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Exhausting mentally and emotionally

TeriM

Well-Known Member
Sometimes being an NT in love with a guy with HFA can be so exhausting. Not that he does anything wrong he is just being himself, but it can take all my energy. He has no idea he hurts me sometimes, what is the point in telling him, it isnt intentional and he can't change who he is. Sorry to off load on you all, just feeling neglected and sad and my eyes are red and puffy :((
 
I can understand where you are coming from. I drive my wife nuts in the things that I can't do. So many times I overlook the obvious and don't think it through. Communication is a huge issue because I am unable to verbally get out what is in my head or how I feel about something. There are times when I am just plain blunt and just say whatever it is that I am thinking.
 
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I can understand where you are coming from. I drive my wife nuts in the things that I can't do. So many times I overlook the obvious and don't think it through. Communication is a huge issue because I am unable to verbally get out what is in my head or how I feel about something. There are times when I am just plain blunt and just say whatever it is that I am thinking.

It isnt even that Greg, I was meant to see him tonight but he is in a bad place so isnt coming over and you know I get that, I know he needs space to deal with his stress. Just my needs are different and I need to know he loves me, which he says he does. It is just hard not being able to spend more time together. I absolutely adore him I just hope I am right in believing he does me :( thanks for replying xx
 
So sorry to hear that you're feeling low :( I, too, am an NT enamored with an Aspie man and am continually striving to keep lines of communication open. While you certainly have a right to retreat to your own little cave and allow yourself to feel your own exhaustion and sadness (because these are certainly legitimate reactions), don't forget to open up those lines of communication again when you're feeling up to it! If he "has no idea," maybe you can try again to express yourself as clearly as possible--not with the intent to change him, but to let him know how you are reacting to some things.

If you are both able to talk openly with each other, who knows, you might just learn how exhausted he is, too! Dealing with NTs is no treat, and maybe realizing that you're both under some relationship stress will inspire you to work together to find some common ground where you might both be comfortable :)

Hang in there!
 
I'm the Aspie and my husband is the allistic one, and we have that problem often. I think it's just a man thing, and why most women have that one other woman whether it's a friend or relative they go to when they need to jaw the ears off of someone. Most men just ain't as chatty as us ladies.
 
I drive my husband nuts! I was talking with this woman, who's son is an aspie and married to an nt. I asked how he was fairing and she said: not too bad, but his wife is so frustrated with him and yet, she said before they got married: oh I can cope him being an aspie; no problem! She moans: surely he knows that he smells and needs to wash? Yes, says mother in law, but when he gets so immersed with what he is doing, the mundane thing of washing, just does not exist, so you could try saying: hey, William, you smell, go and wash!

My husband used to moan that I never touch him ie caress him. At the time, we were unaware that I have aspergers but I was so surprised when he said that and had to make myself think: caress your husband. He comes home from work and it never occurred to me that I should be there to meet him, plus if doing something, it was an inconvenience when he turned up. I have now adapted and think: go and meet him and get his robe and offer him a drink. It was not me realising this, it was him saying that he works hard for us both and it is horrible to come home to a wife who acts as though he doesn't exist.

I can see where you are coming from though because you have a hard time distinguishing from him being an aspie cold emotionally, to - uninterested emotionally, which I can appreciate would be very draining for you.

If you are not married, perhaps you could reconsider if you can deal with this, because really, there is no: getting better and things will work out, unless you are the one to bend for his needs.

It certainly does take a emotionally strong person to deal with us aspies!
 
I can understand where you are coming from. I drive my wife nuts in the things that I can't do. So many times I overlook the obvious and don't think it through. Communication is a huge issue because I am unable to verbally get out what is in my head or how I feel about something. There are times when I am just plain blunt and just say whatever it is that I am thinking.

Could you try sending her a text or email? I have taken to doing this with my husband and it works fairly well. I actually get into a panic when I need to address an issue and so, when I blurt it out, I am blunt and rigid, which causes a heck of a lot of trouble. But I am tons better online and so, I explain how I feel and I feel better and he does not get so wound up!
 
Aspie guys reading this: NT women need to hear how you feel about them quite a bit. I read in an Aspie book that Aspies shouldn't have to have a "why" of why NT's need certain things - it just is and the Aspie should try their best to fulfill this need if they find their NT is needing a particular need. Otherwise your NT is going to feel sad and depressed like we are seeing here. That's also why Aspie men should learn all they can about NT women. Sometimes we're kinda complicated. :D
 
Aspie guys reading this: NT women need to hear how you feel about them quite a bit. I read in an Aspie book that Aspies shouldn't have to have a "why" of why NT's need certain things - it just is and the Aspie should try their best to fulfill this need if they find their NT is needing a particular need. Otherwise your NT is going to feel sad and depressed like we are seeing here. That's also why Aspie men should learn all they can about NT women. Sometimes we're kinda complicated. :D

Or we could... you know, date other aspies.

