BirdsNest
Active Member
Heya,
Just a bit of background info before I go into my current situation, since its relevant. There are lots of similar problems in this relationship as per my last -or at least it feels that way but I've been stung so not sure what is what really. I'm a self-diagnosed AS.
My last relationship ended badly. In a nutshell I never really got the time or attention I needed to feel fully comfortable, and my so-called partner ignored my requests to meet me in the middle. I was able to reconcile the differing needs to some degree and wrote off the lack of attention as being a product of his Asperger's and also having a busy job.
However that all went to down the pan, and fairly quickly. Firstly I found his ex's hair in his bed - he insisted she stopped over while he was away with work. A few weeks later I had a nasty surprise as I found out he spent Christmas with her, and not with his brother as he had led me to believe. He insists they are just friends. Maybe he was cheating on me, maybe he wasn't. I'll never know. I'm not even against open relationships but his lack of honesty and flagrant disregard for my feelings was the issue. So I left him. In the end I just felt stupid for not leaving him sooner.
Ok so thats that.
Currently?
I'm now seeing someone else, after a few cautious dates with others over 6 months it was nice to meet someone I clicked with and could connect with- which is rare.
The guy I'm seeing now says he's a massive introvert and his a bit eccentric- actually I strongly suspect he has AS. I joked about it once and he said he doesn't have AS. He often seems overwhelmed with stress and anxiety and this makes him retreat further into himself, among other things.
We have an agreement that this is an open arrangement. He's been seeing someone long-distance for many years - the relationship sounds pretty turbulent for much of the time. Personally I wouldn't want a relationship with that much contention or distance.
My AS traits mean that I don't like not knowing what to expect- specifically if/when I am going to see someone again. I've always found this hard but after my last relationship this is even harder. Current person says committing to this is hard because he doesn't know how he is going to feel due to his need to retreat and doesn't want to mess me around/let me down. He rarely initiates conversations or hangouts, although more often that not comes along and seems happy and comments that he leaves my company feeling relaxed. A bit of positive reinforcement or enthusiasm from his side would go a long way to quelling some anxieties that are building up with regards to how much I am valued.
He does come across as self-absorbed, he knows this but I don't think he fully understands the consequences of it. That has been a bit of a double-edged sword. I've been guilty of projecting onto him and making assumptions about the degree of severity, then felt guilty for assuming the worst having been proven wrong. Although sometimes he is being more self-involved than he realizes. When I last saw him, he said I made him feel awful because "Why would you want to spend time with me if you think I am really that self-absorbed?". That was an awkward and emotionally complicated situation that I didn't know how to deal with so I skimmed over it.
When I last asked him if we could spend time together he refused to agree to anything citing that I didn't understand how much alone time he needs, he reminded me I'd said at the start I only wanted a casual thing. I explained that my feelings had changed since we had started to get to know one another properly. We've agreed to meet in a few days and chat in person as that is a stupid conversation to have over text messages.
As a plus we have been able be open and talk about things, he's good at initiating the kind of conversations I try to avoid. Its uncomfortable but healing for me.
The fact is however that I don't see him as much as I'd like and combined with a reluctance to make future arrangements creates a lot of anxieties within myself. I find these anxieties difficult to keep in-check, the early stages of dating are often a struggle for me for this reason- I don't know how to cope with it really and usually end up pushing people away. I'm aware that I have trust issues that I need to keep in check as well. I'm now also hurt that he seemed to be saying he doesn't have time for me. I have a hard time not catastrophising relational issues due to my own AS traits.
Yesterday I thought I was probably going to have to dump him but now its written out I am a bit more hopeful that there is something we can talk about and resolve here. Now I wonder if I hurt him more than he let on with the being self-involved thing and that is making him distance.
Just a bit of background info before I go into my current situation, since its relevant. There are lots of similar problems in this relationship as per my last -or at least it feels that way but I've been stung so not sure what is what really. I'm a self-diagnosed AS.
My last relationship ended badly. In a nutshell I never really got the time or attention I needed to feel fully comfortable, and my so-called partner ignored my requests to meet me in the middle. I was able to reconcile the differing needs to some degree and wrote off the lack of attention as being a product of his Asperger's and also having a busy job.
However that all went to down the pan, and fairly quickly. Firstly I found his ex's hair in his bed - he insisted she stopped over while he was away with work. A few weeks later I had a nasty surprise as I found out he spent Christmas with her, and not with his brother as he had led me to believe. He insists they are just friends. Maybe he was cheating on me, maybe he wasn't. I'll never know. I'm not even against open relationships but his lack of honesty and flagrant disregard for my feelings was the issue. So I left him. In the end I just felt stupid for not leaving him sooner.
Ok so thats that.
Currently?
I'm now seeing someone else, after a few cautious dates with others over 6 months it was nice to meet someone I clicked with and could connect with- which is rare.
The guy I'm seeing now says he's a massive introvert and his a bit eccentric- actually I strongly suspect he has AS. I joked about it once and he said he doesn't have AS. He often seems overwhelmed with stress and anxiety and this makes him retreat further into himself, among other things.
We have an agreement that this is an open arrangement. He's been seeing someone long-distance for many years - the relationship sounds pretty turbulent for much of the time. Personally I wouldn't want a relationship with that much contention or distance.
My AS traits mean that I don't like not knowing what to expect- specifically if/when I am going to see someone again. I've always found this hard but after my last relationship this is even harder. Current person says committing to this is hard because he doesn't know how he is going to feel due to his need to retreat and doesn't want to mess me around/let me down. He rarely initiates conversations or hangouts, although more often that not comes along and seems happy and comments that he leaves my company feeling relaxed. A bit of positive reinforcement or enthusiasm from his side would go a long way to quelling some anxieties that are building up with regards to how much I am valued.
He does come across as self-absorbed, he knows this but I don't think he fully understands the consequences of it. That has been a bit of a double-edged sword. I've been guilty of projecting onto him and making assumptions about the degree of severity, then felt guilty for assuming the worst having been proven wrong. Although sometimes he is being more self-involved than he realizes. When I last saw him, he said I made him feel awful because "Why would you want to spend time with me if you think I am really that self-absorbed?". That was an awkward and emotionally complicated situation that I didn't know how to deal with so I skimmed over it.
When I last asked him if we could spend time together he refused to agree to anything citing that I didn't understand how much alone time he needs, he reminded me I'd said at the start I only wanted a casual thing. I explained that my feelings had changed since we had started to get to know one another properly. We've agreed to meet in a few days and chat in person as that is a stupid conversation to have over text messages.
As a plus we have been able be open and talk about things, he's good at initiating the kind of conversations I try to avoid. Its uncomfortable but healing for me.
The fact is however that I don't see him as much as I'd like and combined with a reluctance to make future arrangements creates a lot of anxieties within myself. I find these anxieties difficult to keep in-check, the early stages of dating are often a struggle for me for this reason- I don't know how to cope with it really and usually end up pushing people away. I'm aware that I have trust issues that I need to keep in check as well. I'm now also hurt that he seemed to be saying he doesn't have time for me. I have a hard time not catastrophising relational issues due to my own AS traits.
Yesterday I thought I was probably going to have to dump him but now its written out I am a bit more hopeful that there is something we can talk about and resolve here. Now I wonder if I hurt him more than he let on with the being self-involved thing and that is making him distance.