Does anyone else find it frustrating when you’re told you’re choosing to be uncomfortable and unable to cope with the public?

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I remember being told by my neurotypical peers that I am making the choice to be uncomfortable and unable to cope with people in real life, and every time I hear it, I cringe.

Right now, I am suffering with a bad grade from a college assignment which I was told that I must pick a job that must involve working with people. I hated that idea because I go berserk having to work with the public and I fear often that I will be embarrassed by a group of people. And believe me, this has happened before, and it sucked. I was also judged for having terrible sentence structure, and that to a lot of people, I didn’t make any sense. The truth is I find it very difficult for me to explain things and my body goes completely out of whack when I try to force my brain into deep thinking. I’m an easily distracted person btw.

My mom recently told me “you made yourself embarrassed, you made the decision to feel uncomfortable and unable to cope with people”. I was infuriated, because feeling embarrassment and discomfort is not a choice. When I responded rightfully frustrated, I was told to calm down and quit acting like a baby. I’m told it’s not a big deal when they don’t understand my fear of failure and public humiliation. It’s as if every time I fail at something or someone points I fail at it, I completely shut down.

These failures give me a trigger that traces to a pastime and has deeply traumatized me while I’m unable to be thorough on it. The idea of working with people scares me and fills me with utter dreadfulness. It also doesn’t help that my interests are narrowly limited to the point where the environment I live in is a huge disadvantage for me.

I’ve got nothing else to say, so I’ll just leave it here. So does anyone else feel anything similar regarding the situation?

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes, I've been told this ON AN AUTISM FORUM!! They said they were only trying to help but I didn't think it was very helpful, considering I was in distress at the time. I have agoraphobia and social anxiety and I don't choose to be this way, but they made it sound like I was! They were like "it's your choice". What?? And then the rest of my thread turned into a bad-mouthing thread against me. That was the worst thing I had ever encountered online and I still can't get over it. I'll never forgive them for that. Never.

It ain't our fault how we are. I understand how you feel. I sometimes feel that forcing us into a very stressful environment can be more damaging, even though the narrative is normally "the more you're exposed to something you don't like the less you become anxious". No, this isn't always true, particularly for those on the spectrum or have mental health issues.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am seeing two things going on here:

1. A lack of understanding and empathy on their part.
2. On your end, I think what they may be referring to is your "attitude". I wholeheartedly agree that we all encounter uncomfortable situations, some more often than others. I am of the mind that uncomfortable social and communication situations are best dealt with head on, but also with a bit of humility and humor about yourself. Give yourself some "grace". On the other hand, if it is a sensory issue, noise, light, etc. then that can get more challenging.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well I have a low self-image because of the way I've been treated by people. It can hurt. I hate being treated differently. If there was someone on the corner of the street shouting at everyone going past then I wouldn't take it personally and would probably just laugh. But if they ignored everyone else and only targeted me, that's when I feel angry, seeing myself as a stupid weak and pathetic idiot for them to target easily. Then it leads on to other anxieties such as worrying that if I'm a target for bullies then I could also be a target for murderers and rapists. That's the scary part.

Oh, and it can swing the opposite for me too, like if someone was shouting on the corner of the street at everyone BUT me, I'd start thinking "why aren't they shouting at me but are at everyone else? What makes me so special?"
I think I just desire to be like everyone else and have the same experiences. I don't like people being jealous of me or thinking I'm lucky.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Yes, I've been told this ON AN AUTISM FORUM!! They said they were only trying to help but I didn't think it was very helpful, considering I was in distress at the time. I have agoraphobia and social anxiety and I don't choose to be this way, but they made it sound like I was! They were like "it's your choice". What?? And then the rest of my thread turned into a bad-mouthing thread against me. That was the worst thing I had ever encountered online and I still can't get over it. I'll never forgive them for that. Never.

It ain't our fault how we are. I understand how you feel. I sometimes feel that forcing us into a very stressful environment can be more damaging, even though the narrative is normally "the more you're exposed to something you don't like the less you become anxious". No, this isn't always true, particularly for those on the spectrum or have mental health issues.

That’s awful. I’m really sorry to hear that. I have experienced similar to that as well. You’re not alone.

 

[Misty Avich]

That’s awful. I’m really sorry to hear that. I have experienced similar to that as well. You’re not alone.

