Hello everyone, I need some help, AS Male, I'm new on here

[mdoyle330]

Hello everyone, been really nervous to post on here but I'm really at a low ebb right now. I was diagnosed with AS at the age of 23 in 2014 which was fantastic as it answered a lot of unanswered questions in my life and gave me a greater understanding of who I am. I'd say I'm pretty mild with how AS effects me and I do now have a greater understanding of it and how it effects me. But I do seem to struggle with one thing...

I have a relatively new girlfriend, we have been together 6 months now and in the main, everything has been going amazingly, we get on really well and I love her to bits. But on Saturday night, I had a meltdown and lashed out because of something she said to me.

When I was diagnosed, I unfortunately got involved in an abusive relationship where I was constantly accused of all sorts and was made to feel really low, I constantly lashed out as a defense mechanism and became really scared of the girl I was with. My girlfriend now is not like that at all, she is kind, loving and sweet.

But her saying something the other day checking I wasn't embarrassing her in front of work colleagues on a night out when talking to them (this boils down to me talking to one but not understanding social cues) gave me a huge instant flash back to how I felt back then and even what was innocent criticism I couldn't deal with and had a meltdown. It's also the first time she has seen me in such a state. Firstly I decided to give her the silent treatment because I was really upset and have my meltdown in peace, she didn't know I was having one and thought I was having a tantrum whereas I was trying to cool down, she kept trying to talk to me so I went into meltdown mode, I was shouting, I was really upset, I said hurtful things and thought at the time it was a personal attack like I've had in the past from previous relationships, I couldn't understand until the next day the difference when things where explained to me what she meant back at home.

This weekend I also had a very stressful situation before this happened in work where I made a huge mistake on my job causing me a virtual sleepless night worrying and overthinking, pretty much fearing the worst that I will lose my job. It put me in a horrible mood where I didn't really want to go out and socialise (it's hard enough in the best of times) but I really didn't want to let my girlfriend down.

I've had meltdowns over various issues whilst I have been with her but always in private or around my family who know how to deal with me. She had to sadly experience this side of me without knowing about it first hand the other night and I feel so so bad for all of it because it was undeserved. Since what happened, happened, I've managed to sit down and explain meltdowns to my girlfriend and she has a greater understanding of them now. I've shown her articles and the film "Adam" to basically try to explain how these can effect people like me. She does now understand a bit better I hope but my fear is long term, this will put her off me massively, I'm pretty sure at the time she was scared of me even though I would never hurt her. I really don't want this to happen again, sorry if this seems pretty long winded but I need like minded people to speak to and try to seek help off.

I have a few questions and if anyone can help, I would be so grateful...

1. What is the best way to deal with criticism or if your girlfriend has something she needs to check with you, (as like with my situation) without getting hurt and lashing out?
2. How do I properly explain what can cause my meltdowns?
3. How do I explain that I was abused and constantly accused of things in a previous relationship which can make me over sensitive to criticism and can spark meltdowns?
4. How can I understand the difference between someone asking you to stop doing something and someone critisising/accusing you of doing things you're not or don't intentionally mean to do?

I'm really sorry I have to pour my heart out to people on here because I really do love my girlfriend, I now know she was only asking me to stop a conversation but at the time I couldn't understand that and went into meltdown mode because I can't distinguish the difference between asking me something and being accused of things. I just want to ask advice to I can prevent myself from doing these horrible meltdowns again. I'm also really sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I'm not that great with my English skills or describing things, writing was never a strong point in school, I've got no imagination!

But thank you everyone for reading this and for your time.
Mike

 

[tree]

 

[mdoyle330]

View attachment 36385

Hello

I'm glad to finally post on here though, I'm looking forward to getting involved with some more fun discussions and hopefully I can help some people as well.

 

[Warmheart]

Hi and welcome to AC.

