My ex does not seem to remember positive events when he was breaking up with me

[Confused_NT_girl]

In the weeks leading to my (ASD) ex breaking up with me (when he was traveling and working there remotely), we were both very stressed out with work. I would call him to talk/get advice about some challenges at work (we're in the same domain) -- the intention was mostly to chat. Just talking to him makes me feel so much better when stressed out but somehow work comes up and he turns into his solution-oriented self, and starts digging for info. The second time I called with this kind of discussion (just to chat but work came up again, and he started asking questions about it again to problem solve), he got frustrated and said I need to figure out my work situation because it's adding to his stress, and that I had been complaining about work a lot the past year.... which is absolutely not true. There may have been times when I talked about it to ask for advice (and yes, some complains), but I wasn't always talking like that or complaining about work the past year. I even got a promotion late last year and shortly after accepted a very good offer from my current company and those were positive news. We're both in the info sec domain so we do talk a lot about that topic which is work related, or project management stuff, but it's not always me complaining.


The other thing that he said when breaking up with me was that the last month before he traveled felt more like we were "friends".. which was confusing to me. In fact, it felt to me like we were getting much closer at that time -- we were spending much more time together, he would ask me for opinion on bed sheets because I slept at his place a lot, we were even talking about going on an international trip and working there remotely, he would initiate hugs (which was a big deal as he's not affectionate), according to him he considered us "cohabitating" since I slept there a lot.. etc. So it wasn't really "friendly". Also, during that breakup discussion, I mentioned things that happened in the past that he doesn't remember.


Does this have anything to do with him being stressed out/overwhelmed? That he was mostly remembering negative things or that it seemed like we were just "friends" leading up to the breakup? Thinking about it more now, he does list a lot of things down, and sets a lot of reminders/alarms because he forgets but I don't know if these are necessarily related.

I'm just really sad because when we had the breakup discussion, I was telling him about positive things that happened in the past to redirect his thought process (because his recollection of events is not accurate) and he just didn't want to hear it. Unfortunately, I kept pushing to discuss the issue which seemed to have pushed him away further. Now he's just firm about us being friends, which my last post was about.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Confused_NT_girl

(1) You've spent a lot of time with your ex, but you haven't managed to adjust to his emotional range (which isn't the same as yours) or the difference between his communication modes and yours.

In general, ND's and NT's don't communicate well for the same reason.
It won't be easy for you to address that by asking questions in an ASD-centric forum.

(2) It's still not clear if you want "closure"; to be told it's ok to just be friends; help to achieve a relationship reset to an earlier state; or perhaps you haven't isolated your real objective(s) for yourself yet. This is a friendly and supportive place but (due to (1)), it's not good at answering questions that haven't been accurately framed.

(3) There's also a "Silver Blaze" aspect to what you've said (in the thread a week or so ago and this one).
The Adventure of Silver Blaze - Wikipedia

(4) FWIW, based on the new information, I think you're right in assuming your ex is somewhere on the spectrum.

 

[OkRad]

Get away from people who confuse you. Go from Confuse NT Girl to Clarified NT Girl.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I understand his problem solving mode. It took me a while to stop doing that with my spouse who sometimes just wanted me to listen.

I think what he is doing is not about his autism and I hope he is not using that as an excuse. Our treatment of others is far deeper than our autism and reflects the values we internalize. His treatment of you is who he is. Plus, I am confused. Even with my social deficits, when I was searching for an intimate relationship my thoughts were to be friends first because once intimate that friendship is taken to a whole new level and there is no going back (barring some basic incompatibility).

I think you have made it clear what you want and there is no meeting of the minds for an agreement. Being Autistic does not mean that you cannot make decisions. For me, my intense focus meant that I could drive towards a goal intently, relationships included. He has made a decision according to his values because you have provided him information about how valuable the relationship is to you. I only see continued disappointment for you.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like you need to talk to someone about this. Perhaps someone trained in counseling, etc. We don't know if this other person is even on the spectrum. So it's all on the spectulative Merry-go-round.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

@Hypnalis

Thanks for your response.

