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Exhausting mentally and emotionally

You know this is what I'm finding after being here for awhile. The Aspies who also want to learn more about their NT wives have the more successful marriages. It can't just be the NT making sacrifices. No marriage should be one-sided. If an Aspie doesn't want to try to understand what an NT needs, then they need to date an Aspie. It also goes the other way - if an Aspie is married to an NT that does not want to learn more about Asperger's, then they will need to think about whether they want to continue that relationship or not. There are major differences between Aspie's and NT's especially in communication that will always take work from both sides. If I'm ever with an Aspie, I want my Aspie to be happy and I hope he wants to try to make sure that I'm happy too.
 
Suzanne said:
Ditto Greg. I shocked myself sunday actually, because I received a: real pleasure talking with you Suzanne lol That NEVER happens to me, so obviously I was feeling less aspie then! Just wish it would happen more often. I end up stuttering and losing my words and spitting and talking too fast etc etc.
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I also find that when the conversation unravels I just get frustrated then defensive and then the conversation escalates.
 
Grumpy Cat said:
Aspie guys reading this: NT women need to hear how you feel about them quite a bit. I read in an Aspie book that Aspies shouldn't have to have a "why" of why NT's need certain things - it just is and the Aspie should try their best to fulfill this need if they find their NT is needing a particular need. Otherwise your NT is going to feel sad and depressed like we are seeing here. That's also why Aspie men should learn all they can about NT women. Sometimes we're kinda complicated. :D
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I feel like this post addresses the issue being discussed in a way that isn't helpful. It singles out aspie men and gives them unsolicited advice about how to meet the needs of an NT woman.

If the post had been from the point of view of an NT man and directed towards Aspie women, I would have found it patronising.
 
No one wants to be the only available source of love. That's what's hard, when it's a particular kind of validation you're after.

One of the great hallmarks of emotional maturity is the ability to distract oneself when instant gratification isn't possible. We look for this in children--because the inability to accept that a need isn't going to get immediately met is appropriate for babies, less for for toddlers.

This is not to say that the OP is childish, necessarily. However, the older we get, the more problematic the gratification problem becomes. As a pattern, it suggests a permanent wrong turn. As an occasional irritant, it can prompt false conclusions and bad decisions, especially about one's value to other people. In my experience, we need four or five people to supply the mix of loves that as individuals we will thrive on, and with one or two exceptions, we need people to supply multiple loves for those times when one particular "lover" is just not available for one reason or another.

I apologise for the verbosity, I don't have time to edit this down...please pardon.
 
Vinca said:
I feel like this post addresses the issue being discussed in a way that isn't helpful. It singles out aspie men and gives them unsolicited advice about how to meet the needs of an NT woman.

If the post had been from the point of view of an NT man and directed towards Aspie women, I would have found it patronising.
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I disagree. What are threads made for if not for advice? The article comes from an NT woman in a relationship with an Aspie man who is voicing her concerns or "feelings". I'm an NT woman saying what is on my mind about the situation. Any Aspie man who wants to contribute is welcome to do so, as well as Aspie females like yourself. We have had some Aspie men in this thread that I am in agreement with. If an Aspie man is in a relationship with an NT woman, who better to hear some views from but another NT woman? If they think that I am giving advice that they don't want to hear, then don't listen to my views. Simple as that.

I, as an NT woman, am willing to hear ANY advice that they can give me on Aspie men. I do not see it as patronizing in the least. I am here on this site to learn all I can.
 
Aspergirl4hire said:
In my experience, we need four or five people to supply the mix of loves that as individuals we will thrive on, and with one or two exceptions, we need people to supply multiple loves for those times when one particular "lover" is just not available for one reason or another.
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A partner (husband) fills different needs that other people can't. Are you saying that I should find another person to fulfill the needs that my husband isn't able to fulfill at that time?
 
