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Alone again at Christmas

A

Aspiecats

Member
I am so lonely. I have no one to talk to, other than shallow talk to the cashier at the grocery store. "How do you like the weather?" types of conversation. I look out the window at the neighbors Christmas lights, watch cars pull up to their houses for visits. But, I know no one is going to call or come see me, because there isn't anyone.

I find I just sit here day in day out waiting for nothing. I want to find a reason to go on living, but everything seems hopeless. I am not suicidal but, I just don't see the point in trying. I have no family, no friends.

I used to enjoy doing construction projects but, I tore out my shoulders a year ago and can no longer lift my arms above my shoulders. I had all sorts of friends when I was physically able to assist them in there projects but once I was of no physical use to them I have been basically ghosted. I went on Disability in 2011 because of my inability to work due to my PDD NOS and other co-morbidities.

Get this I was a Special Ed. ED (emotionally disturbed) teacher in public schools. Did fine with the students and clashed with administrations because they wouldn't follow their own protocols.

I have a type of ASD that I call Larry David Syndrome. If you have watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" that is me. Except, I am not a wealthy television writer. I am afraid to go anywhere due to getting myself in trouble with my comments. That doesn't mean I am ok with being locked in a room all day everyday though, even though this is self imposed.

I just want to know if there are others out there like me who just don't seem to be able to communicate with the others in this world?
 
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I've become comfortable being alone at Christmas. Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at it. I'll probably delve into my hobbies and watch a little football. I've heard of some people who volunteer for charities when they're alone for a holiday. It gives them a chance to be with others and do something rewarding.
 
Aspiecats said:
I am so lonely. I have no one to talk to, other than shallow talk to the cashier at the grocery store. "How do you like the weather?" types of conversation. I look out the window at the neighbors Christmas lights, watch cars pull up to their houses for visits. But, I know no one is going to call or come see me, because there isn't anyone.

I find I just sit here day in day out waiting for nothing. I want to find a reason to go on living, but everything seems hopeless. I am not suicidal but, I just don't see the point in trying. I have no family, no friends.

I used to enjoy doing construction projects but, I tore out my shoulders a year ago and can no longer lift my arms above my shoulders. I had all sorts of friends when I was physically able to assist them in there projects but once I was of no physical use to them I have been basically ghosted. I went on Disability in 2011 because of my inability to work due to my PDD NOS and other co-morbidities.

Get this I was a Special Ed. ED (emotionally disturbed) teacher in public schools. Did fine with the students and clashed with administrations because they wouldn't follow their own protocols.

I have a type of ASD that I call Larry David Syndrome. If you have watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" that is me. Except, I am not a wealthy television writer. I am afraid to go anywhere due to getting myself in trouble with my comments. That doesn't mean I am ok with being locked in a room all day everyday though, even though this is self imposed.

I just want to know if there are others out there like me who just don't seem to be able to communicate with the others in this world?
Click to expand...
I am very sorry. I have people in my life and are lucky to not be alone at Christmas.
But the need for geniune connection is painful. Especially if you are someone who enjoys touch so much.
The reality for me is I latch onto unavailable people for sexual relationships just to have someone's body on mine and them on me to feel some warmth and comfort and intimacy and love.
I feel the same way about my faith is I long for faith connection yet do not feel like I fit a faith box which has really hurt me.
Because I get into a lot of trouble trying to get love and touch and it is just painful and horrible and hurts me a lot.
It is stupid, no sin in wanting love or touch.

The ways I feel like I do not want to be hurt because of these feelings.
I am sorry for you and hope you so not give up.
Hope you have a merry Christmas and there is better waiting for you.
So not right people have to feel lonely like this.
I know you probably long for one person but I long for a person who is affectionate like me
 
Aspiecats said:
I have a type of ASD that I call Larry David Syndrome. If you have watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" that is me. Except, I am not a wealthy television writer. I am afraid to go anywhere due to getting myself in trouble with my comments.
Click to expand...
Great description.

Aspiecats said:
I just want to know if there are others out there like me who just don't seem to be able to communicate with the others in this world?
Click to expand...
Yup. That's me. Got into a fight with family yesterday because plans for christmas eve were changing and people were misunderstanding me and each other. I just state things the way they are and people interpret it as being rude.

