Sensitive Aspies: Peek-a-Boo with NTs

[Warmheart]

Has anyone got the feeling that you are in your shell while trying to socialize, then peek out just a wee bit... GET SCARED!!... then zip back into your shell? I find that I am extremely hypersensitive to many things while socializing-- loud sounds, strong scents, a perceived snub, any intense facial expressions. BAM! Back in my shell, all frustrated and lonely again. Trapped behind a wall, wanting so very much to connect.

I feel frustrated with myself, with my own sensitivity. It is hard when all I want to do is connect, be kind. It feels like my kindness stays in my shell with me. How annoying for others, too, in that I must be handled softly in order for me to remain engaged. I don't mean to be this way. Anyone else feel so? Do you select very gentle, soft-natured friends? Limit your exposure to excitable, zesty folks? Has anything helped your sensitivity? Thoughts?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Not much help here...I'm the same way. I want to connect...so badly...but can't. It's just too much. Very frustrating and depressing and painful.

I guess one thing I do that might help (a little, sometimes), I still spend time with people. Even though it hurts like h***, and all I can think about the whole time is getting back to my cave-space, even if it's just inside my head...there's something about just being around people, even when it hurts so much, that still helps me get through. I lower my expectations to zero, then just sit among them and let their lives happen around me. It's not a solution, and sometimes even that is more than I can handle, but at least it's something.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Has anyone got the feeling that you are in your shell while trying to socialize, then peek out just a wee bit... GET SCARED!!... then zip back into your shell? I find that I am extremely hypersensitive to many things while socializing-- loud sounds, strong scents, a perceived snub, any intense facial expressions. BAM! Back in my shell, all frustrated and lonely again. Trapped behind a wall, wanting so very much to connect.

I feel frustrated with myself, with my own sensitivity. It is hard when all I want to do is connect, be kind. It feels like my kindness stays in my shell with me. How annoying for others, too, in that I must be handled softly in order for me to remain engaged. I don't mean to be this way. Anyone else feel so? Do you select very gentle, soft-natured friends? Limit your exposure to excitable, zesty folks? Has anything helped your sensitivity? Thoughts?

You'd probably be hiding from me then. I get a little "zesty" if I know ya.

 

[watersprite]

Warmheart you seem like such a warm hearted person. I hop you find the right person &/or people for your friends. I gave up a few years back in trying to have friends. It just was tiring me out too much, and disappointing me. So now, I am on my own except for my offspring. It is peaceful.
I limit my exposure to as you put it, "excitable, zesty folks." I just have too hard of a time processing what is, or might be, or isn't going on. I still cannot tell, half the time, what is a joke, as in 'friendly joke', how to respond, or not, or if I am being maneuvered or bullied, or what. I tried volunteering recently, but the group of people were way too talkative. It got to be too hard to measure up. I am still looking for a volunteer position, but one in which I can focus more on doing rather than socializing.
Edited to add, I wasn't referring to you Grumpy Cat.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Warmheart you seem like such a warm hearted person. I hop you find the right person &/or people for your friends. I gave up a few years back in trying to have friends. It just was tiring me out too much, and disappointing me. So now, I am on my own except for my offspring. It is peaceful.
I limit my exposure to as you put it, "excitable, zesty folks." I just have too hard of a time processing what is, or might be, or isn't going on. I still cannot tell, half the time, what is a joke, as in 'friendly joke', how to respond, or not, or if I am being maneuvered or bullied, or what. I tried volunteering recently, but the group of people were way too talkative. It got to be too hard to measure up. I am still looking for a volunteer position, but one in which I can focus more on doing rather than socializing.
Edited to add, I wasn't referring to you Grumpy Cat.

No problem. Have you thought of volunteering in a shelter - maybe with the cats? They don't talk a whole lot.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

And "socializing" in a craft or knitting group might be something to look into. I remember in my knitting group we all sat around each other but there were long pauses because people were working on their projects.

 

[dragonless]

i feel/react very much as Warmheart and kestral described. Grumpy Cat, your idea to volunteer for a cat shelter was exactly what i attempted in January. It wasn't 'official,' only an "Ok, i'll try to be there." But when the day i planned to be there arrived, i panicked. i mean seriously, close all the drapes, turn off the phone, hide under the blankets kind of panic. And of course i've been feeling extremely guilty ever since. i want to connect, i need to try and get out more, i know i would be helpful and hard-working, but the reality is i am terrified of new situations or meeting new people.

 

[Judge]

I am still looking for a volunteer position, but one in which I can focus more on doing rather than socializing.

Good idea. Makes sense...takes the edge off basic socialization by putting a purpose to something first.

 

[Chris34]

It happens to me too!
It's really hard for me to engage into "small talk" or "chit chat", basically I have no idea whatsoever about what to do, say or think. However, rehearsing has helped me a lot. I try to practice before engaging into those situations. My therapist said that I only had 50% of the responsibility during a conversation. That's when it hit me. People like to be listened. The problem is that if someone asks me something I can't stop talking and I have a great problem trying to figure out if the person is getting bored or annoyed.
The same happens when I see a cute girl sitting next to me. I don't know how to talk to girls. But that's something I'll try to figure out later, it's not rocket science, is it?

