I'm terrified of taking this step, but I must.

[autism-and-autotune]

This might sound harsh but it's honest.

I think you are lying to yourself about what you really want. You've never mentioned any worries about your parents coming knocking on your door, in fact the last email they sent said they'd leave you alone if that's what you want.

So why the restraining order? Is it because your parents will have to be notified of the restraining order and that will somehow score a few petty points in a long term feud? It doesn't seem to serve any other practical purpose.

If you want to break away from your parents then that is what you should do. Simply no longer respond and no longer think of them. Get on with your life instead of trying to perpetuate the angst and anger. Let it go. Move on.

I appreciate your honesty.

What do I really want? Good question. I want them to know what they did in my childhood was wrong, and to leave me alone. The flowery language in the letter is bait, and nothing more. I've learned better than to take a narcissist at their words. I do not trust them.

Well, if you put it like that...the practical purpose is largely for my own peace of mind. Psychologically I cannot...I guess I just have issues with not giving people closure, regardless. Yes, I can ignore them, and block them, but to have them know why is what is important. If I present all my information with a professional, which cannot be denied or sounding like I'm 'making it all up', then maybe they'll get it.

Maybe this is my way of no longer perpetuating angst and anger. All I've ever wanted from them my whole life is to be heard and understood, but me by myself isn't enough. Letting things go is hard. This whole thing is hard. I cannot 'no longer think' about them until something is actually solid. I understand and hear what you're saying.

 

[Hypnalis]

@autism-and-autotune

Based on your earlier thread, where you said you're 100% sure your mother is an incurable narcissist, and your father an irredeemable enabler, I think you should take action to control your parents.

It can't be wrong to get a restraining order, and based on the data, there's no downside.

Also the chances are high that you're able to request that it's rescinded if they don't shape up (but if your mother is "broken", they won't).

FWIW I wrote a longer post on this last night (my time), but decided to provisionally delete it because I couldn't understand why you were asking at all. As a continuation of that, your focus on "validation" seems very strange to me. Comments from internet strangers are no substitute for confidence and commitment to a plan.

What you have is a simple practical problem with an intrinsically difficult final decision.
You literally can't trust your feelings here - they are what's making the decision difficult.

I know "always trust your feelings" is a mantra among a very poorly advised part of the population, but it's often completely wrong. If the facts, your education and experience, instincts, and trusted advisors all indicate that you should take action against your parents, do it first, and unwind by going on holiday with your SO after it's done.


(edited: "shape up" -> "don't shape up")

 

[autism-and-autotune]

@autism-and-autotune

Based on your earlier thread, where you said you're 100% sure your mother is an incurable narcissist, and your father an irredeemable enabler, I think you should take action to control your parents.

It can't be wrong to get a restraining order, and based on the data, there's no downside.

Also the chances are high that you're able to request that it's rescinded if they shape up (but if your mother is "broken", they won't).

FWIW I wrote a longer post on this last night my time, decided to provisionally delete it because I couldn't understand why you were asking at all. As a continuation of that, your focus on "validation" seems very strange to me. Comments from internet strangers are no substitute for confidence and commitment to a plan.

What you have is a simple practical problem with an intrinsically difficult final decision.
You literally can't trust your feelings here - they are what's making the decision difficult.

I know "always trust your feelings" is a mantra among a very poorly advised part of the population, but it's often completely wrong. If the facts, your education and experience, instincts, and trusted advisors all indicate that you should take action against your parents, do it first, and go on holiday with your SO after it's done.

Ah, hello there--I noticed your other message last night, then was curious why I couldn't find it this morning.

Rescinded? What does this mean? Well, I looked it up...hmm. My evidence for her behaviour is overwhelming, though.

True, true; sometimes...well, I guess asking others is just my way of seeing many paths and thought-processes laid out. I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's just to vent my thoughts-were I to do this in my journal, I'd get no other feedback or thoughts. And because I value the experiences of others.

Yeah, where I get hung up is definitely my feelings. This is what makes everything so confusing. I try to trust my gut, but it's just so hard because everything in my psyche says respect your parents at all costs. But then I remember why it's ingrained into me: fear. If I am afraid, I lose. And I want to be brave and do what's right.

