Sensitive Aspies: Peek-a-Boo with NTs

[Datura]

I actually have some pretty "zesty" friends, and seem to attract excessive talkers because I talk very little and will listen to them talk. Still, they do get on my nerves sometimes and I should really ask for more space instead of secretly resenting them.

As far as socializing is concerned; I find that I really need and crave it, but also have a lot of anxiety around the issue. If I do not Meet with other people I tend to become extremely introspective and self critical, leading into existential anxiety of literally cosmic proportions.
On the other hand; people can be very exhausting, and I have trouble in large groups. I often feel left out and wonder if I'm saying the right thing or inadvertently offending someone. I also usually find the topics of conversation uninteresting. I am fine with the sensory aspect though (one reason I am probably not an aspie) save that it can sometimes make it impossible for me to focus and I completely lose track of your what is going on.

I often find myself facing anxiety in anticipation of meeting people and going to parties. This prompts me to withdraw into my own little world and sometimes cancel. I hate to cancel though because it is very rude and one of my main frustrations when it comes to trying to meet with mu friends. It just seems like too much effort sometimes.

 

[Ellylldan]

For me it depends very much on people around. Generally, I'm very cautions in social situations and mostly just stay there being invisible and observing. Sometimes I can actually enjoy being around a certain kind of "zesty", very confident folks, especially if I'm not being pushed to actively participate. I know a few cool very social persons that I really like and admire but also feel a bit intimidated by them, somehow, by their overwhelming energy. Interestingly, sometimes people of this kind find me with my quirks cute (how they say) and they become protective of me for some reason. When it happens, I feel accepted to a certain point, even if I know I would never be able to be on the same level with them.. But at least in these cases I can stop worrying and try to enjoy the party or whatever it is. But this is a pretty exceptional kind of a situation, anyway.

It's always very hard for me to connect with people. Most of times, when around people, I am pretty open for a potential socialisation. Awkward, as always, but I try to remember to smile and be friendly. I mean, I don't actively look for a chat but don't avoid people either, unless my batteries are low. And here is very important a whole energy thing about the place, people in general and persons near me. If I feel a hint of hostility, anger (not necessarily towards me), or just something negative, I hide in my shell immediately and then I can be easily affected also by sounds, lights, smells, people, and get jumpy and overwhelmed as a result. When the situation is friendly and I feel positive vibes around, I do better. Well, I also don't meet very often people I actually want to talk to, but that is another question, I guess.
Mostly I get along well with people that love nature and have a sense of humour and a kind heart (some of them are real rockers and may look intimidating. What they say about deceiving appearance? Hehehe.). Well, and having something in common with a person helps a big time, too!

Edit: I forgot to write something. All I wrote above, it was about when I am out on my own, that happens pretty rarely. When I'm out with my husband, I basically become his shadow..

 

[epath13]

Has anyone got the feeling that you are in your shell while trying to socialize, then peek out just a wee bit... GET SCARED!!... then zip back into your shell? I find that I am extremely hypersensitive to many things while socializing-- loud sounds, strong scents, a perceived snub, any intense facial expressions. BAM! Back in my shell, all frustrated and lonely again. Trapped behind a wall, wanting so very much to connect.

I feel frustrated with myself, with my own sensitivity. It is hard when all I want to do is connect, be kind. It feels like my kindness stays in my shell with me. How annoying for others, too, in that I must be handled softly in order for me to remain engaged. I don't mean to be this way. Anyone else feel so? Do you select very gentle, soft-natured friends? Limit your exposure to excitable, zesty folks? Has anything helped your sensitivity? Thoughts?

For me it's a little bit different. Sometimes I get out of my shell... completely... and for some reason I end up hurting other people's feelings (even though in most cases I don't even talk about them), confuse people or make them worried about me (I don't understand why either) on occasion my out-of-shell travels lead to positive experiences, but there's always a risk that the result is not going to be as uplifting.

At the other hand, I'm always totally "naked" in my art and music. Just like I say on my website, "Thought art I speak. Through art I seek for answers. Through art I express the truthfulness of self". Unfortunately many people don't want to see true me, they just wanted to see a reflection of me in the mirror of their perception... or maybe they just can't understand and do their best to interpret what they see...

I used to be afraid of being completely open, I didn't want to be hurt. Now I am still afraid but of being misinterpreted.

 

[Ellylldan]

I used to be afraid of being completely open, I didn't want to be hurt. Now I am still afraid but of being misinterpreted.

