Does anyone else find it frustrating when you’re told you’re choosing to be uncomfortable and unable to cope with the public?

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Maybe I can help clarify and add to what @Rodafina said here.

Yes, when we initially react to a situation it is done so from our emotions. However, there's this thing we can do in retrospect after our initial impulsive reaction...call it a sort of post-processing the reaction.
Identifying what exactly triggered you, how it made you feel (and yes it's valid to have those emotions, we've all been there) and decide maybe if your emotions are making the situation bigger or worse than it really is.

What helps me is knowing that everyone frequently encounters situations that are out of their control, not just me. I cannot control my initial reaction and don't need to apologize for it BUT I can do better for myself and my own mental state by thinking what did I learn from the situation, was there a pattern in my reactions, and maybe the next time I don't have to let the emotions cloud my judgment and I can move on from situations without stewing in them. And that's not a matter of opinion, people do it everyday and most of the time not by choice.

With that said, I feel like many of us have been there where you are. And I think it's wrong to say someone "chose" to feel embarrassed etc. No one chooses their emotions when things happen but we can definitely learn from them over time and experience and like @Neonatal RRT said, give ourselves a little grace. It isn't easy navigating what life throws at you..

“I cannot control my initial reaction and don't need to apologize for it BUT I can do better for myself and my own mental state by thinking what did I learn from the situation, was there a pattern in my reactions, and maybe the next time I don't have to let the emotions cloud my judgment and I can move on from situations without stewing in them.”

That statement in itself insists to me that emotions are not supposed to be trustworthy. That’s not a clarification. And it shouldn’t be. That’s just more of a belief that their emotions are the problem and are making them biased. Processing isn’t the right term for that anyway. Self respect is the more accurate term. When one says that emotions are clouding their judgement and are somehow making things sound worse than they actually are, this is a harmful strategy to sugarcoat one’s experiences.

This is how toxic positivity works. If one acknowledges that they might be overreacting, they overwhelm themselves to be grateful for the bad things that happen to them. You might think that exaggerating your emotions is bad, but sugarcoating them is much MUCH worse. The belief that emotions are exaggerating and biased and therefore should not be trusted does us a terrible favor by dismissing our instincts and behaving in a way that’s not true to ourselves.

It’s one thing if a person IS overreacting, but it’s another if they have a perfectly good reason to feel a certain way. And that should be deeply acknowledged.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Nothing wrong with being weird or different. Embrace it. Being different led me to a loving relationship.

 

[Misty Avich]

So then you would agree that if faced with an attractive woman and you were overtaken by lustful emotions you would have no choice but to rape her by refusing to exert control over your reactions. That is the type of argument that you are making.

Raping is a crime and it only takes a bad and dangerous person to do such things. I find it hard controlling my emotions and can react when I reach my limit, but no matter how angry I get I'll never go as far as commit a crime, because naturally it isn't in me to hurt others. Most humans do have a bit of self-control and aren't dangerous.

 

[Rodafina]

So then you would agree that if faced with an attractive woman and you were overtaken by lustful emotions you would have no choice but to rape her by refusing to exert control over your reactions. That is the type of argument that you are making.

I don’t think this is a logical demonstration of the point you seem to be trying to make. Anyone who walks around actively suppressing the urge to force someone else into sex has much bigger problems than simple impulse control and controlled reaction to emotions. I think this example is too extreme and pathological for me.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don’t think this is a logical demonstration of the point you seem to be trying to make. Anyone who walks around actively suppressing the urge to force someone else into sex has much bigger problems than simple impulse control and controlled reaction to emotions. I think this example is too extreme and pathological for me.

This. I'm glad you explained it better than me lol.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

This. I'm glad you explained it better than me lol.

I don’t think controlling your impulses and reactions are helpful either, in fact, doing such may cause harm in one’s mental health. Likewise, the belief that you can control the impulses and reactions regarding your emotions is like saying you can control yourself from vomiting even though your body is desperate to get a specific foreign contaminant out that may causing you to feel physically ill.

If you try to hold your vomit and maintain the contaminant that’s making you sick, you will eventually die. This is the same as trying to control your impulses and reactions. Because your emotions are the origin of such, by controlling your thoughts and feelings, you are bottling your emotions. And with that in mind, doing so excessively may kill you. There’s a good reason why telling someone to control themselves may lead to physical health problems.

By labeling impulses and reactions as irrational and placing them in a negative light, we tend to forget that our emotions make up the entirety of such, and expressing them is essential to our health, regardless of whether we like it or not. By saying it’s ok to express your emotions, we place ourselves in a much better healthier position instead of falling under the trap of being told how we should live our lives. Makes sense, right?

