Share about your ASD-I want to understand

[Hadarian]

Hi. I just joined this site yesterday and you can see how I got here if you read my first post in the introduction forum.

I have been trying so suss out whether or not I have ASD. I've already lived most of my life I would say, either in pain or in extreme solitude and isolation (or both). When I was younger, I don't think anyone knew about ASD, so it was not available to me as an explanation as to why I didn't fit in anywhere and to why I was having such a hard time in life.

As I read some of the posts on this site, and the responses I have gotten on here, it almost feels like coming home. I get tears in my eyes even, reading about some people's experiences and thoughts, because they are mine too.

I would like anyone here, especially with this diagnosis, if you want to, to share with me in this thread, what you think makes you an "Asperger," so I can come to understand more what it means and deduce more precisely if I am one or not, or how I differ from you.

I have several reasons for believing I am not an "Asperger", if I go strictly "by the book." For one thing, I do use these turns of phrase, idioms, figurative language like "by the book" and "par for the course," as well as poetic and abstract language and don't interpret it literally. I am also not an intellectual. Yet for years I have felt an affinity and an understanding for autistic persons and have looked into the possibility that I was autistic, but concluded I am too emotional, too good at reading people's emotions and feeling their emotions, plus too stupid to be autistic or have ASD. However, what I lack in intellect, I think I more than make up for in emotional intelligence, so much that I end up having the same traumatic or mind-boggling experiences of society and people that a lot of you seem to have.

So, for example, I am very sensitive to loud noises, angry or chaotic people, violence (ie in someone's voice even), seeing people pretending to be a way that they are not (phonies), I'm not fond of talking, social phobic, rather be alone. Many things and I don't know which of them are characteristic of ASD, but I seem to experience the world very similarly to many people on here.

I have thought, perhaps there is an emotional version of ASD. As so many things in our world, the extreme ends of a line will end up meeting each other, and we realize it's not two extremes on either end of a line, but it turns out to be a circle, where the two extreme ends meet. So maybe emotion and intellect meet together, like two opposites which actually complement one another. I feel like I and the difficulties I face in my life due to my ability to read emotions and obtain psychological insight into people (and my lack of logic and intellect) could be alleviated by the non-emotional, intellectual-minded Aspergers, and perhaps I could also help them in turn. It seems good to be different in this case, as a symbiotic relationship.

I would also like to say that after reading some things on this site, I think the whole label of ASD should be abolished and everyone else should be labeled mentally ill, because the people on this site make so much sense to me, and what doesn't make sense are the people I have found until this point in my life. I don't understand how they can be deemed sane and I can be deemed insane. They aren't even real.

 

[Phanelope]

I’m going to try to remember to reply to this in one month after I get the results from my assessment, but you have similar concerns to what I had. I thought I was too empathetic, imaginative and enjoyed/understood humour and sarcasm too much. But the people who contribute here have got amazing empathy (I feel more supported here than on any other forum I’ve been on), they are extremely imaginative and their written language skills are amazing (and poetic), and they also have some amazing wit and sense of humour. I’m still trying to see past the stereotype.

 

[LearnedCoward]

I would like anyone here, especially with this diagnosis, if you want to, to share with me in this thread, what you think makes you an "Asperger," so I can come to understand more what it means and deduce more precisely if I am one or not, or how I differ from you.

I was diagnosed with Autism in early childhood. My problems aren't as severe now as they were then, mainly because I've been able to adapt to them. They didn't magically go away into thin air though. They are still there underneath the surface, but I'm doing a better job of coping with them.

I have sensory issues. Bright artificial lights and loud sounds bother me, as do weird textures. For example, I can't drink out of styrofoam cups because the texture is too much for me, and clothes really bother me as well. Things that most people consider to be fun I consider overwhelming to the point of physical pain. I don't understand why coffee shops, grocery stores, etc need to have background music, because it adds nothing and only disorients me.

I am mostly unaware of my own emotions. I am unable to put a more complicated label on what I'm feeling than "good" or "bad", and sometimes not even that. Other people's emotions are a complete mind truck for me. I have to read facial expression and body language (which I do poorly) and then try to put a label on what they're feeling (again, I can't do this with myself), and then try to understand things from their unique perspective (I forget sometimes), then find the socially appropriate thing to say in response (uh oh). And that's if they're being straightforward and not passive-aggressive. I tend to think systematically, so there aren't many problems I can't figure out, but I have no native social skills. I am trying to learn these things piecemeal, from incomplete information, and it causes me a lot of stress.

