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RAISED by a FATHER with SUSPECTED ASPERGERS.

Rebecca Lloyd said:
I never have been ashamed of my feelings for him, I think they were essential to my survival, but my daughters were always uneasy around the idea of him, or talking about him, but now that I'm 70 and they are in their 40s, I've asked them if they want to know 'stuff' and they've said yes, so I'm trying to address that now for them. I'm a seriously awkward individual myself and it'll help them to know about my childhood experiences.
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But actually, I am happy to be able to say my father was a horrible man, and apart from that he did have Aspergers.
 
Mary Anne said:
People usually can NOT help being unloving, rigid, narcissistic, or egocentric because they learned it long ago, and slowly. It’s ingrained.

I do not think you can get very far in thinking that way. He was what he was...no matter if it was genetic, chemically biological, brought on by trauma, or abuse in his own childhood. It is what it is. You either accept that or not. You accept him or do not accept him. It is good to explore the reasons behind him, but it does not always give closure in the way you think.

We all as we age, look back at how we should have, or could have done things differently. The concepts eluded us at the time (I am soon to be 62). Your father wrote a book, and looked back on his life. He could not have changed back then.

It doesn’t matter if he chose to or was unable to. This part one has to accept, when dealing with childhood traumas and abuse. Both of my parents did the best they could. It’s was mom who abused us kids. She was mentally ill and came from child abuse too. My dad was abuse, was an unwanted orphan at age 7, lived in an orphanage with strict authoritarian nuns. He had no training on how to love, parent, communicate, or nurture us kids. So it guess he could not help it either, but for things said, and how he did not deal with problems in our home, and allowed our mom to physically and mentally abuse us...I will not forgive him. I finally forgave mom around 5 years ago.
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'My father had a very loyal friend, math professor woman, who told me that she saw him every day for a decade, and that even when she tried to explain to him the nature of the hurt he’d inflicted on someone using mathematical logic, he still couldn’t understand it. She said that nothing she’d done to help him understand human sensitivities and feelings over a whole decade of knowing him, had rubbed off on him at all.'
 
Rebecca Lloyd said:
I never have been ashamed of my feelings for him, I think they were essential to my survival, but my daughters were always uneasy around the idea of him, or talking about him, but now that I'm 70 and they are in their 40s, I've asked them if they want to know 'stuff' and they've said yes, so I'm trying to address that now for them. I'm a seriously awkward individual myself and it'll help them to know about my childhood experiences.
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Was your dad in the military? That truly can change guys into “rigid authoritarians” depending on their rank. Men also tended not to talk about their feelings or emotions back then . So you might never know the true story. It’s neat that your dad wrote a book. I wish mine would have wrote one because it would have been the only insight into his mind.
 
Rebecca Lloyd said:
So, would that mean, do you think, that my father's ASD might have nothing to do with my experience as a child? I've thought about this quite a lot because before I suspected he had this way of thinking that he was simply authoritarian and rigid, and those were the ways people were described back in the day, as well. So for me it's a matter of whether his behaviour was a result of his different mental functioning, and therefore he couldn't help it, or his behaviour was just egocentric, narcissistic... that he wasn't very loving or understanding and that he could've tried harder. Although he admits that in his book anyway.
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There are many co-morbid disorders that "could" be attached to having an ASD. Some people are just pricks and there isn't really anything else to it. Plenty of non-autistic people are good at math. Plenty of non-autistic people are pricks too. There likely isn't any way of getting any closure on such a issue. The fact is that he just was the way he was.

You're not likely to find anyone here who identifies as emotional cruel. Most will identify with being on the opposite side of emotional cruelty. Perhaps your father felt latter as well.
 
Mary Anne said:
Was your dad in the military? That truly can change guys into “rigid authoritarians” depending on their rank. Men also tended not to talk about their feelings or emotions back then . So you might never know the true story. It’s neat that your dad wrote a book. I wish mine would have wrote one because it would have been the only insight into his mind.
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No, he was a maths professor, I think his own early life was quite stark, didn't like his own father. There's not a lot you can understand about him through reading his book though, he barely mentions his family, only to say failed in or what we succeeded in. His colleague made him take out a lot of hurtful stuff about people he knew, and quite a lot of it is unreadable maths. When he was young though he was in the New Zealand Airforce, and was good at bombing people and loved the freedom of that life, I think.
 
HidinginPlainSight said:
There are many co-morbid disorders that "could" be attached to having an ASD. Some people are just pricks and there isn't really anything else to it. Plenty of non-autistic people are good at math. Plenty of non-autistic people are pricks too. There likely isn't any way of getting any closure on such a issue. The fact is that he just was the way he was.

You're not likely to find anyone here who identifies as emotional cruel. Most will identify with being on the opposite side of emotional cruelty. Perhaps your father felt latter as well.
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No, you're right of course. He was what he was. But it's good to talk about some of it anyway, because I never have, or written about it, and I am a writer. So just to say it in the open is something new and good, I think. And I reckon you're all lovely! :):):):)
 
Rebecca Lloyd said:
thank you. I won't be staying for very long, I guess.
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I am very sorry to hear that you are thinking about leaving. How about sticking around a while and giving us a chance? This really is a good forum with great members.

We know your age from your profile page. The information there was entered by you when you joined the forum. I know a lot of ladies are sensitive about their age, but there is no need here. It will probably just get you a little more respect. By the way, I am older than you.
 
