Small talk (Do you hate it?)

[Grumpy Cat]

. The NT world of questions and not caring about the answers makes me so frustrated.

It's not that they don't care, their eyes glaze over because you are too intelligent about the subject. It has to be brought down to that person's level of understanding. I don't like the term "dumbed down", but that is what I'm talking about. And people, NT and Aspie, have to learn how to have patience with each other. Once you let stuff like this get to you, then any way to communicate goes down the drain and NT's and Aspies start thinking negative about each other. How is that going to help matters?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

we all accepted each other and still talked to and supported each other on being autistic.

And I may not understand everything about Aspies, but I don't want anyone here to change who they are. If I didn't like how Aspies are, then I wouldn't still be here.

 

[zurb]

Aspies eyes glaze over too. Too much info, too fast. But it may be different things that make it happen! eg, for aspies it can be the social things, or verbal instructions; for NTs, the technical details may be too much.
(As an aside: This is one place where DISC is much more use to me than Myers-Briggs).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Aspies eyes glaze over too. Too much info, too fast. But it may be different things that make it happen! eg, for aspies it can be the social things; for NTs, the technical.

Agree. The thing is I wouldn't think you were "dumb" because your eyes glaze over. I'd slow down my conversation or try to explain it a different way. I don't want someone lying to me about anything. I don't see the purpose of that. And I'm not going to lie and say I understand something when I don't.

 

[zurb]

If my eyes have glazed over, give it to me in writing or a diagram instead. More talking is probably not going to do it - its too late already.
(Hmmm, how does one draw small talk?)
I promise not to think you are dumb as long as you don't expect me to explain things in layman's terms at the same time as doing it. One or the other, not both.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I promise not to think you are dumb as long as you don't expect me to explain things in layman's terms at the same time as doing it. One or the other, not both.

Okie dokie. If I ever meet you by chance in real life, I'll be sure to remember that - you may have to remind me a couple times, though, before it sticks (3 times is usually a charm).

 

[Suzanne]

I get stuck and then flounder. But that is because in my world due to my faith, I get to meet many strangers and so, small talk is not really applicable and that is where I fail. If I can get away with small talk and then walk away and not feel guilty for failing, I would rather do that. But it mostly ends with me getting terribly flustered, spit forming and then, embarrassingly showering the person I am trying to talk to.

I feel embarrassed asking about the weather and making all the right sounds and working my face to show the necessary emotion and want to escape.

I enjoy deep conversations and feel myself, but rarely get this face to face.

Wish I was either an nt or literally autistic, because at least I wouldn't care so much.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Why does it make you feel awful? The person is actually trying to engage in a "light" conversation about something you love to talk about. That's a good thing. A "light" conversation is a way to converse in language that everyone can understand, but still talk about people's interests and keep them active in a conversation. Like you said, it took you a long time to know what you know about your "specialty" and people want to "small talk" with you about it because they know it interests you, but they don't want to specialize in it like you do.

For me, the problem is that little word "love"--the love imbalance is acutely painful. I can't pour out my love for the subject because the other person is treating it trivially. So I have to sublimate my love to something I despise the necessity of: "small talk." My love is not small, even if we're talking about rabbit glue v. PVA as adhesives. (I promise not to discuss adhesives.)

The second part of the painfulness is that I have to stop much, much sooner than I want to. I'm happy that what I'm doing has the appearance of being sociable, and I don't feel as if I have to hide my passions...and then they get exposed, and I'm weird for having them and not just being casual about it.

I'm not disagreeing with you about what's wanted. It's that what's wanted is disagreeable to me

 

[tree]

"People dismiss small talk as superficial and boring. People are wrong. Small talk is an essential part of the social contract. It allows us to engage and identify common ground with safe, low-risk topics -- it's an on-ramp."

But does small talk have to be SO boring & trite?
Maybe not.
"15 Conversation Starters That Don't Suck" are offered here,
as well as several strategies that could lessen the pain of small talk.

15 Conversation Starters That Don't Suck | Chris Colin

 

[Ylva]

"What is your favorite mythical creature?"
"What's the coolest nintendo game?"
"This weather remimds me of when Napoleon tried to invade Russia."
"So you believe we create our own reality? How is that working out for you?"

As long as they are pre-scripted (or scripted and pre-programmed) I have no trouble saying all kinds of weird stuff to total strangers?

 

[tree]

"What is your favorite mythical creature?"
"What's the coolest nintendo game?"
"This weather reminds me of when Napoleon tried to invade Russia."
"So you believe we create our own reality? How is that working out for you?"

As long as they are pre-scripted (or scripted and pre-programmed) I have no trouble saying all kinds of weird stuff to total strangers?

Yeah, apparently that's one point of the common/boring/trite small talk.
Nobody has to think of any original interesting content.
It's ready to go/one size fits all.

When I was 12 I was pleased to know the going price for mouse milk.
It was used in radiation experiments.
Tricky to work into a conversation, though.

 

[Greg]

I find that for me I have difficulty in making small talk. Sometimes I will start talking and then there will be an awkward silence.

 

[tree]

I find that for me I have difficulty in making small talk. Sometimes I will start talking and then there will be an awkward silence.

From what I have read, the idea is to use a hook
to draw the other person's remark out/continue the conversation.