I have several reasons for believing I am not an "Asperger", if I go strictly "by the book." For one thing, I do use these turns of phrase, idioms, figurative language like "by the book" and "par for the course," as well as poetic and abstract language and don't interpret it literally.

Um, I think that "book" is written mainly with small children in mind

I had a language delay when I was younger, and struggled with certain turns of phrase when I became verbal. However, that doesn't mean that I still do this as a middle-aged man. Idioms are more evocative than literal to me now, because I still picture them vividly, even though I know they don't carry the literal meanings they suggest.

Also, we Aspies do have a sense of humor! I love clever wordplay and obscure references.

I am also not an intellectual.

Not sure what this is supposed to mean.

I'm more of a pragmatist than an intellectual. I'm more interested in problem solving than navel gazing.* Of course, this means that I have to analyze the snot out of everything, because I have no natural social intuition and thus can't trust my "gut".

If you mean someone who approaches everything by thinking rather than feeling, then yes, I am an "intellectual". If you mean someone who studies ancient Greek poetry or whatnot, then no.

*How's that for a mental image?

I also know we're supposed to be huge sci-fi/fantasy nerds, but I never got into that stuff. Mostly, I wanted to distance myself from the "nerds" when I was growing up. I didn't read much sci-fi until I was in my twenties, but now I love it. I still avoid fantasy like the plague though.

[I'm imagining a scenario in which a plague is transmitted through books... this would make a decent sci-fi book... nah, it'll never work]

 

[Mr Allen]

It will be 19 years in October since I was diagnosed at the age of 23.

IMO since my diagnosis, my life has changed quite a bit, in some ways to the good, in other ways not so good, like I can't get a job because every time I declare being on the spectrum, my application gets binned by NT employers, despite "equal opportunities" laws saying they can't legally do that but they do anyway.

I mean yeah OK I've spent the last 20 odd years doing voluntary work, but it literally doesn't pay anything, I consequently have a 2 page CV of experience, and nobody will employ me in retail positions even though I have extensive retail experience having worked in a myriad of different Charity shops.

 

[Robin Winter]

The idea that aspies are incapable of empathy is extremely misguided. They actually have it in excess, and it overwhelms them. There's a disconnect between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. You may have simply learned to process it better than others. If you find that you can empathize but feel exhausted by it, then it's a definite possibility.

 

[Robin Winter]

And yes..."the book" is a set of criteria for children. It changes in adults as they learn to process, adapt and mask behaviors. That's why most psychologists won't attempt to diagnose adults. There are online resources though that you may find useful.

 

[LearnedCoward]

The idea that aspies are incapable of empathy is extremely misguided. They actually have it in excess, and it overwhelms them. There's a disconnect between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. You may have simply learned to process it better than others. If you find that you can empathize but feel exhausted by it, then it's a definite possibility.

Yes, this. I genuinely care about people, but don't know how to show it appropriately.

I also get overwhelmed easily when it comes to reading social cues. The whole process exhausts me to the point of overload.

I come across as cold and prickly in real life, but that's mostly due to my inability to read social cues in a way that doesn't exhaust me.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I have several reasons for believing I am not an "Asperger", if I go strictly "by the book."

There are a lot of stereotypes and misconceptions about ASD. Some of those stereotypes threw me off of thinking I am ASD because I do communicate well (or think I do) and I don't have any of the visual and artistic skills that all the autistic people in the headlines have.

After a counselor diagnosed me, I found this website and began to see what variety there is in people with ASD, and I began to let go of the stereotypes. Not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same symptoms, deficits, and talents. It's not just a spectrum, it's a multi-dimensional spectrum.

If you suspect you are ASD, I would recommend two possible actions:
1) Use this website (or others) to learn skills to help you with whatever troubles you.
2) Find a counselor and get a diagnosis from an expert.
If you can get what you need from 1), then 2) may not be necessary.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m an Aspie. Many people have trouble believing that, because I am not a walking stereotype. Instead, I am a warm and empathetic person, I have a good sense of humor and I don’t take everything literally.
However, other people can’t see the turmoil that goes on behind the scenes, so to speak. They can’t see the tremendous amount of effort that goes into simply being a functioning member of society some days.
They can’t hear the internal screams when I somehow get stuck talking to coworkers by the coffee machine.

 

[MrSpock]

I am not bothered so much by loud noises. I don't really enjoy nightclubs, don't enjoy shouting at people and being shouted at to make meaningless small talk, but it doesn't cause a meltdown or anything. "Autistic characteristics" are not things that all autistic people have in common, rather they're items in a grab-bag of potential characteristics of a person, if enough of these things are present to have a significant impact (whatever that is) on the person's life then they're autistic. This is not an official means of diagnosis, but a practical way of interpreting the relation of characteristics to people.