It seems like every time someone's parent is cold, frightening, or even abusive they suspect the parent has Asperger's. :emojiconfused:
 
clg114 said:
I am very sorry to hear that you are thinking about leaving. How about sticking around a while and giving us a chance? This really is a good forum with great members.

We know your age from your profile page. The information there was entered by you when you joined the forum. I know a lot of ladies are sensitive about their age, but there is no need here. It will probably just get you a little more respect. By the way, I am older than you.
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I didn't say I was thinking of leaving, I said I might not be around for long, and that's because I'm never around anywhere for long. I wondered how anyone knew my age because I don't recall adding it to this site. However, I might well have done. I don't know any ladies, but I'll take your word for it that they might be sensitive about their ages, but without causing a flurry, I identify as a woman. Ladies are a bit wimpy aren't they? And they don't get up ladders, or paint the outside of their houses, or build pathways I wouldn't think. I'm not remotely sensitive about my age. If I'm sensitive about anything, it's accuracy in thinking and speaking.
 
We have quite a few NT members here to learn or just for the ride. NT means you (Neurotypical). They relate to us for one reason or another or have autistic people in their lives and get something out of discussions here. Point is NTs are not excluded and are welcome.

Your initial post was pretty tone deaf however and offensive to at least a few.

One could interpret it like:

"Hey my Dad was a monster and I just figured it was probably due to his being undiagnosed autistic, so I thought I'd join your monster forum and learn more about it."

Yes, everyone has somewhat different perspectives. But ASD people and NTs have very different perspectives. For one you, and I mean NTs in general, persecute us, if they know. And if you think a little reading gives you some clue, think again.
 
Tom said:
We have quite a few NT members here to learn or just for the ride. NT means you (Neurotypical). They relate to us for one reason or another or have autistic people in their lives and get something out of discussions here. Point is NTs are not excluded and are welcome.

Your initial post was pretty tone deaf however and offensive to at least a few.

One could interpret it like:

"Hey my Dad was a monster and I just figured it was probably due to his being undiagnosed autistic, so I thought I'd join your monster forum and learn more about it."

Yes, everyone has somewhat different perspectives. But ASD people and NTs have very different perspectives. For one you, and I mean NTs in general, persecute us, if they know. And if you think a little reading gives you some clue, think again.
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I didn't say my father was a monster, someone else used that word in this context. And I didn't say I thought it was due to his Aspergers. Did you read what I wrote first? Maybe you did, and you can suspect that I am someone without empathy myself if you really wish too. Only I hardly think it would make much sense, would it as if someone like me lurks about online looking for people to offend? I don't know anything about people persecuting you and I'm sorry if they do. You could be generous and take me at face value, and trust that I'm not such a person, or not, I guess. It must be up to you. If my initial post was tone deaf, it was also innocent. But hey! Why must I defend myself. I apologize for my initial remark made in ignorance. Is that good enough for you?
 
This is an Intro thread.
It is not a place to dissect or eviscerate each other.

It is a place to greet/welcome a new member.



 
Rebecca Lloyd said:
I didn't say my father was a monster, someone else used that word in this context. And I didn't say I thought it was due to his Aspergers. Did you read what I wrote first? Maybe you did, and you can suspect that I am someone without empathy myself if you really wish too. Only I hardly think it would make much sense, would it as if someone like me lurks about online looking for people to offend? I don't know anything about people persecuting you and I'm sorry if they do. You could be generous and take me at face value, and trust that I'm not such a person, or not, I guess. It must be up to you. If my initial post was tone deaf, it was also innocent. But hey! Why must I defend myself. I apologize for my initial remark made in ignorance. Is that good enough for you?
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OK. I'm a bit tired now, so can I apologize to you all, not just the people who decided to take offense, but also to others of you who did try to speak to me with kindness and help me. And I really think you have helped me perhaps see that whether my father had Aspergers or not is irrelevant. I myself find it utterly bewildering that he lacked any empathy and hurt a great many people, and of course I looked for answers to explain his behaviour; it is only natural. And should I have come across a set of character traits that defined a particular group of people and that also matched his own, well... heck, what would you do? So I best be on my way now because I absolutely hate offending people, it really creeps me out to be in a messy situation where I am obliged to defend myself against the phantoms in other people's minds.
 
Rebecca Lloyd said:
OK. I'm a bit tired now, so can I apologize to you all, not just the people who decided to take offense, but also to others of you who did try to speak to me with kindness and help me. And I really think you have helped me perhaps see that whether my father had Aspergers or not is irrelevant. I myself find it utterly bewildering that he lacked any empathy and hurt a great many people, and of course I looked for answers to explain his behaviour; it is only natural. And should I have come across a set of character traits that defined a particular group of people and that also matched his own, well... heck, what would you do? So I best be on my way now because I absolutely hate offending people, it really creeps me out to be in a messy situation where I am obliged to defend myself against the phantoms in other people's minds.
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Don't leave. There is a lot to learn on here. Yeah, you offended some people because of what you didn't know. All the more reason to keep learning.
 
kay said:
Don't leave. There is a lot to learn on here. Yeah, you offended some people because of what you didn't know. All the more reason to keep learning.
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thank you, that's really sweet of you! I did try to get out, un-membership myself, but I can't see how you do it.
 
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