If there is one thing we can count on at AC, it's that threads develop a life of their own and evolve in all directions. Have at it.
I took awhile to come back to this because I am still processing the relationship itself. I'm not sure it's appropriate to post all the details here. Basically, neither of us knew what meltdowns were or that I have them. Neither of us had any idea what shutdowns were or that he had them. When he shut me out once, I couldn't trust him again and became needy and depressed. It took me two and a half years to figure out and explain that that's what it was, and that I wasn't jealous of his ex like he assumed. We got hung up on lots of things... I would say he was giving me 'false hope' and he needed to make a decision for or against a relationship. He would say that 'false hope' didn't exist, because how could hope be false? Two years later, he finally understood what I meant and cut me off. Two years after that, he apologized and said it had just gotten too intense.
I don't know if anyone here has heard of Penelope Trunk, but she also has Asperger's--and other issues--and I really relate to
her description of troubles in her marriage. She talks about wanting to talk to her (neurotypical) husband while he is working on the farm. When he gets around to talking to her, he realizes she is too intense for him at the moment and goes back to his tractor, so she stands in front of the tractor. He keeps going, so she jumps on top of the tractor. She writes, "I think that's the picture of our relationship, right there. I want to talk, he doesn't, so we do terrible stuff together. I put myself in danger, and he goes along with it by saying that I'm crazy." Eventually you start to feel you
are the crazy one, and it
is all your fault, and he would be better off without you.
Aspies, have you had a relationship in which things started out fine, but your Aspieness became an insurmountable obstacle later?
It started out fine, because I recognized some of myself in him--the idealism, loyalty, and naivete. But although I could sense it and see it in his past, it was like I was barred from experiencing that side of him myself in the present. Once, I told him he was dead because of this (he didn't like that much), and "When was the last time you felt alive?" Oh man, me five and a half years ago is like a different person. That sort of blunt self-assuredness is mostly gone, I think. Another time, he told me that sometimes he wished he had met me earlier, which I assumed meant before his ex and/or period of unemployment, but I wasn't allowed to ask.
Neither of us was confronting our emotions in the beginning, so it could all be monagamous and safe at the same time it was non-committal with no threatening labels. I am not good at describing it, but I can tell you that people around us teased us, like, 'He follows her around everywhere,' 'He acts like her husband,' 'You two bicker like an old married couple,' and 'Can I steal your future babies?' (because apparently the babies would be cute and biracial). But after being shut out like I mentioned, the relationship became intense and unhealthy. Somehow we lived together for part of that. The good part of living together is we were like perfectly in sync in terms of when we'd get up, eat, work, nap, etc.
What happened? How did you handle it?
I think the thing that finally did us in was my depression. I'll never know for sure...I got the chance to ask, once, and he said he didn't know either. But maybe it's a trigger for him because I know a family member of his was depressed and eventually died, and he had to take care of them during college--one of the things that made him less successful there. So one day when I called him during this depressive catastrophizing mess, he talked me through it, but that was the end, for him. He had been unsure before, but after that, he wasn't really close to me again for three years. A couple times he tried to be, but I could see that he...was terrified, I guess. Reduced to a state in which he cannot talk. To be fair, he was also under a lot of work pressure, eventually losing his job and being unemployed again, so maybe it's not all me.
After two and a half years of not being together, I decided to stop beating myself up over it and try to move on. I had to stop myself from talking about him or to him and try to focus on someone new...eventually thoughts followed actions and I could stop thinking about him, too. That fell apart, but that's another story, and not quite a finished one.
What did you learn from it? Given the benefit of hindsight, could you have perhaps salvaged things? What might you have done?
If I had known, I would understand him--and myself--so much better. I wouldn't have pushed him so hard on the things he can't help, and I wouldn't have blamed myself for them, either. Some things would have been problems regardless, like my depression or him being hung up on his ex, but I think we could've worked around the communication problems somewhat. And just maybe, I would have managed my emotions better and not have stormed off on him quite so many times...
Especially for small crap like (from my perspective at the time) being inefficient and irrational by over-planning and rehearsing things. That tended to happen when we traveled together. I suppose to be fair, I also drove him nuts by forgetting or losing important stuff (should've planned more!) and making mistakes (you can't take care of yourself! you will get into serious trouble!).
I would have tried to make some things I thought were obvious--like my level of interest and commitment--even
more glaringly obvious. Maybe it's his trust issues, but he always assumed that my idea of being in a romantic relationship wasn't as serious as his and the reason I was with him is that I would have hooked up with any guy and he happened to be there (I resented what that implied about his opinion of my character, but anyway). Then again, maybe it had to happen at the pace it did. I certainly learned a lot in the process. Just wish it hadn't been so painful, for both of us.
We are talking again now. Text messages seem to work better for us. I have recently suggested to him he may have AS as well...he was a bit defensive, but he did say "maybe" which, coming from him, is like a huge admission, so he might get there eventually. Just have to be patient. I'm trying to come up with like, new rules for our conversations. I'll say something like, "I really appreciate you talking about this, but I don't think it works for you, so how about I talk to a therapist instead when this happens?" Or, "If something I say is too overwhelming and you can't respond, can you tell me that somehow, so that I don't go crazy with anxiety?" He didn't take me up on the telling me directly, but he did say something completely tangential, which I took to be as close as I would get to a sign that he is still there, just cannot respond. He even wished me a happy Valentine's Day, which is like whoah. He hates all holidays, especially greeting card ones.
I dunno. Maybe I'm being foolish. My two NT friends think so. But there is a connection between us unlike any other relationship, and I'm convinced we don't have to be bad for each other because we do really want what's best for one another. Anyway, I won't do anything rash.
Couldn't if I wanted to, we are quite far apart now.
