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Still single

Dagan said:
I'm not hating on myself, mind you. It's a reality-based, self-inflicted decision to be alone for now. I have a specific situation that feels unfair and/or illogical to expect any woman to want to be a part of. To be clearer: the more materialistic and selfish women who I don't want to be with, anyway, they will view my situation as baggage, drama and run far, far away. And that's just fine. Mature and respectable women will view my situation as reality, nothing I would ever choose to want, entirely fateful per medical reasons, but still, if they showed interest, I would be reserved and in ways likely persuade them to better enjoy their lives with another. There's also the possibility of narcissistic women who pull that Princess Charming, desire to be my savior and roundabout take full control of my life. In which case, I'd be the one running far, far away. Seriously put, the hard, cold reality and logic of things is that it just isn't my turn/time yet. It's okay. I do still reflect and try to humor myself about things, though.

I do agree that the likeliest chance I find connection is meeting a gal somewhere doing something of a creative, physical enjoyment or such - gym, rock climbing, museums, zoo, parks, the lake, etc.
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@Markness, meeting a gal doesn't have to be something outdoorsy, but it is good to get involved. Plus, people can sense depression and negativity sometimes. I think I had some elements that scared some people away and I know in a few cases, people even told me that these kind of things turned them off and they wanted to do nothing with me. There's a time and place for these things and best shared only with closer friends or if a situation is more extreme based on context. I would suggest looking for one hobby/activity where people get together and try to like it for the activity- with the possibility that maybe you'll meet someone because you're happy to do that activity.

Race in the US won't be a factor for you because sometimes if you're a minority, I have encountered and sensed some other people will treat me badly because they are not attracted to me unless I'm like super good at a particular something that helps a team they are on. If I'm super good at something then they only like my skill but not my appearance or me as a person. At least you don't have to deal with that.

Another thing you could consider is volunteering for a convention. You have to sign up early for these things to make sure you get in, but it is short term you provide help- usually a few days once a year- within that time frame- you have a chance to connect with a gal - and maybe in a space that you and that gal both enjoy.
 
I connected to a girl at a coffee shop of all places. Now we message each other because she now goes to my church and is thankful that we meet because she was looking and praying for so long looking for a church after moving from San Diego not knowing anyone. It does not mean I am going to date or or she is going to date me but her being my friend makes me feel nice since growing up I never had a friend as a girl growing up. They just plain out ignored me.
 
I was really just trying to put humor to how I handle and view my current situation. I guess, I shouldn't have done that. I feel like I have to thoroughly explain things, now, though:

If I want to do writing workshops, yes, there are a few locally that ask frequently. There are some via skype that I could do. I get asked to host panels at cons every year, as well. Some I do; some I don't. It depends where and times. I am set to co-host a live event this coming Friday night for fun and games, actually. These kinds of things aren't the issue. The overall problem (that I accept and deal with) is that after any of such goings on, fun events, etc. then it's just my reality of everyday life, and for at least the past 14 months, it's not easy. I can't just go anywhere, do anything or be carelessly free without worry because my phone can alert me at any second and require me to rush back home and/or begin another ER trip. It can happen at any/all of said events listed, and everyone will just have to deal with me bolting out. I can't imagine dating like this, especially after my last relationship specifically ended because she hated it so much and unloaded on me about it. No, everyone is likely not hateful like her, but I accept the reality that it would still be a turn off - it looks like baggage - it looks like drama - it's scary - it's not the feeling someone is wanting by starting a new relationship. The butterflies in whatever woman's stomach should be about happiness and love...not nerves that my daughter might be in the hospital again or such.

I do appreciate all of the concern. Your suggestions are sound. I'm sorry for making light of my problems, no matter if it's how I cope at times or not. I don't want to derail the thread for helping folks, and I certainly don't want anything I've posted to look like mockery of any or all such problems we all deal with. I apologize.
 
Deepthought said:
One thing that can be but is not necessarily always a complete turn off for females is a nervous desperate wreck, except perhaps for those who have had really off putting experiences with super confident overbearing types ~ and are really nervous and anxious themselves.

Consider for instance those who have come out long term or series of short term relationships ~ and desperately need some maturity or very least some mind, body and spirit devotion.

