Too much time in NT world, makes me feel alien, despite!

[Suzanne]

In fact, I feel worse now, knowing that I have aspergers!

I hate the "pat on the head" feeling. And the truth is, I could quite easily just close the door and never go outside in to the world of "normal" people and just be on here, for this is where I feel: HUMAN.

It is a struggle, to be honest, when I am told: oh for goodness sake, stop taking things so literal! Or, joke, dear; hear, I said: Joke, get it now?

I am really working on the honesty. For I now know what the true meaning is and yes, I could easily blurt out the truth and truly have a tug of war going on, inside my head, desperate to say, but knowing the consequences if I do say.

My husband told me that he had something to share, but he wasn't sure if he should, because I have this awful tendency of telling the person. I must add: not a tale tale person. Things that are relatively innocent, but my husband prefers me to not say. Well, I was about to say something to the person and then thought: but if you did, then they will know your husband has been talking and that may make them feel uncomfortable and so, I stopped. But heck, it is HARD WORK.

It is hard to be told that if I keep blurting out truths (not the same as being a liar), that people will not trust me and that hurts!

Perhaps I should give an example of what I mean? Well, a friend told me or revealed to me something negative about my husband that someone else had noticed. It is pretty true actually, but I know there is no point saying this to my husband, for he will not get the point of the actual thing, but just see everyone is against him. So you see, I keep wanting to blurt it out and have to reign myself in! So far so good though.

Oh dear, this is such hard work being an aspie lol

 

[Greg]

OMG I take things so literally it is not even funny. When I say things I say them just like I am thinking exactly. This will hurt peoples feelings all the time. My wife is a NT and she doesn't really get me. It is so frustrating! I feel your pain!

 

[Asperganoid]

Oh dear, this is such hard work being an aspie lol

HAHA! it sure is! I hope this is not too annoying but the fact that you have a partner, one has to admit, is more of a preferable situation than being a lonely alien. even if he's sometimes he might be "there" only as bones and flesh.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Despite being very NT, I am particularly touched by some of your reactions, Suzanne! I have become an increasingly honest person and continually strive to confront other NTs' insistence on being "nice" and "polite" all the time. Of course, this may be easier for me because I exist in a work/interpersonal environment in which I am surrounded by other very honest people. I am an academic and I study, in particular, rhetoric & argument. So, my coworkers (who also happen to be my best friends) and I are incredibly blunt and honest whenever we encounter behavior or arguments that are problematic. We don't ever hesitate to say, "Well, that argument is completely stupid" or "Your rationale for your destructive behavior makes no sense." I love our friendship dynamic; I always know that my buddies will tell me directly if I'm being dumb, if I look ridiculous, if I did something offensive, etc.

But, once I leave this bestfriend/work bubble, I have to readjust to typical NT expectations: to be nice. But, it's becomingly increasingly hard to justify those sorts of readjustment; I have seriously limited my interaction with most people and have ended many friendships in the past year because I got sick of "tiptoe"-ing around people and their irrational social codes. It makes no sense to me how we're supposed to be "nice" by basically lying or denying/overlooking certain truths, how everyone claims to prize "honesty" but then gets mad when they are confronted with something they don't like to hear. I will never forget one of my former colleagues (she left the academy, because she hated the culture of constructive critique and debate) who explicitly and very seriously said, "I just want to work in a place where everyone is fake nice to each other all the time."

I guess what I'm saying is: even I understand feeling like an "alien" among NTs, and there may be some parts of NT world that will lovingly embrace and welcome you and your honesty! Blurt on, woman!

 

[Asperganoid]

OMG I take things so literally it is not even funny.

Not even a little funny? witty bitty funny? do you get satire? literalists are intriguing like dove tailed wombats.

 

[Elemental]

It's very reassuring & affirming to read other people's experience of this literal-ness. What surprises me is how it always catches me out: I know I have the predisposition for it but it's very hard to apply that before interpreting what someone is saying although it is sometimes possible to re-consider what they said before answering

 

[tachyon]

I am really working on the honesty. For I now know what the true meaning is and yes, I could easily blurt out the truth and truly have a tug of war going on, inside my head, desperate to say, but knowing the consequences if I do say.

Been there, done that & suffered the consequences

I've managed to construct a 'firewall' between my brain & my mouth that has veto rights on what gets verbalised in social situations - most of the time
I make sure it's up-and-running before making contact.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Between husband and wife, peace has a higher value than truth, say the rabbis. The ministers concur: truth will out, but may it please God, not every day. Otherwise we can't be distinguished from gossips. Not everything has to be said, and managing this has been painful and expensive for me.