To use your statement as an example:
"Sometimes I will start talking and then there will be an awkward silence."
A non-interrogatory statement doesn't necessarily prompt a reply.

If you add something like, "How often does that happen to you?"----
it should elicit a response.

"How often..." is preferable to "Does," in this case because the question,
"Does that happen to you?" can be answered with yes or no. Yes or no
responses don't do much for furthering a conversation.

What do you do when there is awkward silence?
What happens then?

 

[Greg]

From what I have read, the idea is to use a hook
to draw the other person's remark out/continue the conversation.

To use your statement as an example:
"Sometimes I will start talking and then there will be an awkward silence."
A non-interrogatory statement doesn't necessarily prompt a reply.

If you add something like, "How often does that happen to you?"----
it should elicit a response.

"How often..." is preferable to "Does," in this case because the question,
"Does that happen to you?" can be answered with yes or no. Yes or no
responses don't do much for furthering a conversation.

What do you do when there is awkward silence?
What happens then?

I usually just kind of end the conversation and be like "well I need to go now". Also wait for the other person to initiate coming up with the next topic of discussion. I think a lot of my issues are insecurity in myself.

 

[Vinca]

From what I have read, the idea is to use a hook
to draw the other person's remark out/continue the conversation.

To use your statement as an example:
"Sometimes I will start talking and then there will be an awkward silence."
A non-interrogatory statement doesn't necessarily prompt a reply.

If you add something like, "How often does that happen to you?"----
it should elicit a response.

"How often..." is preferable to "Does," in this case because the question,
"Does that happen to you?" can be answered with yes or no. Yes or no
responses don't do much for furthering a conversation.

What do you do when there is awkward silence?
What happens then?

Describing it as using a hook to draw the other person's remark out/continue the conversation is a really helpful way of explaining it.

I've been aware of people 'making a statement' and have sensed that it is said with a sense of expectation especially when their response to my silince is to repeat it.

I find that the times that I do actually respond to this technique it's in an attempt to explain why their stetement is so. eg

Family member says "You look well"

I say "That's because I've been in the sun more often recently so I don't look as pale as usual"

 

[tree]

I've been aware of people 'making a statement' and have sensed that it is said with a sense of expectation especially when their response to my silence is to repeat it.

I find that the times that I do actually respond to this technique it's in an attempt to explain why their statement is so. eg

Family member says "You look well"

I say "That's because I've been in the sun more often recently so I don't look as pale as usual"

Trying to carry a conversation when the intention isn't clearly set out can be a burden.
"You look well" may mean "Oh, you look so well. What have you been doing that you look so well today?"
Or "You look well" might mean "Generally, you look anemic/tired/reticent. I want to encourage you by being positive."

How are you able to determine the implied question contained within a person's statement?
If the person is well known to you, a family member, previous experience is useful. You can gauge the
meaning based on a mental photo file of their reaction to things you & they have said in the past.

Suppose the person isn't known. How can you get to the meaning of a statement with no shared
point of reference/ no touchstone? What do you do then?

 

[Dr. Smart]

"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm good, how about you?"
"I'm good."
"well... bye?"

This conversation! I have it at least once a day with little variation unless I can come up with something funny off the top of my head, or cut down any thing I think is worth mentioning into a 3-4 sentence paragraph... Who am I kidding its one long run-on sentence because that's the way I talk T_T

I don't know, when I first started working, not long after finding out I was an aspie, I actually got used to small talk, it was simple, it kept me from blabbing people's ears off, and sticking to a script seemed to guarantee I wouldn't say something stupid.

However now it feels like a useless gesture to convince people they care about eachother, answering with a negative just means annoying them with your problems or getting a bit of sympathy I don't really feel that I want, but having the convo be the same with everyone I talk to just makes me want to scream.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I have the same feelings about small talk. The conversation you wrote above is the very conversation I have with half my coworkers on any given work day and I get tired of it very quickly. Yet it's apparently considered "rude" to walk by someone and not greet them. But I don't take any offense if someone does that to me. Besides, "how are you?" has become a very meaningless question. Some people don't even wait for an answer before they walk away.

 

[Myway]

I hate small talk. To me, it is meaningless. My friends and coworkers think that it is fun to annoy me with small talk. I avoid it for the most part. Now I recognize when something is small talk and I just walk away from it. I know that might be rude, but it is rude for people to just make small talk with me when they know that I hate it.

 

[DC1346]

"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm good, how about you?"
"I'm good."
"well... bye?"

This conversation! I have it at least once a day with little variation unless I can come up with something funny off the top of my head ...However now it feels like a useless gesture to convince people they care about eachother, answering with a negative just means annoying them with your problems or getting a bit of sympathy I don't really feel that I want, but having the convo be the same with everyone I talk to just makes me want to scream.

I hear what you are saying and thoroughly agree. Small talk seems pointless but from what I have observed, small talk could be a prelude towards friendship with some people.

With this being said, have you considered varying your scripts?

If you like sports, "How about that (insert name of local team) game? Did you catch it?"

If you remember anything about the personal lives of your coworkers ...

"Have you heard how your son is doing at college?"

"How did Chuck's job interview go?"

"Did you finish remodeling your kitchen? Got any pics?"

Just a thought.