Share about your ASD-I want to understand

[Robin Winter]

My scores were 172 Aspie, 41 NT

 

[Hadarian]

It's really the plot it gives a result that is telling in terms of where you are on or off the spectrum. If the plot is mostly over the 'Neurodiverse' side of the graph, you are likely an Aspie on the high functioning end of the spectrum. If the plot is mostly on the 'Neurotypical' side, you are likely not on the spectrum, though you might have Aspie characteristics.

Along with your Neurodiverse Aspie score of 125, there should have been a Neurotypical score too, likely rather below 100.

Yes, it said 89.

 

[AO1501]

Yes, it said 89.

On that basis, and given that mine were 147 and 48 respectively, and from your observations here, I would say that would likely place you on the spectrum, that your plot would likely lean to the right - the Neurodiverse side of the graph, notably, if not dramatically.

I would also add that if answering those questions with total honesty, there is always going to be a tendency for any 'masking' efforts you have made over time (trying to conform and be more like everyone else) to impact the score a little towards the Neurotypical.

Reason then to think that in autismforums.com, you are more likely to have found your home than not.

 

[Hadarian]

On that basis, and given that mine were 147 and 48 respectively, and from your observations here, I would say that would likely place you on the spectrum, that your plot would likely lean to the right - the Neurodiverse side of the graph, notably, if not dramatically.

I would also add that if answering those questions with total honesty, there is always going to be a tendency for any 'masking' efforts you have made over time (trying to conform and be more like everyone else) to impact the score a little towards the Neurotypical.

Reason then to think that in autismforums.com, you are more likely to have found your home than not.

For me, it doesn't even matter if I qualify as autistic or not--I understand you people and you understand me. I have never met any one person like this, ever, so with or without Asperger's, I feel like I fit in somewhere for the first time in my life ever. I didn't think there were people I could ever fit in with in this world.

What is interesting is that it was so many years ago that I first saw similarities between myself and people who were called autistic (severely autistic). I could relate to the sensitivities to sound, for example, even if my sensitivities to it were not debilitating. I also happened to get along quite well with the elderly who have dementia. It was so much easier for me to understand them than "normal" people. And the "normal people" don't understand the ones with dementia.

I understand the "mentally ill" better than the "mentally healthy". What saddens me, however, is how disempowered and helpless they are made to feel in human society, and how our society turns them into victims, convinces them that they are victims and at the mercy of the "healthy" ones. I say "them" here because I personally don't feel like a victim or at their mercy. Also, I never really got any help from the social system with my suffering or emotional problems. Ever.

 

[AO1501]

For me, it doesn't even matter if I qualify as autistic or not--I understand you people and you understand me. I have never met any one person like this, ever, so with or without Asperger's, I feel like I fit in somewhere for the first time in my life ever. I didn't think there were people I could ever fit in with in this world.

What is interesting is that it was so many years ago that I first saw similarities between myself and people who were called autistic (severely autistic). I could relate to the sensitivities to sound, for example, even if my sensitivities to it were not debilitating. I also happened to get along quite well with the elderly who have dementia. It was so much easier for me to understand them than "normal" people. And the "normal people" don't understand the ones with dementia.

I understand the "mentally ill" better than the "mentally healthy". What saddens me, however, is how disempowered and helpless they are made to feel in human society, and how our society turns them into victims, convinces them that they are victims and at the mercy of the "healthy" ones. I say "them" here because I personally don't feel like a victim or at their mercy. Also, I never really got any help from the social system with my suffering or emotional problems. Ever.

I understand exactly what you are saying, and it is a fairly common theme here for people to post about how they have always felt outside the system and not part of it, but only discovered why much later in like - indeed, that is my story too, and I was even married for many years to a Neurotypical person, and realised many years later that I had worked hard to pretend I wasn't like me, and was much more like her instead.

And no, our 'normal' brothers and sisters have very little comprehension of what autism is, or what it is like to have it. Hardly a surprise, it is still not a mainstream topic, though at least a little more widely and publicly discussed than it was barely even 20 years ago.

And unfortunately, our 'normal' brothers and sisters also largely ignore all the invisible disorders, disabilities and deficits that exist. We do tend to discuss that here from time to time!!

In any event, a belated 'WELCOME' to you!!!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Aura Celeste, I can relate to your post almost 100%, and I will explain why.

I too am unsure if I have Autism. Although my wife and I definitely do have two small Autistic children, with all the core signs and symptoms being there for each but at different levels and shown in different ways, and each now having numerous diagnoses stating such, I am unsure about myself, so came to this sight partially to learn more and to find some group I could relate to myself, besides trying to just understand better our sons.