 

[Ylva]

I think people find poetry very pleasing, and that's why they talk in metaphors all the time.

 

[Slithytoves]

Otherwise we can't be distinguished from gossips.

Nailed it with this, A4H. I have found that some people -- even the odd Aspie -- use the excuse of a need to be honest as cover for a need to gossip, create drama and/or see the effects of their words on another as a choice form of power and manipulation/control. Very unattractive.

 

[EdR]

Been there, done that & suffered the consequences

I've managed to construct a 'firewall' between my brain & my mouth that has veto rights on what gets verbalised in social situations - most of the time
I make sure it's up-and-running before making contact.

That sums up my interactions also.

I find that the firewall generates two problems:
1. I become completely non-responsive frequently because the alarms go off and I know that my instinctive response would be unappreciated, offensive and/or inappropriate. Most of the world thinks my silences bespeak other deficiencies.
2. The firewall goes down when I feel comfortable.

 

[Suzanne]

It's very reassuring & affirming to read other people's experience of this literal-ness. What surprises me is how it always catches me out: I know I have the predisposition for it but it's very hard to apply that before interpreting what someone is saying although it is sometimes possible to re-consider what they said before answering

Sometimes, I realise immediately now that I took something too literally, but many times, it can take me, like HOURS or DAYS to come to the knowledge: ah I was taking him or her too literally there. It was my husband who first got me to see I am a literal person, for honestly, I had NO IDEA. I also now say: am I taking you too literally or do you mean that literally? My husband will then say yes or no. But it strikes me strongly ( ouch) that being an nt is not all that, for it is a "handicapped" person who is able to reason, rather than the nt lol

 

[Suzanne]

Between husband and wife, peace has a higher value than truth, say the rabbis. The ministers concur: truth will out, but may it please God, not every day. Otherwise we can't be distinguished from gossips. Not everything has to be said, and managing this has been painful and expensive for me.

Oh how I get you! Nearly cost me my marriage a couple of times.

 

[Suzanne]

I think people find poetry very pleasing, and that's why they talk in metaphors all the time.

Met one aspie who doesn't do poetry which SHOCKED my best friend ( she is an aspie too). I obviously give off the notion that I am very poetic, but it winds me lol

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post

As predicted, I feel ok again.

I admit that I do like gossip and it would be VERY easy to repeat, but thankfully, I do recognise the fine line between nasty and not nasty. I see that if it BENEFITS the person, then I will say, but if it is only to cause pain, I won't, but of course, the need to say, is still burning away. But I am really working on it and so far, my husband is not aware that some one who he sees as a friend ( another chap) considers my husband treats me a bit like a slave. It SHOCKED me when I was told ( by a female nt). My husband typically deems that his going out to earn is far more important than what I do at home and does, take advantage of this - well tries, because the truth is, knowing that someone out there, feels my husband treats me not as a companion, actually helps me to be strong! But a couple of times, it has been on the tip on my tongue to blurt out what was said, but I think: bad idea Suzanne, because it will not solve anything and best for your husband to be in ignorance here, otherwise, it would be a disaster!

 

[tachyon]

2. The firewall goes down when I feel comfortable.

Rookie error

 

[watersprite]

Rookie error

If a person has NVLD, it tends to be a force to be reckoned (it is a sneaky thing, as I don't know that I have missed something more often than not) with whenever a person is off-guard, from what my neuropsych explained. I am, it seems, a permanent rookie.

 

[Warmheart]

We sometimes feel like we just have to say things, because..... it's like when a picture hangings on a wall just a bit crooked, and we HAVE to straighten it. So we blurt it out! GAAHH!

I am working on trying to reign this tendency in. It isn't easy! I try to breathe... follow my breaths for a bit. Zen to the rescue! Yet, I make so many mistakes yet with this. The more high-stress the situation, the more challenging it is to settle and follow my breathing. I am working on this, and likely always will be.
When I have developed exquisite control, I promise I'll let you know.

 

[EdR]

Rookie error

I wish that I were a rookie. HST was president when I was born.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

need to gossip, create drama and/or see the effects of their words on another as a choice form of power and manipulation/control. Very unattractive.

And perhaps inevitable, if we're self-aware and social. Your comment moved a rock that inspired another <strikethrough>blog post</strikethrough> typing stim...

2. The firewall goes down when I feel comfortable.

Pretty sure that's what fried my last interview/social engagement/elevator conversation/...

Rookie error

And when will I stop being a rookie-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e- (sob)

OK, I'm over it. For today.