Wheelered
New Member
Hi everyone! I'm going to try to be as thorough as I can (and as brief as I can). It would mean a whole lot to me to hear your feedback.
I'm going to just lay it all out here...
I have always felt different. Sometimes I have felt special and sometimes I have felt inferior. Sometimes I have felt extra intelligent and sometimes I have felt extra unintelligent.
I assumed all of my unique traits were due to my childhood (my parents split when I was 6; my father was repeatedly unfaithful, also verbally and physically abusive.... and my mother is unique in many ways).
From about the age of 12-13 I became obsessed with time and how time passes so quickly. It has caused a great fear of death, and makes it hard for me to enjoy the present because I'm so worried about the future and consumed with the past. Again, I thought the anxiety was just from my childhood.
In my mid to late teens I was constantly freaking out about my health. Every headache was a brain tumor. When I was 19 my mother sent me to the doctor had me put on Celexa.
I hated social things. I didn't want to play sports or go to pep rallies because I had to be around other people. Not because I don't desire relationships (I do) but because I felt inferior and always make a mess of things.
In the 2nd grade my "friends" told me they didn't like me because I didn't know how to joke or take a joke (I still struggle with this). I never know what to say socially, and I often say things that don't sound to others how I intended it.
I had girlfriends as a teenager but I always struggled with anger -- exploding if things weren't done exactly how I wanted them or if things weren't said exactly how I wanted them said (or if I even felt like you weren't sincere). Relationships were always rollercoasters of emotions.
My current best friend I've had since the 7th grade but before that I went through friends like t-shirts (and even later on in college I lost friends). My problem is in certain situations I KNOW I'm not supposed to say something but it feels true to me and even if I try to lie about it, my mannerisms give me away. Which, if I'm being honest, I usually feel an almost unbeatable compulsion to say what I feel.
All of this I have always chalked up to OCD, Depression, Anxiety (all things doctors and psychiatrists have officially diagnosed me with). The anger I blamed on being like my father.
As I've gotten older (I'm almost 31), I feel like I've gotten much better at making conversation and social interaction, although it is still a heavy burden, extremely exhausting, and I feel like I'm putting on a show. I've been married to my wonderful wife for 6.5 years now (together a total of 10) and she is amazing. To say that putting up with me has been hell for her is understatement though.
There are so many things I can say, so many things I'm probably forgetting. My brain is going in 10,000 different places and even here I'm finding it hard to put together a coherent thought (I usually feel much more comfortable writing).
So where all of this applies to ASD is the day before yesterday the YouTube algorithm recommend an autism video for me entitled something along the lines of "Why You Might Be Autistic and Not Know It."
I watched the video and it literally scared me. At the end of the video the woman said something like, "And the final sign of autism spectrum is relating to all of these things and not realizing that no one else thinks this way."
It was like I had been punched in the face. My sister-in-law joked one time that I might be "slightly autistic" and I told my best friend about it because it hurt my feelings and he said, "I can see that." That was NOT the response I was expecting.
Me, my wife, and my sister-in-law have a close relationship and they joke around with me all the time about my awkward conversations with people. They joke about the fact that at family gatherings there are extreme moments of tension and I'm completely oblivious. I begin remembering all of this.
I remember a time, in the first year of our marriage, when my mother-in-law was generously buying us a couch for our first home and I made some comment about how "I really wanted genuine leather" instead of cloth. Literally had my wife not told me how offensive and hurtful that was, I would have NEVER realized it.
Sometimes I feel so smart, and then sometimes I cannot grasp even the smallest things. I never even though about autism except in the vein of, "My mom was 39 when she had me, and given the stats, I'm surprised I wasn't born with autism."
So anyways, I took the AQ test and scored a 38 the first time. But I was afraid that I knew what they were looking for and took it again and really tried to be honest, and maybe even try to lighten some of my things and I got a 33 the second time. I took a test on Clinical Partners (in the UK) and Psychcentral.com and both said it was highly likely I was on the spectrum.
There was a question on there about preferring non-fiction over fiction. I didn't even know that was a thing! I've always said fiction wasted time when I could actually be learning something.