I so much understand what you mean. I get misinterpreted very often. I know I'm at fault in most of times, because I have problem expressing myself and often appear as something that I am not. It goes also for writing: probably it's the choice of words, I don't know. So often I write something, post it and then realise it could be understood in different ways, I'm always afraid accidentally offend or hurt someone. All this made me extremely self-conscious, more than I already was, that is. I still didn't find a way to resolve this thing for myself.. I hope I will one day.

And what you said about art, this is a common problem, I think. People tend to see it through the prism of their lives and everyone will see a different thing in the same piece of art. Very few will see the real you in your art, and those that will, they would have something in common with you: same experience, similar demon inside, or just would belong to your "world". That what I believe, I have no idea what the truth is.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Sometimes I want to connect. I'll study somebody, learn their sensitivities so I don't offend them, and go to great lengths to be friends. I'll open up a bit... And then they start whining and complaining about how they hate being around me because they have to be on eggshells around me because I'm "sooo easily offended". Completely oblivious to all the checks and balances I put myself through just for them! So I give tit for tat, get called a *****, and remind myself to try not to do something that stupid again in the future. I'm a hermit, no sense in trying to change my lot in life.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Sometimes I want to connect. I'll study somebody, learn their sensitivities so I don't offend them, and go to great lengths to be friends. I'll open up a bit... And then they start whining and complaining about how they hate being around me because they have to be on eggshells around me because I'm "sooo easily offended". Completely oblivious to all the checks and balances I put myself through just for them! So I give tit for tat, get called a *****, and remind myself to try not to do something that stupid again in the future. I'm a hermit, no sense in trying to change my lot in life.

I think you're hilarious! You use some of the same words I do - "tit and tat."

 

[Suzanne]

I just realized that I did not write my post very well at all. The insight I had was thanks to and from Suzanne saying that she feels pain from hiding, and I realized that my motivation to get out of my hidey-hole is less, since I've always liked hiding. I'm sorry Suzanne I hope my clumsy writing above didn't offend you.

Nooo you MOST certainly did not offend me. I ORDER you to stop that right now lol had no time to respond, but your post intrigued me and perhaps for me, it is because I WANT to join in, but the sound of their excitement freaks me out and just makes me crawl into a tiny bit of my mind.

My BIGGEST hang up is caring too much what people think of me. In one way, this is good, because I go out of my way to not be nasty, but it is counter productive, since I am EXPECTING them to be the same and when not, I don't deal with it.

Just the other day, this woman walked right up to ME and said hello and she had a HUGE friendly face. She IS really nice and very easy to talk to, but this time, I am not going to jump in and think I have a kindred spirit lol

I did this recently with someone and it blew up in my face. It really doesn't matter now about friendships. Just content with nice people lol

 

[Suzanne]

Sometimes I want to connect. I'll study somebody, learn their sensitivities so I don't offend them, and go to great lengths to be friends. I'll open up a bit... And then they start whining and complaining about how they hate being around me because they have to be on eggshells around me because I'm "sooo easily offended". Completely oblivious to all the checks and balances I put myself through just for them! So I give tit for tat, get called a *****, and remind myself to try not to do something that stupid again in the future. I'm a hermit, no sense in trying to change my lot in life.

Yes, that is how it is with me. You put it so much better than I could. I hate this: have to walk on egg shells, tactic, an excuse to be rude and offensive, basically.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Several ex-colleagues of mine describe me to others as sensitive, but I don't recognize myself in the opening paragraph. This is one conversation that interests me but I really have no idea where I sit on this scale. Is it possible to be both "sensitive" and "zesty" or are these mutually exclusive adjectives?

 

[Progster]

Yes, I find that I get overwhelmed by zesty types, too. I don't like it when people ask me a lot of questions about my life, especially when it's just for the sake of small talk and I know that they are not the slightest bit interested in me, what's the point? And I have a hard time with the type of person who always tries to make a joke out of everything, I can't do this back-and-forth jokey banter chatter. If a bunch of people are all talking together, laughing, joking and discussing, I just can't get into it, I don't feel it, I'm completely detached and it's just like watching TV, I'm on the outside looking in but not able to participate. Exchanges also all happen too fast for me to be able to process and reply. It's probably a cultural thing, but here they usually just leave me alone when I don't talk. If you don't join in, nobody will speak to you or try to include you in the conversation, no one will ask why you aren't talking. There are usually one or two of those zesty types there who dominate the conversation, and everyone heeds them and not me. When I make an effort to follow and say something, I usually get ignored. I feel like I'm invisible and just another part of the furniture. Perhaps it's better that way, because the pressure is off me to talk. I just get bored and swich off, and withdraw into my head. There's no point even in being there because I can't join in and I just get ignored anyway, I usually just leave. It used to upset me that I couldn't join in but not anymore, I just accept it now, I know this is a part of AS and I no longer blame myself or others.