 

[tree]

I don’t think this is a logical demonstration of the point you seem to be trying to make. Anyone who walks around actively suppressing the urge to force someone else into sex has much bigger problems than simple impulse control and controlled reaction to emotions. I think this example is too extreme and pathological for me.

Seemed logical to me.
Hyperbole, but logical.

 

[Rodafina]

Seemed logical to me.
Hyperbole, but logical.

I’m having trouble equating a response to one’s emotions with the urge to force sex on somebody. It feels like a different mechanism at work, but I’m willing to think about what I’m saying here and see if I can make sense of it as a logical but hyperbolic demonstration.

 

[LadyS]

So are you saying the millions of people who have to control their emotions for their occupation ...such as healthcare workers, first responders and civil workers, teachers, retail, public service, even parents who have to stay calm and level-headed for their own kids' mental health etc all suffer from mental health issues because they've learned to compartmentalize their emotions and impulses in order to do their jobs?

 

[tree]

Reviewing what story goes through one's mind
that prompts the emotional reaction can be
very useful.

This is not suppressing emotion.
This is being rational in regard to one's behavior.

 

[Rodafina]

I also see in this thread that no one is really supporting the suppression of emotions, but rather discussing how we respond to and make sense of emotions.

Awareness of emotions and not suppressing them is certainly important. But I have yet to see anyone say that suppressing emotions is an important skill to learn.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I don’t think this is a logical demonstration of the point you seem to be trying to make. Anyone who walks around actively suppressing the urge to force someone else into sex has much bigger problems than simple impulse control and controlled reaction to emotions. I think this example is too extreme and pathological for me.

It was an example of reductio ad absurdum. It is a form of refutation showing contradictory or absurd consequences following upon premises as a matter of logical necessity. The Op's premise is that all emotions are actionable and is definately absurd prima facie. It is a ridiculous premise in the face of our laws and teachings in ethics, religion and psychology.

 

[Rodafina]

It was an example of reductio ad absurdum. It is a form of refutation showing contradictory or absurd consequences following upon premises as a matter of logical necessity. The Op's premise is that all emotions are actionable and is definately absurd prima facie. It is a ridiculous premise in the face of our laws and teachings in ethics, religion and psychology.

Okay, I understand better now.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I also see in this thread that no one is really supporting the suppression of emotions, but rather discussing how we respond to and make sense of emotions.

Awareness of emotions and not suppressing them is certainly important. But I have yet to see anyone say that suppressing emotions is an important skill to learn.

Learning to handle one's response to strong negative emotions was a years's work for me undergoing Cognitive Processing therapy where I needed to go through:
- What are the emotional triggers?
- What are the feelings/emotions that those triggers create?
- What do I tell myself when those feelings are triggered?
- What can I tell myself instead?
- What are the stuck points that prevent me from moving on from those feelings?

For me it was a brutal year's of work facing some uncomfortable truths about myself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Also, our emotions ARE our responses.

Nope. That contradicts neurophysiology and psychology, you are saying that your neocortex (the mammalian brain) exerts no control control over the limbic, reptilian, midbrain. To allow that is living in the most animalistic way. For Buddhists, that is the lowest plane of existence possible and Stoic ethics would call that irrational.

 

[The Pandector]

I remember being told by my neurotypical peers that I am making the choice to be uncomfortable and unable to cope with people in real life, and every time I hear it, I cringe.

Right now, I am suffering with a bad grade from a college assignment which I was told that I must pick a job that must involve working with people. I hated that idea because I go berserk having to work with the public and I fear often that I will be embarrassed by a group of people. And believe me, this has happened before, and it sucked. I was also judged for having terrible sentence structure, and that to a lot of people, I didn’t make any sense. The truth is I find it very difficult for me to explain things and my body goes completely out of whack when I try to force my brain into deep thinking. I’m an easily distracted person btw.

My mom recently told me “you made yourself embarrassed, you made the decision to feel uncomfortable and unable to cope with people”. I was infuriated, because feeling embarrassment and discomfort is not a choice. When I responded rightfully frustrated, I was told to calm down and quit acting like a baby. I’m told it’s not a big deal when they don’t understand my fear of failure and public humiliation. It’s as if every time I fail at something or someone points I fail at it, I completely shut down.

These failures give me a trigger that traces to a pastime and has deeply traumatized me while I’m unable to be thorough on it. The idea of working with people scares me and fills me with utter dreadfulness. It also doesn’t help that my interests are narrowly limited to the point where the environment I live in is a huge disadvantage for me.

