Wife of Aspergers looking for support.

[nfclewley]

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband of 27 years has Aspergers (self-diagnosed) is a very loving and kind husband. It has been very difficult trying to find better ways to communicate. Dave is angry, negative and defensive that he has Aspergers and doesn't show any interest in working on finding solutions to our communication problems AND . . . he doesn't like change!

We recently bought a couple of good books on Aspergers, but I'm the only one that shows interest in learning, even though I've been reading these books to him. It has been lonely and frustrating and he feels very bad that he isn't available, even though I've been very specific about what I need from him. It's like he's a ghost around me and he becomes defensive when I try to talk to him about any concerns, etc. He is 72 and I am 59, so I don't know if it's even reasonable to expect much as this point, as we're well-established in our ways.

Dave has a great work ethic and still works full time. When he's home, he has his routine and he contributes when I asked, but he doesn't have any goals. The rest of the time, he "floats" around the house, bumping into me and trying to avoid me for fear of getting in the way. He doesn't have close friends or hobbies, so, besides his work, I am everything to him. Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be.
We've had a lot of discussions about his behavior prior to the realization that he has Aspergers, but nothing has helped, even when I ask him specifically for what I need from him. Oh, he's happy to do the "physical" things I ask of him; putting out the trash or the dogs, but not when it comes to his behavior. When I ask him why, he says he "doesn't know".

Is there someone out there that can point me in the right direction? Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. I would really appreciate someone's advice on where to go from here. Thank you!

Natalie

 

[1ForAll]

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband of 27 years has Aspergers (self-diagnosed) is a very loving and kind husband. It has been very difficult trying to find better ways to communicate. Dave is angry, negative and defensive that he has Aspergers and doesn't show any interest in working on finding solutions to our communication problems AND . . . he doesn't like change!

We recently bought a couple of good books on Aspergers, but I'm the only one that shows interest in learning, even though I've been reading these books to him. It has been lonely and frustrating and he feels very bad that he isn't available, even though I've been very specific about what I need from him. It's like he's a ghost around me and he becomes defensive when I try to talk to him about any concerns, etc. He is 72 and I am 59, so I don't know if it's even reasonable to expect much as this point, as we're well-established in our ways.

Dave has a great work ethic and still works full time. When he's home, he has his routine and he contributes when I asked, but he doesn't have any goals. The rest of the time, he "floats" around the house, bumping into me and trying to avoid me for fear of getting in the way. He doesn't have close friends or hobbies, so, besides his work, I am everything to him. Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be.
We've had a lot of discussions about his behavior prior to the realization that he has Aspergers, but nothing has helped, even when I ask him specifically for what I need from him. Oh, he's happy to do the "physical" things I ask of him; putting out the trash or the dogs, but not when it comes to his behavior. When I ask him why, he says he "doesn't know".

Is there someone out there that can point me in the right direction? Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. I would really appreciate someone's advice on where to go from here. Thank you!

Natalie

Hello. Can you tell us what the specific communication issues are? It could involve many things. Are you bothered by he does not talk or show many varying feelings about himself and/or to you, he does not reply much to what you say, he is mostly negative with what he says, he focuses on just one thing to talk about, he does not seem to pay attention to what you say, he seems to not process or understand what you say correctly or is he not interested at all in replying to the topics you talk about? Or like does it bother you he talks in more factual, rigid or non-chit chatty ways, with less relaxed and free expressions, or that he does not seem to admit to any difficulties in communication, care about trying harder to reach compromise for your needs there, to name a few?

Or is there something else that really bothers you about his communication that I did not state here or that you said in your first post but could elaborate more on? The reason I am asking is because in order to see if a solution is possible, we may have to break down specifically what it is you need from him most regarding his communication. Some of it may be able to be changed; some may not. Some solutions may be easier resolved than others and depending on his desires, motivations, and capabilities to change there. I myself have bettered my communication in ways with my wife, but some things cannot be changed. We all are different there, as we all have ingrained life experiences too and varying stress tolerance levels, besides/including genetics.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

His reticence in changing himself is partially his ASD, but a lot of his character. I am 72, and have been in therapy for a year working on PTSD that was alienating my spouse. I remain very committed to her which keeps me going. My decision has been to change myself rather than looking for an affair or emotional support from others. It is not easy, but I still love her greatly

 

[Gerontius]

Hi. This is a busy group with a majority autistic population; welcome aboard.