I kid of course, since it's not that simple.

What I find interesting is the assumption that we remember to care, so to speak. Reading some people's threads on this forum; some even forget to do groceries and need reminders for that (and thus ask for advice on how to prioritize in life and live life through lists). Showing affection, and with that probably, an honest display of affection rather than a "oh, wait... I should ask how he/she is since it's noon". That's the (sad) truth for some of us on the spectrum.

Furthermore; You say that it leaves the NT sad and depressed. How about the aspie that's being left sad and depressed because he feels he's being put into a certain pattern of expectation. Suppose it comes down what's more important, the NT or the aspie in the relationship, especially when showing affection isn't always as reciprocal and on an equal level. Either the NT has to accept the aspie won't, or the aspie has to force to show affection and interest.

The moral of the story though; if you date an aspie, or if you're an aspie and you date an NT, you probably know a bit of what you get yourself into. I just hope more people would be aware that feelings and the entire emotional spectrum for both aspies (or any kind of autistic person) and neurotypicals can't be planned and forced.
 
Or we could... you know, date other aspies.

Yep, working for me. Find an aspie that matches your quirks and marry 'em :)

The moral of the story though; if you date an aspie, or if you're an aspie and you date an NT, you probably know a bit of what you get yourself into. I just hope more people would be aware that feelings and the entire emotional spectrum for both aspies (or any kind of autistic person) and neurotypicals can't be planned and forced.

1000 likes for nailing it :)
 
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It isnt even that Greg, I was meant to see him tonight but he is in a bad place so isnt coming over and you know I get that, I know he needs space to deal with his stress. Just my needs are different and I need to know he loves me, which he says he does. It is just hard not being able to spend more time together. I absolutely adore him I just hope I am right in believing he does me :( thanks for replying xx

Hi TerriM,
I agree with you, it is really really hard on an NT person who is in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. My wife has been miserable with me for many years. She knows that I love her, but she cannot feel it. I tried and tried to make her feel my love for her, but it did not work.

In the beginning, I was also not spending time with her, and she thought i did not love her. I finally understood her needs and i tried to spend more time with her, but she still is not able to always feel the emotional side of me.

Just keep in mind that this is frustrating for both parties, and it isn't easy to make things work, but it is possible. :)

Most of the time, you just have to accept when he says he loves you, he really means it. He may not be able to express this emotion in a NT way, but his feelings are genuine.
 
Could you try sending her a text or email? I have taken to doing this with my husband and it works fairly well. I actually get into a panic when I need to address an issue and so, when I blurt it out, I am blunt and rigid, which causes a heck of a lot of trouble. But I am tons better online and so, I explain how I feel and I feel better and he does not get so wound up!

That works really well for me too. It gives me a way to collect my thoughts and get them out like I wanted to. When we get into a conversation there will be a question about something that I said and then I forget where I was going and what I was trying to say. Oh wow I really struggle at talking in person. My brain just doesn't want to work.
 
Or we could... you know, date other aspies.

I kid of course, since it's not that simple.

I'm glad to hear you're kidding, at least perhaps a little bit! Of course, I can COMPLETELY understand that reaction, especially if an Aspie is feeling pressure to conform to a particular dating or communication pattern that feels unnatural or forced. That is a horrible situation to be in! Genuine affection is the only kind of affection with any real value.

Still, I hope that isn't a common default reaction. I think if both Aspies and NTs are open to discussing the various ways in which they show affection and interest, there's the very real possibility for both to find common ground. Personally, I know I show affection via physical touch, but not everyone else does--some people express affection verbally, by spending quality time together, by offering advice or physical help with certain tasks, or even giving gifts. If two people are able to identify the primary ways in which they naturally show affection, they can honestly decide if each other's affection behaviors are going to be "enough" for them.

This, of course, requires BOTH parties to be willing to accept the other's expressions of affection/interest, even if they differ from one another. I'm learning to express myself verbally because my Aspie friend does so, and reminding myself that I can't just assume that little physical touches are going to be interpreted in the ways that I intend for them to be. While it is not completely natural for me, I'm not forcing it either. I'm just learning :)

EDIT: I should also add that the reason I had such a reaction to this is because one of my biggest fears, in my current attempts to date an Aspie, is that he will be so turned off by the mere potential/likelihood of NT/Aspie communication barriers that he won't even give me a chance :oops:
 
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Furthermore; You say that it leaves the NT sad and depressed. How about the aspie that's being left sad and depressed because he feels he's being put into a certain pattern of expectation. Suppose it comes down what's more important, the NT or the aspie in the relationship, especially when showing affection isn't always as reciprocal and on an equal level. Either the NT has to accept the aspie won't, or the aspie has to force to show affection and interest.