 

[Julia 27]

Warmheart you seem like such a warm hearted person. I hop you find the right person &/or people for your friends. I gave up a few years back in trying to have friends. It just was tiring me out too much, and disappointing me. So now, I am on my own except for my offspring. It is peaceful.
I limit my exposure to as you put it, "excitable, zesty folks." I just have too hard of a time processing what is, or might be, or isn't going on. I still cannot tell, half the time, what is a joke, as in 'friendly joke', how to respond, or not, or if I am being maneuvered or bullied, or what. I tried volunteering recently, but the group of people were way too talkative. It got to be too hard to measure up. I am still looking for a volunteer position, but one in which I can focus more on doing rather than socializing.
Edited to add, I wasn't referring to you Grumpy Cat.

I agree
I am quite funny and can make a good joke but I don't get jokes made by others especially if they are sarcastic I taker it literally which makes them laugh
yeah when I am with really talkative people I can literally feel my energy being sucked out of my body and definitely cannot handle much of the zesty or what NT's would consider fun types

 

[KinksFan]

I have a very hard time talking to those zesty types as well. They jump from topic to topic and change the topic very frequently. It drives me up the wall. If I have something to add to the conversation, I'll say something. The worst is when people ask me a bunch of personal questions, expecting a quick and flawless answer which is very hard for me to do, because I have a bit of a stutter. You wouldn't want a Cockney accent with a bit of a stutter laced through it. Believe me.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh, such a massive DITTO the mount of times I have been hidden in my bedroom, whilst hearing every one laughing and chatting and although I tell myself, I rather be were I am, the truth is, I am crying with demoralisation and humiliation and desperate to join in, but rooted to my room.

YES how I hate being hypersensitive and worse when nts come out with: oh you wouldn't be able to cope if you met so and so.....

The thing is, the more I think about it, the more I come to the realisation that we are not hypersensitive, but deal with very INSENSITIVE nts, who consider it funny joking at out expense.

An nt said to me that his brothers are always mocking people and I am thinking: well that does not make them right and us sensitive; it makes them cruel.

 

[Suzanne]

Not much help here...I'm the same way. I want to connect...so badly...but can't. It's just too much. Very frustrating and depressing and painful.

I guess one thing I do that might help (a little, sometimes), I still spend time with people. Even though it hurts like h***, and all I can think about the whole time is getting back to my cave-space, even if it's just inside my head...there's something about just being around people, even when it hurts so much, that still helps me get through. I lower my expectations to zero, then just sit among them and let their lives happen around me. It's not a solution, and sometimes even that is more than I can handle, but at least it's something.

Since the awakening came that even though I try to pretend I like hiding away somewhere, whilst all the "fun" is happening. The cold truth is that I feel worse, because I am hiding away.

We have moved and now have a second bedroom ( never thought about it before, because there is only two of us and seemed a bit frivolous) but we are now just 10 mins away from our hall ( church) and despite how awful it is, I am agreeing to let brothers and sisters stay! We had a brother stay the night and it was torture for me and this morning, he demanded to make us breakfast, to say thanks for putting him up and for once, instead of feeling resentment that someone is using my kitchen, I felt proud and besides, no man has ever done that before; not even my husband and so it was rather a novalty lol and we have a beautiful new kitchen and would make an aspie be able to breath, for it is orderly; everything is where it needs to be, for easy access.

I have a headache and just want to sleep now, but feel that I coped with a very difficult situation that actually, I could easily have broken down into tears, but I didn't! The feeling is worse hiding away and so, I will keep up with this lol not the hiding away!

 

[Suzanne]

i feel/react very much as Warmheart and kestral described. Grumpy Cat, your idea to volunteer for a cat shelter was exactly what i attempted in January. It wasn't 'official,' only an "Ok, i'll try to be there." But when the day i planned to be there arrived, i panicked. i mean seriously, close all the drapes, turn off the phone, hide under the blankets kind of panic. And of course i've been feeling extremely guilty ever since. i want to connect, i need to try and get out more, i know i would be helpful and hard-working, but the reality is i am terrified of new situations or meeting new people.

Spent simply years doing this ie extreme panic and yep leaves you feeling zapped of mental energy and very disappointed with yourself ie oneself. It came to me last year actually, that I can cope with so much and not more and so, I stick my heels in now and say: that a small group of people I know is ok, even if I do not feel always at ease with them but anymore, no way!

I think there is a balancing act here: not extreme in both directions.

Running away ie hiding away, does not make us strong mentally; I know for that has happened to me and so, I must work very hard to push myself forward!

 

[Harrison]

Has anyone got the feeling that you are in your shell while trying to socialize, then peek out just a wee bit... GET SCARED!!... then zip back into your shell? I find that I am extremely hypersensitive to many things while socializing-- loud sounds, strong scents, a perceived snub, any intense facial expressions. BAM! Back in my shell, all frustrated and lonely again. Trapped behind a wall, wanting so very much to connect.

