Is Life Really Supposed To Be This Lonely

[arclite]

Wfs, who are you replying to?

The question was posed by Chris Russel, my reply was to Chris Russel et al.

 

[Iamarock]

I used to seek out friendships and after I had some friends I really just wanted to be left alone. Most of the time I prefer my own company to the company of others. Now I have a one or two close friends and one of them lives 2800 miles away which is perfect.

I have often thought that if I were on a deserted island I would do just fine.

 

[SpaceCadet]

The only time I feel alone is when im with other people

Over the years I've learned to find this attitude helpful. Whether I "like" it or not, this is my natural way of dealing with people.

Years ago I read a popular self-help book about how to avoid depression, and the author was sure that any depressed person should "just go out there and BE with people," yadda yadda, and he or she wrote something to the effect of "almost all of us feel better when we're with others than when we're alone." I HAD to chuckle at that remark! Actually I wish I could remember what book/author it was, because the remark had such an unintended good effect.

Maybe this will work for someone here - I have a few friends (I hope?) from a certain weekly support group, I'm very faithful about attending, I do enjoy (pretty much) seeing them once a week, but I also enjoy going home to recover from all that sociability once a week. They are friends in the sense they'd visit me in the hospital (I'm pretty sure!) if I were run over or something like that, and I'd do likewise.

I'll tape your quote to my computer: "The only time I feel alone is when im with other people" - if any NT sees it they'll think it's a joke, but I know you're serious.

 

[The Penguin]

If you always do what you've always done you'll only get what you've already got!

True. I lost faith connecting with new people at the moment. I do think the issue is I don't connect with people in the location is am living at. Didn't have these issues in my home province. Maybe things be better when I move though I am focusing a life about myself.

 

[arclite]

In referring to Obsession as an energizing focus you are making an awful error of judgement. Learning the basis of our individual niche approaches serves to refocus, as I stated earlier, as any of us continue to do what we have always done, we will only get what we have already got. You also label members of our community, not mentioning names, but your indulgence is insulting to those who who are struggling with their personal experience while being imprisoned by the label of "Depression". I make no bones about the experience of 'depression it can be both painful and uplifting but as it is cyclical and wearing, more labels are applied by people who have not ever experienced anything close to it. They then provide commercially developed chemical compounds "in the hope" of throwing a spanner in the perceived mechanism of the human brain, somebody else's brain. But the conditioning of the world and the so called environment of society mysteriously still does not change. Our ability to perceive is still labelled by those who define our resources as faulty. You wonder why our behaviour is normally labelled as 'depressed'. How would anybody feel if they were told not to worry because I (the psychiatrist) am telling you this is a normal human reaction to the terrible things that have been happening to you each without resolution before the next awful impact comes along! Yes I am the patient and I was enabled by this statement. Saddened by the news that in the adjoining rooms were 3 people,

Room-1, would require a kidney transplant as a result of their attempted suicide
Room-2, would need 24/7 care as a result of their attempted suicide
Room-3, would need a liver transplant as a result of their attempted suicide

What was an outrage was that here the local authority had failed to provide any effective frontline service trying for personnel who who receive the initial calls for help by people in crisis. People were being 'blown off when they called the advertised crisis telephone numbers. No counselling was being provided for staff who had to take harrowing calls from people in genuine distress!!! Yes I was there making calls, needing help, not being able to help myself, disabled, housebound trapped, drugged with powerful narcotics, in agony with a damaged spinal cord, Insulin dependent, no food in the house, passing out and being unconscious for hours each day. Loss of low glucose awareness, loss of memory. There are places beyond human imagination, for which I give thanks, but we have to be aware of our own limitations and learn to reach beyond our limitations in order to protect the most vulnerable people in our community. Do you check on your immediate elderly neighbours? Can you see signs that their mail has not been collected, skilful observations. Consenting actions of support in case of difficulty. Mediation with local authority or with a police representative. Skilful actions. Use of a local library for guidance in such. Skilful means. If we are to become a true community of People with ASC/Autism we must learn to become educators of not only ourselves but also all those around us. We are not separate from society at large, society cannot function without us!