I'll try to get what I remember form your other post: my fiance has long been against my parents since we met (nearly a decade ago) and me deciding now to cut ties with my parents has long been coming. My parents don't like my fiance, nor acknowledge their existence. My fiance loathes my parents for what I had to endure at their hands. I'm the long-lasting, in denial guy here. We've been on our honeymoon as long as we've been living together, save these pesky interruptions from my folks.

 

[Hypnalis]

<< last minute edit before I leave (important cricket match to see, only one sports bar in town showing it >>

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I understand the people who see a restraining order as a major step, given the context there's no real difference between LC and a restraining order.

You must make it absolutely clear to your parents they may not disrupt your life, including uninvited contact of any kind, and that they will not do these things because you're prepared to actively enforce your requirements.

So the psychological side is fixed - it has to happen.

Everything else is implementation details. These should be chosen based on your needs, preferences, and wishes, not your parents'.

Something to consider: in a context like this, deferral is a decision. It's better to actively choose a path, and stay with it, than put it off - i.e. "wait xxx time units and then reassess" is better than an unfocused delay.

If you want my opinion, LC (tell them, then do it) is the minimum, but it's the hardest to execute ... because of what they've done in the past. Other options on the list below only exist because the relationship has already failed due to their actions.

This doesn't make "defer/reassess at time X" wrong any more than it makes a restraining order wrong.

The point is that any "karmic imbalance" in the medium-term result isn't on you.
In a sense you cannot make a mistake as such. The mistakes are all in the past, and it sounds like you weren't the one making (most of) them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------
Back to the re-post post ....

Your comments about your fiance, and the fact that you've seen it already, are enough for me to re-post.
I've detuned the part about your fiance, since it seems they can be trusted.

Here's a slightly modified version.

By the way the "algorithm" has two purposes:
* A set of possible options from "softer but harder to execute" to "more definite but easier to execute". It's not really complete, but this kind of thing can make decisions easier.
* The 100% part is a reminder of something I used a scenario for in an earlier post:
don't decide on a course of action unless you know you + fiance can actually execute it. Your parents will want to push back. Violating a restraining order once or twice won't get them put in jail, so they may do it.

Here it is - there's probably some duplication now:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@autism-and-autotune

You can't borrow power from a forum, nor shift responsibility to it.

Start by accepting that you have to make this decision, and that it's not going to be conveniently reversible.
Your plan is to permanently change your relationship with your parents. Own it.

You should ask your fiance to actively support you: share the decision, and participate in executing your plan.

You need to be able to count on this person to support you, and:
1. They must never, for any reason, on any topic at all, negotiate with your parents behind your back
2. They must actively help you if (probably when) your parents do something crazy.
<< some unnecessary section removed >>

Surely you can get the courts to rescind the restarting order later?
If so, there's no downside to just doing it.

Either way, you have some choices. An algorithm:

If you know, 100%, that you're strong enough to handle being in occasional contact (LC) with them, do it.

Otherwise, if you know, 100%, that you can deliver an ultimatum restricting their behavior, and enforce it, do it.
They'll test you though, so be absolutely certain you can enforce your rules.

Otherwise, if you know, 100%, you can handle a single meeting with them explaining that you will obtain a restraining order due to their past behavior, have the meeting out of politeness, then do it.
Note: this is not a meeting for renegotiation, or listening to them whine. Those are "LC" options

Otherwise, get the restraining order ASAP, and rather than talking to your parents, use a lawyer.

A rule in conflict: if you can, don't signal your strike, and win with one strike if you can.
Negotiating first is for movies (where the drama is the point) and people who aren't playing to win.


Note that this is "guy-style talk":
100% isn't "more than 80%", it isn't "it feels like it could be 100%", it isn't "I want it to be 100%".

If you have any doubt whatsoever at any level of that algorithm, move down to the next option.

 

[Rodafina]

@autism-and-autotune

It sounds like you have had quite a realization after reading this book.