Aw thanks. It really sucks. I've been conditioned to think bad about myself. I've always been unpopular, and was lonely at high school, and it can have an effect on how you turn out as an adult, the trauma can stick with you for the rest of your life, or at least when you're reminded of it. Some people commit suicide, although luckily I haven't got to that stage. Venting about it on forums often helps, except when others decide to criticise.
I've often felt inferior to everyone else, maybe due to the social isolation and having people criticise me like I'm wrong and broken.
Also it's the way I'm wired. I have an anxiety disorder, which gives me the tendency to overthink, and I am sensitive to what people think of me. And I do try and make the effort for social approval, such as being friendly and looking presentable. But when even that fails then I don't know what else to do and I get frustrated and angry and feel that staying indoors will solve the issue...which it does. When you're not exposed in public the bullies can't pick on you, can they? Lol

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

Aw thanks. It really sucks. I've been conditioned to think bad about myself. I've always been unpopular, and was lonely at high school, and it can have an effect on how you turn out as an adult, the trauma can stick with you for the rest of your life, or at least when you're reminded of it. Some people commit suicide, although luckily I haven't got to that stage. Venting about it on forums often helps, except when others decide to criticise.
I've often felt inferior to everyone else, maybe due to the social isolation and having people criticise me like I'm wrong and broken.
Also it's the way I'm wired. I have an anxiety disorder, which gives me the tendency to overthink, and I am sensitive to what people think of me. And I do try and make the effort for social approval, such as being friendly and looking presentable. But when even that fails then I don't know what else to do and I get frustrated and angry and feel that staying indoors will solve the issue...which it does. When you're not exposed in public the bullies can't pick on you, can they? Lol

I know what you mean. People tend to discredit the idea of trusting your intuition by claiming that research is usually superior compared to our feelings claiming that our instincts are biased and inaccurate. With many cases, a lot of so-called rationalists tend to those against human emotions and why they’re unnecessary.

Author Talks: Can you trust your gut?

Don’t wing it; Google it. With unlimited information at our fingertips, one data scientist says people can boost happiness and success by relying more on research than gut feeling.

www.mckinsey.com

When to Trust Your Gut

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hbr.org

Honestly I beg to differ. Our intuition is very essential to our health and understanding. It makes us aware of our surroundings and more conscious about our experiences. Unfortunately many people fail to realize this and attempt to revert the case by creating “rational” elements on specific situations without acknowledging what the emotional part of the brain suggests.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Neonatal RRT alludes to a very important point. Your feelings are real yet in our lives what we have control over are our responses to events. There is much in our lives that we do not control and this goes for NTs also, but our responses define us. That is our choice and that is what people respond to because they are not mind readers. When dealing with people I pay far more attention to how they act, not what they say.

 

[Misty Avich]

I see life through an emotional point of view. I don't see logic much. I'm often irrational, which is supposed to be contrary to how people on the spectrum are supposed to think.

Also for me crying is like vomiting. It's impossible to physically stop yourself from vomiting once you know you're about to, so nobody expects you to just control it (although we all wish we could).
For me, crying is exactly the same. Once the tears start coming I can't stop them, even if I smile or tell myself that I'm OK. My jaw starts trembling and tears start leaking from my eyes and I have to rush to a bathroom or somewhere else where people can't see me and let it out by crying and feeling sorry for myself. It's not a choice. I don't just "turn on the waterworks" to get attention or to get what I want. I don't want to cry. But, like when you vomit, what I want my body to do versus what it actually does are sometimes two different things.

Many people seem to think that just because it's your mind and not a physical problem you can and should control it. Anxiety makes up a lot of who I am so really I wouldn't be me without anxiety, as much as it can be a pain. But the good side to anxiety is that I can spot danger a mile off and be able to problem solve. I've never broken a bone or been abused or abducted, even though I'm always worrying in case it happens.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

@Neonatal RRT alludes to a very important point. Your feelings are real yet in our lives what we have control over are our responses to events. There is much in our lives that we do not control and this goes for NTs also, but our responses define us. That is our choice and that is what people respond to because they are not mind readers. When dealing with people I pay far more attention to how they act, not what they say.

I disagree because I am hypersensitive and words matter. A response is deeply affected when one’s emotions are taking place. So in general, insisting we cannot control our emotions but we somehow can control our response, that honestly does not make any sense.

Also, our emotions ARE our responses. It sounds very contrary when you think about it. No thanks. My emotions are my response and they are valid regardless of what they may think. I’m not suppressing them to please others.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I see life through an emotional point of view. I don't see logic much. I'm often irrational, which is supposed to be contrary to how people on the spectrum are supposed to think.

Also for me crying is like vomiting. It's impossible to physically stop yourself from vomiting once you know you're about to, so nobody expects you to just control it (although we all wish we could).
For me, crying is exactly the same. Once the tears start coming I can't stop them, even if I smile or tell myself that I'm OK. My jaw starts trembling and tears start leaking from my eyes and I have to rush to a bathroom or somewhere else where people can't see me and let it out by crying and feeling sorry for myself. It's not a choice. I don't just "turn on the waterworks" to get attention or to get what I want. I don't want to cry. But, like when you vomit, what I want my body to do versus what it actually does are sometimes two different things.

