Share about your ASD-I want to understand

[Fridgemagnetman]

OMG all Persons With Autism* are obsessed with vacuum cleaners!" It becomes an instant stereotype. If some high-profile autistic such as Temple Grandin says she thinks in pictures, then that tears it, all Persons With Autism are supposed to think in pictures now

Help. I can only picture vacuum cleaners.

 

[Ezra]

A running vacuum cleaner irritates me to no end.

 

[Adora]

I found out that I am on the spectrum at the age of 31,like some others here I am not a stereotypical aspie,I am very empathetic and emotional but I do have social issues like poor eye contact and picking up on things like sarcasm or when someone is bored with me so my husband gives me a sarcasm signal if I miss it but I went years without knowing and during those years I was misdiagnosed with things like Schizoaffective disorder and the therapists I once saw even thought I was at risk of developing schizophrenia when I got older,but after I did find out I am on the spectrum a lot of things made more sense to me also you must put in consideration that it’s not called a spectrum for nothing,there are symptoms that people may struggle with more than others and also there are some that you may not have any issues with while others do,I hope you can find answers here and hopefully you can find a good therapist who is knowledgeable about Autism that can help you.

 

[Progster]

I am officially diagnosed but also have these nagging doubts as to whether I am actually on the spectrum or not - I work with people, with kids. I'm a private language teacher. The thought crosses my mind that if I were on the spectrum, I wouldn't or shouldn't be able to do this job. But as @Alis1998 also points out, I'm not actually that social, it's not 'me' - teaching drains me and then I need time alone doing my own activities to recharge. And then, there's a stereotype of an Aspie as being a 'little professor' with a super-high IQ who talks non-stop (mainly about their 'special interest'. I hardly talk at all and don't join in conversations, I can go all day without talking at all, and my IQ is probably average, perhaps slightly above average but certainly not genius. And again, I'm not an IT or maths wizzard - my thing has always been languages - and unlike the vast majority of people on the spectrum, I'm not into video games... haven't a clue about video games or pop culture in general. Sensory issues... really scared of loud noises as a kid and got bullied because of that, refused to wear certain items of clothing my mum had bought me at great expense, hated going on to the busy, noisy playground and preferred to stay inside, hate noise, love quiet... is that so unusual? Nobody likes noise. So what makes me autistic? Why the diagnosis? I guess, I always had social difficulties, difficulties fitting in, relating to and understanding or 'reading' people, emotional difficulites - aloofness, lack of hugging and affection as a child, stimming, difficulty with filtering out background noise (NTs filter it out so it doesn't bother them so much) and other stimuli, processing delay - I can't process speech as fast as most people, so get left behind in group conversations, not able to join in, all leading to social rejection, not keeping employment, isolation and lonliness, lack of self-worth leading to clinical depression and an inability to cope. Hence the diagnosis.

People with autism aren't just a diagnosis, or a list of traits - they are a complex mix of personality, their genes, their experiences and background, all of which combine and interact with the autistic traits, which means you get such a huge variation in characteristics and personality, as is true of the human race as a whole. Every single person here will have some ways that they don't fit with the stereotype, some aspect in which they are not autistic... anyway, we can't literally all have the same characteristics or we'd be clones

 

[VioletHaze_03]

You don't need to go "by the book" it's a mistake i made when i searched for a possible explanation. I am hyper-verbal, which means i have a heightened vocabulary and use metaphors in my speech all the time, i also have a strong sense of sarcasm and humor. I can make eye contact and hold a conversation, but it's very difficult for me. As a child, i didn't do things like flap or toe walk or line up my toys. I'm not a math or art genius, instead i'm completely average at everything and have no dazzling talents. I was misdiagnosed because i was not a textbook case of asd. However, i did have significant social difficulties and a "special interest" and i have really bad sensory issues. ASD happens differently for every person, it's rarely by the book, and that's why it's so hard to diagnose. I suggest you ask your local doctor or psychologist if you want to go down the path of diagnosis. They have the medical expertise, we don't.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You don't need to go "by the book" it's a mistake i made when i searched for a possible explanation. I am hyper-verbal, which means i have a heightened vocabulary and use metaphors in my speech all the time, i also have a strong sense of sarcasm and humor. I can make eye contact and hold a conversation, but it's very difficult for me. As a child, i didn't do things like flap or toe walk or line up my toys. I'm not a math or art genius, instead i'm completely average at everything and have no dazzling talents. I was misdiagnosed because i was not a textbook case of asd. However, i did have significant social difficulties and a "special interest" and i have really bad sensory issues. ASD happens differently for every person, it's rarely by the book, and that's why it's so hard to diagnose. I suggest you ask your local doctor or psychologist if you want to go down the path of diagnosis. They have the medical expertise, we don't.

