Does anyone else feel like they are constantly putting on an act?

[FreeDiver]

At lease, you guys had a chance to know of your AS at a young age. Imagine living half your life not knowing what's wrong and thinking that acting is just a normal part of life. You work your ass off at something that just ends up being all in vain.

 

[Judge]

At lease, you guys had a chance to know of your AS at a young age. Imagine living half your life not knowing what's wrong and thinking that acting is just a normal part of life. You work your ass off at something that just ends up being all in vain.

I didn't even begin to figure it out until I was 55.

 

[StephF]

Yep

 

[Reedstorm17]

Wow. I was diagnosed when I was 2, and my parents told me when I was 9.

 

[Liam Sifr]

At lease, you guys had a chance to know of your AS at a young age. Imagine living half your life not knowing what's wrong and thinking that acting is just a normal part of life. You work your ass off at something that just ends up being all in vain.

I'm 34 and I only came to realise after my divorce five years ago.

 

[jellyhead]

Yup , every single day !

 

[Moviefan2k4]

At lease, you guys had a chance to know of your AS at a young age. Imagine living half your life not knowing what's wrong and thinking that acting is just a normal part of life. You work your ass off at something that just ends up being all in vain.

I've had various degrees of mental and emotional chaos, for as long as I can remember. Its become worse when I lose someone very close to me, like my ex-girlfriend Michelle ten years ago, my Grandma in 2013, and my Mom last year. I become so angry, desperate, bitter, cold, and broken...I honestly wish sometimes God had taken me instead of them. The night before my Mom passed away, I offered myself in trade to God if He would save her. When she still died, I was beyond crushed; it felt like a huge betrayal. I know He never promised He'd keep her with me...but my Mom was my whole world. Its been almost two full years, and I still struggle with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. I still love God and Jesus, but it hurts so much to feel lost without any reliable direction or purpose.

 

[Adder1234]

I only put on an act when I'm working or at school, and that's only because I have to in order to do well. I mean, I wouldn't hold a job for very long if I ignored my co-workers all of the time. But other than that, I really don't care enough to act like a regular person.

 

[Chris Russell]

Some interesting replies here, and I am not surprised to see the overwhelmingly positive response. The feeling of being on an 'alien' planet, where the behaviour and language of the indigenous creatures is beyond one's capability to learn, is a well recognised characteristic of Asperger's. I realise that the counter argument 'that's just part of the human condition' is also represented here. As I am a very thorough researcher and a realist, this is one that has been difficult for me to reconcile... But the conclusion is inevitable when you have gathered enough information from Aspies and NTs. We do experience things differently from NTs. It is part of the human of the human condition to experience social difficulties, communication difficulties, misunderstandings etc. But is also part of the human condition to benefit by learning from them. We cannot, or at least have only the intellectual experience perspective. To learn the lessons that are learned intuitively by NTs, without the help of a lifetime of implicit memory, is exhausting. There is no helpful 'voice' of a remembered parent telling us 'they'll get over it' or 'don't mention how tight the dress is'. There is no instant connection to the memory that reminds us to ask about their sick mother. There is 'alternative' to logic, that warns us away from correcting grammar or pointing out the website errors during the interview...

If there is a 'deficit' to be discussed at all, where autists are concerned, it is merely that we do not possess the tools that are acquired by NTs during their development... But, because we are statistically in the minority, (and it is the majority which decides what we call 'normal') we cannot compete fairly in a world that assumes we have the same capabilities. And with only their capabilities and experience to draw on, why would they think any different? I for one, feel like a fraud in the face of this natural ability possessed by NTs - to socialise is a relaxed way. For me to be relaxed when I socialise is literally impossible. (I do relax when engaged in conversation with academics about complex scientific subjects, but for some reason, NTs do not characterise this type of conversation as 'socialising')

Yes, everyone experiences these types of social difficulties (NTs and Aspies alike), everyone experiences rejection, saying the wrong thing, missing the point, faux pas, over or under dressing, the list is endless... The difference is the way we learn from these. For the thousands of social interactions we go through every day, an NT will for the most part, give little thought, saving their energy for the ones they deem important. What an NT might find difficult to grasp is that, for a Aspie, each and every one of one of these interactions (we find it difficult to differentiate) may be approached with military-like strategy... Exhausting in itself, but when you consider that, whereas the NT might instantly put the exchange to the back of his mid or forget it entirely, in the mind of the Aspie, a crime scene is being meticulously marked out, to be pored over during endless evenings in the vain hope of understanding why that person reacted that way, and how it can possibly be avoided in the future.

