Is Life Really Supposed To Be This Lonely

[Judge]

I have said before that the aspect of a life with Asperger's that saddens me most is the dichotomy of a highly sensitive soul, who has the intellectual capacity to appreciate the myriad complexities of our incredible world to it's finest details, to be isolated so completely (by social difficulties) that they are unable to find opportunity to share it with anyone.

Judge, your voice is one amongst many here that help and support, but the kind words, level head, remarkable insight, tolerance and wisdom, that you share so selflessly and honestly would be a boon to any friendship. I cannot tell you how much I am saddened to hear that you feel you are still without real friends...

Regardless of our relative distance, and the fact that we have never met, I consider the kindness, understanding and support that you demonstrate so regularly here, to be as worthy of the term 'friendship' as anything anyone could think of to describe it.

You are clearly a friend to many people here, and I for one would be honoured to call you my friend.

Thanks Chris. I certainly appreciate your very kind words. Especially from my own kind. We who live this existence and must endure it each and every day.

And yet in so many ways while I can explain the "whats and hows", and cannot necessarily explain the "whys". That we can be so complex and contrary when it comes to our own traits and behaviors.

Though sometimes it's difficult to decide just how candid to be about such things.

 

[Chris Russell]

Thanks Chris. I certainly appreciate your very kind words. Especially from my own kind. We who live this existence and must endure it each and every day.

And yet in so many ways while I can explain the "whats and hows", and cannot necessarily explain the "whys". That we can be so complex and contrary when it comes to our own traits and behaviors.

I agree, and had resigned myself to this reality. But recently, I have learned that, although I cannot change, the tool does exist by which to give those around us (who are kind, motivated and open enough) access to our world, and I have been staggered by the power of this meeting of worlds and it's ability to change the way NTs and Aspies understand each other. I have never been evangelistic about anything - I am far too much the logical systemiser: Empirical evidence, please! But I have seen this in action: Unfolding atrophied and overwhelmed minds, the re-ordering of long-held beliefs and the innocent astonishment of families and counsellors, estranged couples and lonely men at its efficacy. I understand the theory, and I have seen the results for NTs and Aspies first hand. It is with all due consideration that I say: This has given me hope, and I can't help but share it.

The feeling is Mutual | Asperger's & Autism Forum

 

[RiverSong]

I think that generally speaking, it's easier for females to attract & sustain relationships than it is for males.

I don't know. I've never been male.

But it seems like friendships are endeavors that aren't determined by your gender.

 

[Peatsmoke]

I've had very few friends in my life, partly because I find it difficult to know when someone likes me, partly because I'm fairly misanthropic - I don't like or trust that many people. Too many bad experiences. Also because I hate smalltalk, and shared interests, to me, don't indicate friendship - I want to get deep and meaningful with people, which apparently is thought of as weird. The friends I've had, I've been very close to; it's usually been quite an intense experience.

I think Aspies quite often like to be on our own, but we also crave friendship... but it has to be the right kind of friendship, with people that we can understand and that can understand us. These people seem to be pretty difficult to find!

I'm really lucky to have a girlfriend who understands - in fact, she's a semi-Aspie herself! I think it might be true that Aspies only need one friend, and for adults, that friend is often their partner. BUT - I do still wish I had one or two other people that I could really talk to on a deep level, to get a different perspective on things, to learn from them. Occasionally I do meet someone I think it could work with, but then I get so excited/enthusiastic/emotional about it that they get scared off!

 

[Azul-Infinito]

I'm 34 now so that is about 17 years living alone. Plus, I focusing my life living as a hermit.

Im 33 and have a very similar story. It's for the most part by choice. I feel like i only have a finite amount of emotional and social energy per day. If i was a very social person it would be exauhsting. But some days, like today, i get very sad and wish there was someone I could be with other than myself.

Someone in this thread said aspies only need one friend. I Could see that being true for myself.

 

[tdrfreebird]

Is it hard for anyone else out there to find, establish or maintain friendships??? I'm aaaaalways alone, except when I go to church and I always feel depressed.

Same here. I've always had problems with friendships; they always seem to outgrow me. I live with my parents and younger brother and I no longer feel a connection with them (Sometimes I question whether I ever really did). I find most people annoying. I think people are inherently selfish and unreliable, and I've grown to hate them more and more.
But yet I hate being alone all the time. Being alone constantly with my own thoughts makes me loathe myself.

 

[Miker]

Like Robert De Niro said in the film Heat, I am alone but I am not lonely. Bank robbery is the key that is missing in your life.

 

[Kept in the dark]

"I'm an NT and I believe the guy I am in love with is in the spectrum, he has many of the traits. I have stayed with him a little over three years now although I get very, very little from him. He has had disappointment in the past and I promised him I would never disappoint him. No matter how distant he is, I never lose any love for him. I'm fighting a double battle because he is also a mama's boy. It's a very strange (I dare to call it a relationship). No dates in two years, never a major holiday together and only comes over to my place twice a year) It is very hard on me but I will not give up on him. I am very lonely but will not look to anyone else because I only want him to love and take care of. Sometimes I get discouraged, but will be there for him no matter what. Call me crazy....I love him and never want to disappoint him."

 

[Sashi]

I empathize because I'm a loner. I have no advice because if I did, I would have followed it. I just offer that you are not alone.

 

[abby normal]

as soon as I learned to befriend the reflection I greet in the mirror every day, friendlessness and isolation stopped hurting me. now I find peace with me and meself.