I reached out to my wife and told her my suspicions. I'm worried she's not going to believe me because with my anxiety it's always something I'm thinking I have every other day and I'm scared she's going to get fatigued of it eventually. But this is what I told her my reasoning for my suspicion was:
1) Mom gave birth at 39
2) Poor/awkward social skills (she is a 1st hand witness)
3) Very hard to pick up on social cues (although I feel like I get better with age)
4) Jumping from obsession to obsession
5) I can maintain eye contact, but it takes all of my energy and I hate it and I think about how uncomfortable it is the whole time
6) Hypersensitivity to stimulus (this one isn't too strong and I may be wrong on this, but ever since I was a kid, if I went into a store like Walmart or a restaurant the combination of lights and people would kind of make me dizzy or alter my vision -- I've never really told anybody but my wife about it, it hasn't ever effected me except I've noticed it and it's annoying -- if anybody knows what this is and it's not the ASD sensory sensitivity, please let me know!)
7) My freak outs if plans get changed or something doesn't go right (she knows this best also)
8) Difficulty with empathy
9) Difficulty with emotions, intimacy, and sudden outburts
I've always jumped from obession to obsession. My wife describes me as "all or nothing." And once I'm out of an obession and on to a new one, I have a hard time ever returning to the old.
When I'm alone or with my wife, and I'm the least bit stressed I make a "motorboat" sound with my mouth. I never truly relax, and I'm always pretty uptight. Jokes are hard for me. I laugh at comedians and things that are funny but laughing in relationships and enjoying the moment with people is a struggle.
So, if you've read this far, thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it. Where I need your input is here: With my anxiety, I always think I've got something. There's always something that I'm positive I have, and the tests always turn out negative. I'm desperately looking for an answer to why I am the way I am. But I also want to be respectful of this community and I am terrified that I'm wrong and that I'm just anxious or mean or immature or something and just looking for answers and ASD is the current one that is sticking. Because I've read some people's stories and I don't identify with them; some I do. But I wonder how much of it is real and how much of it is me wanting an answer, a community to share with? Please help, any input is appreciated more than you know.
P.S. - I asked my mom if she ever suspected anything when I was a kid. She said no and that no teachers or doctors ever said anything either. But I do remember going to a psychiatrist as a child (presumably because of the divorce) and also having a hearing test (why I would've had that, I have no idea -- I don't have many memories, that's a struggle). My mom's brother has a grandson with "mild asperger's" my mom told me (I knew but had forgotten).
I'm sorry this was so long.
I'm going to just lay it all out here...
I have always felt different. Sometimes I have felt special and sometimes I have felt inferior. Sometimes I have felt extra intelligent and sometimes I have felt extra unintelligent.
I assumed all of my unique traits were due to my childhood (my parents split when I was 6; my father was repeatedly unfaithful, also verbally and physically abusive.... and my mother is unique in many ways).
From about the age of 12-13 I became obsessed with time and how time passes so quickly. It has caused a great fear of death, and makes it hard for me to enjoy the present because I'm so worried about the future and consumed with the past. Again, I thought the anxiety was just from my childhood.
In my mid to late teens I was constantly freaking out about my health. Every headache was a brain tumor. When I was 19 my mother sent me to the doctor had me put on Celexa.
I hated social things. I didn't want to play sports or go to pep rallies because I had to be around other people. Not because I don't desire relationships (I do) but because I felt inferior and always make a mess of things.
In the 2nd grade my "friends" told me they didn't like me because I didn't know how to joke or take a joke (I still struggle with this). I never know what to say socially, and I often say things that don't sound to others how I intended it.
I had girlfriends as a teenager but I always struggled with anger -- exploding if things weren't done exactly how I wanted them or if things weren't said exactly how I wanted them said (or if I even felt like you weren't sincere). Relationships were always rollercoasters of emotions.
My current best friend I've had since the 7th grade but before that I went through friends like t-shirts (and even later on in college I lost friends). My problem is in certain situations I KNOW I'm not supposed to say something but it feels true to me and even if I try to lie about it, my mannerisms give me away. Which, if I'm being honest, I usually feel an almost unbeatable compulsion to say what I feel.
All of this I have always chalked up to OCD, Depression, Anxiety (all things doctors and psychiatrists have officially diagnosed me with). The anger I blamed on being like my father.
As I've gotten older (I'm almost 31), I feel like I've gotten much better at making conversation and social interaction, although it is still a heavy burden, extremely exhausting, and I feel like I'm putting on a show. I've been married to my wonderful wife for 6.5 years now (together a total of 10) and she is amazing. To say that putting up with me has been hell for her is understatement though.