1) You are right. I have not "effectively"/"completely" adjusted to his emotional range. He does not like to communicate about feelings, for one, so it's hard to adjust to something I don't understand, and sometimes he appears calm then would just suddenly have an outburst/meltdown triggered by something small/trivial. Although I've been able to ignore it, I still am taken aback by it when it happens. He said I'm a big part of his life, he cares about me a lot and do not want to stop seeing me, but then it turned into a breakup. So that is confusing. Lots of times he was stressed out he "seemed" to push me away, only to come back later like nothing happened. But there were also lots of times I was able to ignore these because I know that he does not intend to hurt me, and have communicated that to him. Lots of times he admitted that it was his stress... but none of those exactly led to a breakup. So when people are telling me that he's stringing me along, I'm reluctant to agree. But circling back to your point, you are right that I have not... not "completely".

2) I don't know if I'm looking for closure or not. It's more like do I want to be friends with him or not, and I'm just taking it day by day (I have not spoken to or reached out to him). I am trying to cope with the anxiety and sadness that I'm feeling and talking about it helps, which is why I post on here.

3) I will look into Silverblaze later, thank you

4) I know I'm not in a position to diagnose, but I am in a few ASD forums/groups that I had been visiting the past year and...I think it helped that I treated our relationship as neurodiverse. This is why I've been able to ignore/get past some of his meltdowns and not take it personally most times he withdrew, and in fact he said I've been very patient with him.

 

[Judge]

Been there, done that and got the t-shirt. With lots of regret over the years for ending such a relationship.

Though the reality of such situations more often than not is for the OP to just move on. Bottom line being that such neurologically mixed relationships are not for everyone. Where you may well struggle for an understanding that is ultimately anything but "50-50". And whether or not you are willing- or able to give much more than the other person in pursuit of sustaining such a relationship. And above all that there's no shame in admitting you can't handle it.

It doesn't help that so many of us on the spectrum need a routine amount of solitude, usually in a life where it may be hard to come by. Where the stress of it all ends up negatively impacting our relationships with those we care about the most. A very self-destructive process for some of us...myself included.

And in my forties I simply came to the conclusion that I could not sustain such a relationship and basically just gave up on the idea. At least in terms of NT women.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

Been there, done that and got the t-shirt. With lots of regret over the years for ending such a relationship.

Though the reality of such situations more often than not is for the OP to just move on. Bottom line being that such neurologically mixed relationships are not for everyone. Where you may well struggle for an understanding that is ultimately anything but "50-50". And whether or not you are willing- or able to give much more than the other person in pursuit of sustaining such a relationship. And above all that there's no shame in admitting you can't handle it.

It doesn't help that so many of us on the spectrum need a routine amount of solitude, usually in a life where it may be hard to come by. Where the stress of it all ends up negatively impacting our relationships with those we care about the most. A very self-destructive process for some of us...myself included.

And in my forties I simply came to the conclusion that I could not sustain such a relationship and basically just gave up on the idea. At least in terms of NT women.

Thank you, I've read your responses in other threads similar to this and they were helpful to me as well.

I am trying to move on (I haven't reached out/spoken to him, neither has he), though we both agreed that we are not ready to stop seeing each other. I thought we were ok. It was difficult communicating with him, and I had to find creative ways to insert my concerns in light-hearted conversations, but it was working. It took patience on my end, the change was slow and he did say so himself that he will not change overnight but he is working on it.... I was really blindsided by what happened. Whenever he needed space, he simply said I'd like to sleep by myself tonight or I need to work by myself on the weekend with no distractions and that was never an issue.

By the way as I thought about it more last night, and circling back to things my ex doesn't recall, I remembered him listing down our arguments/disagreements so he can remind himself of what "he needs to work on". He also set a lot of reminders, listed a lot of things down to remind himself of lots of things -- things to buy, things we're doing, activities we've scheduled, errands, even shows that we would like to watch.... I don't know if it is related but it seems the prevalent thoughts in his mind were negative ones (which aren't even accurate), which led to him breaking up with me. He doesn't seem to remember all the good/fun times we had, and things we were able to get past.

 

[Judge]

It took patience on my end, the change was slow and he did say so himself that he will not change overnight but he is working on it.... I was really blindsided by what happened. Whenever he needed space, he simply said I'd like to sleep by myself tonight or I need to work by myself on the weekend with no distractions and that was never an issue.