I see now that you are more committed to going forward with no contact as the best way for you to heal and live your life in the way that you want.

I’m feeling worried that a restraining order is a drastic step and involves a third-party in a way that could actually be unpredictable. But at the same time, I respect your agency and your desire to try to protect yourself from people that have hurt you for your entire life.

 

[330]

I would only do a restraining order if there was violence and threats to your life. As far as cutting relatives out of one’s life that is fairly easy for me. I just don’t associate with them anymore. I am not sure if they can issue one with out those causes.

You would have to have proof of this and witnesses that your life is in danger I think, I could be wrong though .

 

[betazoid]

It sounds like you want this restraining order because you aren't ready to cut your parents off, and you're really hoping this will finally make them understand that they are wrong and finally take you seriously and stop abusing you. If you understand narcissism then you know that that is not possible. They are not and never will be capable of such reflection and change. I can understand that you haven't fully accepted that yet. It's a horrible truth to deal with. But it sounds like you are leading yourself into something that may make the situation much worse. They will absolutely portray you as a terrible person for doing it and you will likely feel more misunderstood than ever, if that's even possible at this stage.

Whatever you do is up to you, but you cannot control a narcissist's behaviour. No one should be trying to control another person's behaviour. You can only draw your own boundaries. Boundaries are not about telling other people how to behave, they're about telling them how you will behave if they refuse to respect your boundaries.

This is such a hard thing to deal with and it sounds like you're really doing your best. Huge respect to you for that. I hope you can find the peace you need one way or another.

I'd also like to just disagree in general with some replies here that have said that some things you've said haven't made sense or that what you've been saying is somehow not understandable. To me, you've made perfect sense with everything you've said and it's all very understandable.

Good luck!

 

[Outdated]

I want them to know what they did in my childhood was wrong

This will simply never happen, you're chasing an impossible dream.

I've learned better than to take a narcissist at their words.

Narcissists are all about getting validation for their own egos, the greatest hurt you can give them is when they find out that they no longer matter. Telling them they no longer matter is counterproductive, the fact that you feel the need to tell them gives them the validation they seek.

As @Hypnalis pointed out above, that was what you were also doing when you started this thread, you weren't asking for advice, you were seeking validation for a decision you say you had already made.

but to have them know why is what is important. If I present all my information with a professional, which cannot be denied or sounding like I'm 'making it all up', then maybe they'll get it.

They never will, certainly not a narcissist anyway. As long as you keep chasing this you will continue to feel hurt. It will never end until you decide to walk away.

Letting things go is hard. This whole thing is hard.

I won't argue with that. The way I coped was to imagine that they'd already died, that I didn't attend the funeral because I generally don't attend funerals, that they were gone for good. I grieved and moved on.

That got upset when they dropped in to visit about 5 years later but the visit was brief and I never heard from them since.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Block their email address, block their number, throw all mail from them in the trash, maybe change your lock if they can enter your house. Done.

You explained in your last thread about the email they sent why you need to cut them off and stay no contact. Putting a restraining order is not easy. It takes filling in a lot of paperwork, generally only lasts a few years (even a "permanent" one, depending on where you live) and when it's all said and done, I'm much less confident than you are that the police/courts would agree on the need for one, especially if it's more about "peace of mind" and "sending a message" than preventing violence. Keep in mind that if you live in the US, physical violence against your children is still legal in many states, and it was in the UK as well until quite recently. You and your family will also need to go to court, where they can make their case as well. What I'm saying is that if you really want "no contact", this action is likely to be counterintuitive. Here is a site detailing how restraining orders work in the US, but you can probably find info for your home country or state.

Like @Outdated said, if one or both of them really are clinical narcissists, they will never accept that how they treated you was abuse, and not just for your own good. Sending a restraining order will likely give them ammo to turn the rest of the family even further against you, and will likely make them seem like even bigger victims. I'm glad the book has helped you understand the trauma you went through, but I also think the only one who can give you "closure" is yourself.

 

[Lecia Wynter]

Ah, well I did a poor job of explaining my situation. My history with my parents includes abuse and neglect, and more recently nagging/obsessive emails where they only talk about their wants and needs.