However, although from the surface I have some signs and symptoms of Autism, there are big differences between my children and I, and it relates to what you say about yourself. I too am very fine with idioms and do not take all things literally. I too am extremely aware not only of others' actions, expressions, mannerisms and inactions, from a lifetime of analyzing from distance, but I am very self aware too. I too have very high emotional intelligence.

I also grew up in a traumatic environment, where I became extremely withdrawn, socially phobic, and fearing criticism and rejection because of very low self-esteem. I became a loner out of a need to protect myself from further harm, as I felt I was so shy looking and acting, and as I could not respond appropriately to others quickly enough to be liked. This did not mean I did not want friends, but just that I found it draining and impossible trying to fit in. I knew they would critique or reject me for appearing shy, foolish or not appropriate in what I said.

I was programmed growing up I was no good and so I must please others and make them happy, and to be one step ahead of them by analyzing their intentions, or else more harm would come to me. Being very shy and avoidant, and listening and watching more, this made me me analyze everything more. And as I was taught I must be perfect, I knew I had to bat ideas in my head over and over again, until it made sense or I had a solution.

Thus, I could not be near those others, not only because of social fear, and fear of rejection and being negatively evaluated, but because I knew more bad things would occur as I could not live up to standards they expected of me or that I placed on myself because of a need to be liked. Only after being by myself could I think clearer and recuperate from the harm from being near another.

Anyone that appeared or acted normal was off limits for me, as I learned through years of failed communications and experiences there, unless forced to have an exhange with such persons for some reason. Talks were very brief and polite as possible, or with me saying something I would later regret, as I was just trying to make them happy without thinking of myself. This meant trying to figure everyone out, and to being extremely vigilant but in a discrete as possible way.

Your extreme sensitivity to loud sounds, anger, violence, persons who are fake, and persons who do wrong is very like me. Think about it. If we grew up being abused, yellled at, shunned, for trying to do good things through great effort and trying to please others, without reciprocal kindness in return, why would we tolerate or not feel harmed by that as an adult? It's as if we are subconscioysly saying, "Ok, if you did not like us when we were trying to be perfect, and when we were trying to sacrifice ourselves to be someone else to be liked or fit in, giving so much wasted effort in the process, then you change and be better yourselves or we can judge you supposedly more typical persons, too.

On this site I thus never assumed any doctor had all the answers, for my specific situation, nor am I very religious as I love debating and analyzing things, yet many professionals and religious persons want me to accept things as the truth and no questions asked. Sorry, but that is not me. I may listen to other professional and other input, but I make my own decisions based on analyzing everything. I do not assume everything I see and hear to be true, as often persons can lie, mask, have agendas, or follow instead of lead with new, creative and wise opinions. I finally got married at age forty, after findng a woman for me, but only after many years of self help, and after thorough analysis of what it was I really wanted and needed in life.

Personally, since childhood, I was diagnosed with Social Phobia, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and later on with OCD, but with some perfectionist traits and moralistic thinking that could be partly OCPD now, as the once ocd rituals in childhood and early twenties changed to just more perfectionist thinking, and discomfort with immorral and unethical persons. My Autism score was low, and my NT score 2-3 times higher, and I have no motor issues, little if any sensory issues, and still avoidance of others, poor eye contact, but I think that is from still very low self esteem. The sensitivity to loud sounds is more a trigger from the yelling and screaming growing up, than it is a physically painful issue. I canmot rule out Autism for me, but think I likely was diagnosed correctly.

 

[Hadarian]

@Dadwith2Autisticsons

Well, for me I am so happy even just to find so many people who are so self-aware and have analyzed themselves so much that they can describe themselves as they do--"normal" people don't do this. They are totally unconscious and have no interest in knowing themselves, much less in self-improvement.

For the record, I never tried to good things. I got abused just for existing. I tried to disappear, become invisible as much as I could, almost never spoke, but sometimes got bullied into it by my father, so then I'd say as little as possible, like "Ok" and then continued to get bullied for giving such a short answer in such a suppressed tone.

I never got help until I got away from my family. I was diagnosed in my 30's with severe depression and anxiety.

I believe in doctors just as much as I believe in religions. I don't make decisions based on my analyses though, because I am not an intellectual person. I am intuitive and so almost all decisions I ever make have an intuitive basis. And my intuition never seems to lead me astray nowadays. So I am quite happy this way. I analyze to understand, but I don't guide my life by my analyses, but by my intuition.