There are so many things I can say, so many things I'm probably forgetting. My brain is going in 10,000 different places and even here I'm finding it hard to put together a coherent thought (I usually feel much more comfortable writing).
So where all of this applies to ASD is the day before yesterday the YouTube algorithm recommend an autism video for me entitled something along the lines of "Why You Might Be Autistic and Not Know It."
I watched the video and it literally scared me. At the end of the video the woman said something like, "And the final sign of autism spectrum is relating to all of these things and not realizing that no one else thinks this way."
It was like I had been punched in the face. My sister-in-law joked one time that I might be "slightly autistic" and I told my best friend about it because it hurt my feelings and he said, "I can see that." That was NOT the response I was expecting.
Me, my wife, and my sister-in-law have a close relationship and they joke around with me all the time about my awkward conversations with people. They joke about the fact that at family gatherings there are extreme moments of tension and I'm completely oblivious. I begin remembering all of this.
I remember a time, in the first year of our marriage, when my mother-in-law was generously buying us a couch for our first home and I made some comment about how "I really wanted genuine leather" instead of cloth. Literally had my wife not told me how offensive and hurtful that was, I would have NEVER realized it.
Sometimes I feel so smart, and then sometimes I cannot grasp even the smallest things. I never even though about autism except in the vein of, "My mom was 39 when she had me, and given the stats, I'm surprised I wasn't born with autism."
So anyways, I took the AQ test and scored a 38 the first time. But I was afraid that I knew what they were looking for and took it again and really tried to be honest, and maybe even try to lighten some of my things and I got a 33 the second time. I took a test on Clinical Partners (in the UK) and Psychcentral.com and both said it was highly likely I was on the spectrum.
There was a question on there about preferring non-fiction over fiction. I didn't even know that was a thing! I've always said fiction wasted time when I could actually be learning something.
I reached out to my wife and told her my suspicions. I'm worried she's not going to believe me because with my anxiety it's always something I'm thinking I have every other day and I'm scared she's going to get fatigued of it eventually. But this is what I told her my reasoning for my suspicion was:
1) Mom gave birth at 39
2) Poor/awkward social skills (she is a 1st hand witness)
3) Very hard to pick up on social cues (although I feel like I get better with age)
4) Jumping from obsession to obsession
5) I can maintain eye contact, but it takes all of my energy and I hate it and I think about how uncomfortable it is the whole time
6) Hypersensitivity to stimulus (this one isn't too strong and I may be wrong on this, but ever since I was a kid, if I went into a store like Walmart or a restaurant the combination of lights and people would kind of make me dizzy or alter my vision -- I've never really told anybody but my wife about it, it hasn't ever effected me except I've noticed it and it's annoying -- if anybody knows what this is and it's not the ASD sensory sensitivity, please let me know!)
7) My freak outs if plans get changed or something doesn't go right (she knows this best also)
8) Difficulty with empathy
9) Difficulty with emotions, intimacy, and sudden outburts
I've always jumped from obession to obsession. My wife describes me as "all or nothing." And once I'm out of an obession and on to a new one, I have a hard time ever returning to the old.
When I'm alone or with my wife, and I'm the least bit stressed I make a "motorboat" sound with my mouth. I never truly relax, and I'm always pretty uptight. Jokes are hard for me. I laugh at comedians and things that are funny but laughing in relationships and enjoying the moment with people is a struggle.
So, if you've read this far, thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it. Where I need your input is here: With my anxiety, I always think I've got something. There's always something that I'm positive I have, and the tests always turn out negative. I'm desperately looking for an answer to why I am the way I am. But I also want to be respectful of this community and I am terrified that I'm wrong and that I'm just anxious or mean or immature or something and just looking for answers and ASD is the current one that is sticking. Because I've read some people's stories and I don't identify with them; some I do. But I wonder how much of it is real and how much of it is me wanting an answer, a community to share with? Please help, any input is appreciated more than you know.
P.S. - I asked my mom if she ever suspected anything when I was a kid. She said no and that no teachers or doctors ever said anything either. But I do remember going to a psychiatrist as a child (presumably because of the divorce) and also having a hearing test (why I would've had that, I have no idea -- I don't have many memories, that's a struggle). My mom's brother has a grandson with "mild asperger's" my mom told me (I knew but had forgotten).
I'm sorry this was so long.