Thank you for the good luck--I'll need it. I've just...got a lot of thinking to do.

Just redirect those emails to your spam folder.

One of my parents is annoying as hell, loud and distressing noises every other day. Unfortunately there is no "redirect to spam button" I can press to get them to stop. And yes I already told them its annoying as hell. I am looking getting into my own place but rent is sky high because of capitalism

 

[1ForAll]

I am giving advice different than I would for our situation where we had and have no choice but to get a court involved as by law they as parents were entitled to get medical and legal documents for certain court matters here which flairs much my wife's fears and health.

So, we have to get a ruling by the court to prevent them as being legally defined as "interested persons" as they are not interested in her medical, financial, legal and personal well being, but the contrary. They hope for her suffering and have no interest in her health, safety and happiness. We have tons of evidence showing that, and if we succeed it will be the final contact, as they cannot be involved anymore then for future court petitions, and as we cut all contacts off longer ago..

In your case, I admit I think the best way to punish your parents could be to do nothing or to say in one sentence: 'Contact me and/or my fiance again, no matter how nice sounding or brief, I will get a restraining order.' Think of them as potentially going crazy over this lack of information or brief such assertive reply, and being unable to know what more you are thinking and feeling. They are already showing signs of cracking from their last email. By filing such legal paperwork it could give you temporary vindication and relief, but would not you be more mad if they played victim again and/or if the court ruled against you if they saw no serious present danger from them? They would win, in both scenarios.

Now if they do such again, I would reconsider my position, as it is clear then they will have no respect for right verses wrong with regards to leaving you alone. In that case, or right now even, I would get a free consultation with a lawyer first to make sure you have any strong future case. I do not think past abuse and one recent unwanted contact coming to your door may be good enough evidence to get a restraining order. It seems like the evidence must show serious recent violations and harms to you, and likely severe future harm to you without such an order.

Also factor in that any legal action against your parents will likely result in them denying everything and blaming you for everything. How would that resolve your bitterness towards them, even if you win the case? They will tell others that their son filed a crazy restraining order against loving and nurturing father and mother. I am not sure how your parents and you could act in any future court case either. Are they able to turn on and off the charm, or would they likely act ditzy, critical and cold? My wife's parents, despite being former law clerks, acted awful in court against us. Dumb, evasive, unprepared and controlling. That contrasted my nice, respectful, relevant, prepared and polite ways.

So, there are lots of issues to consider. Do you want to take a chance of losing the petition and things being dragged on, with them getting more information during this process where they will likely disrespect your attempts and once again not validate you there, or is it better to show strength by doing the mentioned or by showing you have more patience and control by holding back those impulse desires?

Sometimes the better solution is to not give them the attention and information they crave, if at all possible, and letting them get the hints that way you are not thinking of them anymore and could care less how they feel. The choice is yours obviously as you know the situation more, as you seem to have a harder time displaying abuse details in writing on this forum. Be aware courts need precise details, and it may be forever on public record, which could spread locally. Whatever you choose though I would support your decision, as we would understand the harms such parents can do. Just think all scenarios through.

 

[Aspychata]

So really helpful answers here, and a lot of support. My concern is that you have your paperwork, your *proof*, then you show up and get declined on filing your order of protection as you don't live with them, and they don't control your finances, and finally you don't have police reports to bolster your request. What alot of people are suggesting is going *gray rock*. Where you go no contact. So no matter what they email, send, call, or show up at your door, you don't talk to them. If they show up at your door, and don't leave, call the police, and warn them you are calling the police. Block their phone number. Send their emails to spam. And return their mail back to them unopened. Yes, they harmed you in many ways, and they trigger you and send you into a tunnel of triggers of the trauma you have gone thru. We have many members who are traumatized by moms, dads, siblings. Alot move far away to find closure. Perhaps it's time to find a therapist to deal with years of trauma and neglect, so that you can start living life on *your* terms. This is said in kindness, and l hope you are able to get to some closure, and find your way through the thoughts that you wish to process. Opening up about this took a lot of energy, and sadly pain, but you also are moving towards healing your inner child. If can be quite disturbing to see how much we have been manipulated by those who were supposed to protect us. To move forward,a therapist will you identify these feelings and work with you starting to forgive to move on.