 

[Lady Penelope]

Is it hard for anyone else out there to find, establish or maintain friendships??? I'm aaaaalways alone, except when I go to church and I always feel depressed.

I know what you mean.
My last friend was in high school. I'm 35 and have no one. I recently thought i had made one but he was grooming me for sexual abuse. I am more upset about the loss of the friend than the sexual assault even though i now realise he was never my friend. In my head he was...and i miss that feeling.
It's been so long since i had a friend and now this incident ... I'm thinking I'm going to be alone forever. I spoke with someone today who had been married for 29 years and i can't seem to get a friend let alone a date...
Why is making friends so damn hard?

 

[Lady Penelope]

Other ones yes. Not this one. I been living alone since I moved out on my own at age 17. I'm 34 now so that is about 17 years living alone. Plus, I focusing my life living as a hermit.

I thought I'd be a hermit ever since i was a kid. Everyone was so weird i just wanted a cabin in the forest with animals and a vege garden... ah youth...careful what thy wish for

 

[Lady Penelope]

Im 33 and have a very similar story. It's for the most part by choice. I feel like i only have a finite amount of emotional and social energy per day. If i was a very social person it would be exauhsting. But some days, like today, i get very sad and wish there was someone I could be with other than myself.

Someone in this thread said aspies only need one friend. I Could see that being true for myself.

I'm 35 female and feel exactly the same. One decent friend would be nice. I don't need a gang.

 

[James Hardy]

even before i was diagnosed i keep people at arms length, for the most part i beleave most people have liked me do to my energetic get it done nature and, perma happy look i put on to deter from the fact i really dont feel anything. mind you i have allays been the bunt of humor do to being trusting and as they would say gullible. but all in all i can count one one had how meany people i have called friend in my life time. (Ps. also take into account at 24 iv still yet to find a girl.)

 

[The Penguin]

I thought I'd be a hermit ever since i was a kid. Everyone was so weird i just wanted a cabin in the forest with animals and a vege garden... ah youth...careful what thy wish for

This would be a dream come true and might be a reality one day.

 

[yotimbo]

Is it hard for anyone else out there to find, establish or maintain friendships??? I'm aaaaalways alone, except when I go to church and I always feel depressed.

The only time I feel alone is when im with other people

 

[arclite]

Indeed. I think I might have too much expectations for friendships though I'm not changing my ways.

If you always do what you've always done you'll only get what you've already got!

 

[arclite]

Thanks Chris. I certainly appreciate your very kind words. Especially from my own kind. We who live this existence and must endure it each and every day.

And yet in so many ways while I can explain the "whats and hows", and cannot necessarily explain the "whys". That we can be so complex and contrary when it comes to our own traits and behaviors.

Though sometimes it's difficult to decide just how candid to be about such things.

The social definition of Disability provides sustinence for inspiration. With a little additive of "no pain-no gain" for good measure.

Firstly: Who said YOU were at fault? Self doubt is one of the ways we recognise each other. Self doubt goes hand in hand with a sensitive soul. Now here is the first misconception surrounding our label of ASC/Autism, we are routinely described as emotionally incapacitated. Hands up those of you who struggle to stay ahead of your feelings or who feel they cannot control their emotions or who have great difficulty understanding their emotions? Don't be surprised since you are being taught by people who have no idea!

Secondly: Start at the beginning, slow everything down until you can see what you are dealing with. Now ask of yourself, what am I looking at, why am I looking at, how am I looking at. Repeat this mantra for everything you question. Make no assumptions and if you do, BEWARE! Make notes to remind yourself of any assumptions and know the particular pain that results from mental effort that is in error! Do not give way to prejudice or actions taken in fear. Remember your mantra! Thirdly: There is no blame. You act with presence of mind and body. You understand how painful your perceptions can be and you act either with total ignorance of the needs of others or you begin your journey of discovery with an innate sense of how beautiful and enlightening this reality surrounding you can be. Lastly and as an accompaniment to everybody else you may set your sights on a higher viewpoint. In this case you seek nothing whatsoever for yourself but you dedicate your heart to deliver service to those surrounding you to ensure their safety and happiness. This is synonymous with perfecting your abilities whatever they may be. None of us are alone except we can perfect our perception of feeling alone. We then have learn otherwise to go out and meet and greet others or to help somebody else with their challenges, do they feel alone? Does that matter? Keep looking to the new possibilities of the present with you being part of the event! Share your discoveries skilfully! We are labelled as something by others who cannot then be bothered to see beyond their label. We become their property instead! Reclaim your ability to question and to perceive more clearly. If we share this ability and focus on developing a vocabulary to explain and agree upon our experiences of ASC and Autism, we can apply to the UN for funding as we constitute a community, a people, with independent and sovereign rights to live with dignity and common cause. Now how lonely do we feel with such a future vision for humanity with our skills finally being recognised?

 

[arclite]

We then have learn

Should have read: We then have ^to^ learn

There is no edit function on this board else the last paragraph would have been split for easier reading.

Sorry about these mistakes, hope all this helps?
Alexandra.

 

[wfs]

All people have troubles with relationships. What appears to be "camaraderie" is often shared rituals (drinking or partying) or shared interests.

It is much more important that you find meaning in your life....activities, interests, discoveries, and even obsessions, that energize you. There is a higher likely of friendships arising out of shared interests that simply "finding" a friend.

Also, depression is common in the Aspie community. It is possible that the depression can be biological, in which case, a therapist or doctor might be able to offer some practical medical relief. You are not treating the Neural-Diversity, which is actually normal, you are treating an underlying neurological depression.

Resources first, relationships second.