I am fairly sure that I have more emotion than most people. What is Aspergery about the relation between emotion and logic in me is that they are somewhat separated. Although emotion may affect my judgement and my choice of what to think about, my reasoning process itself is relatively uninfluenced by my emotional state. When I am experiencing intense emotion I am pretty much unable to think. I have trouble expressing emotion verbally. Occasionally it seems that I have a slightly different set of emotional triggers than most people, I experience the same emotion for a different reason, I seem to also transmit different non-verbal signals for a given state, again only occasionally. It might be better if they consistently misread me, that way they'd at least catch on that they shouldn't rely on my non-verbal signals (or my ability to read theirs), as it is they occasionally screw up royally, and have the expectation that I can reliably recieve messages that I do not recieve.

From my perspective (and I assume that this is Aspergery of me) the vast majority of people have a herd mentality which I do not. Although I sometimes find watching sports appealing it seems to me that part of the appeal for most people is a sense of belonging to a 'team' that all cheers for the same team, and maybe even part of a 'team' that enjoys that sport in general even when cheering for opposing teams. This herd mentality is taken advantage of by politicians in a way that is often very scary to me, and indicative of a social sickness. I see a disturbing similarity between modern political conventions, arenas full of people gathered to watch professional team sports, and the Nuremburg rally. Ugh. There seems to be something there in most people that can, and is often, used to control them for profit, power, whatever.

 

[LearnedCoward]

Some of those stereotypes threw me off of thinking I am ASD because I do communicate well (or think I do) and I don't have any of the visual and artistic skills that all the autistic people in the headlines have.

Yep. If there's a human interest story about one autistic person who is obsessed with vacuum cleaners, the public picks it up and runs with it and "OMG all Persons With Autism* are obsessed with vacuum cleaners!" It becomes an instant stereotype. If some high-profile autistic such as Temple Grandin says she thinks in pictures, then that tears it, all Persons With Autism are supposed to think in pictures now. In reality, we're not walking Autistic Trait Bingo cards, but well-rounded human beings.

* the "Politically Correct" term for us, given to us by NTs who are afraid of the word "autistic". I personally don't care for it.

It's not just a spectrum, it's a multi-dimensional spectrum

Definitely this.

 

[Hadarian]

Omg, thank you all for the replies. I am so overwhelmed right now. I got tears in my eyes while reading all of these, because you are all like me and I thought I was the only one like this, a freak of nature. You have no idea how I've suffered in my life, and done so being 100% alone. Alienated, completely misunderstood all the time, badly judged, a lone wolf. I was always so aware of being socially inept and in social interactions in my heart I always wanted to express something akin to love, but instead I come off as rude, because I can't find any words, or else I say something utterly stupid. Sometimes when socializing is happening too fast, I will say something that bears no resemblance to the truth, just because of the pressure I feel to respond and afterwards I will be like "Why the hell did I say that?? That wasn't even true!" And after every social interaction, I spend hours, or longer, dwelling on it and feeling horrible about how I responded and thinking "God, I wish I had said this instead! I feel so stupid and that person surely hates me now!" I feel terrible about myself until the passage of time piles enough experiences on top of it that I forget.

I also steer clear of herd mentality. Yet I've tried to find somewhere, some people where I could belong, and in so doing I tried to fit into different groups--most notably with Christians, but I kept getting issues with the things they said and how they weren't doing what they were preaching. In the end, I never joined a religion, because I simply couldn't believe all the things they required of me and do all the things their religion required, even though I could see that I, not being a Christian, was choosing to live my life more in accordance with the most basic moral pillars of their religion than they did. They tried to tell me to join the religion, but not hold to the most fundamental rules of the religion. I can't. So I have been going my own way in life by myself and I have no friends and I have never had a friend in my adult life. I don't join groups, because I insist on being free to develop my own thoughts and beliefs and groups try to force you to think a certain way and believe certain things.

Yes, it's those stories--for example, I saw a report about an autistic man who was taken up in a helicopter over England, or London, I can't quite remember, for half an hour or something and when they landed, he drew an incredibly detailed map with everything on it! I was like--there's no way I am one of them, I have no extraordinary talents like that. Then there was the movie Rainman, which is quite old now.

I am really trying to locate someone or a place in the country where I live to get tested. The reason is, if I am diagnosed with ASD, the system will be more supportive of me. I have no job and I haven't had one since I had a huge suicidal breakdown in 2008. I can't get a job, especially not the kind I studied here for, because I'm too sensitive to work with people. I worked very well with elderly with dementia--it's the "sane" people who I can't work with.