I’ve got nothing else to say, so I’ll just leave it here. So does anyone else feel anything similar regarding the situation?

Reading through your posts is like reading my diary. I’ve found no escape from it, including in the autism community. Reading through the other posts, I’m all the more confirmed in my own theory: I believe we’re all on a spectrum.

That said, an observation about animal behavior. A deer decides to run across the road to stay with the protection of the herd, despite awareness of an oncoming vehicle. In fact, the danger of the oncoming vehicle strengthens its resolve to rejoin the herd, because to be cut from the herd is certain death. This is a typical deer decision, and no self-respecting deer would make any other. We humans would choose geometry over comradery; we’re in a different place on that spectrum, but their survival strategy works well for them, while forest animals find human survival strategies hilarious.

Put a rat in a maze and let it smell the cheese. It will learn the maze to find the cheese, making countless decisions along the way. Repeat, and the rat learns to race through the maze, straight to the cheese. Then, put the rat in, but hide the cheese elsewhere in the maze. It will run straight to the place the cheese had been, then quickly undertake a fresh search. Difference between a rat and a human? The rat will quickly learn not to keep going back to the original location; they are beyond us on that spectrum.

But an interesting question about decision making is whether the rat decided to look for the cheese. The rat thinks it did. Humans, on the other hand, have more decision making control over the hunger imperative. We’re way past rats on that spectrum, but not really shining examples of consumption control.

Okay, Animal Farm aside… I’m convinced people are the same way. I have an innate understanding of certain types of systems that simply surpasses most, yet hardly have the patience to cook a meal. My NT wife was a great cook but left systems to system people.

NOW my thesis. The less we are inclined to consciously approach something, the more inclined we are to revert to instinctual responses in that arena. Often, like the deer or rat, we think we’re deciding to do something that in reality we’d be hard pressed to keep ourselves from doing.

IOW… What is a conscious and willful decision for one person, might be hardwired in another, and vice versa. I might envy an autistic person with innate control over things that make my knee jerk, but I don’t admire them for it because, as the Lord said, ‘what do you have that was not given to you?’ Not every ability given to one or most is given to all.

 

[The Pandector]

Nope. That contradicts neurophysiology and psychology, you are saying that your neocortex (the mammalian brain) exerts no control control over the limbic, reptilian, midbrain. To allow that is living in the most animalistic way. For Buddhists, that is the lowest plane of existence possible and Stoic ethics would call that irrational.

You make the salient point. But it would be wrong to say that the neocortex exerts total control over the lower systems. I’d suggest that the exact amounts and areas of control are as individual as fingerprints. Some guys can’t keep their mouths shut, others can’t keep their pants on, others can’t do either.

 

[Misty Avich]

Some people tell me to just not worry about what people think of me. But the trouble is, I do. I'm self-conscious around strangers. I don't want to known as a "village idiot" type ot have people staring, laughing and judging. I don't want to be shown up in public, I don't want to be in the spotlight. So when I'm in public I feel I have to mask so much that my body ends up aching. I become conscious of my posture, my appearance, my actions, everything. Not that my posture, appearance or actions are weird anyway, but as an ADHD person I can be impulsive and restless, and I have to avoid being impulsive or restless when I'm in public. When I'm around people I know, or even at social gatherings, I can be myself more, as I feel I get less stares if I'm fidgety or impulsive. But in public it seems that people are more likely to judge and you have to be a precise way and I just suddenly go all conscious of what I'm doing, how I'm walking, etc.

 

[Southern_Gentleman]

Not anymore. Since becoming a senior citizen, people just think I'm a curmudgeon. Before that, though, it drove me nuts when people didn't understand that social activities were a challenge and calling me up at the last minute asking me to do something was always going to be met with a "Thank you, but no."

I like to get my head in that place, rehearse social scenarios in my mind, etc. Those who don't understand what it's like should be given the blessing of spending a day operating with our minds.

 

[The Pandector]

Not anymore. Since becoming a senior citizen, people just think I'm a curmudgeon. Before that, though, it drove me nuts when people didn't understand that social activities were a challenge and calling me up at the last minute asking me to do something was always going to be met with a "Thank you, but no."

I like to get my head in that place, rehearse social scenarios in my mind, etc. Those who don't understand what it's like should be given the blessing of spending a day operating with our minds.

While I’ve always been that way, it’s getting to be more of an issue with me. I lived life by my watch. Be at work, break for lunch, meet the colleagues; all synchronized to our watches. Nowadays, people seem proud of a liberated attitude, getting to work when they please and dropping in on colleagues. I can rationalize that things work more efficiently when time-synchronized, but fact is I need time to adjust and prepare before a social event.