Aspergirl4hire said:
No one wants to be the only available source of love. That's what's hard, when it's a particular kind of validation you're after.
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Good point. Romantic relationships reflect only one form of validation when there are others that really count as well. Love and/or respect from friends, family, professional colleagues, even pets. And then there's the deep satisfaction we get from our hobbies and passions from things not necessarily revolving around living beings at all.

Significant others don't hold a monopoly on the importance of emotional validation. I'd think at least not in our case. Their wants and needs rank highly, but they shouldn't realistically expect uniform exclusivity either.

One can long to be put on a pedestal, but it's likely to get lonely up there all by themselves.
 
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I'm just going to have to let this go because some are just not going to understand. I think in order to understand, one has to be an NT woman. I understand about having girlfriends and such to fulfill the "small talk" needs and "going out" needs because I have stated about that in other posts of mine. How many NT women coming to this site saying that they aren't getting their "needs" met from their Aspie other and how depressed and lonely they are is it going to take before it's realized that there is a problem that needs to be addressed? Aspie books are telling NT women to expect a lonely life if involved with an Aspie mate. All I'm trying to do, as an NT woman, is give some pointers that may help Aspie men in their relationships with NT women. That's the main reason why I have stayed here on this site is to bridge the gap in communication between Aspies and NT's. Take my advice or not.
 
asman said:
I agree with you, it is really really hard on an NT person who is in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. My wife has been miserable with me for many years. She knows that I love her, but she cannot feel it. I tried and tried to make her feel my love for her, but it did not work.
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I am sure she is not miserable with, you cannot live with that thought. Even in an NT/NT relationship there are difficulties. My partner is so affectionate when we are together and I know it is hard for him too. He tells me I am the most laid back partner he has had! Don't get me wrong I would not let him treat me badly I just know how not to push the wrong buttons and stress him out. We do talk and I know he listens but he is only capable of giving so much.
You sound like a lovely man who has obviously really made the effort with your wife xx
 
I think I need to point out that I was just missing him and needed to offload. I totally understand his needs and I completely accept and love who he is. Our coMmunocation has grown and although he was stressed he talked to me all evening via text and I supported him. I have never tried to change him, I know this can be hard for both of us but I cannot think of a better man to be in love with. I will take him over an NT man anyday, his honesty is refreshing.
 
Grumpy Cat said:
I disagree. What are threads made for if not for advice? The article comes from an NT woman in a relationship with an Aspie man who is voicing her concerns or "feelings". I'm an NT woman saying what is on my mind about the situation. Any Aspie man who wants to contribute is welcome to do so, as well as Aspie females like yourself. We have had some Aspie men in this thread that I am in agreement with. If an Aspie man is in a relationship with an NT woman, who better to hear some views from but another NT woman? If they think that I am giving advice that they don't want to hear, then don't listen to my views. Simple as that.

I, as an NT woman, am willing to hear ANY advice that they can give me on Aspie men. I do not see it as patronizing in the least. I am here on this site to learn all I can.
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For this thread, it would seem to me, to be more appropriate that the focus of the posts would be to help/give advice relevant to the original poster rather than offering advice to male aspies on how to meet the needs of NT females.

My post haven’t focused on giving help advice to the original poster but have been born out of an emotional response I had to your post and so I felt compelled to post and express what I thought. Which led me to wonder whether your post was also born out of a response to posts other than the original post?
 
To be honest I wasn't looking for advice I just needed to vent! I was feeling sorry for myself it really was that simple.
 
TeriM said:
To be honest I wasn't looking for advice I just needed to vent! I was feeling sorry for myself it really was that simple.
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Ah, that'll happen if you start a thread on it. Starting a thread is starting a conversation... ;)

I'm sorry that I didn't know you were venting. Do you know about the Ranting Room?

"No advice. No opinions. No looking for support. Just a place to get it off your chest.
All those things you want to say but can't... The floor is yours"

Not that people won't engage if they think a poster's in serious pain, but it's the thread where feeling sorry for ourselves is the default expectation.