Politically and socially we have vulnerabilities that must be respected, just we must learn to respect ourselves for what we are. We should never be made to feel we have to apologise for what we are. To do so is extremely damaging to our psyche and we will soon begin to recognise how to help those who have been injured in this way. We can be different, we can break the mould of society. See also Am Klin on You Tube but in particular his TED talk on how to Diagnose Autism at 6 months old and how to train parents or carers to re-focus a neo-natal child's gaze on your face which is where it learns very quickly the complex interplay between facial expression, speech and meaning, the basis of human interaction and adult life. How quick do you think you could learn this stuff, given the chance? Why is Ami Klin the only researcher who is bothering to give us all this opportunity? Get in touch with your senator, get him to start asking important questions about this important issue! What, he doesn't care? What next? Vote for those who do care? That's for you the ASC/Autism community to decide. How long must we live like this, forced to sit at the back of the bus, seek solidarity with those who do give a structure holding back a very large body of water!!! I do hope this helps?

 

[Jusdifferent]

"Over the years I've failed in all my relationships, and have no real friends at this point of my life. Just acquaintances. And next to no family left."

* I kind of feel like that too It's pretty much just me, and my mate. My Mum is old, and lives far away. I have no other family. I have lost all my friends due to so many moves. We, now, live in an area that I hate. There are no AS support groups close by. I know how you feel <3

 

[arclite]

I've had very few friends in my life, partly because I find it difficult to know when someone likes me, partly because I'm fairly misanthropic - I don't like or trust that many people. Too many bad experiences. Also because I hate smalltalk, and shared interests, to me, don't indicate friendship - I want to get deep and meaningful with people, which apparently is thought of as weird. The friends I've had, I've been very close to; it's usually been quite an intense experience.

I think Aspies quite often like to be on our own, but we also crave friendship... but it has to be the right kind of friendship, with people that we can understand and that can understand us. These people seem to be pretty difficult to find!

I'm really lucky to have a girlfriend who understands - in fact, she's a semi-Aspie herself! I think it might be true that Aspies only need one friend, and for adults, that friend is often their partner. BUT - I do still wish I had one or two other people that I could really talk to on a deep level, to get a different perspective on things, to learn from them. Occasionally I do meet someone I think it could work with, but then I get so excited/enthusiastic/emotional about it that they get scared off!

For Pete'smoke: The Lankavatara Sutra is a thing I read many years ago. It literally revolutionised my mind and has provided me with a glimpse beyond. That for me will be for the greatest party ever imagined, the moment of unity when all sentient life is liberated from suffering. Wishing us all great happiness, peace and justice. To relinquish all power over another. Equality. Home. Considering I had no idea what my mind was at the time but I have stumbled upon many kind souls since then. So I offer this link to you FYI.
lirs.ru/do/lanka_eng/lanka-nondiacritical.htm and a deep moment for you, in that the guaranteed oldest thing in this universe is the act of giving. Enjoy!

 

[ezcare]

Is it hard for anyone else out there to find, establish or maintain friendships??? I'm aaaaalways alone, except when I go to church and I always feel depressed.

I don't know your age so I have to frame my answer in terms of the different stages of loneliness I experienced over my 70+ years living with ASD. In my pre-teen years I was extremely lonely. I could not relate to anyone at school. I was an only-child. And I lived in a neighborhood that did not have a lot of children my age. When I was in my teens, I was fortunate enough to find a few good friends who were in sync with my interests (we were nerds before that term came into use.) That lasted until my college years which were a nightmare of loneliness. I worked my way through college; first as a cook (long story) in a hotel restaurant where I got room and board plus some extra spending money as part of my wages. Since I had a full college schedule, all my spare time was spent working at the restaurant or studying. Because I was constantly busy I did not mind the loneliness so much. That lasted one semester. By the second semester I had saved enough money to move into the college dorm. I was lucky enough to get paired with a roommate who had a compatible disposition. We became close friends. I also got a PT job writing news stories for a local radio station and was mentored in radio news writing by an older gentleman who appreciated my attention to detail and ability to describe complex events in short, easy-to-follow, prose. During my last semester at college, I was able to earn enough money from my radio job--work I came to love--so that I was able to leave the restaurant job. And my roommate decided to transfer to another college so I got an apartment off campus. Although I had gone though my entire "college experience" without attending any wild parties or making lifelong friends I did adjust to being alone and became more aware of the special skills and talent I possessed. That not only helped me cope with the loneliness but also gave me some tools to use in my future careers. I could share more about the next three stages of my life but I want to leave you with a message of hope:Regardless of what label they put on you remember that YOU alone are the master of your attitude and personality. It will all be OK in the end so if it is not OK it can't be the end.