What's your position on vacuum cleaners?

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

I am not bothered so much by loud noises. I don't really enjoy nightclubs, don't enjoy shouting at people and being shouted at to make meaningless small talk, but it doesn't cause a meltdown or anything.

I can never, when I've unfortunately found myself in this sort of situation, understand why anyone, with any brain wiring, could possibly enjoy this. It's one of those things that no explanation has ever made sense. If you arrive early enough there is a chance at a conversation, as the evening goes on the music steadily increases in volume. Nobody seems to notice or care; instead they start shouting at each other. Soon the music is absolutely pounding, awful (from any reasonable taste point of view) and completely intrusive to everyone. At this point, I can't hear a thing anybody is saying and yet some people insist on shouting at me.

The only thing I can think of is that the establishment figures that people drink more if they can't talk, because all people, not just autistic people, require stims or risk being nervous. But even if that is true, I can't figure out why people put up with it. You would think if enough people asked them to turn down the noise they would. It's like they (the patrons) know they're cows and insist on being milked.

Sorry for the tangent, but you hit on something which is truly one of the most curious aspects of human behavior. Fascinating because at the end of the night I am the strange one for not having enjoyed it and not wanting to subject myself to that again. This completely assault on the senses, which if undergoing small tweaks could be considered torture, is what a normal person finds pleasurable. I suppose the world being messed up shouldn't be a surprising phenomenon.

 

[DCA]

Glad I wasn't the only one to get an image of someone staring at their belly button...

As usual, when I need to see or read something about being on the spectrum, you guys (& gals) deliver. I've been struggling a bit myself with this topic, so this thread was probably something I needed to read, so thanks to you all (again)...

 

[AO1501]

...I would like anyone here, especially with this diagnosis, if you want to, to share with me in this thread, what you think makes you an "Asperger," so I can come to understand more what it means and deduce more precisely if I am one or not, or how I differ from you....

The first thing that comes to mind is that there is really no simple, single, textbook ASD. There are people on the spectrum who display a whole range of differing behaviours and experiences, and yet are all on the same spectrum. Some 'Aspies' are quite sociable, while others are anything but. Some are empathetic, some are not. Some are emotional, some are not. Some are high IQ, some are not. Some are sensitive to noise, and some are not. Some are literal, some are not. Some have clear stimming behaviours, and some do not. Some have processing problems, and some do not. And for all these and more, there are others who are somewhere in between the 'do' and 'don't' of each spectrum.

It goes on and on, and sometimes individuals can flip from 'do' to 'don't' or the other way around, depending on circumstances, because what we are is human, and humans are all different.

I, for example, am very insular. I don't like socialising, I am not outgoing at all, yet I can engage in conversation with people quite comfortably, and interact with people I know on a social level if I need to. To those I know, at least in that respect, I'd seem unlikely to be on the spectrum - in fact there would be little reason they would ever wonder.

I also have serious processing issues, such that if I am asked to explain something or describe a process or issue, I struggle to find where to begin, and then the right words to get me going. Yet, I can be called on to deliver a public speech, without a script, and will (I am told) do an excellent job of it. I am very literal, but have learned over many years that others are not, so if what someone says to me makes no literal sense, I know to try and filter it through years of interactions, to see if I can guess or deduce a non-literal meaning.Likewise, I can use non-literal phrases in conversation or interactions because I have heard them so often they are at least somewhat integrated into my use of language.

I have been told that I am very cold and calculating, yet my partner knows exactly how I feel about her, and engage emotionally with those who want that from me, because they are the only ones I let into my life, and to do that I have to engage with them emotionally. And I am only cold and calculating, because I think logically and rationally, and work by developing strategic planning as my process.