 

[Streetwise]

welcome, do everything thats upsetting gradually, the mind of an autist is delicate,
approach it the way you would learning a new skill,write down what you think you could manage and ask her to read it. it maybe better to SOCIALISE in a less complex environment ,go to a place you enjoy like a park -nature is very healing it helped me when i was very stressed
eat a balanced diet as little processed sugar as possible,
take b vitamins they help your nervous system cope with stress

Hello everyone, been really nervous to post on here but I'm really at a low ebb right now. I was diagnosed with AS at the age of 23 in 2014 which was fantastic as it answered a lot of unanswered questions in my life and gave me a greater understanding of who I am. I'd say I'm pretty mild with how AS effects me and I do now have a greater understanding of it and how it effects me. But I do seem to struggle with one thing...

I have a relatively new girlfriend, we have been together 6 months now and in the main, everything has been going amazingly, we get on really well and I love her to bits. But on Saturday night, I had a meltdown and lashed out because of something she said to me.

When I was diagnosed, I unfortunately got involved in an abusive relationship where I was constantly accused of all sorts and was made to feel really low, I constantly lashed out as a defense mechanism and became really scared of the girl I was with. My girlfriend now is not like that at all, she is kind, loving and sweet.

But her saying something the other day checking I wasn't embarrassing her in front of work colleagues on a night out when talking to them (this boils down to me talking to one but not understanding social cues) gave me a huge instant flash back to how I felt back then and even what was innocent criticism I couldn't deal with and had a meltdown. It's also the first time she has seen me in such a state. Firstly I decided to give her the silent treatment because I was really upset and have my meltdown in peace, she didn't know I was having one and thought I was having a tantrum whereas I was trying to cool down, she kept trying to talk to me so I went into meltdown mode, I was shouting, I was really upset, I said hurtful things and thought at the time it was a personal attack like I've had in the past from previous relationships, I couldn't understand until the next day the difference when things where explained to me what she meant back at home.

This weekend I also had a very stressful situation before this happened in work where I made a huge mistake on my job causing me a virtual sleepless night worrying and overthinking, pretty much fearing the worst that I will lose my job. It put me in a horrible mood where I didn't really want to go out and socialise (it's hard enough in the best of times) but I really didn't want to let my girlfriend down.

I've had meltdowns over various issues whilst I have been with her but always in private or around my family who know how to deal with me. She had to sadly experience this side of me without knowing about it first hand the other night and I feel so so bad for all of it because it was undeserved. Since what happened, happened, I've managed to sit down and explain meltdowns to my girlfriend and she has a greater understanding of them now. I've shown her articles and the film "Adam" to basically try to explain how these can effect people like me. She does now understand a bit better I hope but my fear is long term, this will put her off me massively, I'm pretty sure at the time she was scared of me even though I would never hurt her. I really don't want this to happen again, sorry if this seems pretty long winded but I need like minded people to speak to and try to seek help off.

I have a few questions and if anyone can help, I would be so grateful...

1. What is the best way to deal with criticism or if your girlfriend has something she needs to check with you, (as like with my situation) without getting hurt and lashing out?
2. How do I properly explain what can cause my meltdowns?
3. How do I explain that I was abused and constantly accused of things in a previous relationship which can make me over sensitive to criticism and can spark meltdowns?
4. How can I understand the difference between someone asking you to stop doing something and someone critisising/accusing you of doing things you're not or don't intentionally mean to do?

I'm really sorry I have to pour my heart out to people on here because I really do love my girlfriend, I now know she was only asking me to stop a conversation but at the time I couldn't understand that and went into meltdown mode because I can't distinguish the difference between asking me something and being accused of things. I just want to ask advice to I can prevent myself from doing these horrible meltdowns again. I'm also really sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I'm not that great with my English skills or describing things, writing was never a strong point in school, I've got no imagination!

But thank you everyone for reading this and for your time.
Mike

 

[Ambi]

Hello everyone, been really nervous to post on here but I'm really at a low ebb right now. I was diagnosed with AS at the age of 23 in 2014 which was fantastic as it answered a lot of unanswered questions in my life and gave me a greater understanding of who I am. I'd say I'm pretty mild with how AS effects me and I do now have a greater understanding of it and how it effects me. But I do seem to struggle with one thing...