 

[DylanTheAspie]

I didn't know how to maintain relationships outside of school or after that and college. For some reason I really struggle with the idea of seeing these people outside of the areas we meet. I'm going to learn how to do that soon though, I've made a good couple of friends at a peer group of mine and when I'm able to properly drive and have less anxiety because of it I'm going to see these people outside of the group. I don't want to do back to being lonely and only having Facebook as a line of connection between friends of mine who are drifting off. It does hurt me that I was never asked to go out by my old friends, I guess that tells me that they didn't necessarily value my friendship over other people they knew. But I know too that I need to do work on keeping their friendships going, so that's what I'm going to do.

The protocol for transitioning between "school friends" to "outside-of-school friends" is so difficult for me. I've yet to master it.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

The protocol for transitioning between "school friends" to "outside-of-school friends" is so difficult for me. I've yet to master it.

It's nice to hear other people also have this exact problem. I don't know what it's about, maybe it's something to do with difficulty with structure?

 

[Judge]

It's nice to hear other people also have this exact problem. I don't know what it's about, maybe it's something to do with difficulty with structure?

To me age would be the dominant factor comparing the two. Where the exposures of adulthood are more prone to breaking up those "outside-of-school" contacts. Moving, new job, marriage, etc..

Things that sadly are more likely to be beyond our control to maintain or nurture good friendships.

 

[Knit Hat]

Is it hard for anyone else out there to find, establish or maintain friendships??? I'm aaaaalways alone, except when I go to church and I always feel depressed.

Yeah, it is hard for me to establish or maintain friendships. If it wasn't for my family, I'd be totally alone, except when I go to church as well.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

To me age would be the dominant factor comparing the two. Where the exposures of adulthood are more prone to breaking up those "outside-of-school" contacts. Moving, new job, marriage, etc..

Things that sadly are more likely to be beyond our control to maintain or nurture good friendships.

Yes. But for me a lot of my old friends still live locally and the communication just isn't there.

 

[Judge]

Yes. But for me a lot of my old friends still live locally and the communication just isn't there.

Any thoughts on why that communication is "no longer there" ? Do you think it reflects on you personally, or perhaps other reasons like too busy, family, stress, health, etc. ?

I guess the weird thing is realizing that my parents' generation seemed better at maintaining ties over the years as well as long distance. But not my own generation.

It still kind of hurts that when I reached out to try to reconnect with such people they clearly were uninterested. They moved on and never looked back. Yet in my case I don't think it was personal.

 

[arclite]

even before i was diagnosed i keep people at arms length, for the most part i beleave most people have liked me do to my energetic get it done nature and, perma happy look i put on to deter from the fact i really dont feel anything. mind you i have allays been the bunt of humor do to being trusting and as they would say gullible. but all in all i can count one one had how meany people i have called friend in my life time. (Ps. also take into account at 24 iv still yet to find a girl.)

Duh!, you say you feel nothing yet you are using the language of emotional landscapes to describe your position. You perceive you don't when you do! You keep ignoring it as emotion while you schedule other matters as prioritisation but that too exists because of the need to be different from. This is a skill-set, not a criticism. Exploring the possibilities will always exist because of what we are made from a hugely overengineered biological information processing engine. Where do you look or listen or feel it's operation? Looking tells you how it's constructed, listening tells you how it's running, feeling tells you everything at once but it takes a lot of practice plus guidance to know much of what it is about.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Any thoughts on why that communication is "no longer there" ? Do you think it reflects on you personally, or perhaps other reasons like too busy, family, etc. ?

In the early days up until I ended college at 21 I've always just wanted to be at home doing my own thing. Outings never appealed to me too much and whilst I enjoyed being around my friends, they were a distant second in my life when compared to my interests. That's a good chunk of what has driven this mentality forward, I think. But a another big part is just this sense that doing these things is 'wrong'. In this sense I feel very much like a child. As if I'm not allowed to go out on my own with friends. And these relationships with people I see are a part of X institution and don't apply outside of this. I have absolutely no idea where this though has come from, perhaps though it's a difficulty with developing through as a teenager.