Over the last year I've come to realise that I don't have a lot of control over the communication issues. I quickly become overwhelmed and then everything is depressing and frustrating and I can't stop myself getting angry (with myself, with others, with the situation). So I am now trying to spend more time on my own. Which is sad in a way but also a relief as it means my brain can be calm at least some of the time.

Chatting on this forum helps. Many of the people here seem to "get it" even though we're all experiencing something different. And real-time two-way conversation is risky for me. Chatting at my own pace is better.

Welcome!
 
Hi and welcome to the forums!
I am sorry you are feeling down, hopefully this forum might help you a bit with loneliness
 
Yep. Got a shrinking number of family I spend it with. The last gift I want for Christmas in all truth is a girl to be with. To hug, to held, to love, cherish, be kind to and have it in return.
To be close by in sickness and nuitering back to health. As I would do with her.
 
Aspiecats said:
I am so lonely. I have no one to talk to, other than shallow talk to the cashier at the grocery store. "How do you like the weather?" types of conversation. I look out the window at the neighbors Christmas lights, watch cars pull up to their houses for visits. But, I know no one is going to call or come see me, because there isn't anyone.

I find I just sit here day in day out waiting for nothing. I want to find a reason to go on living, but everything seems hopeless. I am not suicidal but, I just don't see the point in trying. I have no family, no friends.

I used to enjoy doing construction projects but, I tore out my shoulders a year ago and can no longer lift my arms above my shoulders. I had all sorts of friends when I was physically able to assist them in there projects but once I was of no physical use to them I have been basically ghosted. I went on Disability in 2011 because of my inability to work due to my PDD NOS and other co-morbidities.

Get this I was a Special Ed. ED (emotionally disturbed) teacher in public schools. Did fine with the students and clashed with administrations because they wouldn't follow their own protocols.

I have a type of ASD that I call Larry David Syndrome. If you have watched "Curb Your Enthusiasm" that is me. Except, I am not a wealthy television writer. I am afraid to go anywhere due to getting myself in trouble with my comments. That doesn't mean I am ok with being locked in a room all day everyday though, even though this is self imposed.

I just want to know if there are others out there like me who just don't seem to be able to communicate with the others in this world?
Click to expand...

I understand this, @Aspiecats

I lived with family that never paid any attention to me hardly, hiding in the basement. I fell into a deep depression on my own, self isolating. Not wanting to, but feeling it's my only option. I had people here and there I knew. But nothing quelled my loneliness's death grip on me. I'm still combating it today. My uncle has been helping. But it's a struggle.

The worse monsters are the ones are in our own head.

Welcome and try to keep positive.
 
tazz said:
Great description.


Yup. That's me. Got into a fight with family yesterday because plans for christmas eve were changing and people were misunderstanding me and each other. I just state things the way they are and people interpret it as being rude.

Over the last year I've come to realise that I don't have a lot of control over the communication issues. I quickly become overwhelmed and then everything is depressing and frustrating and I can't stop myself getting angry (with myself, with others, with the situation). So I am now trying to spend more time on my own. Which is sad in a way but also a relief as it means my brain can be calm at least some of the time.

Chatting on this forum helps. Many of the people here seem to "get it" even though we're all experiencing something different. And real-time two-way conversation is risky for me. Chatting at my own pace is better.

Welcome!
Click to expand...
 
Tazz, I think you get it. People just change the rules. I have to plan every expedition outside my home, which is my safe area. I shut down the minute things start changing because I have already planned out how things are supposed to go. I am not very flexible because that makes my world feel out of control. It is so difficult to wrap my head around things and organize myself to participate in the neurotypical world that I feel I have to be in control just to make it through.
I have no interest in being "touched, hugged etc..." I just want to be included.
People get frustrated with me, while stating they know about Autism Spectrum but, they instead tell me to deal with it. They want me to accommodate them and be neuro-typical. How about they pretend to be Autistic. It seems like they can just ignore every infraction in life while I notice it.
I try so hard to just shut my mouth when I start noticing infractions, but I usually end up vomiting out my opinions, then everyone is mad at me. I have cut myself off from the world at this point after years of failed relationships. I know it is my own fault that I am alone, but that doesn't make it easy or ok. Sometimes being invited is enough for me, I don't even have to go and participate in activities, but when no one cares enough to even make contact because I am so different in my thinking that is when it hurts.
 