 

[AspieChris]

I disowned both of my parents and walked away from my whole family in my early 20’s. Even my grandparents and little brother. I finally realized that my dad was absent, and my mother was just an awful person. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do but also the best thing I could have ever done.

Saying goodbye only tells them that you still care. The restraining order says you care and you’re afraid they will try to get you back. It also says that you already know that you’re not strong enough to get away. If I were you, I wouldn’t give them that satisfaction. You owe them nothing…. not even an explanation.

I get a birthday card every year from my mother. 20+ years now. She always puts cash money in it because she knows I won’t give her the satisfaction of cashing her check. I open the card, without reading it, take the cash and shred the card. It’s just an attempt to make me respond and I don’t need to get tricked back into her life.

My advice to you is to just walk away. Block their calls and e-mails. It will take a year or two for them to give up but eventually, hopefully, you will just get a card on your birthday.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think a well-rated lawyer is the best equipped to let you in on the laws in your area, what you can do, cannot, what they can do and cannot, what can happen and in what case to act.

Some of the fears you have might be due to a lack of knowledge or understanding of how the dynamics of law work. They will be able to advise you and dismantle any theories that cannot happen, it will help you a lot in decision making, plus they have experience with cases and the law system.

Some of the fears you have about others might disappear too.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

<< last minute edit before I leave (important cricket match to see, only one sports bar in town showing it >>

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I understand the people who see a restraining order as a major step, given the context there's no real difference between LC and a restraining order.

You must make it absolutely clear to your parents they may not disrupt your life, including uninvited contact of any kind, and that they will not do these things because you're prepared to actively enforce your requirements.

So the psychological side is fixed - it has to happen.

Everything else is implementation details. These should be chosen based on your needs, preferences, and wishes, not your parents'.

Something to consider: in a context like this, deferral is a decision. It's better to actively choose a path, and stay with it, than put it off - i.e. "wait xxx time units and then reassess" is better than an unfocused delay.

If you want my opinion, LC (tell them, then do it) is the minimum, but it's the hardest to execute ... because of what they've done in the past. Other options on the list below only exist because the relationship has already failed due to their actions.

This doesn't make "defer/reassess at time X" wrong any more than it makes a restraining order wrong.

The point is that any "karmic imbalance" in the medium-term result isn't on you.
In a sense you cannot make a mistake as such. The mistakes are all in the past, and it sounds like you weren't the one making (most of) them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


-------------------------------------
Back to the re-post post ....

Your comments about your fiance, and the fact that you've seen it already, are enough for me to re-post.
I've detuned the part about your fiance, since it seems they can be trusted.

Here's a slightly modified version.

By the way the "algorithm" has two purposes:
* A set of possible options from "softer but harder to execute" to "more definite but easier to execute". It's not really complete, but this kind of thing can make decisions easier.
* The 100% part is a reminder of something I used a scenario for in an earlier post:
don't decide on a course of action unless you know you + fiance can actually execute it. Your parents will want to push back. Violating a restraining order once or twice won't get them put in jail, so they may do it.

Here it is - there's probably some duplication now:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@autism-and-autotune

You can't borrow power from a forum, nor shift responsibility to it.

Start by accepting that you have to make this decision, and that it's not going to be conveniently reversible.
Your plan is to permanently change your relationship with your parents. Own it.

You should ask your fiance to actively support you: share the decision, and participate in executing your plan.

You need to be able to count on this person to support you, and:
1. They must never, for any reason, on any topic at all, negotiate with your parents behind your back
2. They must actively help you if (probably when) your parents do something crazy.
<< some unnecessary section removed >>

Surely you can get the courts to rescind the restarting order later?
If so, there's no downside to just doing it.

Either way, you have some choices. An algorithm:

If you know, 100%, that you're strong enough to handle being in occasional contact (LC) with them, do it.

Otherwise, if you know, 100%, that you can deliver an ultimatum restricting their behavior, and enforce it, do it.
They'll test you though, so be absolutely certain you can enforce your rules.