Nice that you finally managed to find someone to settle down with. I've entirely given up that aspect of life. It's too late and I don't think it was ever meant to happen for me. Evidently.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Things were really hopeless for me too. Our main words to our parents were, "yes," "no," and "I don' know," as we aged. Neither parent could be trusted, and were to be feared. They were clueless about raising children properly, as had their own severe issues. Throughout my school and college years I existed saying perhaps a few hundred words total, because of that social fear, very low self esteem and conditioning to keep everything inside. The teachers did not seem to care.

I quit all classes in college that involved any talking, but managed to finish in 6 years through part time study, despite daily depression, severe stress and anxiety, phobias, very poor concentration. I was not an intellectual. Math, which I majored in, came extremely hard. I succeeded there only because of repetitive thoughts in my head that said I needed to give the best effort despite those courses never coming natural to me. I was left alone in math classes which was good, and why I majored in that, so I focused on that. I rather have majored in psychology or English, but wanted no courses where I would have to talk through presentations, or where I would have to be in groups, or remember many facts because of poor concentration and needs to remember everything, perfection issues.

Living alone from age nineteen to forty was very hard. I felt the unfairness of it all. Everyone with friends, familes, partners, while I was existing and surviving and not living. The internet, and 1-1 less scary indirect talks online there was my comfort, to battle loneliness. Had no choice but to apply for and get disability benefits, as I could not function at work. Quit all factory jobs attempted after my degree from university, after a day. Surely, no professional job employer would hire someone who couldn't talk but a word or two, and that could not relate to others. Heck, if I were that employer I would not hire me, as despite my empathy skills, I would know it would be a futile effort to hire me.

Eventually, after I got to my thirties, instead of worrying and obsessing about others' opinions about me, I evolved over time to either just avoiding more those persons, or just focusing on my own unique good qualities and great efforts. Admittedly, it also meant internally finding now fault with others too, instead of just blaming myself, as a way to increase my self esteem and function better. I found also though self-help ways to be more positive, worry less, build self-esteem and divert attention away from negative things. Even though my degree got me nowhere occupationally, it was the foundation to my future strength and hope, with a belief that I could succeed in my own ways despite the daily pains. The fact I survived a very bad upbringing, too, yet still was a good person, that gave me hope and uplifted me too.

This does not mean things have not been hard now, as I have extra responsibilities now as a husband, a father, and with trying my best to fulfill all of their needs. Also, I still feel disconnected from almost everybody else. I pass the time with our kids and my wife, and learn new things daily there and recieve some joy there, in making their lives better and happier, but I feel I am still not really happy, as I feel I could be doing more, or finding more things for me. Yes, I wrote books and did artwork, but I just do not have the time now for that, or many new things, but somehow will need to find the time, as I keep thinking the more happy I am, the more genuine will appear my happiness towards the ones in my life.

I am glad you have come to this group. I hope it will provide you with some friendly support, direction, or answers. In general, I feel if we embrace the good things about us, put forth good efforts, good things will eventually happen. We all can define our own successes though, regardless if little or small, and go at our own pace, and need not be like everyone else, as everyone has their own unique experiences, beliefs, talents, genetics and personalities. The fact you and others post here I see as a great thing, and a big step to learning, or being happier.

 

[Nason]

I mean yeah OK I've spent the last 20 odd years doing voluntary work, but it literally doesn't pay anything, I consequently have a 2 page CV of experience, and nobody will employ me in retail positions even though I have extensive retail experience having worked in a myriad of different Charity shops.

Hey Mr. Allen,

You gave me an idea: what if you declared you having ASD after you have interviewed/received the job?

I have a feeling that this may appear condescending (not my intentions)! Reason being is that I was meeting with a job councilor (at my university), and speaking with a Disabilities Specialist at the Mass Dept of Education... and they both suggested this as a strategy. What do you think?

 

[Nihil]

I usually have nothing to say to anyone in a real life conversation and I tend to keep to myself. I'm always uncomfortable in groups because of the expectation to socialize.

 

[Hadarian]

I usually have nothing to say to anyone in a real life conversation and I tend to keep to myself. I'm always uncomfortable in groups because of the expectation to socialize.

Me too. Although I would say I felt less uncomfortable and more bore and annoyed, because I feel/felt like I was being forced to waste my time. I always just sit quietly watching everyone else or else thinking completely different things in my head--as long as I didn't have to pay attention that is.