King Oni, you just don't get it. A relationship is not all about you. Do you not get what an NT has to do in a relationship with an Aspie? What we are giving up and having to change about ourselves? Eye contact, closeness, connection, small talk, time that the Aspie needs to be alone, being more direct without any sarcasm and other things that I can't think of right now depending on the Aspie. I don't think it's too much for the Aspie to say "I love you" and mention how much the NT means to them. If I was with an Aspie and that is too much for them to do for me, then they are not meant for me. It gets exhausting trying to explain NT feelings and emotions all the time.

Yes, I agree with you. Date an Aspie.
 
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. I finally understood her needs and i tried to spend more time with her,

Most of the time, you just have to accept when he says he loves you, he really means it. He may not be able to express this emotion in a NT way, but his feelings are genuine.

THIS. Bingo! Asman, you get it! I hope your wife appreciates you and knows that you are trying and not just thinking about yourself. You are a keeper. :)
 
That works really well for me too. It gives me a way to collect my thoughts and get them out like I wanted to. When we get into a conversation there will be a question about something that I said and then I forget where I was going and what I was trying to say. Oh wow I really struggle at talking in person. My brain just doesn't want to work.

But you are trying and that is what counts. You are a keeper too! :)
 
King Oni, you just don't get it. A relationship is not all about you. Do you not get what an NT has to do in a relationship with an Aspie? What we are giving up and having to change about ourselves?

I could be very wrong, but that is not how I interpreted King Oni's words at all. To me, I read King Oni's post as trying to recognize that Aspies, too, make very serious sacrifices and compromises in relationships. And, there is the very real chance that an Aspie's sacrifices/compromises are sadly overlooked, because there is such a prevalent expectation that NT behavior is "normal" and Aspie behavior is "abnormal," and so the burden always falls on Aspies to "fix" theirs. And, that's not cool.

Sure, I'm over here making some adjustments to my behavior (like getting used to long breaks in between visits, less physical touch, etc.), but I can only IMAGINE the stress that my Aspie is under sometimes. For him, hanging out and watching Netflix with me for a couple hours might be ridiculously uncomfortable, for a whole host of reasons, and I need to be aware of and sensitive to that. I think my NT brain might be quick to assume that it's not "too much" for him to spend time with me or tell me that he likes me, but for him, that might be a MAJOR compromise that he's trying to make for me.

If, as an NT, I'm claiming to be under some measure of stress in my attempts to connect with him, I better be willing to recognize the stress he undergoes in his attempts to connect with me.
 
Through my years I've discovered this to work for me.

WYSIWYG - what you see is what you get. I don't think you can really change people or expect them to change. Best way is to change the way you act - as in the examples of texting or writing rather than speaking if that is easier. Or say "you need a shower, hon," rather than hint and be upset the hint doesn't work.

The other thing I do is when I feel hurt I look at why. I try to find what it is in me that feels hurt and heal it so I don't feel hurt the next time.
 
That works really well for me too. It gives me a way to collect my thoughts and get them out like I wanted to. When we get into a conversation there will be a question about something that I said and then I forget where I was going and what I was trying to say. Oh wow I really struggle at talking in person. My brain just doesn't want to work.

Ditto Greg. I shocked myself sunday actually, because I received a: real pleasure talking with you Suzanne lol That NEVER happens to me, so obviously I was feeling less aspie then! Just wish it would happen more often. I end up stuttering and losing my words and spitting and talking too fast etc etc.
 
Furthermore; You say that it leaves the NT sad and depressed. How about the aspie that's being left sad and depressed because he feels he's being put into a certain pattern of expectation.

I could be very wrong, but that is not how I interpreted King Oni's words at all. To me, I read King Oni's post as trying to recognize that Aspies, too, make very serious sacrifices and compromises in relationships. And, there is the very real chance that an Aspie's sacrifices/compromises are sadly overlooked, because there is such a prevalent expectation that NT behavior is "normal" and Aspie behavior is "abnormal," and so the burden always falls on Aspies to "fix" theirs. And, that's not cool.

Sure, I'm over here making some adjustments to my behavior (like getting used to long breaks in between visits, less physical touch, etc.), but I can only IMAGINE the stress that my Aspie is under sometimes. For him, hanging out and watching Netflix with me for a couple hours might be ridiculously uncomfortable, for a whole host of reasons, and I need to be aware of and sensitive to that. I think my NT brain might be quick to assume that it's not "too much" for him to spend time with me or tell me that he likes me, but for him, that might be a MAJOR compromise that he's trying to make for me.

If, as an NT, I'm claiming to be under some measure of stress in my attempts to connect with him, I better be willing to recognize the stress he undergoes in his attempts to connect with me.

It's about both trying to understand each other. If I didn't think about Aspies and what they put into a relationship, I wouldn't be here all this time trying to understand them.

I outlined exactly what King Oni said that actually upset me. The thread is about an NT who is feeling sad in her Aspie/NT relationship and is looking for help and he turns it back to what Aspies are giving up. That's why I said it is not all about the Aspie in a relationship - it's about both.
 

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