In order perhaps to start getting past the nervous desperation side of things, have you considered perhaps giving Chat-Bot Dating ago? As you can get used to chatting with one or more Artificial Intelligences ~ some of which can quite literally train you in chatting up perspective partners, so that you can learn from mistakes (with an AI) without the usual embarrassment or fear of getting a bad reputation socially (with people).

Dating Bots are programmed for each stage of dating or relationships etc, with different characteristics, so you can find your type or experiment and all that.

I did some work helping to design an AI system back in the mid to late nineties, and someone suggested a few years back that I have a look at the state of things these days. I mean back in the day we were giving a developmental AI philosophical questions to consider about self identity and the programmers were updating it as we went along, whereas when I started doing the same with one of the modern affairs ~ it would refer back to it's programmer rather than just plain crashing, and it did rather well with self identification criteria ~ plus it was programmed with some very good jokes.

Maybe learning to exchange compliments, share interests and so forth with an AI could help build your confidence for actual dates and relationships, such as people go the gym to keep or get fit for real life perhaps?/.

There are also dating and married life computer games, if that and or the aforementioned may be of any interest to you possibly?/.
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lol. Do you suppose women appreciate the type who trips over the curb because he was preoccupied with her face?
 
I thought by now I would either have a long term girlfriend or maybe even be married. I will be 36 this summer and I still don’t even date. I feel really messed up.
 
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People always tell you what (not to) worry about and how to enjoy your life, as if they know what is missing from your life, or what it is that you need to be happy, or what it is that matters most to you.

I get people constantly, even just today, reminding me that others' opinions are not important, as if I'm some teenage child. I asked her; oh, how many friends and family have you got? And of course she has an entire community. And I was like "Ok. So, if I just finished telling you I'm alone, how are you going to tell me how I should feel?" They're insane and hopeless.

Oh, yes, and the same person who is telling you you're a fool for hurting inside over loneliness thinks you're gross and won't shake your hand on the way out the door. I guess she proved herself right in at least one specific context.
 
Markness said:
I thought by now I would either have a long term girlfriend or maybe even be married. I will be 36 this summer and I still don’t even date. I feel really messed up.
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I'm coming of the opinion that if you're finding that people look down on you, then find someone you think is at a disadvantage and date them. Maybe someone mute, someone in a wheelchair, someone who can't drive. You'll be surprised at how strong it makes them to cope with things other people consider only weakness. It's not in any way guaranteed because jerks come in all forms, but it's an opportunity to be seen for your character by someone else who likewise wishes people saw them, for a change.

I really enjoyed dating this poor girl who was paralyzed on one side of her body, but in private, she was the kind of girl who buys fuzzy rainbow sasquatch slippers at Walmart and lumbers around the house going "I'm a monstar!", and we would laugh about it, and I loved to support her and help her out in little ways, both of us knowing fully well she was independent and didn't really need it. But it's nice to be united in the feeling that you took the time to see into each other and you care about an actual person, and not just about whether they meet some arbitrary standard for appearance. I'd take her to a fancy ball for sure, assuming either of us cared for any such thing.
 
I remember using dating sites for whole summers and never getting even a potential date on them. It would feel like my life expectancy was getting decreased and the years would end with me defeated and hopeless.
 
You can't control other people, but you can control yourself. If you can't find a space that works for you, you need to get creative and try to create your own space. Something that makes you happy and productive. People will see and feel that and that can become attractive.
 
I remember reading about Dr. Brian Gilmartin’s “love-shyness” research near the end of 2005 after wondering why I both didn’t have a girlfriend despite being 17 and feeling too shy to ask girls out.
 
Markness said:
I remember reading about Dr. Brian Gilmartin’s “love-shyness” research near the end of 2005 after wondering why I both didn’t have a girlfriend despite being 17 and feeling too shy to ask girls out.
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A reminder on how my mindset towards that has been over the years and there are times I feel that I just shouldn't bother disclosing how I feel about it
 
Markness said:
Maybe I should’ve never read Gilmartin’s study?
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It was a theory he developed, and not a hard
science discovery. If you were able to read it
keeping that in mind, it probably wasn't
harmful.
 
Markness said:
I will be 36 this year. Will I ever have a girlfriend in my life? :(
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I think that you're asking the wrong question.

Since you did, at one time, have a girlfriend, wouldn't
a more appropriate question be "Will I ever have another girlfriend in my life?"
 
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