Hello everyone, been really nervous to post on here but I'm really at a low ebb right now. I was diagnosed with AS at the age of 23 in 2014 which was fantastic as it answered a lot of unanswered questions in my life and gave me a greater understanding of who I am. I'd say I'm pretty mild with how AS effects me and I do now have a greater understanding of it and how it effects me. But I do seem to struggle with one thing...
I have a relatively new girlfriend, we have been together 6 months now and in the main, everything has been going amazingly, we get on really well and I love her to bits. But on Saturday night, I had a meltdown and lashed out because of something she said to me.
When I was diagnosed, I unfortunately got involved in an abusive relationship where I was constantly accused of all sorts and was made to feel really low, I constantly lashed out as a defense mechanism and became really scared of the girl I was with. My girlfriend now is not like that at all, she is kind, loving and sweet.
But her saying something the other day checking I wasn't embarrassing her in front of work colleagues on a night out when talking to them (this boils down to me talking to one but not understanding social cues) gave me a huge instant flash back to how I felt back then and even what was innocent criticism I couldn't deal with and had a meltdown. It's also the first time she has seen me in such a state. Firstly I decided to give her the silent treatment because I was really upset and have my meltdown in peace, she didn't know I was having one and thought I was having a tantrum whereas I was trying to cool down, she kept trying to talk to me so I went into meltdown mode, I was shouting, I was really upset, I said hurtful things and thought at the time it was a personal attack like I've had in the past from previous relationships, I couldn't understand until the next day the difference when things where explained to me what she meant back at home.
This weekend I also had a very stressful situation before this happened in work where I made a huge mistake on my job causing me a virtual sleepless night worrying and overthinking, pretty much fearing the worst that I will lose my job. It put me in a horrible mood where I didn't really want to go out and socialise (it's hard enough in the best of times) but I really didn't want to let my girlfriend down.
I've had meltdowns over various issues whilst I have been with her but always in private or around my family who know how to deal with me. She had to sadly experience this side of me without knowing about it first hand the other night and I feel so so bad for all of it because it was undeserved. Since what happened, happened, I've managed to sit down and explain meltdowns to my girlfriend and she has a greater understanding of them now. I've shown her articles and the film "Adam" to basically try to explain how these can effect people like me. She does now understand a bit better I hope but my fear is long term, this will put her off me massively, I'm pretty sure at the time she was scared of me even though I would never hurt her. I really don't want this to happen again, sorry if this seems pretty long winded but I need like minded people to speak to and try to seek help off.
I have a few questions and if anyone can help, I would be so grateful...
But thank you everyone for reading this and for your time.
Mike
I have a relatively new girlfriend, we have been together 6 months now and in the main, everything has been going amazingly, we get on really well and I love her to bits. But on Saturday night, I had a meltdown and lashed out because of something she said to me.
When I was diagnosed, I unfortunately got involved in an abusive relationship where I was constantly accused of all sorts and was made to feel really low, I constantly lashed out as a defense mechanism and became really scared of the girl I was with. My girlfriend now is not like that at all, she is kind, loving and sweet.
But her saying something the other day checking I wasn't embarrassing her in front of work colleagues on a night out when talking to them (this boils down to me talking to one but not understanding social cues) gave me a huge instant flash back to how I felt back then and even what was innocent criticism I couldn't deal with and had a meltdown. It's also the first time she has seen me in such a state. Firstly I decided to give her the silent treatment because I was really upset and have my meltdown in peace, she didn't know I was having one and thought I was having a tantrum whereas I was trying to cool down, she kept trying to talk to me so I went into meltdown mode, I was shouting, I was really upset, I said hurtful things and thought at the time it was a personal attack like I've had in the past from previous relationships, I couldn't understand until the next day the difference when things where explained to me what she meant back at home.
This weekend I also had a very stressful situation before this happened in work where I made a huge mistake on my job causing me a virtual sleepless night worrying and overthinking, pretty much fearing the worst that I will lose my job. It put me in a horrible mood where I didn't really want to go out and socialise (it's hard enough in the best of times) but I really didn't want to let my girlfriend down.
I've had meltdowns over various issues whilst I have been with her but always in private or around my family who know how to deal with me. She had to sadly experience this side of me without knowing about it first hand the other night and I feel so so bad for all of it because it was undeserved. Since what happened, happened, I've managed to sit down and explain meltdowns to my girlfriend and she has a greater understanding of them now. I've shown her articles and the film "Adam" to basically try to explain how these can effect people like me. She does now understand a bit better I hope but my fear is long term, this will put her off me massively, I'm pretty sure at the time she was scared of me even though I would never hurt her. I really don't want this to happen again, sorry if this seems pretty long winded but I need like minded people to speak to and try to seek help off.
I have a few questions and if anyone can help, I would be so grateful...
- What is the best way to deal with criticism or if your girlfriend has something she needs to check with you, (as like with my situation) without getting hurt and lashing out?
- How do I properly explain what can cause my meltdowns?
- How do I explain that I was abused and constantly accused of things in a previous relationship which can make me over sensitive to criticism and can spark meltdowns?
- How can I understand the difference between someone asking you to stop doing something and someone critisising/accusing you of doing things you're not or don't intentionally mean to do?
But thank you everyone for reading this and for your time.
Mike