I understand entirely why we find being around people so exhausting. What makes us extraordinary is that we want to keep trying.

 

[Chris Russell]

At lease, you guys had a chance to know of your AS at a young age. Imagine living half your life not knowing what's wrong and thinking that acting is just a normal part of life. You work your ass off at something that just ends up being all in vain.

I really do see your point, FreeDiver. I spent a miserable 40 years wondering what the hell was wrong with me? Why didn't I get on with anyone? Why was everything such bloody hard work? After all, it must be me, because everyone else seems to get on OK.... Yup. Years of frustration and failure leading to depression and poor self esteem, etc. etc. Many of us only found out when our children were diagnosed (in my case, when I was made redundant from yet another job and ended up taking a rubbish job in a school and doing a training workshop on Autism) or at least much later in life. And yes, what you're saying is very familiar...

None of this means that things cannot change and it certainly doesn't mean that it won't get better - in fact it almost certainly will. Surround yourself with kind people wherever possible. You deserve them.

 

[Nitro]

At lease, you guys had a chance to know of your AS at a young age. Imagine living half your life not knowing what's wrong and thinking that acting is just a normal part of life. You work your ass off at something that just ends up being all in vain.

I didn't know until way late in the game either. I see it as a part of life and not a lot more. Some of y'all take a stance that the auties are the only ones who have to fake it to make it,when in fact all humans have to accept that challenge or lose out on what their surroundings have to offer.

For the umpteenth time,I will post again that being autistic doesn't mean you have a lock on psych challenges.

My honest opinion of the autism spectrum is not so much the autistic parts that present the biggest challenges,but more in line with what is considered co-morbid to it

 

[Alcyon]

Yes, everyone experiences these types of social difficulties (NTs and Aspies alike), everyone experiences rejection, saying the wrong thing, missing the point, faux pas, over or under dressing, the list is endless... The difference is the way we learn from these. For the thousands of social interactions we go through every day, an NT will for the most part, give little thought, saving their energy for the ones they deem important. What an NT might find difficult to grasp is that, for a Aspie, each and every one of one of these interactions (we find it difficult to differentiate) may be approached with military-like strategy... Exhausting in itself, but when you consider that, whereas the NT might instantly put the exchange to the back of his mid or forget it entirely, in the mind of the Aspie, a crime scene is being meticulously marked out, to be pored over during endless evenings in the vain hope of understanding why that person reacted that way, and how it can possibly be avoided in the future.

CR, your whole post was so well written, I can't thank you enough for taking the time. But this paragraph in particular perfectly describes what's going on in my head every day; I'm going to try and save it somehow for those rare occasions when I am asked "what's it like?"

 

[Reedstorm17]

I've been diagnosed practically my entire life, so it's hard to imagine not knowing for 40 years or something.

 

[Irene Helrose]

Thanks, everyone. At least now I know I'm not the only one...

 

[OkRad]

Some interesting replies here, and I am not surprised to see the overwhelmingly positive response. The feeling of being on an 'alien' planet, where the behaviour and language of the indigenous creatures is beyond one's capability to learn, is a well recognised characteristic of Asperger's. I realise that the counter argument 'that's just part of the human condition' is also represented here. As I am a very thorough researcher and a realist, this is one that has been difficult for me to reconcile... But the conclusion is inevitable when you have gathered enough information from Aspies and NTs. We do experience things differently from NTs. It is part of the human of the human condition to experience social difficulties, communication difficulties, misunderstandings etc. But is also part of the human condition to benefit by learning from them. We cannot, or at least have only the intellectual experience perspective. To learn the lessons that are learned intuitively by NTs, without the help of a lifetime of implicit memory, is exhausting. There is no helpful 'voice' of a remembered parent telling us 'they'll get over it' or 'don't mention how tight the dress is'. There is no instant connection to the memory that reminds us to ask about their sick mother. There is 'alternative' to logic, that warns us away from correcting grammar or pointing out the website errors during the interview...