I feel frustrated with myself, with my own sensitivity. It is hard when all I want to do is connect, be kind. It feels like my kindness stays in my shell with me. How annoying for others, too, in that I must be handled softly in order for me to remain engaged. I don't mean to be this way. Anyone else feel so? Do you select very gentle, soft-natured friends? Limit your exposure to excitable, zesty folks? Has anything helped your sensitivity? Thoughts?

This is a lot I don't do socially for the reasons you've stated, and yes, it can be really frustrating. However, I'm aware of my limits and I know that spending too much time on 'foreign soil' will debilitate me and so, I limit my exposure. I do enjoy zesty folk, but in small doses, if I was in a room full of them I would be hiding under the table within five minutes.

My job means I have to mix with a wide range of types daily, so in my free time I generally keep a low profile in order to get my centre back.

 

[Spiller]

Not much help here...I'm the same way. I want to connect...so badly...but can't. It's just too much. Very frustrating and depressing and painful.

I guess one thing I do that might help (a little, sometimes), I still spend time with people. Even though it hurts like h***, and all I can think about the whole time is getting back to my cave-space, even if it's just inside my head...there's something about just being around people, even when it hurts so much, that still helps me get through. I lower my expectations to zero, then just sit among them and let their lives happen around me. It's not a solution, and sometimes even that is more than I can handle, but at least it's something.

Agreed with DogwoodTree here, I feel it's vital for me to connect with people - if I isolate myself for long I become more anxious and much more depressed. The heightened anxiety makes it harder for me to leave home again, so I have to keep at it, but the depression lifts considerably if I just walk around the shops or sit in a cafe; in fact I've taken to sitting in a Costa's a couple of times a week with my laptop - it's loud there, but I can concentrate on what I'm doing and usually desensitise to what's going on around me.. if it becomes too much I can retreat to the library where it's quiet and there're still a few people around.
I attend a couple of Aspie and Mental Heath charity groups, which allows for some socialising around people with similar issues to mine and seems to be leading to one or two contacts/friends(?) outside the groups. It can often be difficult, painful and cause heightened anxiety, but all of that is out-weighed by the benefit socialising has to my well being.

 

[watersprite]

Suzanne noted that she cries and feels bad when she hides. For me it is the opposite, I love hiding and my mind feels like it lights up with a bunch of little smiles when I escape a social situation. We're all different and that's a good thing. However fun hiding is, I know that some interaction is good for me & necessary. As Warmheart began this thread, I thought about how I reach out best: it is with my creativity. So for me the pathway is: have to steadily produce my art and then figure out how to get it - me - out into the world at least a little.

One of the things that I had hoped for upon my diagnosis (just this Monday), was that I might find others to meet up with occasionally. The de-sensitizing you mention, Spiller, is a good idea. I could add a component to my walks; changing the route a bit so as to include Main St and the library.

 

[Chris34]

It's not just the hiding part that frustrates me, it's also being unable to keep up a relationship. I do talk to people sometimes, like my classmates and professors but I'm really useless when it comes to holding onto those bonds. One semester I meet 2 or 3 people and then the next they forget I exist, when see them again it's like you're still a stranger to them. I feel sad and angry every time this happens. I just gave up on finding good friends too like Kestrel said.
There's something I still can't explain. I have an average of 18 penpals (people I met from other websites and whom I keep in touch through letters and postcards), all of them are awesome people! They are passionate readers, amateur writers, volunteers, shy people, and I've been able to form stronger bonds with these guys and gals without effort.
I really recommend every aspie to try the penpal approach. The feeling you get when you receive a letter or postcard from someone across the globe, it's priceless. It teaches you to be patient and value the small things people can do for you.

 

[Suzanne]

It's not just the hiding part that frustrates me, it's also being unable to keep up a relationship. I do talk to people sometimes, like my classmates and professors but I'm really useless when it comes to holding onto those bonds. One semester I meet 2 or 3 people and then the next they forget I exist, when see them again it's like you're still a stranger to them. I feel sad and angry every time this happens. I just gave up on finding good friends too like Kestrel said.
There's something I still can't explain. I have an average of 18 penpals (people I met from other websites and whom I keep in touch through letters and postcards), all of them are awesome people! They are passionate readers, amateur writers, volunteers, shy people, and I've been able to form stronger bonds with these guys and gals without effort.
I really recommend every aspie to try the penpal approach. The feeling you get when you receive a letter or postcard from someone across the globe, it's priceless. It teaches you to be patient and value the small things people can do for you.

I found my one best friend online and nearly 4 years later, we talk every day on facebook and if we have not replied for a while, we apologise. Lol discovered recently why we are such good friends. She is an aspie too. I have one other friend who is face to face, but not someone I can talk to about everything. It does not upset me any more.

Like you, I can make a potential friend but am terrible for keeping friends, but that is mainly them letting me down or perhaps me having too much expectations, but then again, isn't that called friendship? Give a take. Never giving all of the time or taking.

 

[watersprite]

I just realized that I did not write my post very well at all. The insight I had was thanks to and from Suzanne saying that she feels pain from hiding, and I realized that my motivation to get out of my hidey-hole is less, since I've always liked hiding. I'm sorry Suzanne I hope my clumsy writing above didn't offend you.