This particular trait of mine has gotten me into a lot of social trouble. The main subsets of this problem are correction, intimidation, and perception.
By correction I mean that I struggle with letting people be wrong. When someone does something wrong or if there is potentially a better way, I always want to help them. I have good intentions, but I find that people would rather do things wrong/inefficient rather than learning a better way. I am getting better at this, albeit slowly.

Next: Intimidation, I feel like when I have a lot of knowledge about something I might come off as intimidating. I have a 4.0 GPA and I'm in my second year of college, I have the reputation among my acquaintances(I hesitate to call them friends) as being the smart know it all. I feel like this makes it even harder for me to communicate with them because I do know all this stuff that can be applied to the situations, paired with the correction problem mentioned previously, this has caused some serious social issues.

Lastly is Perception, I worry about how people perceive me. As stated earlier I like to be knowledgeable, I have a rule that if I don't know something I won't say it. Because of this I tend to do research and learn all the material I can. The problem comes from when I try to "relate" with others, I join in a hobby or game that they like to play and I quickly become far better than them at the task. Then comes the problem where(in the case of a game) I win 90% of the time (which isn't fun for either side). Because of this I fear how I am perceived by my peer in this regard and I think that they start to leave me out of things.

As to this last one, something you might say is that I just should "go easy" or I shouldn't try as hard. For the going easy, I always am lenient, I hate being that rule stickler, but I cannot purposefully sabotage myself, it feels like lying and I can't do that. For the not trying as hard, it is tough but I have managed it on a few occasions and have had little success because I have a very logical and tactful mind which helps me improvise strategy and plan out solutions. Along with these problems I notice that my peers will often team up against me or target me because they think I am better than them at a specific task, and while this makes sense logically it makes me frustrated for some reason.

Anyways, I realize I kind of went off topic so I'll summarize my question earlier, what social problems have you gotten into because you are extremely knowledgeable about something and what do to fit in better.
Thanks in advance.

 

[LogicalMind]

INTJ? I am similar

 

[Progster]

The problem comes from when I try to "relate" with others, I join in a hobby or game that they like to play and I quickly become far better than them at the task. Then comes the problem where(in the case of a game) I win 90% of the time (which isn't fun for either side). Because of this I fear how I am perceived by my peer in this regard and I think that they start to leave me out of things.

Yes, I can relate to this. I quite like to play some kinds of board game, like Scrabble for example, but others don't want to play with me. Also, I want to play by the rules, and they resent it when I insist that I'm right about something, because that's the rule. Also, family members think I have a photographic memory because I can memorize answers to quizzes easily, and they don't want to play because of this.

 

[Gritches]

Overall, I'll tell you what I tell a lot of Aspies: if you want to make social progress, understand and make peace with the fact that NT communication is a rat's nest of lies. I say this because a line in there caught my attention, that losing on purpose would feel like lying and you can't do that.

The whole winning thing is tough. Some people are winners. They win things. You sound like a winner. But more on that below. It's good you've identified those three aspects, let me address them all individually in the context of what I'm getting at with the "rat's nest of lies".

Correction: A big thing here is realizing that the need to be correct is a selfish tendency. NTs don't give one single damn if they're actually right, they care if they feel like they're right. When an NT says something, it's rarely to communicate information as we do, and when it is for informational purposes only it's easy to respond to. No, usually when an NT says something, they're seeking validation.

When an NT says something, they're basically saying "you had better agree with me and tell me I'm right. My fragile sense of self-esteem and my uncertain self-image need to be reassured so that I'm more certain about the world and my place in it. So, you had better give me that, even if you have to lie to me." If you don't give that to them, you're a threat to their ego and they'll feel like they're under attack.

So, you're doing them a kindness by lying to them, and you're essentially attacking the very core of their being by correcting them. People are fragile - so if you want them to like you because you're doing the socially correct thing to do, agree with Stephanie that tomatoes are a vegetable, or at the very least don't challenge her on it. She does not care about actually being right, she cares about feeling like she's right. Instead, ask her whether she therefore considers ketchup to be a fruit or a vegetable. Make a game of talking to less well-informed people, like using a laser pointer to screw with a cat.