Otherwise, if you know, 100%, you can handle a single meeting with them explaining that you will obtain a restraining order due to their past behavior, have the meeting out of politeness, then do it.
Note: this is not a meeting for renegotiation, or listening to them whine. Those are "LC" options

Otherwise, get the restraining order ASAP, and rather than talking to your parents, use a lawyer.

A rule in conflict: if you can, don't signal your strike, and win with one strike if you can.
Negotiating first is for movies (where the drama is the point) and people who aren't playing to win.


Note that this is "guy-style talk":
100% isn't "more than 80%", it isn't "it feels like it could be 100%", it isn't "I want it to be 100%".

If you have any doubt whatsoever at any level of that algorithm, move down to the next option.

I appreciate your advice and how you've broken things down for me. I know the best way to do this would be a firm and unemotional statement. And yes, while LC is uncertain to be held to my boundaries because of the past, a lot of the advice concerning actual restraining orders in this thread is having me be...very cautious. LC does still give them wiggle room, which is irksome. And as much as I know both my fiance and I can stick to a plan, what sort of deterrents or punishments to my parents can be made anyways, should they break the boundaries again? I've been considering just cold-blocking them, regardless and with no explanation.

And I know that I cannot obtain power or courage from here, and it must come from within. I know I have the strength for it, but I must be sure to put the strength where it is absolutely required, and push in the direction required.

And yes, because I am unsure if we have enough evidence to win a restraining order case...all this talk of percentages will take a bit more time for me to digest. Being around them drains all my spoons, so I'd have to consider a meeting carefully.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

@autism-and-autotune

It sounds like you have had quite a realization after reading this book.

I see now that you are more committed to going forward with no contact as the best way for you to heal and live your life in the way that you want.

I’m feeling worried that a restraining order is a drastic step and involves a third-party in a way that could actually be unpredictable. But at the same time, I respect your agency and your desire to try to protect yourself from people that have hurt you for your entire life.

Oh, many realizations! It's super bad if I'm reading these stories and thinking of advice to give these poor people while following none of it myself.

Yep, I'm more committed. Just torn between if I should give them a reason(s), and wrapped in a no-emotion response, or just pull the plug. It's stupid because I think of them crying, of being remorseful and repenting their ways, but this is most likely just guilt and will never happen.

I think so, too. While technically have someone outside the family knowing my case and what they've done is giving my mother what she wants, according to her letter, yes...a full order probably would not be the best move. A big solution to a lot of problems, but tricky therein.

I just...maybe it's an autism thing but I hate lack of closure, and my parents--most likely on the spectrum--or at least from a level of basic human decency, why shouldn't I give them proper closure? Anything to put my boundaries strong and fast but also anything to avoid more victimism on their end.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I would only do a restraining order if there was violence and threats to your life. As far as cutting relatives out of one’s life that is fairly easy for me. I just don’t associate with them anymore. I am not sure if they can issue one with out those causes.

You would have to have proof of this and witnesses that your life is in danger I think, I could be wrong though .

Yeah, it's a good point--many have echoed your thoughts. I mean...it must say an awful lot of how afraid I am if I'm only willing to go to the authorities to have anything to do with my folks rather than meet with them alone.

I just don't want to be around them. I don't like how they affect me or treat me. They loathe my fiance and barely acknowledge their existence. I don't want to give them peace of mind; I want to tell them why I don't want to be around them.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It sounds like you want this restraining order because you aren't ready to cut your parents off, and you're really hoping this will finally make them understand that they are wrong and finally take you seriously and stop abusing you. If you understand narcissism then you know that that is not possible. They are not and never will be capable of such reflection and change. I can understand that you haven't fully accepted that yet. It's a horrible truth to deal with. But it sounds like you are leading yourself into something that may make the situation much worse. They will absolutely portray you as a terrible person for doing it and you will likely feel more misunderstood than ever, if that's even possible at this stage.