Sad. Clearly it was never an issue for you, but it seems it may have been much more of an issue for him than he let on. Too bad he couldn't open up, but then neither did I under similar circumstances. Instead I just waited until a point where I wanted to explode...and did with terrible results. Though in my own case back then neither my g/f or myself had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism.

Can't really comment on his "selective memory" though. Not sure what's going on there.

Though on a scale of one to ten, I suspect some of us are around 47 when it comes to the complexities of successfully navigating a relationship.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Confused_NT_girl

I don't believe you'll be able to simultaneously try to figure out what happened and why, and also move on.
If you had all the answers, what would you gain ... and what would it cost?

Something for you to think about if you want to try it anyway:

Those "high-points" you're referring were more important to you than they were to your ex. The same will also be true for some of the low points. This is why I mentioned "emotional range" before. We certainly feel emotions, and they mostly match NT's, but there are important differences between NT's and ND's.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

He doesn't seem to remember all the good/fun times we had, and things we were able to get past.

This created a problem for me and I would think it can be similar with him. My negative thoughts about myself as a teen and young adult led to PTSD. For the past four months I have been busy examining them and rewriting my inner dialogue. Instead of resentment and bitterness I have been able to feel positive about what I have overcome and the life with my spouse. It is a choice, and one that he can make if he is motivated to change.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

Sad. Clearly it was never an issue for you, but it seems it may have been much more of an issue for him than he let on. Too bad he couldn't open up, but then neither did I under similar circumstances. Instead I just waited until a point where I wanted to explode...and did with terrible results. Though in my own case back then neither my g/f or myself had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism.

Can't really comment on his "selective memory" though. Not sure what's going on there.

Though on a scale of one to ten, I suspect some of us are around 47 when it comes to the complexities of successfully navigating a relationship.

Sorry to hear that. I really think that it would help if he knows. Did you every reach out to her at some point after the break up?

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

@Confused_NT_girl

I don't believe you'll be able to simultaneously try to figure out what happened and why, and also move on.
If you had all the answers, what would you gain ... and what would it cost?

Something for you to think about if you want to try it anyway:

Those "high-points" you're referring were more important to you than they were to your ex. The same will also be true for some of the low points. This is why I mentioned "emotional range" before. We certainly feel emotions, and they mostly match NT's, but there are important differences between NT's and ND's.

Good point on the last part. I'm not going to lie, he seemed apathetic/firm the last few times we talked after the break up but was enthusiastic and treating me the same when we were bouldering/watching a movie, which were also after the break up. At least those were what I was observed on surface level, but then again I do not know what he's feeling deep inside.

Every day in the past few days I've been fighting the urge to reach out to him so I've been redirecting that energy by posting on here, and it's been helping. So yea, I'm thinking about what happened but not so much to try and fix it.. at least not anymore. It's just to understand. I already tried that and it seemed to push him further away.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

This created a problem for me and I would think it can be similar with him. My negative thoughts about myself as a teen and young adult led to PTSD. For the past four months I have been busy examining them and rewriting my inner dialogue. Instead of resentment and bitterness I have been able to feel positive about what I have overcome and the life with my spouse. It is a choice, and one that he can make if he is motivated to change.

That's great to hear. My ex has a very hard time opening up, though he's tried. It seems to me like he's afraid of getting rejected if he does open up, so I do not know what negative thoughts he has in his mind (except for some).... but I think I this could be why he insists we talk about positive things.

 

[Judge]

Sorry to hear that. I really think that it would help if he knows. Did you every reach out to her at some point after the break up?

Oh yes...and we got back together again for about four months. But the damage had been done, and at that point she dumped me. I should have done much more with my second chance, but didn't. Clearly my fault and not hers.

Though again, at the time I had absolutely no idea what was at the heart of my behavior. And there's no guarantee that self-awareness would have altered the equation.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

I understand his problem solving mode. It took me a while to stop doing that with my spouse who sometimes just wanted me to listen.