Intimidation: This is, again, a fragile-ego thing. It helps to picture humans as cavemen or perhaps as a pack of wolves (or whatever, pick your social animal). If you demonstrate your superiority as a specimen, even in a fair contest, it will be seen as a challenge to the status quo. The others (other males, particularly) will see this challenge as a threat to their place on the social totem pole and will find it necessary to either cut you down or shun you to keep you from rising above them in the social hierarchy.

This proverbial pissing-match is exactly why I can't live with or be friends with other men (NT men, actually. Aspies don't seem to do this).

Perception: The specific example you cite is a dominance issue. If you're not the alpha male of the social group, it's incongruous for you to be winning contests of skill and wit. The contests themselves don't determine who the alpha is, other dominance-based social behaviors do that, but rather they're meant to serve to reinforce the alpha's place in the same way that play-fighting does for many social animal species. The alpha displays dominant behavior in these play-fights, whereas the betas willingly show submissive behaviors.

That's why it surprises people when the loudest, most obnoxious male (usually) isn't the smartest or the best at games. When that happens, people deal with the surprise by shunning or otherwise destroying the source of this disruption to the expected social equilibrium (see: cognitive dissonance and the reduction thereof).

As for what to do? The ideal solution for someone who can't just not win is to become the alpha-male of the social group, thus establishing an equilibrium where the alpha is also the superior specimen. You do that, and you'll start to gather loyal followers, but it's not often possible to just become the alpha since it would require a great deal of social disruption to depose the incumbent alpha-male.

No, in your situation, your best bet is to keep winning how you are but make sure the egos of the other members of the group are satisfied in other areas. If John's at least thinks he's a great chef, ask him to make some food for the group and tell him the food was better than it actually was. If Tom at least thinks he knows a lot about cars, complain about a noise your car isn't actually making and ask Tom to take a look under the hood. That way, you can keep winning, but "John and Tom are good at other stuff, though/too".

Like I say, a rat's nest of lies based on the fact that humans are NOT innately democratic. But don't think about the whats in a social situation; rather it's better to ask the why questions with the understanding the NTs are almost always seeking validation of themselves. A lie to make another person feel good about themselves is an act of kindness. A lie to con someone out of their rent money is the type of lie good people have been taught never to tell. That's the difference.

 

[Suzanne]

I also relate to quite a bit of what you say and just recently, someone said: if you want to know anything that is going on in the world, go to Suzanne and guess what, you won't need to research yourself. But the person said it with a huge grin, so I know they were not having a go at me.

I recently had my gallbladder removed. Now, I did not know what it was at first. I had a vague idea that there is something called: gallstones, but that was about it. By the time I came out of hospital, I know all there is to know about gallbladders. In fact, within 2 minutes of being told that it needed removing, I knew all about it and did not wish to be operated on, because of what I found out and the surgeon got a photo copy of the gallbladder, stomach and liver and I had told myself to not interrupt and just let him carry on and I succeeded, but my husband said that the surgeon realised fast that I was not ignorant.

I do this with everything and I often am better at another, who already knew what ever the subject.

It is VERY difficult to not correct wrong understandings and I admit to getting heated with ones who refuse to take on board another option.

As for games: I am not good at them, because I fear looking stupid and not at all competitive and thus, often have lost, but who enjoys losing? Lol

One terrible drawback is fearing not being successful and so, give up even before I have given it a try! I am a deep frustration to my husband, because I have the ability to be a big wage earner, but fear stops me often and a sense of fighting against a tide.

Fairly recently, I discovered that I am fantastic at accounts and this is from someone who is completely a dunce with mathmatics; but I understand the workings of accounts and thus, have got my husband and I, on an even balance and would love to help others get themselves out of a tight fix.