I have a relatively new girlfriend, we have been together 6 months now and in the main, everything has been going amazingly, we get on really well and I love her to bits. But on Saturday night, I had a meltdown and lashed out because of something she said to me.

When I was diagnosed, I unfortunately got involved in an abusive relationship where I was constantly accused of all sorts and was made to feel really low, I constantly lashed out as a defense mechanism and became really scared of the girl I was with. My girlfriend now is not like that at all, she is kind, loving and sweet.

But her saying something the other day checking I wasn't embarrassing her in front of work colleagues on a night out when talking to them (this boils down to me talking to one but not understanding social cues) gave me a huge instant flash back to how I felt back then and even what was innocent criticism I couldn't deal with and had a meltdown. It's also the first time she has seen me in such a state. Firstly I decided to give her the silent treatment because I was really upset and have my meltdown in peace, she didn't know I was having one and thought I was having a tantrum whereas I was trying to cool down, she kept trying to talk to me so I went into meltdown mode, I was shouting, I was really upset, I said hurtful things and thought at the time it was a personal attack like I've had in the past from previous relationships, I couldn't understand until the next day the difference when things where explained to me what she meant back at home.

This weekend I also had a very stressful situation before this happened in work where I made a huge mistake on my job causing me a virtual sleepless night worrying and overthinking, pretty much fearing the worst that I will lose my job. It put me in a horrible mood where I didn't really want to go out and socialise (it's hard enough in the best of times) but I really didn't want to let my girlfriend down.

I've had meltdowns over various issues whilst I have been with her but always in private or around my family who know how to deal with me. She had to sadly experience this side of me without knowing about it first hand the other night and I feel so so bad for all of it because it was undeserved. Since what happened, happened, I've managed to sit down and explain meltdowns to my girlfriend and she has a greater understanding of them now. I've shown her articles and the film "Adam" to basically try to explain how these can effect people like me. She does now understand a bit better I hope but my fear is long term, this will put her off me massively, I'm pretty sure at the time she was scared of me even though I would never hurt her. I really don't want this to happen again, sorry if this seems pretty long winded but I need like minded people to speak to and try to seek help off.

I have a few questions and if anyone can help, I would be so grateful...

1. What is the best way to deal with criticism or if your girlfriend has something she needs to check with you, (as like with my situation) without getting hurt and lashing out?
2. How do I properly explain what can cause my meltdowns?
3. How do I explain that I was abused and constantly accused of things in a previous relationship which can make me over sensitive to criticism and can spark meltdowns?
4. How can I understand the difference between someone asking you to stop doing something and someone critisising/accusing you of doing things you're not or don't intentionally mean to do?

I'm really sorry I have to pour my heart out to people on here because I really do love my girlfriend, I now know she was only asking me to stop a conversation but at the time I couldn't understand that and went into meltdown mode because I can't distinguish the difference between asking me something and being accused of things. I just want to ask advice to I can prevent myself from doing these horrible meltdowns again. I'm also really sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I'm not that great with my English skills or describing things, writing was never a strong point in school, I've got no imagination!

But thank you everyone for reading this and for your time.
Mike

For one thing, I think you're really good at explaining it all in writing, so maybe an email or a written letter would be a good way to communicate these things to her.

As for the meltdowns - I can't tell you how to heal these past wounds. But - I didn't have meltdowns, I would just have a hurricane of emotion - an emotional storm. Before the storm, there would be a quiet period, then an emotional storm for hours or days. So in the immediate triggering situation, I would just get really quiet - yeah, that might seem awkward, but it was way better than melting down, then as soon as I could I would get to an alone place and let the emotional storm happen in private. It really helped to be able to rant somewhere - in a journal, to a friend, etc. During the situation, I might even send a quick text to a friend, or excuse myself to go to the "bathroom" just to cool down and think for a bit, text a friend, even call someone - or leave early if I had to. Just try to delay a melt down until you can go home, if possible? But I haven't had meltdowns, so I can't say I know if you can really do that.

 

[Chance]

• What is the best way to deal with criticism or if your girlfriend has something she needs to check with you, (as like with my situation) without getting hurt and lashing out?