 

[Guendolen]

Do you select very gentle, soft-natured friends?

Excellent thread, thank you for starting it. Yes, i agree with you. I find socializing very difficult and draining. I cannot stand strong sounds, strong smells and people talking non-stop. After an interaction like that i feel drained for days. So it doesn't worth the energy and time consumption most times/ Also, the majority of people tend to disappoint me to the extremes after some time. For example, i have a NT which i considered friend till yesterday. She was in general more kind than the average NT so i thought she was worth the try. It upset me though that she hardly messaged me first, although always reciprocating to my mails. She knows that i want to move to Japan and have been studying japanese for 3 years. Yesterday, i found an email from her saying ''are you sure you want to go to Japan SOME DAY?' with an article incerted saying all the reasons Japan sucks.
Since then i am furious at her. She doesn't have the time to send one proper friendly email but for this toxicity and negativity it ok? Also i consider her mail degrading to my goal setting because i have stated a specific date i want to go to Japan and not '''some day'' vaguely like an airhead.
I am done with this person. A NT usually would say that i burn bridges too easily, but to me if someone acts like that, i cannot stand them around anymore.
Sorry for venting but i am not going to waste any more time than the absolutely necessary professionally to interact with NT's. They are so not worth it.

 

[Judge]

The worst is when you try in your own way to reach out (not easy for many of us) and people just ignore you for whatever reason. Leaving you wondering for some time what happened, never really knowing why. Both NTs and Aspies. Yes, it can be exhausting, frustrating and a lonely vicious cycle.

Even more frustrating to look back on my life and realize that the few I have connected with, were almost all those who approached me first. Leaving me with a sense of not having any control over such situations to begin with. Small wonder I hardly try anymore.

A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. But truth be told, I'm neither of those.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think you're hilarious! You use some of the same words I do - "tit and tat."

It's too fun to say to not have it in my vocabulary. Probably a throwback to my days of reading Dr. Seuss.

Yes, that is how it is with me. You put it so much better than I could. I hate this: have to walk on egg shells, tactic, an excuse to be rude and offensive, basically.

Aye, quite frustrating. One thing I've noticed is that those who cry "offense!" the loudest tend to be very sensitive themselves. Which I'm also finding true in a lot of other subjects. The more somebody accuses me of something, the more likely it is that they do it themselves and are trying to take attention off of themselves.

 

[TragicKingdom]

I am like this, also. I rarely interact with other humans at this point. I have one friend and I have not seen her in two weeks.

I was at the grocery store the other day and realized how much I absolutely detest even indirect interaction with others. Just being around NTs, even if not in actual conversation, makes me nervous. So, I finished shopping and came straight back to my cave/apartment feeling worn out.

 

[epath13]

And what you said about art, this is a common problem, I think. People tend to see it through the prism of their lives and everyone will see a different thing in the same piece of art. Very few will see the real you in your art, and those that will, they would have something in common with you: same experience, similar demon inside, or just would belong to your "world". That what I believe, I have no idea what the truth is.

It's true (about art) that people see it through the prism of their perception.

Even thought I wasn't really talking about it. I should have started a new paragraph. Talking about not making myself clear

I think I was just making connection between words truthfulness and true self

What I was trying to say: I think that sometimes when I talk people get very confused and prefer not to listen, simply because they don't understand. And I don't believe it's anybody's fault. It's just like speaking different language.

I noticed my older son started doing that. He tries to express an idea or a feeling but if somebody, who doesn't know him well, listened they would not make the right connections.
For instance yesterday, he talked about excessive "girlishness" of a certain cartoon on TV. He spoke in his usual tone, which to some might sound arrogant. If a random person listened to him, they might think he dislikes "girly" cartoons or how stupid those cartoons are. What he was actually trying to say: why some cartoon presented as if they are only for girls, as if boys aren't allowed to watch them (he likes the cartoon)?

It's almost like 2 people from 2 different cultures talk and misinterpret each other.

I think all of us do it. It's not easy to be completely open to hear somebody who is very different from you. We do become attracted to similarities and build our opinions on them.

Long time ago I heard a few opinions about my unique way of self expression. One person advised to open up my world to others, and somebody would surely appreciate it. 2nd person said, that if I didn't speak the language of majority my ideas would go to waste, no matter how wonderful they were. The 3rd person said that I could try to explain that we all speak different languages, we are all different and I could teach them mine.

I think there's a seed of truth in all those statements. I think I might have to do all 3 in order to let people hear me. We all might need to do all 3 to be heard.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Tired of reading the posts about how NT's are not worth dealing with. Gotta tell you that SOME Aspies are also not worth dealing with. Just wanted to say it goes both ways.