 

[Flammie91]

Its a social dominance thing, a lot of people look at socializing as about making it to the top of the pyramid rather than sharing knowledge, being agreeable and having fun, people have criticized me in the past for being a 'know it all' or having a 'fresh mouth', but notice how these same individuals have no problem often times telling others how it is, how things work, etc. They just want to rearrange the pecking order, not sure why they'd feel it necessary to do these types of things to autists though, usually we're on the bottom of the social ladder anyways, and its pretty much understood. Ive had a similar type of experience since I started becoming active and im in better shape, I find some people are absolutely horrible to me now, and theyre accusing me of having an eating disorder even though the disorder I had was taken care of long ago, I had bulimia. Ive even had a couple people threaten me with physical retaliation when we got into an arguement. Also Im really into visual arts and people have told me Im quite gifted at it, but if I meet someone with the same interests and they perceive my work to be better than theirs or I criticize an aspect of their work, or Im even so much as indifferent to it, they hold a massive grudge against me and pretty much cut off contact with me. Why cant these people be happy with the fact they have social lives and careers, and relationships? I have none of that.. People just want it all my friend..

 

[Bolletje]

I have taught myself to keep a lot of my knowledge to myself, unless people explicitly ask for my opinion on a subject.
It's a little different in the workplace: when a coworker struggles on a subject I don't automatically offer to help, because I don't want to come off as condescending. If a coworker asks for my help I try to downplay it a little, so instead of telling them "x is wrong, but I know for a fact y is right" I'll say something along the lines of "I seem to recall something about y being the right answer, maybe you could check that out". This way my coworkers feel like I'm helpful but not smug about what I know.

The exception is with my supervisors, I don't downplay my knowledge there as that would be harming my own career opportunities.

 

[Judge]

Clearly I believe it's one of the more common traits of being on the spectrum. At least for those of us who "intellectually shine" on various subjects. Always a challenge both in terms of what you say, how you say it and perhaps most of all, to whom you are addressing at the time.

Simply put, it brings into play that saying: "Familiarity breeds contempt." That with those you know the most, may be the least interested in hearing what you have to say period, let alone how intricate in detail you are prepared to go to make a point. Like those closest related to me by blood. Though admittedly work can put a real "spin" on it all.

Sure, "guilty as charged". But the difficult part is always the same. Knowing how far to go under individual circumstances.

Perhaps Dr. Asperger did us an injustice referring to us as "little professors". Yet lol...that's one point that I am not prepared to argue over. Besides in such an inherently competitive society we didn't create, while such a trait may not serve us socially, it may often enhance our lives economically and professionally. A trade-off I for one, am willing to accept.

 

[the_tortoise]

I have good intentions, but I find that people would rather do things wrong/inefficient rather than learning a better way.

What is better/more efficient for you might actually be worse/less efficient for someone else.....what is best/most efficient actually varies from person to person in many cases, depending on their particular strengths/weaknesses and cognitive style (and possibly other contextual things that are less about them and more about their circumstances...depends on the specifics).

There is also more to a task, for some people, than efficiency. It may be that their values and priorities are different from yours -- they may value sameness/consistency, or taking things slowly, or may derive a lot of joy from a particular methodology that they cannot get from others.

Not sure if this helps you, just thought I'd put it out there in case it lessens your frustration and makes it easier for you to let others do things in their own way.

 

[Tom]

One suggestion is to keep the learning/knowledge area separate from the social and general life area.

 

[Chance]

I am curious if other people have trouble with something that I do and what they do to deal with it.

So the root of my problem is that I like to know things, whenever I do things I try to be as efficient as possible, I try to understand it and use this knowledge to my advantage. This particular trait of mine has gotten me into a lot of social trouble. The main subsets of this problem are correction, intimidation, and perception.
By correction I mean that I struggle with letting people be wrong. When someone does something wrong or if there is potentially a better way, I always want to help them. I have good intentions, but I find that people would rather do things wrong/inefficient rather than learning a better way. I am getting better at this, albeit slowly.

Next: Intimidation, I feel like when I have a lot of knowledge about something I might come off as intimidating. I have a 4.0 GPA and I'm in my second year of college, I have the reputation among my acquaintances(I hesitate to call them friends) as being the smart know it all. I feel like this makes it even harder for me to communicate with them because I do know all this stuff that can be applied to the situations, paired with the correction problem mentioned previously, this has caused some serious social issues.