I don't know if Dave has Asperger's or not, so it's probably not a great idea to armchair diagnose him and then get upset and go full Cassandra when he is resistant to the notion. Asperger's isn't even used as the diagnosis anymore in the United States and wherever else they use the DSM-V to get diagnostic criteria.

I do see communication issues and such, that would be more than adequate for explaining the relationship problem without saying Mr Dave has Asperger's Syndrome. Course he may have it but then again he very well may not.

One reason I suggest that he may not, is because you mentioned he doesn't have any hobbies. One of the signs of autism is having specialized interests with deeper than average knowledge of the subject. One of our moderators is an older gentleman who rebuilds lineshaft driven machinery from 1800s machine shops. One member is a professional dog trainer. Some are video game and computer experts, some are writers, some are photographers, musicians, artists, collectors, trainspotters, bird watchers. Autistic folks usually have deep interests.

Speaking as a young man it sounds like the house is running on traditional Baby Boomer-era social mores rather than a pathological cause. In an era when men were raised to repress any signs of emotional awareness it is difficult for them to communicate, autistic or not.

 

[Rodafina]

Maybe Dave would like to come on here and talk to us. A journey of self discovery can be important and despite what you see, you may not be fully understanding what is going on in his mind.

There are many people here who do not have the capacity to engage in live conversation of any sort… Maybe he would like to write and process things slowly like we do. Also, it is a great place to find friends and establish hobbies.

It is inefficient to give you advice to give to Dave, so maybe he would like it here.

EDIT: remember, as you and Dave are learning more about autism to not only look at communication/ support difficulties. There are many positive and strong things that come with an autistic brain, and it is extremely important to notice and support the growth of these things. this is something forum members taught me, which is why I would encourage Dave to be here.

 

[nfclewley]

Hello, I am new to this forum. My husband of 27 years has Aspergers (self-diagnosed) is a very loving and kind husband. It has been very difficult trying to find better ways to communicate. Dave is angry, negative and defensive that he has Aspergers and doesn't show any interest in working on finding solutions to our communication problems AND . . . he doesn't like change!

We recently bought a couple of good books on Aspergers, but I'm the only one that shows interest in learning, even though I've been reading these books to him. It has been lonely and frustrating and he feels very bad that he isn't available, even though I've been very specific about what I need from him. It's like he's a ghost around me and he becomes defensive when I try to talk to him about any concerns, etc. He is 72 and I am 59, so I don't know if it's even reasonable to expect much as this point, as we're well-established in our ways.

Dave has a great work ethic and still works full time. When he's home, he has his routine and he contributes when I asked, but he doesn't have any goals. The rest of the time, he "floats" around the house, bumping into me and trying to avoid me for fear of getting in the way. He doesn't have close friends or hobbies, so, besides his work, I am everything to him. Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be.
We've had a lot of discussions about his behavior prior to the realization that he has Aspergers, but nothing has helped, even when I ask him specifically for what I need from him. Oh, he's happy to do the "physical" things I ask of him; putting out the trash or the dogs, but not when it comes to his behavior. When I ask him why, he says he "doesn't know".

Is there someone out there that can point me in the right direction? Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. I would really appreciate someone's advice on where to go from here. Thank you!

Natalie

Hello. Can you tell us what the specific communication issues are? It could involve many things. Are you bothered by he does not talk or show many varying feelings about himself and/or to you, he does not reply much to what you say, he is mostly negative with what he says, he focuses on just one thing to talk about, he does not seem to pay attention to what you say, he seems to not process or understand what you say correctly or is he not interested at all in replying to the topics you talk about? Or like does it bother you he talks in more factual, rigid or non-chit chatty ways, with less relaxed and free expressions, or that he does not seem to admit to any difficulties in communication, care about trying harder to reach compromise for your needs there, to name a few?