I think what he is doing is not about his autism and I hope he is not using that as an excuse. Our treatment of others is far deeper than our autism and reflects the values we internalize. His treatment of you is who he is. Plus, I am confused. Even with my social deficits, when I was searching for an intimate relationship my thoughts were to be friends first because once intimate that friendship is taken to a whole new level and there is no going back (barring some basic incompatibility).

I think you have made it clear what you want and there is no meeting of the minds for an agreement. Being Autistic does not mean that you cannot make decisions. For me, my intense focus meant that I could drive towards a goal intently, relationships included. He has made a decision according to his values because you have provided him information about how valuable the relationship is to you. I only see continued disappointment for you.

Thanks for your response. He is not using autism as an excuse, as he doesn't know. I know he's confused though because he knows he's different, but doesn't understand why. He thinks this is only about romantic relationships, his commitment issues, touch aversion etc, and I gently said that this is beyond just his commitment issues but I could tell he wasn't open to talking about it. At least not in the last few days. I had some opportunities in the past but I did not talk about it.

And I think even as he was saying that we stay friends, he was also still a bit confused, but he just didn't want to deal with it, and so he presented two options to simplify - we stay friends (maybe we'll date again) or we don't talk for a bit and see what happens later. Even when he says we'll stay friends he insists that he doesn't plan on dating right now. And I believe that because he's done that to another ex of his til she started dating someone else... i believe that to a certain extent because who knows, he may change his mind and I cannot get mad if he does.

But you are right, I am running the risk of getting disappointed.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thanks for your response. He is not using autism as an excuse, as he doesn't know. I know he's confused though because he knows he's different, but doesn't understand why. He thinks this is only about romantic relationships, his commitment issues, touch aversion etc, and I gently said that this is beyond just his commitment issues but I could tell he wasn't open to talking about it. At least not in the last few days. I had some opportunities in the past but I did not talk about it.

And I think even as he was saying that we stay friends, he was also still a bit confused, but he just didn't want to deal with it, and so he presented two options to simplify - we stay friends (maybe we'll date again) or we don't talk for a bit and see what happens later. Even when he says we'll stay friends he insists that he doesn't plan on dating right now. And I believe that because he's done that to another ex of his til she started dating someone else... i believe that to a certain extent because who knows, he may change his mind and I cannot get mad if he does.

But you are right, I am running the risk of getting disappointed.

You are neither the first nor the last to be disappointed. It is like you have hit the pause button on your life. Value yourself as you value him. Please.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

Oh yes...and we got back together again for about four months. But the damage had been done, and at that point she dumped me. I should have done much more with my second chance, but didn't. Clearly my fault and not hers.

Though again, at the time I had absolutely no idea what was at the heart of my behavior. And there's no guarantee that self-awareness would have altered the equation.

I've read at least 2 similar stories so far in other groups where the ND (ex) partner "exploded" (meltdown?) and ended up breaking up with their partner (or the NT partner broke up with them), and then regretted the break up. Do you mind sharing yours? Were you the one who broke up with your ex? and how did/how long before you reached out to them?

 

[Judge]

I've read at least 2 similar stories so far in other groups where the ND (ex) partner "exploded" (meltdown?) and ended up breaking up with their partner (or the NT partner broke up with them), and then regretted the break up. Do you mind sharing yours? Were you the one who broke up with your ex? and how did/how long before you reached out to them?

It was a matter of maybe a month or so before I reached out to her after breaking up and that I was under the impression that we had reconciled things. But in my mind I had not been able to put things in much of a perspective because I had no clue as to why I acted in this manner, or why I craved the solitude that I was no longer getting with a girlfriend who I lived with, and also worked with.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

It was a matter of maybe a month or so before I reached out to her after breaking up and that I was under the impression that we had reconciled things. But in my mind I had not been able to put things in much of a perspective because I had no clue as to why I acted in this manner, or why I craved the solitude that I was no longer getting with a girlfriend who I lived with, and also worked with.

Oh yea... You lived together and worked together, that must be challenging. I'm sorry it didn't work out I hope things are much better for you now that you're aware of what's going on.

By the way, I was reading about memory issues earlier today and read about how folks on the spectrum can have difficulties recalling episodic memory. Where episodic memory is the recollection of a personal experience and what happened during that time.. could explain my question on OP (?)