Lastly is Perception, I worry about how people perceive me. As stated earlier I like to be knowledgeable, I have a rule that if I don't know something I won't say it. Because of this I tend to do research and learn all the material I can. The problem comes from when I try to "relate" with others, I join in a hobby or game that they like to play and I quickly become far better than them at the task. Then comes the problem where(in the case of a game) I win 90% of the time (which isn't fun for either side). Because of this I fear how I am perceived by my peer in this regard and I think that they start to leave me out of things.

As to this last one, something you might say is that I just should "go easy" or I shouldn't try as hard. For the going easy, I always am lenient, I hate being that rule stickler, but I cannot purposefully sabotage myself, it feels like lying and I can't do that. For the not trying as hard, it is tough but I have managed it on a few occasions and have had little success because I have a very logical and tactful mind which helps me improvise strategy and plan out solutions. Along with these problems I notice that my peers will often team up against me or target me because they think I am better than them at a specific task, and while this makes sense logically it makes me frustrated for some reason.

Anyways, I realize I kind of went off topic so I'll summarize my question earlier, what social problems have you gotten into because you are extremely knowledgeable about something and what do to fit in better.
Thanks in advance.

I too try to be as efficient as possible. I always do my very best when I am working on anything. I take care of my stuff, I pay my bills on time, I am very clean, my home is clean, my vehicles are usually clean... (Except right now...) I'm going mad because the weather has been horrible and its a whopping 15F degrees outside with a wind chill of -4 and snowing sideways... ug )

People tend to make fun of me for doing my best??? I have offended people just for out working them, only to have them tell me I make them look bad??? Really... I'm supposed to become less so they don't fell like a POS.

I just try and not say much and continue on being me. Its who I am and I'm not here to worry about who others are not... Hard lessons learned but its better than trying to fit into a world I have never fit in at all. : )

 

[Judge]

People tend to make fun of me for doing my best??? I have offended people just for out working them, only to have them tell me I make them look bad??? Really... I'm supposed to become less so they don't fell like a POS.

I know the feeling. Reminds me of my NT cousin who prefers to label me as an "anal-retentive" rather than to simply admit that I am neat and efficient. I can only suspect that it is she who is actually unhappy with herself so she takes it out on me instead of working to improve herself.

 

[Chance]

I know the feeling. Reminds me of my NT cousin who prefers to label me as an "anal-retentive" rather than to simply admit that I am neat and efficient. I can only suspect that it is she who is actually unhappy with herself so she takes it out on me instead of working to improve herself.

Exactly... Why do people put us down as we try to do good with our lives and not be a burden on others... and yet we are "offensive" in some twisted aspect of a life I simply cant figure out.

 

[Dwoops]

Thank you all for your replies, you have given me a few things to think on. It has been challenging for me recently because I have never tried to have a social life before. The past year and half have showed me my weaknesses in social situations, which ultimately led me here. This isn't the sort of thing I can pick up in a few days like I usually do.
To clarify something I said earlier, when I said that I don't understand why people don't want to learn a more efficient/better way to do things, I was more emphasizing things such as strategy games where it is obvious when one choice is better than another.
Also this whole social dominance/pyramid thing everyone is talking about is completely new to me, so if anyone has good resources too look into, it would be appreciated. From the sound of it, it seems kind of stupid, I thought the point of a social group was to have a group for everyone to participate equally. I guess this would probably explain why I am left out of most everything with the few social groups I do interact with, I am unknowingly at the bottom and have never realized it.
As for keeping my knowledge to myself, it is something I have been trying to do more often, but part of the trouble comes from my lack of understanding social situations and lack of experience in them. What I mean by this is that I struggle so much with creating/maintaining conversation that I generally talk about things I know, which is why I like to learn a lot.
Here is an example, my friend talked about a game he plays called League of Legends, in order to try to be more sociable I set upon learning the game, its mechanics, and strategy. I quickly become adept at the game and have a lot of knowledge to share. So now I have fuel for conversation and a topic we can both discuss, I thought the problem was solved. I was terribly wrong, instead I get the vague impression that I was out of place when talking about the game with him. It was a multiplayer game so I thought it would also be an activity we could share yet I still haven't played a single game of it with him. All of this effort was put into trying to socialize and I feel like I am worse off than when I started. This ins't an isolated instance, things like this happen all the time and with more than just games.
Again, thanks to all who have replied and happy New Years, may it be a year of growth and prosperity.