I have no empathy, for anything, unless I have experienced the exact same thing myself, but I can fake empathy by reading the emotion of others, and applying an experience that comes somewhere close. It is fake though, so I only bother for those who I think need it and that matter to me enough.

I have been described as abrupt and dismissive, but that is when I'm being told or confronted by something that I am not interested in or curious about. I have also been described as obsessive, but that is actually me being focussed on what I am doing, because that's just how I function - that I can and I do focus on something for however long it takes to get it resolved/done.

According to many, I don't listen to what others are saying to me, and I ignore things people tell me. What they don't know is that I can't differentiate their voices from all the other noises and people, and it all arrives in a big jumbled mess of sound I can't filter, so I can't hear. Yet I can hear voices from several hundred feet, and can differentiate the tiniest of sounds others seem not to be able to hear.

There are many other aspects of who I am that from the outside might appear one thing, but from the inside are part of being on my own place on the spectrum, including the tendency to trip over or stumble into things I know are there, an inability to recall anything from the last seconds or minutes, yet the ability to recall tiny details from many years ago, the routines I need to help me through every day, and the degree of anxiety it causes when routines are lost. I also have stims which look very much like rather ordinary behaviour, such as walking (albeit sometimes quickly and perhaps for miles), typing, rocking (when alone or to music), or even driving.

Because I am the only person in the world that knows how all these things combine together within me, to result in who and what I am, nobody else can necessarily see the entire picture.

And add to that the fact that I have good days and bad, that challenging days affect how I respond to external stimuli, that stress levels and anxiety affect how I can process a problem or a question into a response, and it could be very hard, I think, for anyone else to clearly read what makes me tick, and how to consistently interact with me.

To my mind, if you read what users post here and recognise yourself in a micx of others and their experiences, it is quite possibly because you are somewhere on the spectrum, and are recognising others as somewhat close to where you are in you ASD. We are, collectively, I think, sufficiently different in the way we perceive and function, that if you are being honest about yourself, it is unlikely you would feel 'at home' with us, if you really were not at home.

 

[Shamar]

Hi. I just joined this site yesterday and you can see how I got here if you read my first post in the introduction forum.

I have been trying so suss out whether or not I have ASD. I've already lived most of my life I would say, either in pain or in extreme solitude and isolation (or both). When I was younger, I don't think anyone knew about ASD, so it was not available to me as an explanation as to why I didn't fit in anywhere and to why I was having such a hard time in life.

As I read some of the posts on this site, and the responses I have gotten on here, it almost feels like coming home. I get tears in my eyes even, reading about some people's experiences and thoughts, because they are mine too.

I would like anyone here, especially with this diagnosis, if you want to, to share with me in this thread, what you think makes you an "Asperger," so I can come to understand more what it means and deduce more precisely if I am one or not, or how I differ from you.

I have several reasons for believing I am not an "Asperger", if I go strictly "by the book." For one thing, I do use these turns of phrase, idioms, figurative language like "by the book" and "par for the course," as well as poetic and abstract language and don't interpret it literally. I am also not an intellectual. Yet for years I have felt an affinity and an understanding for autistic persons and have looked into the possibility that I was autistic, but concluded I am too emotional, too good at reading people's emotions and feeling their emotions, plus too stupid to be autistic or have ASD. However, what I lack in intellect, I think I more than make up for in emotional intelligence, so much that I end up having the same traumatic or mind-boggling experiences of society and people that a lot of you seem to have.

So, for example, I am very sensitive to loud noises, angry or chaotic people, violence (ie in someone's voice even), seeing people pretending to be a way that they are not (phonies), I'm not fond of talking, social phobic, rather be alone. Many things and I don't know which of them are characteristic of ASD, but I seem to experience the world very similarly to many people on here.

I have thought, perhaps there is an emotional version of ASD. As so many things in our world, the extreme ends of a line will end up meeting each other, and we realize it's not two extremes on either end of a line, but it turns out to be a circle, where the two extreme ends meet. So maybe emotion and intellect meet together, like two opposites which actually complement one another. I feel like I and the difficulties I face in my life due to my ability to read emotions and obtain psychological insight into people (and my lack of logic and intellect) could be alleviated by the non-emotional, intellectual-minded Aspergers, and perhaps I could also help them in turn. It seems good to be different in this case, as a symbiotic relationship.