Many people seem to think that just because it's your mind and not a physical problem you can and should control it. Anxiety makes up a lot of who I am so really I wouldn't be me without anxiety, as much as it can be a pain. But the good side to anxiety is that I can spot danger a mile off and be able to problem solve. I've never broken a bone or been abused or abducted, even though I'm always worrying in case it happens.

I 100% agree. People here are seriously missing the point. They claim to say that emotions are real yet we somehow can control our reactions. Sorry that doesn’t make any sense, does it? Because one’s response simply comes from their current emotion, it’s like a fight or flight response.

I find it hard to understand why someone would want to focus far more on how one acts instead of the words that scar the soul. Remember the myth “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cannot hurt me”? Saying you can’t control your emotions but you can control your reaction does not add up. Insisting it is a choice to give out a reaction adds to the stigma of denigrating emotion and intuition.

Seriously, one simply cannot just choose not to react while they’re in an emotional breakdown. That’s impossible without the need to harm yourself in any way. I believe many forums tend to focus WAY too much on the male side of the spectrum and tend to discredit women’s opinions and experiences in the community. There’s nothing wrong with being irrational. I honestly wish it would never have to be put in an inferior position the way it is now.

 

[Dagan]

I honestly don't like ever being told how to feel, especially when I am in a moment of processing everything myself, still. You may as well be trying to tell me what some food has to taste like or that I have to love and crave it as much as you do. It's not going to work. Just back off, check yourself and your control issues and let me handle it like I need to. If I was doing some violent tantrum and being a threat to myself or others, I would understand otherwise.

 

[Rodafina]

I think the idea behind being able to control your response to things comes in the processing of emotions.

Emotions are like reactions that are typically out of our control. After processing them with time and rational thought, we can make different choices than we may under emotional distress.

For those who choose to buy in to the idea that we can control our reactions to things, that control comes in processing the emotion, understanding it better, deciding whether or not we want to give it power, and adjusting our behavior accordingly.

If one prefers to embrace irrationality, then so be it. Autonomous choice. We can each interpret the world around us however we wish.

 

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

I think the idea behind being able to control your response to things comes in the processing of emotions.

Emotions are like reactions that are typically out of our control. After processing them with time and rational thought, we can make different choices than we may under emotional distress.

For those who choose to buy in to the idea that we can control our reactions to things, that control comes in processing the emotion, understanding it better, deciding whether or not we want to give it power, and adjusting our behavior accordingly.

If one prefers to embrace irrationality, then so be it. Autonomous choice. We can each interpret the world around us however we wish.

i do not agree with your point because reactions are not a choice and they strongly align with the person’s emotions. The belief that irrationality is by choice is absurd. Processing emotions is still once again controlling behavior whether you like it or not. It pulls up the idea that your emotions are wrong and irrational thoughts are bad.

One simply cannot CHOOSE to react a certain way because reactions and thoughts are strongly linked to their emotions. Happiness is not a choice. Depression is not a choice. Anxiety is not a choice. No emotion is a choice. That is the facts.

You can believe whatever you like. But I stick to my guns. You’ve had your say. I have mine. No arguments. No constant battling over whose opinion is right. I don’t want any of that. We’re going to end this part of the discussion here, because it is driving off the main topic. No more of that.

 

[Midnights11]

This is the worst. I’ve also been told by neurotypicals that I should be grateful I’m not in a wheelchair or have any kind of physical disability. I’m like bruh that doesn’t mean my autism is easy. I’m not saying all neurotypicals are selfish, but the irony of them wanting us to understand them when they look down on us. It’s just frustrating

 

[Ken]

I remember being told by my neurotypical peers that I am making the choice to be uncomfortable and unable to cope with people in real life, and every time I hear it, I cringe.

Right now, I am suffering with a bad grade from a college assignment which I was told that I must pick a job that must involve working with people. I hated that idea because I go berserk having to work with the public and I fear often that I will be embarrassed by a group of people. And believe me, this has happened before, and it sucked. I was also judged for having terrible sentence structure, and that to a lot of people, I didn’t make any sense. The truth is I find it very difficult for me to explain things and my body goes completely out of whack when I try to force my brain into deep thinking. I’m an easily distracted person btw.

My mom recently told me “you made yourself embarrassed, you made the decision to feel uncomfortable and unable to cope with people”. I was infuriated, because feeling embarrassment and discomfort is not a choice. When I responded rightfully frustrated, I was told to calm down and quit acting like a baby. I’m told it’s not a big deal when they don’t understand my fear of failure and public humiliation. It’s as if every time I fail at something or someone points I fail at it, I completely shut down.

