Beauty insecurity?

[LittleLemon]

I always think someone is looking at my newest zit that just popped up or something. Since I can't read people well or think way too deeply about it, I just automatically think they're looking at a flaw when in reality, they probably don't even notice. I think it's common for Aspie girls. Men don't really comment on each other's looks, but women are always complimenting each other, so it makes us constantly obsessing over other people's perceptions--or at least that's how it is for me.

 

[Nicci]

I think I'm pretty unattractive. Especially without makeup. I've had people tell me I'm pretty, but I honestly tend to think it's people following social norms and being polite and stuff. I put a lot of time and effort into changing my looks before seeing people I know (with a few exceptions). I don't think this is necessarily an aspie thing. But I do think that growing up as an outsider has given me some serious self confidence issues. I also tend to think everybody dislikes my personality. My evaluation of other people's opinions of me is generally pretty biased towards the negative side. And my guess is that stems from continuously experiencing that I was "wrong" or "broken" (= not good enough) throughout my childhood and teenage years.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I used to worry about being pretty until I realized I AM considered attractive by many men and it's a major reason I get harassed at work. Now I'd rather be ugly and left alone to do my job and live my life without worrying about being harassed or even assaulted.

 

[BlueCobra]

Thanks for the mixed perspectives guys (and girl)! I get self confidence could be a factor, and possibly being a girl - I noticed Suzanne agreed? Could that be a girl Aspie trait? I don't know. I love hearing from you guys though, so feel free to keep adding your opinions.

All my life I have felt less then what I am,so even if someone says I'm handsome or good looking, it's kinda hard to believe, for me anyways

 

[Nemo]

It's so cool to hear other aspies thoughts. I agree that it's definitely a women thing in general, but I think it would make sense that lack of "mind reading" present in Aspies could excerbate that? Feel free to keep adding to the thread.

 

[toothless]

Everyone, NT and otherwise, is concerned about appearance when they are young. I think it flows from 'survival of the fittest.' Most older people are no longer looking for mates and don't care how others rate their appearance on some stupid Hollywood/Madison Avenue-created scale.

Unless, of course, one is a narcissist who pathologically needs to be the center of attention at all times. I daresay we all know someone like that!

it also depends on where you are on the spectrum,ive never been concerned about appearance,i don't see peoples looks as I cant visually or mentally process people in the same way other people can,and I see humans as the same generic lump of flesh-to me everyone is the same more or less,perhaps with different colourings and lines.
I don't understand people and social norms- I don't understand why people care about looks and also feel the need to tell someone theyre ugly,i used to get told I was ugly on an old youtube channel of mine where I tried to teach people some Makaton and I used to think why are they telling me this? I don't care,i don't understand why they do- and also its not good to try and make people feel bad about themselves.

 

[nagibator]

Hey,
I get worried a lot of the time about whether I am perceived as beautiful/conventionally attractive. I have a theory this relates to my (mild) Aspergers and not being able to "read" other people, but I don't know. Does anyone have similar thoughts? I'd love to hear what other people think. Thanks for reading!

Nemo

The one thing that makes you stand out is your soul. If you think your soul is beautiful then there is no other way than also being inside a beautiful body.

 

[tdrfreebird]

I agree that this tends to be more of a woman problem (men have their own set of obstacles). But for me, since I grew up fat (and still am a bit) I just accepted it as a given that I was unattractive. The thought that someone could find me attractive rarely entered my mind. Maybe it's all in my head?

 

[Full Steam]

I've been called beautiful and I've been called fat and ugly. Funny how those negative remarks tend to stay with you way longer than the compliments do... Some days I look in the mirror and feel pretty great about myself, while other days I'd rather stay in because I feel like my face and body and everything is blah.

The person who said that probably thinks that about most women, and maybe mostly interacts and notices women when they are all dolled up.

That's one of the problems of western society and creates unrealistic expectations on both sides.

People believe the fantasy is the reality.

 

[Full Steam]

To answer the OP question; for me I would see it black or white;

Girls look at me when I'm out at night = must be very good looking!
The girl I like didn't like me = must be hideous.

There was no in between, but that's where the truth was.

 

[jamesaldrin]

I am very much obsessed with my looks. I have been doing strict bodybuilding for 2 and a half years to become as good looking as I can. I look in the mirror a lot - during most bathroom visits.

 

[Adora]

I have struggle with how I look for most of my life,though I have had compliments from people but it can be hard for me to know if they are genuine or not,also I grew up being picked on for how I looked by my father who use to be rather nasty when he would criticise how I looked but these days I'm trying too accept myself and not be as critical to myself.

 

[LyricalMuse]

At school during my seventh grade year, I was called ugly EVERY SINGLE DAY at school. There was a group of three boys who felt the need to LOUDLY proclaim it through the halls so everyone would hear. Looking back, I often wonder why a teacher never interceded. I mean, there's no way that happened every day without an adult hearing it at some point.

The words from those boys left a permanent scar. Added to that was the fact that, when I was older, I figured out that boys would tell you whatever it was they thought you wanted to hear just so they could try to have some type of sexual interaction. That led me, eventually, to never trust a man's appraisal when it came to my appearance.

I've never thought I was beautiful but others have told me I am. I wear makeup in public to try to make myself feel more acceptable. On the extremely rare occasion that I do go somewhere without makeup, I feel like everyone is looking at me and that they can tell I am not like the other girls.

I'm afraid I've unintentionally passed on some of my insecurities to my daughters and that saddens me, even though I've always told them they are beautiful.