I would also like to say that after reading some things on this site, I think the whole label of ASD should be abolished and everyone else should be labeled mentally ill, because the people on this site make so much sense to me, and what doesn't make sense are the people I have found until this point in my life. I don't understand how they can be deemed sane and I can be deemed insane. They aren't even real.

Welcome to the Family. Glad to see you have finally found understanding and a home of sorts..

You say you have lived most of your life not knowing you were ASD, or if you even are. I was first diagnosed at the age of 60, without ever suspecting ASD. Being diagnosed late in life is not unusual, and there are others here with similar stories. All I knew is that I could never fit in with social life. Like you, I grew up lonely and isolated (and bitter).

As far as what makes me an Aspie, I don't know. I certainly have some of the characteristics; athletically inept despite good motor skills, high functioning but no social skills, misinterpreting things said to me. I also have other characteristics not usually associated with Asperger's, such as PDD-NOS.

You seem to have a lot of the characteristics. Bear in mind that Aaperger's is only a subdivision of autism, and it is not unusual to be on the spectrum without being an Aspie.

You are not sure if you are ASD. Take the online tests and learn as much as you can. The more you know, the better you can understand yourself. THAT is the important thing.

 

[Hadarian]

What a great collection of experiences. I've read every post and am grateful for them all.

As I was reading, some painful memories have come back to me.

@HidinginPlainSight Your post brought me back to days when I lived in Finland and one night in particular when I was "dragged" out to a dance bar by the sole "friend" I had there. She wanted to dance with men. She often went out to do so, because she was single and missed the closeness of a man. So this one night I went out with her was horrible. She abandoned me and left me on my own. On top of the awful environment with the loud music and drunk people, men came up to me left and right (in Finnish, mind you) hitting on me, asking me to dance and most were drunk. Typically the one who seemed to have his wits about him and was sober didn't hang around. Finally I ran into the women's bathroom in tears to get away from them and just cried there. My "friend" wanted to stay and I had no way to get home, so I had to wait.

@Mia I recognized so much in what you wrote--watching from the sidelines, making a study--I've made a study of people and their behavior, psychology (as well as my own). The compulsion to replay interactions in my head to understand them, but also to beat myself up for not saying the right thing, or for saying nothing at all. I remember one day in the 90's on a bus in Ottawa in Canada, I was sitting by the window and a woman with a bag of groceries sat down next to me and she had some frozen can of juice in it or something and I jumped a little as it touched my leg, and she apologized. I didn't say anything back and I felt so bad about it, because she probably thought I was very rude. I didn't mean to be, but I don't know how to act.

I have this thing where I can feel people. I can't turn it off when I'm in an interaction either. So what happens is that I can dynamically feel what they are feeling in the throes of interacting with them and then instead of being "in" myself, I am actually with/"in" them, meaning that I am trying to respond to them in a way that will cause them to feel positive emotions or to be happy and not paying so much attention to myself in the moment. And those people have no idea what I'm doing either. In relationships of any kind it frequently results in me getting very hurt or neglected or emotionally abused or taken advantage of.

In other cases, I can't process what is happening in real time in an interaction because it is all happening too fast. Again when I was living in Finland, I got a phone call, it was a man who had dialed the wrong number (again, in Finnish) and he said to me that the voice on the phone sounded nicer than what he had expected. Before I knew what was happening, I had hung up the phone and realized I had agreed to go out to dinner with him that very night! I panicked and my heart felt like it was going to jump out my mouth. There was nothing I could do, because that man was on his way already. I ended up having a horribly awkward date with him. Awkward for me, anyway. I hardly spoke on it.