Or is there something else that really bothers you about his communication that I did not state here or that you said in your first post but could elaborate more on? The reason I am asking is because in order to see if a solution is possible, we may have to break down specifically what it is you need from him most regarding his communication. Some of it may be able to be changed; some may not. Some solutions may be easier resolved than others and depending on his desires, motivations, and capabilities to change there. I myself have bettered my communication in ways with my wife, but some things cannot be changed. We all are different there, as we all have ingrained life experiences too and varying stress tolerance levels, besides/including genetics.

Thank you for writing! He doesn't talk much and the feelings he shows are mostly frustration and anger if I push. He is negative and seems to take any attempts to communicate as a personal attack. He doesn't pay attention to what I say and certainly not interested in most topics that I talk about (mostly learning to communicate better) but he does seem to understand what's being said.
He does try to engage in coversation, but admits a fear of saying the wrong thing. There's never any "chit chat" or much talk about anything, unless it's menial or a topic of his interest with very little expression.
For instance, I tend to initiate discussion about situations that arise, hoping to clarify and communicate in a way he can understand. He gets confused/frustrated and the upset. We both are bothered when this happens and it seems to me that even though he says he wants better communication, he doesn't want to deal with anything outside of his everyday chores and work.

I hope I answered your questions. This is very difficult, but thank you for your thoughts that might help.

 

[nfclewley]

His reticence in changing himself is partially his ASD, but a lot of his character. I am 72, and have been in therapy for a year working on PTSD that was alienating my spouse. I remain very committed to her which keeps me going. My decision has been to change myself rather than looking for an affair or emotional support from others. It is not easy, but I still love her greatly

Hello and thank you for that! I believe it is his character too. Dave has had tramatic incidents since he was very young right up through his 30 years as a police officer. His father, who may have had ASD was horrible to Dave right up to the day he died. Dave and I are commited as well, even though it has been a tough 27 years.

 

[nfclewley]

Hi. This is a busy group with a majority autistic population; welcome aboard.

I don't know if Dave has Asperger's or not, so it's probably not a great idea to armchair diagnose him and then get upset and go full Cassandra when he is resistant to the notion. Asperger's isn't even used as the diagnosis anymore in the United States and wherever else they use the DSM-V to get diagnostic criteria.

I do see communication issues and such, that would be more than adequate for explaining the relationship problem without saying Mr Dave has Asperger's Syndrome. Course he may have it but then again he very well may not.

One reason I suggest that he may not, is because you mentioned he doesn't have any hobbies. One of the signs of autism is having specialized interests with deeper than average knowledge of the subject. One of our moderators is an older gentleman who rebuilds lineshaft driven machinery from 1800s machine shops. One member is a professional dog trainer. Some are video game and computer experts, some are writers, some are photographers, musicians, artists, collectors, trainspotters, bird watchers. Autistic folks usually have deep interests.

Speaking as a young man it sounds like the house is running on traditional Baby Boomer-era social mores rather than a pathological cause. In an era when men were raised to repress any signs of emotional awareness it is difficult for them to communicate, autistic or not.

Dave believes he has ASD. He has things that he spends his spare time on, like politics, movies and football, but not "hobbies" like activities. He is also a very social person, which contradicts ASD.
Thanks for writing!

 

[nfclewley]

Maybe Dave would like to come on here and talk to us. A journey of self discovery can be important and despite what you see, you may not be fully understanding what is going on in his mind.

There are many people here who do not have the capacity to engage in live conversation of any sort… Maybe he would like to write and process things slowly like we do. Also, it is a great place to find friends and establish hobbies.

It is inefficient to give you advice to give to Dave, so maybe he would like it here.

EDIT: remember, as you and Dave are learning more about autism to not only look at communication/ support difficulties. There are many positive and strong things that come with an autistic brain, and it is extremely important to notice and support the growth of these things. this is something forum members taught me, which is why I would encourage Dave to be here.

