Small talk (Do you hate it?)

[Wooaspie]

I hate when I have to small talk with someone. I feel like a phony when I put on a big smile and exchange pleasantries. But if I don't engage in the small talk or at least be honest that I don't care about the small talk I feel like people think I'm a bad person. But if I engage in the small talk and I act like a phony I feel bad anyway. Anybody have a good way of dealing with this?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm not sure. So how's the weather where you are? Are you new here?

(Sorry, I'm NT girl. Small talk is my thing.).

 

[Harrison]

I work as a recovery patrolman so I have to talk small talk everyday, the first thing I realised is that I never see these people again. Therefore I created a 'script' that I can use each time, one that I can observe the responses to and adjust based on how they react.

In a sense I run a computer program in my head based on 'if/then' scenarios. It seems to work well enough as I get above average commendations from my members via admin.

Some people don't want to talk and I accept the silence.

If they move into subjects I don't know about like tv programs, sport etc I tell them I don't own a tv, sometimes I tell them I'm an aspie and that can lead to a more 'interesting' chat.

Company policy is to not engage in talk on religion, politics or sex, so it keeps it fairly simple.

 

[Wooaspie]

I am new on this site. It's raining here.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

If I really don't want to talk to someone I usually don't make any eye contact and my whole body is turned away from that person.

If you want to talk to the person, then continue like how I started. The weather is always a good starter then branch off from there. Maybe something like.... Hi! I'm Angie. I joined Aspies Central back in December when I was looking for more information about Aspergers. I liked the people so much I decided to stay. What brought you to this site?

 

[Kari Suttle]

I work as a cashier, have for almost two years now, so i've learned how to at least passably navigate small talk. How i learned to cope was to create a script that i follow with every customer. I'll greet them with a "Hi, how are you?" and they'll usually reply with the same, and most people don't want to talk beyond this simple greeting. If they seem friendly and i'm in the mood to try i might ask them "Did you find everything alright today?" but that's rare. They're usually talking with other family members, scolding their children, or glued to their phones anyways. I get away without trying to make conversation by simply inquiring about their items - what they want bagged or bagged separately, that sort of thing. Then i have a script down to body movements for how i finish checking the customer out - i tell them their total, if its over a set amount i'll ask if its credit or debit and card them if needed, etc.

For regular people, i'm at the age where they ask about if i'm going to school or not and i'll reply with a simple "Yes i'm going to ____ " and they'll ask my major and i'll give them an equally simple answer. I let them control the conversation and treat it as a script - i doubt they care any more than for simply being polite. I've found that if i deviate from the script and give in depth answers they seem like they didn't really want that answer so i just stick to my script. Its good enough that i got complimented by a customer for being friendly once. I learned to script conversations by copying my coworkers and those around me, and imitating it. At work i have a bit of a persona going as well so i can at least manage to sound friendly most of the time provided i'm not shutting down from being overwhelmed. I just realize that small talk is some sort of social obligation, rule if you will, and pretend to myself that they're just scripting too, and go with it from there. I probably come off as really fake but to me loads of people come off as fake with small talk so i dont think its that big of a deal.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Complimenting the person on something they're wearing or their hair, etc. is also a great opening line. Try to stick to a topic that surrounds how you are meeting the person - like me asking what brought you to this site? Since Kari works at store another good opening topic is asking someone about what they are purchasing - what is it that they like about that item or food?

 

[Ereth]

I hate when I have to small talk with someone. I feel like a phony when I put on a big smile and exchange pleasantries. But if I don't engage in the small talk or at least be honest that I don't care about the small talk I feel like people think I'm a bad person. But if I engage in the small talk and I act like a phony I feel bad anyway. Anybody have a good way of dealing with this?

People don't think you're a bad person. It's just that small talk is usually how conversations with strangers start. It's a social lubricant. Don't think of it as being dishonest---just say "Hello" and move on. You don't really have to say much.

 

[DogwoodTree]

In responding to your question, I'm hoping to find some resolution on this for myself, too, just so you know.

These people you're needing to small-talk with...are they complete strangers, or people you already know?

I think Angela and Harrison nailed it when it comes to strangers where there's really no opportunity for the relationship to ever go any further than small talk, then you never see them again. Develop a script that you can follow like an "if-then" flow chart or something, and use it as often as you need it. So long as the person hasn't heard it before, you'll eventually fine-tune it enough so it works for you. Some of it can be used repeatedly with the same person if there's enough time-lapse between the conversations (weather, well-being, and work all tend to change often enough, you can ask for an "update", lol).

One problem with this, you've mentioned already: It feels phony. But really, that's all you can expect from most relationships. Most people can't stand the thought of being vulnerable with strangers, and that's a healthy sense of boundaries. Depending on how far out a person is from your core vulnerability/intimacy layer, determines how much access that person has to the "real" you. Think about this "real" you being at the center of several concentric circles, and each one represents a different layer of intimacy/vulnerability in the relationship. Most people stay in the outer layers. So if the conversation never gets past the weather, that's okay. They haven't earned the right to have access to more intimate knowledge of what makes you tick. And the weather is reality (not phony)...just not particularly important (unless it's your obsession of the moment, lol).

Another problem I've found is that it's not only complete strangers in one-time meetings where small-talk is required. Weekly church meetings, family reunions, business conferences (in my field, we see a lot of the same people at these conferences every year), and even a family birthday party all throw demands for small talk in my face with people that have already heard my script, sometimes several times over.

There are some people that I've decided...they're not "safe" enough to give them access to my inner layers of vulnerability. Some of these people know me very well (my parents and sisters), but they can't be trusted anymore to treat intimate knowledge of my thoughts with respect. So I don't go there with them anymore. Small talk with them is very painful, because they keep trying to dig, and I keep having to keep them out. I want to be honest, but I also want to be safe and enforce the boundaries I've decided I need to have with them.

