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Finding it harder to move or speak when I'm upset

AuroraBorealis

AuroraBorealis

Well-Known Member
Hi, I experience this thing where sometimes, during emotionally difficult conversations or when I'm quite upset for another reason, I find it harder to move and to speak. My gaze gets more fixated and I tense up and stop speaking. I can hear everything during that and think clearly (as far as I can tell), and I'm never completely unable to move or speak during that, it just takes more effort. It feels a bit like I need to overcome some barrier to speak or move. I don't decide to do it consciously and I don't really notice when it starts, it's more like it creeps up on me and, suddenly, I find myself in this feeling. I don't do it to punish people around me, but it happens sort of automatically, although sometimes it's a bit hard to tell, since it can be mixed with me being angry the other person and also not wanting to talk to them. But it can also happen when I'm not at all angry at the person who's with me and my not talking and not moving has nothing to do with them but happened for example because of an upsetting phone call. It can also happen when I'm alone and am very upset about something. It never got as far as me being completely unable to speak or move, as I said, it just gets physically harder. Sort of like my body sinks into this feeling of inertia and "wants" to stay there and I need to actively pull myself out of it again. Once I did, it's back to normal or at least easier again.

I am familiar with the fact that I experience meltdowns, especially when I'm oversocialized. But I never considered myself experiencing shutdowns. After thinking a bit about this and a bit of Google research, I've been wondering if it's sort of an initial stage of a shutdown? As far as I know, during a shutdown, you're completely unable to move or speak and other people can't reach you. Am I wrong? Also, I do hear and see everything during these experiences and think clearly, I just can't react (or only via more effort).
Do you experience something similar? Is this how a (partly) shutdown can present itself?
Thank you for your opinions!
 
I've spoken on this topic many times. Absolutely, this experience or phenomenon is quite common with most people, autistic or not, but for sure, it is amplified in autism. Once those darn emotional centers are triggered, you can pretty much forget about having a calm, rational, logical, and meaningful interaction. All your cognitive biases are on full display, your cognition drops significantly, your neuro-motor skills are adversely impacted, all your autistic traits are amplified, and basically, no good comes of it.

If allowed to amplify further, it can lead to a full-blown meltdown or shutdown.

Usually, this topic comes up when we are speaking of interpersonal relationships between boyfriend-girlfriend, spouses, life partners, etc. Usually, its the neurotypical partner trying to figure out why their autistic partner is behaving in certain ways during "critical conversations" aka arguments. "Did you raise your voice in a forceful manner? Well, your autistic partner's brain "just shut off" to the conversation as a stress response. Don't do that. If you have been doing that, then you had better change your technique."

Welcome to the club.
 
When I get tired and overwhelmed I either start getting angry and uncontrollably aggressive (verbally, thank god), or I just start getting passive.

My thinking starts to slow down and my mind starts to wander, I start staring nowhere (but usually towards shiny things, but not exactly focusing to them), and eventually I kind of "sleep my eyes open" (at worst, I can't see, hear, think or remember anything) and people actually need to wake me up. On its own, it usually goes away in a few minutes.

When I am awake, I can move and speak just fine (in limits of a person who has just been awaken).

I think that is my version of shutdown, yours might start from movement and verbal capabilities. Brains probably trying to save their resources or something. I don't know.

Oh... I also start getting feeling that everything is louder that usual, and sometimes even smallest lights start to create halos and otherwise disturb my vision (like in hangover), but that is rare. Normally I don't consider myself particularly sensory sensitive.
 
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I am definitely this way. I will overload on questions that are personal, when I get asked what I am thinking about, and/or if I already feel crappy mentally. Though I do think my poor self-esteem and general self-loathing tends to fuel alot of my overloading and shut downs.
 
I can relate to this a lot. especially with people who are NT. or when people just try to get it but never do.
 
I experience the same under several circumstances:

1. If I'm tired but have to interact with people. The more I try, the more tiring it becomes. Worse if people start asking questions. Sometimes I feel confused and I forget things. I just want to go away and take a nap.

2. When I'm physically ill -- like a cold or other illness. It's too much effort to interact.

3. When I'm in a social situation with a lot of people or noise. It's supposed to be a form of anxiety, but I don't feel anxious either. I just can't talk or forget how to interact with people. It's a lot worse if I need to switch language (I'm bilingual).