 

[nfclewley]

Thank you!
Dave and I read what you wrote and are grateful for your help.
Dave says he would like to talk to you through writing, as we are now.
Maybe live conversation at a later date, he says.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Welcome, BTW.

So, there's a lot to unpack here, but I am in my mid-50's and I understand much of what @Gerontius and @Gerald Wilgus said.

I have been married for 35+ years and wasn't diagnosed until I was 52,...ASD-1,...and although it is not "language" we use in the US,...my psychologist sort of rolls her eyes and acknowledges it as "Asperger's condition". I am not one to get hung up on the label. I am well aware of what I have. That said, unlike your husband, I was actually happy to finally,...finally,...have a diagnosis. It gave me some answers to questions that had lingered in the back of my mind for decades. Then came the steep learning curve to understand myself within this context. So many things in my life became so much clearer,...my strengths,...my weaknesses,...how better to interact with people around me. Furthermore, my wife sort of left it all up to me to sort these things out. Frankly, it took almost a year or so for her to settle into the idea that she was married to an autistic,...because, in part,...I think she had developed a "moral diagnosis" of me over some 30+ years of marriage,...and now she had to reassess her view of me, which, I am sure, was not easy.

Obviously, your approach to the diagnosis is quite a bit different than my wife's. Now, I am trying hard here to understand the perspective of your husband's,...and I may be way off here,...but if I was perceiving my wife as "pushing me" to talk about things I haven't quite wrapped my mind around yet,...I would push back, no doubt. Furthermore,...and I don't know if this applies to your husband,...but like a large percentage of autistics,...I have alexithymia,...which means I don't actually know how I feel at any given moment. It may take me minutes, hours, even days to process a social interaction,...so, no matter what,...I will respond in an "inappropriate" manner given the emotional content of a social interaction. Later,...if the person means something to me,...I will walk up and apologize. Furthermore,...I grew up in a generation where males were absolutely expected to suppress their emotions,...so it could be that your husband is also very good at emotional control,...until he can't. I like to say I have "a very long fuse",...and at the end of that fuse,...a very large bomb.

Fear of saying the wrong thing,...I have this, as well. Better to stay silent than risk saying something inappropriate,...because, frankly,...part of the autistic condition is not processing all the subtle nuances of communication (voice inflection, facial micro expressions, body language, cultural and emotional content, etc.). He may have found that he is often misunderstood,...a very common thing with autistics,...and it is quite emotionally upsetting to be put on your back heels by someone who misinterpreted what was said and/or how it was said. I use direct language,...most other people use indirect language. Indirect language, in many circles is most common and even is perceived as "non confrontational" and even "polite",...but an autistic may perceive it as "deceptive" and immediately puts our brains on "alert",...so we might not respond in the way one might normally expect. I don't want to be put into a position where I have to try to "read between the lines" and interpret what was said,...because my ability to process all that communication information and put into context and perspective,...that's a tall order for me,...I'd have to "chew on it" for a while before answering appropriately. The thing is,...most communication occurs quickly,...back and forth,...and many autistics are not good at that. I do OK one-on-one, but add another person into the group,...I shut down and become mute pretty quickly.

At any rate, I hope this gives you some insight. HE needs to sort these things out on his own,...and only if HE wants to. If you push, he will likely push back. He may not have any sense of how he is feeling,...he may be just reacting,...so you may be asking questions he literally is incapable of answering.

Take care

 

[All-Rounder]

As long as the man isn't dead, it is reasonable to expect him to be involved in the relationship. Don't let his age dictate this. Some people use age as a getaway from their responsibilities. Don't let old people manipulate and get away with things, they probably will.

Many Autistic people sometimes just won't involve themselves no matter how much they feel bad about it, or say they will, from my experience of dating them. If you need more than they can provide it won't be long until you find out who you truly are is very different from who they are and that you can't cope with that lifestyle.

There are affectionate people on the spectrum, like me. But many aren't and have a hard time connecting, I sometimes get frustrated with the difficulty of me connecting with partners but I do heavy work for it. I need that connection in order to form a genuine bond and be able to have intimacy.