I’m going to try to remember to reply to this in one month after I get the results from my assessment, but you have similar concerns to what I had. I thought I was too empathetic, imaginative and enjoyed/understood humour and sarcasm too much. But the people who contribute here have got amazing empathy (I feel more supported here than on any other forum I’ve been on), they are extremely imaginative and their written language skills are amazing (and poetic), and they also have some amazing wit and sense of humour. I’m still trying to see past the stereotype.

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

[LearnedCoward]

Yes, it's those stories--for example, I saw a report about an autistic man who was taken up in a helicopter over England, or London, I can't quite remember, for half an hour or something and when they landed, he drew an incredibly detailed map with everything on it!

Stephen Wiltshire. He is definitely one of a kind.

Bring me up on a helicopter and give me a canvas, and all you're gonna get is vomit all over the canvas.

I was like--there's no way I am one of them, I have no extraordinary talents like that.

Very few of us do. Something like 1 in 10 of us have special innate talents, and we are about one or two percent of the population. So, if all else is equal, my town has something like 100 autistic savants, statistically speaking. Of course, I don't know this for a fact, because none of them are special enough to make the news.

Many savant skills are relatively boring, like absolute pitch, eidetic memory, synaesthesia, etc. I have absolute pitch because I see music in color in addition to hearing it, but I am not a trained musician. I play competently, but there's a world-class music school down the street from me that churns out better musicians than me in every class.

Another thing about the 1 in 10 statistic is that it means that most of us don't have any special talents, not even a little.

Then there was the movie Rainman, which is quite old now.

The funny thing is, the real Rain Man was neither autistic nor intellectually disabled. He had an extremely rare neurological disorder. He also had savant abilities that had never been seen before in anyone.

 

[MrSpock]

Omg, thank you all for the replies. I am so overwhelmed right now. I got tears in my eyes while reading all of these, because you are all like me and I thought I was the only one like this, a freak of nature. You have no idea how I've suffered in my life, and done so being 100% alone.

Yes, we do. Welcome home.

 

[tducey]

30 yrs. this year since I got diagnosed. What makes me Aspie? My inability to do certain things but also my ability to remember dates and other quirky info.

 

[Dillon]

I feel like I’m ranting but this is what living with ASD was like for me personally:

I was diagnosed at 2 years of age I didn’t talk until I was 3-4 years old. Yeah my social cues were delayed but I eventually caught up though. I still have somewhat of difficulty of social issues like everyone else but I tend to manage. Its more better than it was during my childhood when I was stuttering pretty badly to the point I couldn’t dare to talk to anyone. Aside from that I was extremely shy and found it difficult to make friends and I still do at times. I find certain food textures to bother me such as the taste of bananas. I don’t like many people talking all at once which annoys me.

I was bullied at grade school like many people to the point i was physically beaten during my childhood. Middle school was the worst as I had no friends at all, some teachers were disrespectful and I was a complete mess realizing more about my disability. I was put in a special needs class for low functioning children and I hated it so much. I just did my homework while in that class since the kids did nothing except fool around and the teacher was lazy and rude only towards me. That was the last class of the day and I couldn’t wait for every day to be over but luckily I only had that class for 7th grade. It made no sense that I was making all As and Bs in every class even taking a honors science class and the school felt like I couldn’t take care of myself and thought they could “cure” me.

It got better when I was in high school only made a few friends. I never joined in any clubs or went to prom since I never had a girlfriend back in high school not did any one wanted to go out with me. I was more of a guy who kept to myself. I didn’t care about being popular or anything like that.

On a positive note I tend to remember things pretty well such as for example I had to memorize all my “being verbs” in order as an assignment in elementary school and I never looked I can still tell people the whole thing with no problem.
Biology is my favorite all time subject and I remember almost everything I’ve learned from some of the college courses in that subject. (I got a year and a half left until I earn my bachelors and will be working on a masters afterwards)

No one notices that I have aspergers at all unless I say something about it which I never do. people often see me as a cool average guy with a good sense of humor.

I have never met anyone in my life who has the same condition as I do until I came to this site a while back and I felt like I really belonged. I feel like at times I should be like the average person but at the same time mostly I’m fine with the way I am. I sometimes forget I even have it.
I’ve learned that having aspergers doesn’t define who I am as a person. I use to think negatively about myself in how I feel different from the average person that why do I belong in this world?? I’ve felt this way most of my childhood and teenage years but I learned over the years from positive experiences and events to change my mindset because in reality I have a good life ahead of me. I still sometimes feel negative about myself but not to the point where I just want to give up on myself, life will get more better.