There are other people...friends at church, for example...who I'd like to give them access to my more vulnerable layers. But I've learned you can't just throw everything out there on the table or people feel intimidated. There has to be a more leisurely pace to this disclosure or people feel threatened and move away. So it's a delicate balance.

In each conversation with these people, it's like we start at a slightly more outer layer at first, weave through some of that, then there's an opening to go a little deeper with honesty and vulnerability. I look for the open door, or open a couple of doors of my own, and see if they respond. It's kind of like a dance. The "small talk" helps keep the conversation balanced and safe and grounded, so we can explore deeper layers of vulnerability. Then we back off again before finishing the conversation. And sometimes, the timing isn't right for some reason, so the open doors get ignored. And that's okay, because the surrounding environment's effect on our sense of safety in the conversation is "real"...not necessarily conducive to vulnerability, but no less a part of reality (and therefore not "phony").

Honestly, even these conversations feel "phony" in many ways. But eventually, at some point, we reach a place of comfort and vulnerability that conversations start to get more real and vulnerable. It just takes time.

And then there are people who I know (so they've heard my script) but we don't know each other very well, and the nature of the relationship dictates that we can never have a very deep relationship (like business contacts at conferences). I don't have any ingenious solutions...I keep a few key questions in my head, look for more questions to ask as the conversation progresses, and try to get them talking. If I can find something they're passionate about--even if it's not the business topic at hand--I'll work at getting them talking about it then just listen. That's a lot safer than sticking my foot in my mouth with the stupid things that tend to slip out when I try to talk without a script or focused purpose. The challenge, then, is to remember what they told me and who it was so I'll have that data handy the next time I talk with them and can build on it, or at least not overlap. Not easy!

 

[Kari Suttle]

Since Kari works at store another good opening topic is asking someone about what they are purchasing - what is it that they like about that item or food?

Yes i've thought about doing that. Normally its so busy that i'm too anxious to do that though. Plus i'm never genuinely interested in what they're buying so asking about it is awkward, even if its a kid's birthday. Sometimes i'll ask about a food item i'm interested in though.

 

[adamindeltona]

I do the same, put on a big smile and pretend to care about the topic being discussed

 

[Wooaspie]

This is a lot of good feedback, thanks everyone.

 

[gregmcph]

The content of small talk is not important. The deal is to show the other person that you connected with them. Dogwood above says it pretty well.

It matters. If you can do it a little bit, then your life with that person will work better in the future.

 

[Nanda]

I do the same, put on a big smile and pretend to care about the topic being discussed

I do that, but in the end i can't stop feeling myself as a fraud

 

[adamindeltona]

I don't think it's fraud as long as we are still honest in our "dealings" with NT's, It's more like social camouflage.

 

[Etzelaire]

I work as a cashier, have for almost two years now, so i've learned how to at least passably navigate small talk. How i learned to cope was to create a script that i follow with every customer. I'll greet them with a "Hi, how are you?" and they'll usually reply with the same, and most people don't want to talk beyond this simple greeting. If they seem friendly and i'm in the mood to try i might ask them "Did you find everything alright today?" but that's rare. They're usually talking with other family members, scolding their children, or glued to their phones anyways. I get away without trying to make conversation by simply inquiring about their items - what they want bagged or bagged separately, that sort of thing. Then i have a script down to body movements for how i finish checking the customer out - i tell them their total, if its over a set amount i'll ask if its credit or debit and card them if needed, etc.

For regular people, i'm at the age where they ask about if i'm going to school or not and i'll reply with a simple "Yes i'm going to ____ " and they'll ask my major and i'll give them an equally simple answer. I let them control the conversation and treat it as a script - i doubt they care any more than for simply being polite. I've found that if i deviate from the script and give in depth answers they seem like they didn't really want that answer so i just stick to my script. Its good enough that i got complimented by a customer for being friendly once. I learned to script conversations by copying my coworkers and those around me, and imitating it. At work i have a bit of a persona going as well so i can at least manage to sound friendly most of the time provided i'm not shutting down from being overwhelmed. I just realize that small talk is some sort of social obligation, rule if you will, and pretend to myself that they're just scripting too, and go with it from there. I probably come off as really fake but to me loads of people come off as fake with small talk so i dont think its that big of a deal.

Same here. It's just a mental pattern to satisfy the client, which works well while working but in my private life I don't waste more energy engaging in small talk I get enough at work

 

[StephF]

My problem is that I'm too honest, if social protocol dictates to be nice and lie when answering a question, I can't

I'm not trying to be horrible, its just how I am.

 

[Harrison]

My problem is that I'm too honest, if social protocol dictates to be nice and lie when answering a question, I can't

I'm not trying to be horrible, its just how I am.

In my private life I am much the same. It causes problems at times but most people know that I say it as I see it.

 

[Ylva]

Pretending to be normal costs absolutely ridiculous amounts of energy.

 

[Aspieistj]

My mother was an NT and was as phoney as anyone I ever knew. She was terribly unhappy with her own life and always put on a happy face and never let anyone know how desperately unhappy she, herself was. She would have rather died that let people know she was terribly poor, unhappy, never married "good enough" or had perfect children. She loved clothes and never had very many. She flirted with every man she found better than my father and did a lot to call attention to herself if she thought she would be viewed in a good light. The only place she was herself was at home, doors closed and with only my father, brother and me. We were always treated to how unhappy she was and how very certain she was that her life should have been much better. Her phoniness worked very well and the entire town adored her. Only my brother, father and I ever felt the terrible nastiness she unleashed on us in order to tolerate her constant unhappiness. Nothing we did well was ever enough for her.