If there is a 'deficit' to be discussed at all, where autists are concerned, it is merely that we do not possess the tools that are acquired by NTs during their development... But, because we are statistically in the minority, (and it is the majority which decides what we call 'normal') we cannot compete fairly in a world that assumes we have the same capabilities. And with only their capabilities and experience to draw on, why would they think any different? I for one, feel like a fraud in the face of this natural ability possessed by NTs - to socialise is a relaxed way. For me to be relaxed when I socialise is literally impossible. (I do relax when engaged in conversation with academics about complex scientific subjects, but for some reason, NTs do not characterise this type of conversation as 'socialising')

Yes, everyone experiences these types of social difficulties (NTs and Aspies alike), everyone experiences rejection, saying the wrong thing, missing the point, faux pas, over or under dressing, the list is endless... The difference is the way we learn from these. For the thousands of social interactions we go through every day, an NT will for the most part, give little thought, saving their energy for the ones they deem important. What an NT might find difficult to grasp is that, for a Aspie, each and every one of one of these interactions (we find it difficult to differentiate) may be approached with military-like strategy... Exhausting in itself, but when you consider that, whereas the NT might instantly put the exchange to the back of his mid or forget it entirely, in the mind of the Aspie, a crime scene is being meticulously marked out, to be pored over during endless evenings in the vain hope of understanding why that person reacted that way, and how it can possibly be avoided in the future.

I understand entirely why we find being around people so exhausting. What makes us extraordinary is that we want to keep trying.

I agree....this is an amazing post!! The only thing that I find I disagree with is that NTs do NOT put the interaction out of their minds. Oh, if only they did. It only takes one (even incomplete) interatcion for them to peg me as weird and game over.

Even the nice ones don't help because they confuse me all the more. I think I have a friend, but don't. They were just being nice. I cannot understand aquantiances at all.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Pretty much the only person I'm sure is actually my friend and not just being nice to me is also an aspie.

 

[Chris Russell]

CR, your whole post was so well written, I can't thank you enough for taking the time. But this paragraph in particular perfectly describes what's going on in my head every day; I'm going to try and save it somehow for those rare occasions when I am asked "what's it like?"

Thanks for your comment, Alcyon - I'm at once sorry that you experience this, and pleased that you find something helpful in my post.

The realisation of the difference which which I experience social interaction to 'the norm' was profound for me. This 'military strategy' is one that I have no choice in applying. I am as likely to do it for a job interview, as for a passing interaction with a stranger. On the upside, this also means that I do not differentiate in other ways (racism, sexism etc.) and I am no more nervous speaking to large groups or 'important/famous' person, than to a friend or a stranger. In fact, I'm usually much less anxious when speaking formally to large gatherings (such as conferences.) Often the more formal and technical the interaction is, the less anxious I am, the more informal (and, consequently, unpredictable) the interaction, the more anxious.

I wonder, is this lack of differentiation something you have noticed?

 

[Chris Russell]

I didn't know until way late in the game either. I see it as a part of life and not a lot more. Some of y'all take a stance that the auties are the only ones who have to fake it to make it,when in fact all humans have to accept that challenge or lose out on what their surroundings have to offer.

For the umpteenth time,I will post again that being autistic doesn't mean you have a lock on psych challenges.

My honest opinion of the autism spectrum is not so much the autistic parts that present the biggest challenges,but more in line with what is considered co-morbid to it

I hope I have understood your point about 'a lock on psych challenges' correctly, Nitro. I agree with what you say, and I merely wish to try to make sense of why these types of situations lead to these 'co-morbidities' for people with ASDs... There are proven neurological differences between NTs and those with ASDs, but these are just that: Differences. Differences in themselves should not cause any problems. However, when you are expected by the majority to behave in a way that is made extremely difficult by these differences, then problems will inevitably arise.

 

[Nitro]

I hope I have understood your point about 'a lock on psych challenges' correctly, Nitro. I agree with what you say, and I merely wish to try to make sense of why these types of situations lead to these 'co-morbidities' for people with ASDs... There are proven neurological differences between NTs and those with ASDs, but these are just that: Differences. Differences in themselves should not cause any problems. However, when you are expected by the majority to behave in a way that is made extremely difficult by these differences, then problems will inevitably arise.

I guess where I was going with that is individuals that are labeled as neurotypical can also have issues that are considered to be co-morbid to autism but would never get a psych eval that they are autistic if that makes any sense.

You have to consider that the psych world revolves around diagnostics based on theories that vary depending on what school of psychology the person or persons doing the assessment follows.

 

[Chris Russell]

I guess where I was going with that is individuals that are labeled as neurotypical can also have issues that are considered to be co-morbid to autism but would never get a psych eval that they are autistic if that makes any sense.

You have to consider that the psych world revolves around diagnostics based on theories that vary depending on what school of psychology the person or persons doing the assessment follows.

It's all very confusing, especially when you start throwing labels into the mix. I think what I would underline is that a diagnosis of an ASD is a neurological one - not a psychological one. It's also worth pointing out that people are rarely 'labelled' as NT, but people with an ASD are often diagnosed incorrectly with other co-morbidities while their ASD is missed. And now I have opened that can of worms, I shall retire...