 

[Mia]

When I first came to the site, three years ago, my husband had been diagnosed with HFA. I was looking for insight into his autism.

Began reading about how autism presents differently in females. And realized that I was autistic as well. It was a surprise after fifty years of not knowing, realizing that the 'missing link' seemed familiar. Coupled with the fact that my younger and closest sister is also autistic. I began to recognize traits in my own biological family as well, the more I knew about autism.
https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress....sperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/
https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com...pergers-syndrome-checklist-by-samantha-craft/

Have been on my own since I was sixteen, moved away to a city by myself and worked and put myself through college and university. For many years it was hard going. Being quite independent when young, found myself unafraid to pursue the things I wanted to do. Was happy to be by myself every day after work and school. Required time alone to think and consider and replay conversations and occurrences to comprehend them.

Understand social interaction, I've made a study of it. Often it seems much like watching a play from the sidelines while part of it. As soon as I can, I find a way to remove myself from it. And it takes time to recover from social interaction, find it exhausting. Like you I am able to read emotions. I can walk into a room and after a time talking, can figure out the mental state of most people unless they hide their emotions. When I was a child it was mostly for self-preservation. Don't do it as much now, as it is debilitating and I'm so tired afterwards. Yet when people are emotional I pick up on it, even absorbing some of that emotion like a sponge.

When my husband was in hospital, I had to run thought the children's wing because I could feel the parent's and patients anxiety and stress. Even the hospital staff seemed on the edge, especially in the trauma care area that I had to walk through. So it is still there, that reading of other people, but now I have a little more control over it. Think I find other people in general face to face exhausting. Having realized this, the less I want to do it.

 

[Alis1998]

I dont think that every autistic person falls under every catogory that you mentioned. For example, I work as a hairdresser.
Meaning that I am working with people wich ofcourse means that I need to talk with my clients. But here comes the catch, I am not that social actually. Social interaction actually drains my energy level. Wich means onces I am home, I need to do activitys wich makes my energy level higher again.
Not every autistic people have social anxiety but that depends on every person on each there own. Just like neurotypicals can have social anxiety. But almost every person with autism can have struggles being social with ofcourse exceptions.
When we talk about emotions on the other hand, I can tell you something funny about the stereotype of autistic people not or barely having emotions. We actually do feel emotions and actually way too much! Wich can cause an emotional breakdown or meltdown. Mostly that makes us even more emotional or in my case, numb. When I have that then I dont even feel hunger or the taste of my food for example.
Also about the sensory process autistic people have: Its never the same.
Some autistic people can have severe reactions to touch, sound, visual, tasting, smell and more. But that doesnt mean as an autistic person that you have problems as well.
A note to the IQ test, it all depends on the day and mostly an IQ test isnt worth value to a person with autism consindering all the factors that can occur before the test.
Meaning for example : A stranger taking a text, probably first making social interreaction asking if you are feeling right, how your day was and if you are ready to do the test. Then ofcourse maybe a new invoriment, probably with diffrent sounds then you are used to, maybe there are cars outside wich can cause a diffrent level of attention towards the test. Maybe there are bright lights in the building, or the sun is clearly active on the day. Also maybe you are already triggered by the food you ate, or other things wich are related to the sensory process. Maybe something negative happend the day or week before you took the test, wich can cause unnoticeable thoughts wich can get in the way. This all can cause a lower IQ result.
even I was in the situation that I once scored 68 instead of 102. And not every autistic people is smart. Also there are more IQ test then the usual, wich are also mostly more tiring but better in making the result clear and more expanded to an autistic person. Once I am home I will look up wich test I took.
About litteral talk, poetiric and many other things , we not always can understand but some autistic people do.
Besides that, consider that austism spectrum disorder was actually diffrent in the past, it used to be either : Classic autism, PDD NOS or Asperger.
Not every autistic person is the same! Please keep that in mind.

 

[Ezra]

I was diagnosed severely autistic when I was 3. These days I'm considered moderate to severe. I'm not just merely autistic, I'm most sincerely autistic. However there's a lot of stereotypes and traits I don't have or exhibit. Or have them to a mild degree.

I communicate quite well at least on forums, I've been told I have a good sense of humor and good at sarcasm. Insightful and understanding and so on. I don't flap my hands etc.

People new to Aspergers usually feel like they need to be able to check off a list of stereotypes, traits, criteria. But the old saying goes that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. And I have met a lot of autistic people irl so I know this to be true.

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm more of a pragmatist than an intellectual. I'm more interested in problem solving than navel gazing.

Literal mental image of staring at someones bellybutton....