 

[Crossbreed]

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder... (Read: you weren't the problem; they were!)

And it really isn't necessary that we should all find each other attractive, but there is no call to be rude about it, either, when we do not.

 

[Professori]

Some women who I think are really attractive are defined as unattractive by others. There always has to be that something different to be appealing as far as I am concerned. Something that I cannot really put my finger on, but which just makes that difference.

Reason I mention that is because no single person, or even a group of people, can define pretty, attractive, beautiful, or the opposite for that matter. Unfortunately, society's picture of conventional attractive has too many dancing to their tune, worrying about whether or not they look like that. People can be really neurotic about that, and go to extreme lengths to alter what is supposedly unattractive.

Personally, when I look at the photos of the women who have responded to this thread, I think they are pretty attractive, and yet some say they doubt. Some people will never believe they are attractive, no matter what, or allow one person to make that judgment call because they like that person.

Why don't you show us a photo of yourself, and if you do then I suggest that the men let you know what they think.
Aspies are supposed to be very forthright, honest, and so you will be given truthful opinions.

I am teasing/joking about that.

 

[Ylva]

society's picture of conventional attractive has too many dancing to their tune, worrying about whether or not they look like that.

It's The Emperor's New Clothes!

And, girls, keep in mind that you might just not be your type.

 

[Adder1234]

Whenever I hear about societies ideas of beauty and appearances, I always remember a line from the "LEGO Movie"
"All I want is complete and total perfection, is that to much to ask for?"
(That was probably different from the actual quote but you get the idea)

 

[Bellatrix]

Do you want to be seen as beautiful?

Why yes, of course!

If so why?

Because people society deems to be attractive tend to be treated better overall. They tend to be more popular, have better career prospects, are more likely to be liked and admired, and if for whatever reason they end up in court, are less likely to be convicted but, if they are, are likely to get a far less severe sentence (so I've heard). Besides, who wants to look ugly?

Do you think you are beautiful?

In my own personal opinion, no, I think I'm average (about 6 out of 10). However, and I hope I don't sound immodest, I have received quite a few compliments from complete strangers about my appearance. I don't know why, but obviously they see what I don't see when I look in a mirror. I guess looking 10 to 15 years younger than my actual age helps a lot too

If not, why?

I used to have a really severe and prolonged case of acne when I was in my teens and 20's, and it really affected me at the time, and I got into the habit of being embarrassed about my looks because of it.

I personally don't feel as though I appear beautiful/ handsome, yet I am not overly concerned with appearing in such a way.
I am concerned at times with appearing ugly, and kind of am, but this is me like it or not and it's not going to improve.
I imagine it would be nice to be beautiful or handsome though.

I have no idea what you look like, but there are a number of things that one can do to appear more pleasing to others. Believe it or not, posture can really make a difference. People who stand up straight, look people in the eye, and walk like they think they're a fashion model tend to be perceived more positively. A person could also lose weight, if that is an issue for them. Being self-confident makes a big difference too, as does making an effort to be genuinely interested in all the gossip and small-talk that so many like to engage in (yes, I know, that's a really, really hard one - I usually fail at that). Wearing decent clothes, being clean-shaven, refraining from the consuption of junk food (especially sugar - bad for one's health), and being clean help as well.

 

[Crossbreed]

Then there is the old saw:

"If you want to look younger and thinner, hang out with old, fat people...!"

 

[Professori]

Why yes, of course!



Because people society deems to be attractive tend to be treated better overall. They tend to be more popular, have better career prospects, are more likely to be liked and admired, and if for whatever reason they end up in court, are less likely to be convicted but, if they are, are likely to get a far less severe sentence (so I've heard). Besides, who wants to look ugly?



In my own personal opinion, no, I think I'm average (about 6 out of 10). However, and I hope I don't sound immodest, I have received quite a few compliments from complete strangers about my appearance. I don't know why, but obviously they see what I don't see when I look in a mirror. I guess looking 10 to 15 years younger than my actual age helps a lot too



I used to have a really severe and prolonged case of acne when I was in my teens and 20's, and it really affected me at the time, and I got into the habit of being embarrassed about my looks because of it.



I have no idea what you look like, but there are a number of things that one can do to appear more pleasing to others. Believe it or not, posture can really make a difference. People who stand up straight, look people in the eye, and walk like they think they're a fashion model tend to be perceived more positively. A person could also lose weight, if that is an issue for them. Being self-confident makes a big difference too, as does making an effort to be genuinely interested in all the gossip and small-talk that so many like to engage in (yes, I know, that's a really, really hard one - I usually fail at that). Wearing decent clothes, being clean-shaven, refraining from the consuption of junk food (especially sugar - bad for one's health), and being clean help as well.

There precisely is your problem. If you want to be perceived as being beautiful in the conventional sense then you are always going to doubt, be insecure because that definition is a constantly moving goalpost.

The results that you outline are as a result of society's inability to appreciate reality and thus allow shallow perceptions to sway their judgment. So, because of this fallibility, it reflects back to just how shallow people can be. And you want to subject yourself to such shallow perceptions, allow those shallow perceptions to alter your own perceptions, behaviour and looks?

Woe betide us then as we grow older! Society's neuroses are bluntly evident in the way people desperately attempt to change the way they look by botoxing, face-lifting, boob-altering, etc., etc.

So, now if I am 65 and have a few wrinkles, and all that used to be upholstery is now down-holstery, I am now defined as ugly in the conventional definition and perception.

And all this from a supposedly educated, civilized society! Truly we have educated ourselves into imbecility!