 

[Ellylldan]

Tired of reading the posts about how NT's are not worth dealing with. Gotta tell you that SOME Aspies are also not worth dealing with. Just wanted to say it goes both ways.

Don't be sad, Grumpy Cat.
Just try not to take it personally? I think, this is just a "side effect" of a division all humans on neurotypical and neurodiverse, just like all the rest divisions and labels: gender, race, sexual orientation, even age and many others. I'm sorry, I'm not just trying to state the obvious, but my point is that it's unavoidable, I'm afraid. Sometimes there are moments when one can get frustrated and can say something like this. Probably it happens also to you sometimes to say something similar, maybe not about aspies, but about some other "group" of people. I know it happens to me sometimes, usually when I had too much of some attitudes, but it doesn't mean that I have something against those people in general. I don't like to lump all people together, and don't like to divide people in groups. It's the personality of an individual and the choices they make, that is important. All the rest... I don't care.

You're right, all the people are different, NTs or Aspies. And it surely goes both ways. In the end it all comes down to personality and personal choices. For instance, I know one person that I suspect being an Aspie, but I can't be near that person, there is zero compatibility. And I know some really amazing NTs. I don't want to pick sides. I think everyone should do their best to be respectful and nice to each other, even with difference of opinions.

But when something like this happens, I wanted to share this little trick to make it less disturbing for you: whenever you hear (or see) an aspie saying something about their frustration with NTs, you can try to say to yourself "oh, these aspies!" and smile.
I hope it will work for you. It works for me! That's why I wanted to share it. (I like to say it with the intonation of Gandalf when he mumbled "Hobbits!" in his beard when Merry and Pippin were having fun and smoking after Ents had destroyed Isengard, if you're familiar..) My issue is not with Aspies/NTs, though, with other generalisations, but it would work just the same, hopefully. I actually pretty often say just "Hobbits!".

I think, it's very human and being human, we all can say something like this at times. Unless someone is a Buddha, then probably they don't do it.

P.S. I have never talked to you yet, Grumpy Cat, but I felt your frustration in the comment and just wanted to help... Maybe you feel it's non of my business or I have crossed some line, in this case you can just discard my opinion.

(I hope I wasn't too much, I know, sometimes I can be, but I'm trying not to be...)

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Probably it happens also to you sometimes to say something similar, maybe not about aspies, but about some other "group" of people.

Howdy, Ellylldan! You're right, I've seen you in several threads, but I haven't had a chance to say anything yet and I don't know why that is. Anyway, I understand what you said and you're right about all people being different. I quoted the above because I really don't do that. I see each person as unique and treat them according to how I see them treating me and others.

I usually say something when someone makes broad negative statements about NT's because negativity just breeds more negativity and nothing good ever comes from it. That's another reason why I stay on this site is to show Aspies that there are some good NT's out there. And when someone does make a broad, negative comment about NT's, others should say something to that individual because in my mind it is no different than being racist - it's just against a certain "type" of people instead of a certain race.

 

[Julia 27]

The worst is when you try in your own way to reach out (not easy for many of us) and people just ignore you for whatever reason. Leaving you wondering for some time what happened, never really knowing why. Both NTs and Aspies. Yes, it can be exhausting, frustrating and a lonely vicious cycle.

Even more frustrating to look back on my life and realize that the few I have connected with, were almost all those who approached me first. Leaving me with a sense of not having any control over such situations to begin with. Small wonder I hardly try anymore.

A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries. But truth be told, I'm neither of those.

When I think about it all the friends I have actually made friends with me I don't think I have ever made friends with anyone first

 

[Ellylldan]

Thank you, gonzerd, for the reminder, I will try to be careful.

I see each person as unique and treat them according to how I see them treating me and others.

Grumpy Cat, that is very cool that you don't do generalisations about people. I'm still working on it. I mean, I see each person as an individual, too, but sometimes I can slip because of frustration. Rarely and only in the walls of my house, but still, it can happen. I guess, often feeling like not belonging to the human race and living outside of my original country, contributes to this feeing of not fitting in and adds frustration. Still, I'm fighting this kind of thoughts because I find this way of thinking harmful, first of all for myself.

Thank you for explaining your point of view. I see you have a problem with people saying certain things, and I understand what you mean. But I can also see why people may think that, probably because they had very hard experience. I'm not saying I agree, I'm saying I see where they're coming from.

I just thought that one cannot change the way others think but one can try to find a way to be less affected by a possible negative aspect of it. That's what I'm trying to do and that was the main idea of my previous message. That's all. Peace!