Judge said:
Good point. Romantic relationships reflect only one form of validation when there are others that really count as well. Love and/or respect from friends, family, professional colleagues, even pets. And then there's the deep satisfaction we get from our hobbies and passions from things not necessarily revolving around living beings at all.

Significant others don't hold a monopoly on the importance of emotional validation. I'd think at least not in our case. Their wants and needs rank highly, but they shouldn't realistically expect uniform exclusivity either...
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Exactly my point. I can expect the aspie to be at a slight disadvantage in an NT relationship, because we generally seem to have much, much smaller social circles, but that doesn't mean our validation needs are any less. I was thinking about that when I wrote my first response.
 
Vinca said:
For this thread, it would seem to me, to be more appropriate that the focus of the posts would be to help/give advice relevant to the original poster rather than offering advice to male aspies on how to meet the needs of NT females.

My post haven’t focused on giving help advice to the original poster but have been born out of an emotional response I had to your post and so I felt compelled to post and express what I thought. Which led me to wonder whether your post was also born out of a response to posts other than the original post?
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Pardon me, but yes my post was to the OP because I'm able to see the bigger picture and to put myself in the place of how she might be feeling. The OP is an NT female going out with an Aspie male. The subjects are connected. I also don't like being told what I should and shouldn't be saying. I'm all for everyone on this site being able to speak their minds and I should be no different.

What I'm looking at are the ones who were disagreeing with me on this thread and wondering how many of them are in successful Aspie/NT relationships? You know, I've listened with an open mind and received some pretty good information here because i believe who better to get my questions answered about Aspies than Aspies themselves. I'm not finding the same about some Aspies wanting to learn more about NT's - NT's that they have to deal with in everyday life (family,friends,co-workers). It takes an open mind and a willingness to listen from both sides. On this thread you saw me get tired (and a little upset) of trying to explain how I see things in regards to relationships surrounding NT's and Aspies. I've been on this site now for about 15 months and I think Aspies are great, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed this long. I just wish that some Aspies here would have more of an open mind and maybe they would get some information that just might be useful to them at some point. They shouldn't be so quick to close the door on people that are just trying to help.
 
Aspies make this strange division between them and NT people which I don't understand. I have asperger's, which was removed from the DSM V, so I now am high-functioning autistic. I see certain parts of the world differently from NT people , and differently from other people that are aspies. If you read the tons of the posts you will see how aspie people vary, so I honestly can't see a line that someone can draw jn the sand and say all these people are aspie and these people are NT and you are very different and can't play together.

On top of that some people are self diagnosed which is fine but this division of NT and aspie business needs to calm down.
 
Harrison said:
Yep, working for me. Find an aspie that matches your quirks and marry 'em :)



1000 likes for nailing it :)
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I'm both agreeing and disagreeing with king Oni. Back before I knew I had aspergers, I dated a guy with what I believe was HFA. He was a very strange guy, but I was young,naive, and had a crap home life, and I figured a guy who paid me some attention was better than being alone. (Yeah, it's sad it's pathetic I get it ...) He was interested in sex, football, and getting drunk. O and computers. But not me as a person. The funny thing is one could argue this sounds like a lot of guys in their 20's, but he was in his thirties at the time.

My husband, as far as I know, is not on the spectrum. He does, however have a few atypical traits, and like me has had a less than ideal upbringing. So we have that in common: we are both acutely aware that there is more than one reality. (Growing up in a medical household I was also aware that people are not cookie cutouts living in boxes made of ticky tacky.) He is also capable of changing, seeing an alternate viewpoint, and stepping into someone else's shoes - which a lot of NT people seem incapable or unwilling to do. I've lost some of my naivety and no longer believe that if there is a relationship problem it MUST be my fault by way of me being different.

I think some relationships are just incompatable . That's not rocket science. Most of us don't marry the first person we date. But I don't think it hinges on whether one is dating a aspie, or "opposing" neurology. I've met plenty of NTs who have crappy communication skills and lack of empathy and compassion .(Our families of origin, for a start..)
 
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