 

[All-Rounder]

Dave is angry, negative and defensive - Dave is toxic

Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. - Dave is immature and playing with fire

 

[All-Rounder]

very loving and kind husband - how do you know this? Sometimes we just "know" but we might logically see differently

There are certain parts about Dave which you don't want to lose, but being involved in this relationship is very counter intuitive to your personality and common relationship requirements

If you feel for Dave's autism the best thing to do is to ignore it. If you're gonna try to close his side of the gap, and I'm not sure if you can do otherwise, then you're gonna ruin the relationship, because you will overwork and become frustrated and unfulfilled. Besides the fact that Dave made it clear hes not gonna be involved in that, and most likely anything else that changes his behaviour. Indeed, there is a consensus of the autistic person doesnt have to change, but to be offered accomodation. But relationships don't work that way, and you are not a slave or a work environment, so what you need and the only probably possibility is for Dave to show he loves you, and so far a way has not been found and has been rejected for some reason.

Bottom line, Dave is destroying the relationship and will not wake up until it's done. That might be negative, but is it true?

 

[Magna]

Your husband may or may not have ASD. However, the actual issues you're facing with communication are what's important.

If my wife of 20 years sat down with me and said she wanted me to share my thoughts and feelings in real time with her about subjects that I know little about, it wouldn't work. Not everyone processes information at the same rate. Sometimes it might take me days or even weeks to mull over, analyze, identify my feelings and formulate opinions. Thankfully my wife isn't the kind of partner that thinks her way of communicating is "normal" and my way is "abnormal" and needs to be radically changed. It would be hard and sad to live with such a person.

My wife and I have found a good compromise for ways we sometimes communicate with each other: Written communication. Texting, emailing each other or even on occasion typing or writing out actual notes/letters.

 

[All-Rounder]

It's like he's a ghost around me - he's not emotionally present and easily frustrated with you, more or less, he has learned to expect negative experiences with you and offer negative reactions

 

[All-Rounder]

When he's home, he has his routine and he contributes when I asked, but he doesn't have any goals. - I can relate to this, I understand how it is to be overly tired and have lesser energy spoons to consume than other people. Given he works long hours, he must be mentally exhausted when he's home. He needs to quit his job to properly focus on you. The only way to do this would be to brainwash him probably, which would not be ethical in the least and will backfire. He seems to be the kind to be hating to be told what to do, either way, a free autistic spirit.

 

[All-Rounder]

Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be. - I'm pretty sure he'd instantly die if he heard this. I mean, the man has got to have at least some honor, so dont tell him this. I would focus on making compliments to him when he does things that you like

he says he "doesn't know" - please no, not those familiar words. I cant tell you how many autistics told me that. And it still irritates my ear canal

 

[All-Rounder]

Ultimately, I am like a mother or a teacher for him and not the equal partner that I should be. - I'm pretty sure he'd instantly die if he heard this. I mean, the man has got to have at least some honor, so dont tell him this. I would focus on making compliments to him when he does things that you like

he says he "doesn't know" - please no, not those familiar words. I cant tell you how many autistics told me that. And it still irritates my ear canal

Well, since Dave is here, I guess he's already heard it all. If he's still alive there is a chance.

So, Dave. Why don't you tell us your side of story? It's very important.

 

[All-Rounder]

Dave is angry, negative and defensive - Dave is toxic

Dave won't go to an Asperger counseling and he is disinterested in the live online group sessions we recently tried. He stayed anonymous and didn't connect with the topics, as it was mostly socializing. - Dave is immature and playing with fire

My bad, I think you were saying that the reason why he refused to connect was because it required socializing, instead just talking to 1 person in a quiet chamber, while he would have you there too, as a person of safety or wahtever, if he feels like him knowing you would offer that in such a situation. Some people just take a plushie or object with them.

He has big issues with socialization, and they might become better after a couple years of therapy and exercise, there's no easy way. But you can't rely on others, or let them down, you have to do humanely tasks, so it's better if you can be independent.