I think that everyone wears a mask. NTs included. The only difference seems to be that we Aspies tend to feel more bothered by it, as we have a strong urge to be honest, about almost everything...(edit)
...(edit) the internet can act as an excellent platform, for being your true self, without revealing who you are. You just have to find the right community, to test it on.
Another lovely and insightful post. I've really missed your participation on the forums.
I agree that everyone wears a mask, but that we Aspies feel more bothered by it. I'd add one other distinction. For a mentally healthy NT person, masks seem to be more about convenience, whereas for an Aspie, or someone with mental illness or a history of trauma, it's more of a necessity [or at least a defence perceived as necessity] in many respects. You got me thinking about why I chafe so hard against mine. Honesty, yes, and also a need for an indefinable sort of freedom. I care about being free more than almost anything.
Brilliant idea, about testing out one's true self online. I have two places where I essentially do that...here, and on one other forum I only visit periodically. Do these outlets go any distance toward allowing me to reveal more of myself elsewhere? No. But for others, this could be an excellent form of self-therapy and self-exploration, training for showing one's true self to those closer to them.
Knowing something is better than nothing. Otherwise you're blind to what is going on with the other person. That's not to say that certain things will be easier to handle, but getting to the "understanding" part will be a little easier with knowledge of the situation. You at least have a reason of why things are the way they are. Knowing the problem can then help with some solution. There still will be rough patches - aren't there in every relationship?
Well said, and all true.
...(edit) Understanding is key and very, very important. As I see it, the problem is that "most people" ether can not or will not understand. That makes successful relationships rare. Why are some partners not able to handle the situation after a diagnosis? They still do not understand. I can see that happening. I do not understand socially driven priorities ether.
As for the "will not understand," I can see how that could happen, if the relationship at time of diagnosis has already reached a point where the NT partner is weary and resentful. I imagine a scenario in which the NT partner is disheartened rather than relieved by diagnosis, as they might see it as an indication that the behaviours they find problematic are unlikely to change. That, and honestly some people don't do well when they find out their partner is disordered or defective in some way. "This isn't what I signed on for." To be fair, I can think of a couple of circumstances for which I might say the same thing.
About the "can not understand," this one mystifies me a bit. If the AS partner can and does articulate themselves, well and often, the NT partner should be able to follow the thread. A very good argument for making intelligence and perceptiveness essential qualities in an NT partner. I'd rather have a mate with the countenance of a walrus but an excellent mind, over a handsome creature who is average at best in terms of capacity. Kindness notwithstanding for the latter. Kindness isn't enough, though many a very complicated person gets involved with someone for their compassion and both parties regret it later.
I have no real idea what true love is although I am adopting Slithy's concept of pragma. As you say, basic emotions are hard enough.
I am hoping that after all this time alone and agonising over my past conduct that I am able to understand the majority of my patterns...(edit)
On your first point, I tend to agree with Slithy's Pragma notion as well. No doubt it's a bit more complicated than that, but it's a damn good foundation to work from.
As for understanding your own patterns, I'm finding that partners are quite good at helping with that. They only need to keep in mind that I respond best to calm delivery at an emotionally neutral time. Tell me about a pattern of mine at an elevated pitch and you'll not see much movement from me to correct it. Present it in gentle tones and couch it objectively, and I'll take a hard look at what I can do.
Our neurology is not our misery, how we think of our neurology and how we respond to it are...(edit)
...(edit)It is frightening that I hear so much of 'aspies can't do....' that comes not from experience but because someone told them that. Fail a hundred times and call it practise.
Agreed on "Our neurology is not our misery", etc. I should have better said it's the root cause, as I am a visual thinker and was envisioning a Causal Chain Analysis model since we're talking about something social. At least I now know you can't really read my mind.
Amen on the second bit about what Aspies can't do.