I have Aspergers, been dating for 3 yrs, having issues

[enaidiz]

Hello. I'm 26 years old, and I was officially diagnosed with Aspergers when I was in the 4th grade. I'm dating a neurotypical 26 yr old (I have doubts but she's never been diagnosed with anything).

I found her at a fighting game convention, which is great because fighting games are my main hobby. She is a big gamer (or was before she had to work more at her job), and she's active in our gaming community. She's understanding of my obsessions and she's helped me grow and explore new things as an adult and a functioning member of society.

Despite these positives, there's one problem I've been having that I don't know how to work with. She thinks of me like a mentally handicapped child. It doesn't come up often, but every now and then she'll patronize me about a thing I struggle with (talking to people), and she's ashamed to walk with me in public because of how I dress (I wear baggy clothes and don't tuck my shirt in by default). She has said before that talking to me is like talking to a 7 year old, but I'm not sure how often she feels that way. She avoids the subject usually, and I don't think she likes thinking about my diagnoses (she changes the subject whenever I bring it up and refers to Aspegers as "your thing").

I've brought this up to her a few times but it always makes her sad so I don't like doing it. I love her but I don't know how to deal with this situation.

 

[Suzanne]

I wish I had the answer, but I am married to a neurotypical man and it is hard going and I know that he would echo that about me too!

Could you at least ask her what she knows about aspergers?

The problem is and this is going to be hard to accept, but perhaps she is using aspergers as an excuse to get away with mocking you?

My husband has said to me in the past: you are in the "normal" world and should adapt to our way of thinking. I say in return: I have been trying to adapt my whole life, so how about giving me a bit of break and try to understand me?

He is a little better these days, but still does talk down to me; but I have to admit, I do tend to do the same thing to him, so one has to look at themselves too.

 

[Streetwise]

welcome

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome! Having someone refer to the way you are in a derogatory way is hurtful. Are you sure she means it that way? For instance, I (Aspie woman) often refer to my (possibly Aspie) boyfriend as a man child, because he retains his sense of childlike wonder (and his appetite for sweets and snacks) just like most kids I know. I don’t mean this in a derogatory way at all, I love him for being as excited about the world as a toddler can be. But it doesn’t necessarily sound positive.

 

[Judge]

She has said before that talking to me is like talking to a 7 year old, but I'm not sure how often she feels that way. She avoids the subject usually, and I don't think she likes thinking about my diagnoses (she changes the subject whenever I bring it up and refers to Aspegers as "your thing").

Sorry to hear. Sounds to me like she neither understands your Neurodiversity, nor does she want to. IMO that's an inevitable "deal-breaker". Reflecting just a matter of time before the relationship is terminated- whether by you or her.

I just can't imagine being a couple under such circumstances in the long haul. Too much resentment on the part of both of you just below the surface. Where whatever it is that holds your relationship together, simply won't be enough over time.

What I call a "placeholder" relationship. Two people remaining together until one or both of them finds someone else.

 

[Theta.G]

Sorry you gotta go through that. Ignorant NT's tend to assume that we are retarded and it's not right. They see poor social skills as poor mental function. To be patronized by lesser minds
Try and get her to look into aspergers even just a little. Doesn't have to be directly. Could "accidentally" leave a page open on your laptop in her presence that describes asperger's the way you want her to understand it. "Hey babe, i'm going to bed!" "Night"
*some time later*
looks at laptop and might be intrigued to... discover for herself

If you can get her to understand it then those problems should go away. Unless... she's the type to throw it in your face when you guys argue or when she's in a bad mood.

 

[Fallenwolf]

I agree with pretty much what everyone has stated here. She needs to take the time to research about Asperger's and get to try to understand what you're going through abit more.

I'm NT dating a AS male, and before we even dated, I've went out my way to research about Aspergers low and high to see how it effects the person. I've been researching for months now and now I've even took it a step further and joined this forum to seek advice from those who are actually on the specturm and not just some documentary or things written down by NT mindsets. I want to know what it's like for people on the spectrum through their own eyes and not a NT's eyes on them.

So yes she does need to take the time and get to know more about you and what makes you tick, instead of making fun of you. I have health problems myself, on top of other things I've always had problems with since I was a kid, and to be made fun of cause of them, is very very hurtful. You want someone who is going to understand the issues you go through and try to support/help you.

 

[tducey]

To bad she thinks that way. Asperger's is far from a mental handicap.

 

[Bella Pines]

she'll patronize me about a thing I struggle with (talking to people), and she's ashamed to walk with me in public because of how I dress (I wear baggy clothes and don't tuck my shirt in by default).

Well firstly, good for you, sounds like you're in a good place and growing.

Secondly, I find that people's perception of me is often a reflection of how I see myself. By seeing it as a "struggle", you are automatically putting yourself on your back foot. Instead, see yourself as dark and mysterious with a disinclination for small talk. Aspergers is much more than a disorder, we can process large amounts of information, we think independently, we solve problems. Try instead to embrace what you are and if you can find an inner confidence then she will respect you more.

And for the clothes, it's really not that difficult. Ask her to help you, go online and sort them out. Buy 7 outfits of similar structure and rotate them regularly throughout the course of the week.

 

[tlc]

To bad she thinks that way. Asperger's is far from a mental handicap.

Mine's been 3 years too. She knows of my AS and kinda figured that anyway. And more and more does address me as someone with a mental handicap, but much harsher words. One of the reasons she keeps kicking me closer to being out the door. She probably knows and would never admit that it's far from a handicap, since I'm the only one who keeps this house running or even knows how. And her car. I've said from day one that I'm bad at dealing with people.

I actually thought she might have been AS because she speaks almost mechanically, and has zero empathy for me, family members, coworkers, anybody.

Anyway, are there other traits you have that you can bring to the table to offset the ones she doesn't like?