• How do I properly explain what can cause my meltdowns?

• How do I explain that I was abused and constantly accused of things in a previous relationship which can make me over sensitive to criticism and can spark meltdowns?

• How can I understand the difference between someone asking you to stop doing something and someone critisising/accusing you of doing things you're not or don't intentionally mean to do?

Hey MD and welcome...

I don't know that you should ever use any advice I offer but maybe some of it will help.

Dealing with criticism- Stop, take a few deep breaths and think what did you just do to get that reaction?
Was it warranted, or was it BS on their behalf? Proceed with caution to try not escalate the situation.

Meltdowns - I'm not the guy to help you with this... I'm mostly a shutdown, hold it in, and just implode internally guy. Honestly meltdowns might be more healthy, but I don't know what to tell you. My few meltdowns are nothing I need to be bragging about. I go into defense mode. I go from this shy quiet guy, to this freak who doesn't know what the hell he is doing, nor does he care... Then I hate myself over it, because that isn't who I am, thats what someone forced me to become.

Prior abuse - I know tons about that, but its finding the right time, or allowing time to find the right environment. For me its very private, somewhat embarrassing, humiliating even... So this isn't restaurant talk. This is one of those nights out on the boat dock when honesty is all around. Maybe its not about the details, just her knowing things were bad. Then tell her the basics and see what she is curious about... then you know she is interested in understanding and go from there.

Difference between stop and someone criticizing/accusing... I maybe too literal or analytical for this one, but Stop of course is a warning for us to disengage... Think before you go any further... Criticizing and accusing needs to be based on facts, not anger...
So are the charges true? If so RESPOND, don't have a reactive blow up. Think and breathe... I have learned that this is a basic staple of my existence. My chest will tighten up, and things just start sucking really bad from there. When I get upset I tend to nearly stop breathing, or I take very shallow breathes until I am basically starving my body for oxygen and my brain has unleashed the chemical cocktail from hell and I am in trouble. So, I learned this the hard way.

So first off of course apologize to her, (which you probably already have done), next be honest with her about your Asperger's but notice how she responds to that honesty... This is really hard for me because I suck at reading peoples expressions but instead I can "feel" what they think and that is sometimes worse, because I KNOW when they are lying basically without a doubt... but I'm derailing off topic real fast, so maybe that helps a little...

If not I am sure someone here has better connections to what you are going through and can help you a lot.

Good luck...

 

[Nitro]

 

[Suzanne]

checking I wasn't embarrassing her in front of work colleagues on a night out when talking to them (this boils down to me talking to one but not understanding social cues)

Not even an NT would like to be told that they are embarrassing! And if she knows you have aspergers and thus say things that are not "socially acceptable", then she should choose an invironment that would make you feel a bit better or at least, she go and come back at a reasonable time.

You did not take it the wrong way; she meant it as a negative.

• What is the best way to deal with criticism or if your girlfriend has something she needs to check with you, (as like with my situation) without getting hurt and lashing out?

• How do I properly explain what can cause my meltdowns?

• How do I explain that I was abused and constantly accused of things in a previous relationship which can make me over sensitive to criticism and can spark meltdowns?

• How can I understand the difference between someone asking you to stop doing something and someone critisising/accusing you of doing things you're not or don't intentionally mean to do?

It is hard to do, but I am beginning to ask for a clearer understanding from my husband and the couple of times I have done so, there was no need to feel hurt. So, ask her what she means by it and let her say without interrupting her ( a work on for me) and she must agree that you should discuss in it is reasonable what she is saying.

Mmmm good question. I actually find the best thing to do is explain how they CAN HANDLE your meltdowns, because sometimes our meltdowns do not make sense to NT's; whereas if you say to her the best thing to do is leave you alone, so you can calm down, may help her.

I take it you have not explained this to her anyway? Because, generally, women, on hearing about abuse from previous relationships, tend to want to prove they are not like that themselves; the competitive spirit, basically.

By asking for further details.

If she is willing to work with you, great; but if she is not, then be prepared to say good bye.

 

[xudo]

Welcome