I guess I've struggled ever since pre-school, but elementary was deffinitely the worst phase of my life. Most of the other children hated me and I returned the favor. I also found the work difficult and uninteresting and mostly lived in my own world. Most teachers presumed I was uninteligent because I it was my tendancy to gaze around the room rather than looking directly at the teacher or my peers. To an extent I validated their innitial assessment by getting mostly sub-standard grades, but I also mystified them by demonstrating that I was very bright in some ways, even if I was laging behind my peers in many respects.
Especially in my earlier years I was constantly undergoing special testing as they attempted to determine why I was struggling. They never managed to come up with anything more definative than "a rare form of dyslexia, maybe?", and my results ranged from "bright" to "this child will never be able to live on [their] own." I was always working with the teacher's aides in an attempt to catch up with my peers, and I felt some resentment about this, especially as I felt that my peers were idiots and I was above them. Other kids thought I was retarded and would say as much.
The playground was terrible. Kids would tease me and exclude me, and often I didn't know why. Then again, I didn't really like playing with big groups of kids as I found one on one interactions more fulfilling. I would try to befriend new kids but soon they would become part of the in crowd and I would be left on my own. I spent a lot of time paceing the parimeter of the school grounds, shaking my coat strings and having deep thoughts about the nature of suffering, or dreaming up other worlds and the workings of their societies. Younger childeren would chase me around and call me "no brain" - I would ignore them, much to their delight.
In late elementary even my teachers would bully me. My first grade six teacher would lock me out in the hall to finish late assignments. When I completed them I would bring them in to be marked, and he would tell me to come back later, over and over again. So eventually I lost faith that he even wanted to mark my work and just spent all day out in the hall. At the end of the day we would have to write a "reflections sheet" where we would recount everything we had learned that day. I would quite honestly write down "nothing" only to bet told this was incorrect and that I had to try again. I would then be told, piecemeal, what the other students had done in class. With every iteration of my reflection sheet I would be told I missed something and be told to write it again. He would do other cruel things, like calling me to the front of the class and saying, "Congratulations on your homework! You will find you scored a nice round number.", and on the assignment were written the words, "Good Job! 0%".
Thankfully I transfered to an other school for the second half of grade six and had a much better time of it. I actually have rather fond memories of that time as my teacher was fantastic and made school fun, which was rather novel for me. I also befirended a brainy loner and we would spend our time walking around and discussing science, video games, and classical music.
In junior high I began to get good grades and was very pleased with myself for proving the jerks in elementary wrong, that I actually did have a brain in my head. I was still a loner though, and found the behaviour of my peers rather disturbing. I didn't understand what was wrong with them until after the fact when I realized their aggression, obsession with sex, and contentious social highrarchies were merely symptoms of puberty. I seemed to be mostly unaffected by this mania and focused on studying and dreaming up utopian societies. I also had a chronic stutter and was still bullied, but I at least had a sense of self worth, which was a huge improvement.
In high school my stutter was deminished, but still present. The school I went to was mostly bully free, so I was much more comfortable there. Unfortunately my grades began to slide, and I took this very hard as I had invested much of my self worth in my acedemic achievement. I wanted to be more social at this time as I decided my peers weren't so bad, but outside of a clique of outcasts (among a school of outcasts) I really didn't know how to socialize and would freeze up when I tried to approach people. Factor in gender dysphoria and I deffinitely had my issues. It wasn't all bad though. I had one really good friend at school and I really enjoyed most of my classes. I also started playing in bands and got involved in some cool art projects. Ultimately this was way more fun than elementary and middle school.
Adulthood has probably been the best phase of my life, but it also features some of my deepest periods of depression. I like the autonomy and the fact that I am free to seek out my own people rather than being forced so socialize with people I don't like (for the most part). I've managed to participate in some really great community building and activist projects, record a few albums, and do some really important work supporting people with disabilities. I'm struggling right now, but I am hopefull that I can get back on track.