As I've gotten older I'm starting to want to do these things, the latter of what I said still applies but I'm starting to see that that isn't true any more. But what I have now is an anxiety of leaving the house on my own and that is what makes it difficult. Hopefully by being able to drive a car some of this barrier that's been imposed can be broken down. We'll have to wait and see.

 

[Rob]

Is it hard for anyone else out there to find, establish or maintain friendships??? I'm aaaaalways alone, except when I go to church and I always feel depressed.

Yes, it is extremely difficult to do this as an Aspie. I was diagnosed late at the age of 46, with a long history of isolation and lack of follow-through of career choices.

In elementary school I often stood alone at recess with my back against the wall of the school picking my nose. In high school the only "friendships" I had were when peers asked me questions about math and science homework. "Hey Einstein, what's the answer to this question?" they asked. Once a peer nearly got the same high score on a math or science test I got angry and studied that much more to keep up my grades. High grades were basically my sustaining force to keep me from dropping out and giving up on life completely. Many classmates were surprisingly friendly with me but I did not enjoy the social skills and athletic skills that everyone else had. One student bullied me verbally. In fact all my lab partners had to do the handiwork for me as I was a nervous wreck all the time and had very little practical skill (dyspraxia?) I tried trades classes like woodwork and metalwork but barely passed them due to very slow progress and non-verbal learning disabilities. Despite all the difficulties I managed to win academic awards and surprisingly, an award for some track and field events (I think for sprinting and long-jump).

I did have schoolmates that were on the "smart" end of things that were very talented in math, science, chess and athletic sports. In class I spent a lot of time with them. Many of my other peers had girlfriends and boyfriends but I was completely unable to get a girlfriend. I was also the most uncoordinated and confused participant in sports. I could not throw a ball properly. Dancing for me was out of the question.

After graduation, I went to technical school. Lonely, I struggled and actually managed to get an award for Chemical Sciences at BC Institute of Technology
despite frequent confusion when wires or glassware had to be properly connected. But I despised employment in a lab setting that required so much precision and a memory for long instructions!

After failing to follow through in pharmacy tech college due to information processing, organizational, and teamwork challenges, the college faculty recommended I go to a mental health center.

My psychologist who diagnosed me in Kamloops, BC, Canada told me "Well, you're certainly not stupid." That got the ball rolling. I kept in touch with the college to inform them of my progress. I overreached, however, when they told me I had to cut the apron strings!! OK, that was the end of my communication there. They were too busy with their new class of pharmacy students. And much more transpired along the way but things turned out well for me despite what felt like a long, lonely walk through the wilderness.

One thing we can be happy about as Aspies is that we do have high intelligence, though our areas of intelligence can differ from person to person.
We must be patient though our lives can seem like a never ending school of hard knocks. Learning how to take care of our health and ourselves is key to making things easier and equipping ourselves with the tools we need to be strong and persevering.

Eventually, things do get better. You are definitely my friend Hugh!

 

[Antonio]

Yes I find it very hard to maintain relationships. Even when I decided to let down my walls and open up to people, I realized people aren't happy with me and I can't take the criticism that comes with being close to people. As I've gotten older I've also realized that my ways can be offending to other people too. Or sometimes they just find me strange, or self-centered. I still wish I could meet another aspie who I would get along with because we would accept and understand each other. But I wonder if maybe I would find them too direct and too blunt? Maybe for some people it just isn't practical to be social. Like some animals are solitary.

 

[ezcare]

The protocol for transitioning between "school friends" to "outside-of-school friends" is so difficult for me. I've yet to master it.

Dylan,
The transition from school friends to outside-of-school friends is probably the most difficult time you will face over your lifetime. It was for me. The reason, IMO, is because the 20-something age, even for NTs, is one of rousing action and high emotionalism. These symptoms of maturity come when our intellectual idealism meets the reality we are faced with: becoming independent, realizing our personal identity and taking responsibility for what we make of ourselves. It took me a good 20 yeas to get through this period of my life. But thanks to my Aspie persistence and dogged desire to find my place in the world, I was able to get through it without codependency or medication. I realize not every one of us has the ability to do this, but for those who can I strongly recommend it. Don't let a label define you. Labels are like weapons; they can be lethal in the wrong hands.

 

[ezcare]

Yes, it is extremely difficult to do this as an Aspie. I was diagnosed late at the age of 46, with a long history of isolation and lack of follow-through of career choices.

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