I admit that I do like gossip and it would be VERY easy to repeat, but thankfully, I do recognise the fine line between nasty and not nasty. I see that if it BENEFITS the person, then I will say, but if it is only to cause pain, I won't, but of course, the need to say, is still burning away.
I find the idea that passing on anything but first-person information will possibly "benefit" anyone to be questionable. If nothing else, gossip tends to undermine the bearer's trustworthiness. I also firmly believe it's very seldom up to us to be the arbiter of "benefit" to anyone but ourselves. One we have passed on gossip, there's no telling what the direct and latent effects will be on either the end user or the person from whom we first heard the information. Not only that, but the reality is that we almost never know the full story behind the thought or situation for which we're playing middle-man to be a truly useful or accurate messenger. With information comes responsibility; often more than most of us are genuinely willing to accept.
With all this in mind, I have developed a series of tests to determine what I should or should not pass on. If you enjoy gossip and have a tough time refraining from sharing it, maybe this little list of questions to ask yourself before entering the chain will help you rein in your tendencies.
1. Why was I likely told about this?
2. If the information did not originate with the person who told me about it, how reliable is this second-hand source?
3. How old is this information, and are the feelings or situation behind it subject to change, possibly even before I even pass it on?
4. What does this information have to do with me, and should I reasonably have a role in this? ("Who the heck do I think I am, here?")
5. Objectively, why do I
really feel the urge to get involved in the chain?
6. If this information affected me directly, as it will the end user, what else might I want to know about it that I can't explain or verify when I pass it along?
7. What is the temperament of the person with whom this information originated, and of the person I want to tell about this? Am I 100% confident in how the person I want to tell will feel/respond?
8. What are the possible consequences of sharing this; to me, to the person who told me and to the person or people I feel compelled to tell? Can I realistically anticipate all of the possibilities?
9. Are any one of the aforementioned consequences potentially more harmful than letting the information stop with me?
10. Am I honestly prepared to be fully responsible for anything that comes of my disclosure? What might that look like?
so far, my husband is not aware that some one who he sees as a friend ( another chap) considers my husband treats me a bit like a slave. It SHOCKED me when I was told ( by a female nt).
But a couple of times, it has been on the tip on my tongue to blurt out what was said, but I think: bad idea Suzanne, because it will not solve anything and best for your husband to be in ignorance here, otherwise, it would be a disaster!
I'm glad you see the wisdom in not sharing this information "so far". Maybe this will help you decide to make it a permanent resolution. Telling your husband that someone else feels you are treated like a slave to justify your own point of view is a logical fallacy known by many names. The (deeply) flawed argument is that if more than one person thinks something, it is necessarily true or
more true, and it's a device that is incredibly common considering it usually fails pretty miserably. If your husband doesn't feel he mistreats you, telling him that his friend (!) said this will only piss him off at his friend
and you. No more than that. As you said, it won't solve anything. More importantly than that, it would cause new trouble.
This bandwagon-type argument could only ever get traction if this guy said his piece to your husband directly. And in reality, saying "So-and-so says that you..." instead of simply saying that
you think he treats you like a slave only makes you look like someone who isn't strong enough to believe her own convictions stand as accurate on their own. The result: To him, you seem more worthy of his mistreatment than ever.