These failures give me a trigger that traces to a pastime and has deeply traumatized me while I’m unable to be thorough on it. The idea of working with people scares me and fills me with utter dreadfulness. It also doesn’t help that my interests are narrowly limited to the point where the environment I live in is a huge disadvantage for me.

I’ve got nothing else to say, so I’ll just leave it here. So does anyone else feel anything similar regarding the situation?

Yep, that's the story of my life. You are not alone. I have had countless infuriating meltdowns with people like that throughout my life. I was not even able to do college at all due to crippling social anxiety. I also have lots of PTSD's from my childhood that I am certain is beyond curable. I just put a lot of effort in avoiding the triggers.

Withing the last year, I have learned that those who put you down, and believe you are the way you are on purpose literally does not understand. And, unfortunately, they are actually unable to understand. They do not have the umwelt to understand. Their neural wiring is not compatible, so they have never experienced what you have and can't even imagine it. That is why it so difficult (actually impossible) to explain it. There is really no language to fit these experiences and feelings. It is an extreme exercise in frustration. Over the years I have leaned to ignore all of that, because I realize there is no use trying to defend myself. It is useless; they will never understand. The best they can do is to understand that they cannot understand.

May not be ideal, but I just try to limit social interactions and cherish my solitude. In fact, that is how I succeeded with my career without any college. I found a job were my environment was isolated in a separate office and lab. I don't know if my boss realized I was autistic (I did not know at that time) or if he just noticed that I couldn't tolerate social busy business. In any event, I ended up right where I wanted to in spite of no college. Yea, finding that job was by sheer chance, but at least that means such chances are possible if you are in the right place at the right time.

The World is immense and complicated, which is good, because that means there are many ways to solved a problem or achieve a goal. Even if (like me) you don't have a clue. Doesn't have to be "traditional".

 

[LadyS]

For those who choose to buy in to the idea that we can control our reactions to things, that control comes in processing the emotion, understanding it better, deciding whether or not we want to give it power, and adjusting our behavior accordingly

Maybe I can help clarify and add to what @Rodafina said here.

Yes, when we initially react to a situation it is done so from our emotions. However, there's this thing we can do in retrospect after our initial impulsive reaction...call it a sort of post-processing the reaction.
Identifying what exactly triggered you, how it made you feel (and yes it's valid to have those emotions, we've all been there) and decide maybe if your emotions are making the situation bigger or worse than it really is.

What helps me is knowing that everyone frequently encounters situations that are out of their control, not just me. I cannot control my initial reaction and don't need to apologize for it BUT I can do better for myself and my own mental state by thinking what did I learn from the situation, was there a pattern in my reactions, and maybe the next time I don't have to let the emotions cloud my judgment and I can move on from situations without stewing in them. And that's not a matter of opinion, people do it everyday and most of the time not by choice.

With that said, I feel like many of us have been there where you are. And I think it's wrong to say someone "chose" to feel embarrassed etc. No one chooses their emotions when things happen but we can definitely learn from them over time and experience and like @Neonatal RRT said, give ourselves a little grace. It isn't easy navigating what life throws at you..

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think the idea behind being able to control your response to things comes in the processing of emotions.

Emotions are like reactions that are typically out of our control. After processing them with time and rational thought, we can make different choices than we may under emotional distress.

For those who choose to buy in to the idea that we can control our reactions to things, that control comes in processing the emotion, understanding it better, deciding whether or not we want to give it power, and adjusting our behavior accordingly.

If one prefers to embrace irrationality, then so be it. Autonomous choice. We can each interpret the world around us however we wish.

I have been irrationally reactive when triggered into PTSD. Learning to process the emotions was hard work. What you sai is so very Stoic, or Buddhist. I won't get into Buddhist cosmology, but nothing good comes from merely being reactive to one's emotions as the monks lecturing me were clear that was the realm of the animalistic. And Stoicism is all about empowering ourselves through our choices.

There are those who feel that being irrationally reactive is being authentic. I do not buy that and find it as mere justification for immature reactivity - I know, as when triggered I would be my immature self. You and I have come a long way to regain our agency, and while I don't know about you, @Rodafina , I find it empowering. Then I look at some successes here, of people like Tony Ramirez who have changed their responses in pursuit of a relationship and I hope to see them ultimately successful.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

i do not agree with your point because reactions are not a choice and they strongly align with the person’s emotions. The belief that irrationality is by choice is absurd.

So then you would agree that if faced with an attractive woman and you were overtaken by lustful emotions you would have no choice but to rape her by refusing to exert control over your reactions. That is the type of argument that you are making.

 

[Fino]

Growing up, my family and others often told me that I was purposely being weird or different. Now that I'm 31 and have only gotten weirder, those comments have all stopped!