lovely_darlingprettybaby said:
I am very sorry. I have people in my life and are lucky to not be alone at Christmas.
But the need for geniune connection is painful. Especially if you are someone who enjoys touch so much.
The reality for me is I latch onto unavailable people for sexual relationships just to have someone's body on mine and them on me to feel some warmth and comfort and intimacy and love.
I feel the same way about my faith is I long for faith connection yet do not feel like I fit a faith box which has really hurt me.
Because I get into a lot of trouble trying to get love and touch and it is just painful and horrible and hurts me a lot.
It is stupid, no sin in wanting love or touch.

The ways I feel like I do not want to be hurt because of these feelings.
I am sorry for you and hope you so not give up.
Hope you have a merry Christmas and there is better waiting for you.
So not right people have to feel lonely like this.
I know you probably long for one person but I long for a person who is affectionate like me
Click to expand...
I have no interest in physical contact at all. The thought of a handshake freaks me out. I don't even like being in the same aisle in a store with others. My loneliness is not being able to be accepted as a participant social gatherings. Sometimes just being invited and having the option of participating is enough, but when no one even cares to contact me or care if I am still alive that is when it is difficult. I can't imagine how awful it is to want physical contact. I have two cats that sit on my lap and that suffices. But, the cats can't talk and laugh, that is what I need.
 
Wolfnox said:
I don’t do this. But, I do understand why you do it.
Click to expand...
Thanks, I wish I did not do it.
But also I am in a lot of physical pain. I wish I did not do it because it is not how I really feel.
It is the kind of thing with trauma cptsd, you wish you did not do it but you do then it turns into a big mess when you are scared of consequences.
 
It
Aspiecats said:
Tazz, I think you get it. People just change the rules. I have to plan every expedition outside my home, which is my safe area. I shut down the minute things start changing because I have already planned out how things are supposed to go. I am not very flexible because that makes my world feel out of control. It is so difficult to wrap my head around things and organize myself to participate in the neurotypical world that I feel I have to be in control just to make it through.
I have no interest in being "touched, hugged etc..." I just want to be included.
People get frustrated with me, while stating they know about Autism Spectrum but, they instead tell me to deal with it. They want me to accommodate them and be neuro-typical. How about they pretend to be Autistic. It seems like they can just ignore every infraction in life while I notice it.
I try so hard to just shut my mouth when I start noticing infractions, but I usually end up vomiting out my opinions, then everyone is mad at me. I have cut myself off from the world at this point after years of failed relationships. I know it is my own fault that I am alone, but that doesn't make it easy or ok. Sometimes being invited is enough for me, I don't even have to go and participate in activities, but when no one cares enough to even make contact because I am so different in my thinking that is when it hurts.
Click to expand...
It is not your fault, it is trauma.

Me I like touch. I like hugs, kisses etc and sensual touch but I may have days i do not like it.
I think someone really hot you are into inside and out is amazing for a partner. If they are not that hot it is ok
But they have to be something appealing like have appeal and if they really nice too, it is appealing.
Intellectual, creative and nice.
And yet feels like too much to ask for. Which seems ridiculous
If they have no appeal how would you like them??
 
Aspiecats said:
I am so lonely. I have no one to talk to, other than shallow talk to the cashier at the grocery store. "How do you like the weather?" types of conversation. I look out the window at the neighbors Christmas lights, watch cars pull up to their houses for visits. But, I know no one is going to call or come see me, because there isn't anyone.

...

I just want to know if there are others out there like me who just don't seem to be able to communicate with the others in this world?
Click to expand...
Hi Aspiecats, first of all, as the others have said, welcome to this forum, I'm sure this is a good place for you to be - and I'm happy you share your story here even it is a bit sad, especially about what appeared to be your frinds until you couldn't help them, it is ok to share things like that here. I won't be alone this Christmas, but I can relate to your experience of having a hard time to communicate with NT's in the real world.
 
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