Whatever you do is up to you, but you cannot control a narcissist's behaviour. No one should be trying to control another person's behaviour. You can only draw your own boundaries. Boundaries are not about telling other people how to behave, they're about telling them how you will behave if they refuse to respect your boundaries.

This is such a hard thing to deal with and it sounds like you're really doing your best. Huge respect to you for that. I hope you can find the peace you need one way or another.

I'd also like to just disagree in general with some replies here that have said that some things you've said haven't made sense or that what you've been saying is somehow not understandable. To me, you've made perfect sense with everything you've said and it's all very understandable.

Good luck!

yes! You've hit the nail on the head in your first sentence. I...I know it's not possible for them to understand. But part of me feels that admitting the pain is one of the first steps to healing. And it's just crummy to realize that they will never change nor know how or what they did to me and care about it. Maybe the denial in my brain is another driving force for having a third party take part.

I like your description of boundaries.

Thank you for your encouragement :=) I really do appreciate all the responses and perspectives when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This will simply never happen, you're chasing an impossible dream.

Narcissists are all about getting validation for their own egos, the greatest hurt you can give them is when they find out that they no longer matter. Telling them they no longer matter is counterproductive, the fact that you feel the need to tell them gives them the validation they seek.

As @Hypnalis pointed out above, that was what you were also doing when you started this thread, you weren't asking for advice, you were seeking validation for a decision you say you had already made.

They never will, certainly not a narcissist anyway. As long as you keep chasing this you will continue to feel hurt. It will never end until you decide to walk away.

I won't argue with that. The way I coped was to imagine that they'd already died, that I didn't attend the funeral because I generally don't attend funerals, that they were gone for good. I grieved and moved on.

That got upset when they dropped in to visit about 5 years later but the visit was brief and I never heard from them since.

Yeah...chasing impossible dreams is the story of my life.

So essentially, blocking them cold with no further knowledge is a best solution? I've been flip-flopping between telling them off with a reason, or without a reason. And yes...you're right; a bit of validation was what I sought, but also advice too--which from many has been very helpful.

So holding onto it will only make it hurt more, like drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else? Yes; that makes sense.

I guess the huge crux for me is doing this in a compassionate way versus a way which is not, because I don't like hurting people regardless of what they've done to me. At least now in this moment I think that way. Is that fawning?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Block their email address, block their number, throw all mail from them in the trash, maybe change your lock if they can enter your house. Done.

You explained in your last thread about the email they sent why you need to cut them off and stay no contact. Putting a restraining order is not easy. It takes filling in a lot of paperwork, generally only lasts a few years (even a "permanent" one, depending on where you live) and when it's all said and done, I'm much less confident than you are that the police/courts would agree on the need for one, especially if it's more about "peace of mind" and "sending a message" than preventing violence. Keep in mind that if you live in the US, physical violence against your children is still legal in many states, and it was in the UK as well until quite recently. You and your family will also need to go to court, where they can make their case as well. What I'm saying is that if you really want "no contact", this action is likely to be counterintuitive. Here is a site detailing how restraining orders work in the US, but you can probably find info for your home country or state.

Like @Outdated said, if one or both of them really are clinical narcissists, they will never accept that how they treated you was abuse, and not just for your own good. Sending a restraining order will likely give them ammo to turn the rest of the family even further against you, and will likely make them seem like even bigger victims. I'm glad the book has helped you understand the trauma you went through, but I also think the only one who can give you "closure" is yourself.

Yeah, cold-blocking to me seems the best option, given a lot of advice in the thread. They've never had the keys to our home; I remember the shock on their faces when we bought the place and they asked for copies and I said 'no'. They don't deserve to be near my haven.

The way you describe its purpose--peace of mind rather than safety--makes it make a lot more sense now. You're right; in the long-term it sounds counterintuitive. And yes, it would be a way to make more drama and dredge up more victimship on their part.

Yeah. I don't want to turn the rest of the family against me. I mean a lot of them no harm; just my parents. And the only one trying to give me closure is myself--that's why this is so hard. My mind will ruminate on all of this for a long, long time as it always has. I just...can't give myself closure until things are set in a way which agrees with me. But maybe I need to identify what those ways are?