Feeling a Total Disconnect From Immediate Family (ie Parents, Siblings)

[Beverly]

Some of mine are jealous and envious of me. I have one EX sister who tried to become a professional photographer and, who pushed her young daughter into professional dance (which is against the religion she professes to be.) All in an effort to gain even a fraction of the fame I have. I just laugh at her efforts, it hasn't worked so far and, she's been through five husbands, alienated her son and, left her daughter with numerous stress and anxiety related issues.

Now, I've got a great "family" not one of them shares any blood with me but, I've learned more and found more love, support and, acceptance form them that I could have even imagined getting from my blood family. A couple of them are even Aspies, like me, the rest aren't' but, with us that doesn't matter one bit, we're family even if nothing legal or blood wise says we are.

I have a it of my birth mother's looks and, my birth father's hair and eyes, that's all. Nothing of my personality or behavior is from them, not any more. When I separated from them legally, I reinvented myself, with the support of my inner circle at the time. I've got far more in common with my fellow musicians and other entertainers than with my birth family. I didn't learn caring, compassion, tolerance or, acceptance from my birth family. I learned that form my REAL family, the one I have now.

 

[garnetflower13]

Sometimes, we get some of our traits from past family members that are not our parents. Like maybe we get something from our grandparents, etc. It's not always quite predictable how a person may act or even look like. Things can change with outside factors too of course.

I was often told by my mother that I both resembled and behaved like my maternal grandmother!

 

[garnetflower13]

Now, I've got a great "family" not one of them shares any blood with me but, I've learned more and found more love, support and, acceptance form them that I could have even imagined getting from my blood family. A couple of them are even Aspies, like me, the rest aren't' but, with us that doesn't matter one bit, we're family even if nothing legal or blood wise says we are.

That sounds perfectly wonderful! I have often felt that I was a "throwback" to some distant ancestor, because I am not like any of my siblings. Also, I have come to realize that I was the best looking out of all four girls born in my family. Not that I cared; all it ever seemed to do is cause resentment and jealousy among my sisters, and sexual harassment from the outside world. I was also the only one to graduate from college.

 

[hiraeth]

Thank you for this discussion - it is really an important one.

I've never felt any kind of emotional connection to my parents, and society really does a damn good job at making me feel inhuman for being this way. I literally have never given two shits that they were never affectionate towards me growing up and didn't particularly want to have me around - it felt more natural that way, actually. The few times when they have tried to express anything "more" intense than polite friendliness towards me, I have felt extremely creeped out. No, I'm not at that level of emotional intimacy with you nor do I have any interest in getting there. Forcing it on me is overstepping my boundaries. Back off.

The reason why it feels unnatural is very simple, really - there's an inherent power imbalance between us. Even though I'm a fully independent adult and I don't see such an imbalance, they do, and they always will, and they make it show through the way they treat me ever single time we interact. Every single time we interact, it reaffirms to me that emotional intimacy is not possible. I wouldn't be able to become emotionally intimate with anyone who is convinced that they have a position of power over me, regardless of the circumstances.

My dad doesn't talk to me anymore because he's just an asshole of a person, and my mom I still talk to but I relate to her only as an adult mentor, not as a "mother", whatever that actually is supposed to be like.