4. If I'm upset. I hate when people yell at me. I can get so furious that I can't speak.

5. If the other persons gets too emotional. I just turn off. Yes, it doesn't help one bit.

It's not that I can't speak a word, it's just that I can't say much. Yes, no, I'm tired. I just want to sleep and be by myself.
 
When I get mad or upset, I take myself out of the situation. I get quiet and ignore the person who put me in that mood. It’s like the silent treatment. I don’t like to blow up to say anything bad to that person, which is why I go quiet. I think it’s better to do that.
 
The OP really resonates with my experience. I wish I could explain it better. Its like someone has tased me and I am unable to respond.
 
I definitely relate to this. Like it’s been said by others, I can start shutting down if I’m really tired and someone is agitating me. I’ve also shut down in confrontations. I usually try to remove myself to avoid the shutdowns making things worse.
 
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Oh, forgot about one. If I'm in a meeting (work or social) where there is a lot of tension. People arguing openly or subtly. For a long time I thought that ASD was not possible for me because I have "theory of mind" and empathy. I sense when something is not right, even if I can't tell what exactly. I can shutdown or get too tense, although at the moment I could probably not explain that I'm tense. It's strange sensation.
 
Okay if l am with my autistic guy, l am totally overwhelmed. Like he is so handsome l lose it.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
I've spoken on this topic many times. Absolutely, this experience or phenomenon is quite common with most people, autistic or not, but for sure, it is amplified in autism. Once those darn emotional centers are triggered, you can pretty much forget about having a calm, rational, logical, and meaningful interaction. All your cognitive biases are on full display, your cognition drops significantly, your neuro-motor skills are adversely impacted, all your autistic traits are amplified, and basically, no good comes of it.

If allowed to amplify further, it can lead to a full-blown meltdown or shutdown.

Usually, this topic comes up when we are speaking of interpersonal relationships between boyfriend-girlfriend, spouses, life partners, etc. Usually, its the neurotypical partner trying to figure out why their autistic partner is behaving in certain ways during "critical conversations" aka arguments. "Did you raise your voice in a forceful manner? Well, your autistic partner's brain "just shut off" to the conversation as a stress response. Don't do that. If you have been doing that, then you had better change your technique."

Welcome to the club.
Click to expand...
Thank you for the detailed response. It makes a lot of sense. I do experience it mostly with my partner, but I don't think it's because of his way of communicating, it's probably more that it gets entangled with emotionally difficult experiences in my past. My parents used to fight a lot and violently when I was young, and I used to shut down then as well. I'd stop eating (since it was usually during meals), stop talking, just tense up and start crying silently. Due to that, I am very sensitive to people fighting around me and it's a situation where I can easily shut down. This is not really helpful, also since my partner is very different and cognitively I know that he's very calm and rational and there's no danger coming from him when we have an argument, but my body just shuts down. It's probably some trauma-associated response, maybe my autism makes it easier for me to react that way, I don't know. I guess I just have to learn over time that with him there's no danger anymore.

Edit: Since these shutdowns also happen when I'm "just" socially overstimulated and tired, I don't think they're only a trauma-response. But it's probably entangled.
 
Thank you. I am learning a lot though interacting on these boards :cool:

This is a key question for me. Why do I "run away" from emotionally challenging situations?

It's good to put my experience into perspective: it's not just me, and might well be something to do with my ASD.

For me, whenever I feel emotionally challenged (e.g. by someone going off the deep end, or by communication from someone which indicated that they *could be* really angry - even when they're not), then I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my brain just freezes up. Kind of like an 'UH-OH' but magnified quite a bit. I feel that the connection between mind and communication no longer works properly.

It usually takes some time (10 mins+) for me to calm down once the stimulus is removed. It's really a horrible feeling.
 
I guess all my life, or at least as far back as I can remember, anytime someone or multiple people are yelling at me I will shutdown. I remember that even in very early grade school when the teacher is verbally bashing me for not speaking.

When I shutdown, I cannot utter a sound. I try, straining hard with extreme effort, but nothing will come out. A very horrible feeling. Sometimes, when I'm on the edge of a shutdown, I can speak single words at a time with a few seconds delay between each word, taking a very long time just to complete one sentence. Very frustrating and embarrassing. If the person I'm talking to starts to yell at me, then it's a total shutdown.

I'm still the same; haven't ever changed throughout my life. I suppose a "shutdown" is the proper term. I have always called it a lockup.
 
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