I had such a traumatic upbringing, was emotionally and mentally abused by all 3 of my family members, and I became aware in my 30's that I am much more sensitive and empathetic than average people, so I just always thought I was so messed up and suicidal, depressed, phobic because I was ultra-fragile and emotionally abused and neglected, violent tempers in my family, a violent divorce, being kidnapped a couple times by the father and things like that, bullied in school, social outcast. And on top of all that, also seemed to be fundamentally abnormal by the standards of our society. And most of my adult life I haven't had a stable home, right up until this very moment, homeless a few times too. What an utter disaster this life has been... I never belonged or fit in anywhere and never seem to be able to stay anywhere I go. To give you an idea, at the end of this month I will be moving for the 13th time since my breakdown in 2008 (13x, 10 years). Several of these are international moves too.

Yes, we do. Welcome home.

Thanks--I didn't think I'd ever make it. I feel like I found my people <3.

 

[Hadarian]

You are not sure if you are ASD. Take the online tests and learn as much as you can. The more you know, the better you can understand yourself. THAT is the important thing.

I did take one common test twice. The one with 50 questions. The first time I got 30 and the second time I got 33; there are a few questions that can go either way. I will have to go to the health center where I live, but it's not likely they will help me, due to the bureaucratic nature of the health care system here. I also have an aversion to psychiatrists and their drug-pushing.

 

[Robin Winter]

The Aspie Quiz is particularly good with a good reputation. You can find it here http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

 

[MrSpock]

I also have an aversion to psychiatrists and their drug-pushing.

Understandable. I don't know about the system where you live, but here it's possible to request a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist. Whereas psychiatrists tend to try to help with drugs, psychologists tend to just listen and talk.

 

[Hadarian]

A couple more things:

What does "stimming" and "flapping" mean?

And I just want to say that I love how everyone is so different in such a variety of ways and how we can all complement each other . This is why I have suggested in another post somewhere, that maybe we are the true normal ones and the "mask people" (those considered normal by society at large) are the abnormal ones. And the only reason we allegedly can't function well in this society, is precisely because they are the ones who have built the structure, the foundation and made all the rules. It's their world. And look at what a world they have made...

 

[AO1501]

A couple more things:

What does "stimming" and "flapping" mean?

And I just want to say that I love how everyone is so different in such a variety of ways and how we can all complement each other . This is why I have suggested in another post somewhere, that maybe we are the true normal ones and the "mask people" (those considered normal by society at large) are the abnormal ones. And the only reason we allegedly can't function well in this society, is precisely because they are the ones who have built the structure, the foundation and made all the rules. It's their world. And look at what a world they have made...

'Stimming' is a 'self-stimulating' behaviour, often something like rocking back and forth (or walking or pacing in my case), or playing repetitively with a particular object. It is for purposes of helping to self regulate stress and anxiety levels.

'Flapping' is flapping one's hand in front of one's face, or within the range of vision (it is a common form of stim for people on the spectrum).

Sadly, while many of us do have a great deal to offer in terms of positive benefits in relationships, the workplace and in society as a whole, we are far from being the 'normal' ones. Unfortunately there are more of them than of us. Which means that indeed, the reason we often fail to function well in society as a whole is because it is 'them' who have built the society we live in, not us. Their rules, based on their societal needs.

 

[Robin Winter]

We should all get an island somewhere and start fresh. "Hey, you guys wanna join us for dinner tonight?" "Nope" "Awesome!"

 

[Robin Winter]

All the stores would have rows of stim toys in the impulse buy section

 

[Hadarian]

The Aspie Quiz is particularly good with a good reputation. You can find it here http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

What a very thorough test that was, with a lot of interesting questions. I don't think I've ever been asked if I like spinning in circles before .

Oh, I got 125 of 200. It doesn't give any information on where the cut-off limit is for ASD. It said I was probably an "Aspie" though.

 

[AO1501]

What a very thorough test that was, with a lot of interesting questions. I don't think I've ever been asked if I like spinning in circles before .

Oh, I got 125 of 200. It doesn't give any information on where the cut-off limit is for ASD. It said I was probably an "Aspie" though.

It's really the plot it gives a result that is telling in terms of where you are on or off the spectrum. If the plot is mostly over the 'Neurodiverse' side of the graph, you are likely an Aspie on the high functioning end of the spectrum. If the plot is mostly on the 'Neurotypical' side, you are likely not on the spectrum, though you might have Aspie characteristics.

Along with your Neurodiverse Aspie score of 125, there should have been a Neurotypical score too, likely rather below 100.