He confuses me, because one moment, he seems so there, alongside me, in me being an aspie and then, at other times, totally different...(edit)
I'm sorry to hear your marriage has been such a struggle, Suzanne.
I expect that many NT partners have the same dilemma yours does, with regards to his position on your AS. When a person has made an investment but is getting more than they bargained for, it must surely be a source of conflict and, I daresay, a certain amount of guiltful resentment. It's a bit like "love the sinner, hate the sin," isn't it? A very hard line to walk. The same probably goes when a partner has a mental or [invisible] physical illness.
Another trouble is, had you known to tell him you were an Aspie from the start, would he have understood what that meant till he actually lived with it? I asked if we have an obligation to disclose our Asperger's, but it's true to say that in the glow of an early relationship, it likely doesn't sound like a potential problem unless the NT has previous experience of AS.
I'm suddenly wondering if we shouldn't go about with a stack of Tony Attwood's
Complete Guide, to hand out like copies of
Watchtower to every potential partner.
...(edit) Basically I'm leveling the playing field in my approach. I'm not pulling the aspie card but I also make sure you can't pull your NT card; NT in this case would be a more rigorous mindset based on norms and values that have little to do with personal convictions but more with "what most people do". The bane of my existence has always been "the norm".
Fair enough. There's always the flip side of my line of questioning...the ways in which a relationship with an NT may give
us more to deal with than
we are prepared for. If we did divulge our Asperger's up front, even with a thorough description of what it entails in our individual instance, it's still likely we wouldn't be seeing the traits our
NT partner might have that would prove incompatible, early in a relationship. For example, in your case, an NT girl might not immediately reveal the extent of her tendency to conformity, then annoy you to distraction with it later. For you, different drummer that you are, that could be as big of a deal-breaker as any of your quirks might be for her.
I'd like to say that NTs should feel just as obligated to share their more potentially problematic traits up front as we are, but (1) they are unlikely to know what might be problematic for an ND person, and (2) unfortunately, NTs are socialised to hide their flaws in courtship. It's only us, for being "different", who feel compelled to be forthcoming.
My youthful years endowed me with a certain charisma, ...(edit)
Your being half-Asian and all, I'm happy to hear you were well-endowed with
something.
...(edit) I craved love, to be loved by everyone but without considering what to do once someone said 'I love you'.
So it was that I would go from one relationship to the next hoping to find true love and believeing I had been deceived, never seeing for one moment that I was the sole cause of my own loss...(edit)
I think concepts like "true love" can be hard for us to understand, never mind to know what to do with. It's such a vague and confusing idea, love. A nebulous entity that's hard to define and interpret. I, for one, have more than enough on my hands just wrapping my head round my basic emotions, as often as not.
Now that I have a pre- and post-revelation relationship to compare, I've been trying to determine how much knowing I have AS affects the way things play out in situations with a partner. It's difficult, because the two men in question are very different, in their personalities, their expectations, and their intentions. What I'm slowly working out, however, is that having an explanation for my behaviour doesn't change things all that much. I think my partner still bears the brunt of the burden, and having a name for the problem doesn't make it any lighter. How many of us who are actually in relationships can understand our own behaviour well enough, in the moment, to articulate it in terms an NT would understand? How many of us really fit the guidebooks all that well? How far does reading about a partner's Asperger's go towards understanding the reality of living it, or towards making frustrating behaviour any less frustrating? I'm more
understanding of my behaviour, now, certainly, but that doesn't always mean I can control or translate it any better. Even with good communication, I still can't fathom my partner's experience of me very well, and he can't understand mine of him.
So how do we live with our neurology being the cause of our own misery in relationships, never mind someone else's? Where
is the middle path, that leads to peace and enlightenment in an Aspie-NT relationship? Is it the same for both partners, or are we ultimately each travelling on our own?
Transparency is what I believe will make it work, my transparency that states 'I am an aspie' and this is what I am like at my worst and my best. A transparency that speaks of what I can be in certain situations and what I need in those moments. Moreover, a transparency that asks "what do you need from me?" with a soul-deep intent to fulfill it...(edit)
Good answer. Once we are transparent, how much responsibility do you believe we bear for what we can't change?
Yes. In my honest opinion. It would also help the Aspie in knowing quicker if the person is interested in learning about AS - if not then the relationship/friendship is going to be a hard road later on especially where communication is concerned.
Solid point, though I have to wonder, as I mentioned above to Harrison, if a person's interest in learning about Asperger's will necessary mean they'll truly understand it, or handle it any better in reality. People enter all sorts of affiliations with enthusiasm, willingness to learn, and the best of intentions, but that doesn't mean they'll be a good fit. Is there a way for either partner to gauge potential for actual success?
That might be a difficult question to answer in general, because people with AS can be so different. I don't know if there is an obligation, but I would say something. Otherwise the other person might quickly misunderstand me and there would be no chance of it working. They would think that I am consciously ignoring their "obvious" hints, or giving the silent treatment to their friends because I don't like them, but that isn't the case...
My thoughts as well. Nicely said, and quite succinctly.
...(edit) You need to love one another for who they truly are...(edit)
Your post was lovely, all the way round. I highlight this bit because it is a particularly interesting thought in terms of my original question.
Using myself as an example, I have been wearing a mask for a very long time and it's quite complete, especially when I interact with any NT. Harrison spoke of a fortress...I suppose that for many of us, that's the purpose our masks serve. I don't know how to engage with an NT without it, my partner included. Some Aspie behaviours slip through [generally the worst ones], for the fact that I can't control them beyond a point, but the innermost parts of me are quite firmly encased. I suspect at least some of us here can identify.
It's ironic, that the masks we wear to help us engage well with NTs could well be responsible for our downfall in a romantic context. NTs would certainly be deceived by it up front, such that their initial perceptions of us on which they base their interest wouldn't be accurate. But even with time, they may not ever be able to know some of the real "us" underneath. It may simply not translate. We can share certain values, priorities, and other commonalities, but there are aspects of us that aren't accessible to an NT. I wonder how we can ever truly compensate for that so the relationship is fair, and as anyone has a secret self of one sort or another, if it's different in NT/NT pairings.