 

[fairy_girl]

I don't get along with my mom's family because they always have to be right about everything. I tried to help my cousin who had skin problems and he was washing his skin with bars of soap instead of face wash. The only reason I offered my help was because he was sharing a bathroom with me and he is stubborn as hell since he was a kid so I was going to help him out since I have had some acne problems in the past (not enough to need medication for it). Using an acne face wash wouldn't have killed him but again *I obviously don't know anything (*sarcasm).

I don't mind making conversations but not alot of "normal adult" problems don't really interest me at all. I'd rather hang out with the children, at least they don't judge me.

 

[Dwoops]

I understand that, my brother is stubborn as well. So many times we have had conversations and he says something about a topic I know a lot about (and it is an incorrect fact), and I try to tell him that he isn’t correct, but he digs in. The past few months I have tried to make soft statements instead, saying things like well have you looked at this, or I ask him to show me his sources. To be honest it’s almost worse because I try to be amendable and he is super stubborn so I come off looking like including not sure about my answer and he looks like he is sure, which leads to him becoming more stubborn. It is super hard, but I’m trying to just let him be wrong, but when he wants to have an educated discussion about the topic with incorrect facts, it is so hard to just let him be. In fact what seems to happen is I don’t say anything and try to stop the conversation in order to avoid an argument and he gets upset about me not wanting to have the conversation, almost like he wants to “fix” what is wrong when noting is wrong besides him being stubborn.

 

[Chris Russell]

It is not unusual for neurotypical people to feel uncomfortable around someone who is clearly more knowledgeable than they are. As other posters have remarked, insecurities abound in the NT mind, they're just different from the ones that abound in ours, and they are there for different reasons. I do not subscribe to the 'lie and make them feel better' solution of getting by - I've tried that and I simply do not have the capacity nor the energy required to maintain such fictions on an everyday basis. I have decided to go with another solution: I keep to my own principles, and I talk without altering my subject for others' comfort, but I do explain. Not just what I'm talking about, but why. I have a poster on my wall at work with a lovely diagram detailing the 6 major problems in quantum physics currently, and how they connect to current theory and knowledge. I explain that this grounds me, I find it comforting that we can make sense of such unfathomable things, so it gives me hope that I can figure out how to navigate an informal gathering without having a meltdown.
I do make myself pause occasionally in conversation, and ask myself the question"will anything be better if I correct this?" before acting. If the answer is yes, I do. If not, the moment has usually passed, anyway, so nothing is lost. Indeed, not everyone will care to hear your reasons for why you act as you do, but the few who do, will certainly be worth getting to know better.... If we are lying or playing a part to 'fit in', then we will never know for sure.
So, our tendency to be 'know-it-alls' might be annoying to some, but out honesty, humour and fairness are very attractive, as is our loyalty and our reluctance to judge people.
As Aspies, I think we need to be realistic about how wide a circle of friends we can acquire, but we can be more confident about the quality of the friends we make, and it should definitely be on our terms.

 

[Aeolienne]

I hardly know what counts as "extreme" with regard to knowledge. I once went out with guy I'd been paired with at a speed dating event. He seemed sweet, but I was put off by the way he got overawed by what he perceived as impressive displays of knowledge. For instance, he was really impressed that I knew which two rivers the city of York is on (the Ouse and the Foss, to save you looking that up). Considering I had seen in the New Year of 2015/16 in York when the city was under floodwater, so the rivers were obviously in the news a lot, was it really so extraordinary that I should remember that detail? I so wish I had a way of knowing when I'm overstepping the mark.