Advice needed? An odd situation

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm unsure if this is even the right place to ask for this sort of advice. Maybe it's not advice I need, but...just a place to part with my thoughts. Thank you in advance for bearing with me.

It...well, I don't know how to begin. A person with whom I once had a past has somehow managed to reappear into my life, but as far as interactions go there has been no contact between us. Honestly at one point in my life, I figured that they were dead (this was in the utmost pits of despair, falling into escapism). At first I figured my eyes were playing tricks on me, but as mask mandates have been lifted in my area of the country I knew it was them. At my realization I felt all kinds of sensations and emotions: shame, nervousness, guilt; intense hatred for myself and who I used to be, and more annoyingly thoughts of what could've been. In my area of work, this individual is a recurring customer.

I worry many things, and worry most of all that by writing my anxieties they will manifest into existence. Of course, I know that part of my mind is being irrational, but to every irration there must also be ration. I have not seen this individual in nearly a decade, and our parting was abrupt and jarring and I over-reacted poorly due to my unknown autism. But I never ever imagined that there may once be a day where we cross paths; what was once my greatest hope and end-goal has now become a nightmare; a thing to be cautious about. But why?

Maybe I'm just over-thinking things...but I don't know. What not to do is obviously walk up to them and say "Ah hello, glad you're not dead!" Would they think me angry at them, or insane? Oh, the alternatives and angles...I really know what not to do but I don't know what to do.

 

[Aspychata]

It's a past. So it's in the past. So you can just start new. Smile, act like hey, good to see you. How is life treating you? Curious what others will say.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It's a past. So it's in the past. So you can just start new. Smile, act like hey, good to see you. How is life treating you? Curious what others will say.

I...I suppose so. But they do not know that I recognize them, and I can entirely understand if they don't recognize me. And moreover my name is unique, and upon my name-tag. So...golly, I'm mute enough as it is at work anyways.

 

[Judge]

I...I suppose so. But they do not know that I recognize them, and I can entirely understand if they don't recognize me. And moreover my name is unique, and upon my name-tag. So...golly, I'm mute enough as it is at work anyways.

Interesting. I can only surmise that a great deal of time has lapsed since you last saw each other. To a point where either of you may not be recognizable. Under such circumstances, it would seem reasonable to ask her if she's such-and-such, and if so, then launch into that above suggested phrase, "How's life been treating you"...or something along those lines.

Then again this all made me recall a time when I drove up right behind a former significant other. It did appear that she noticed me in her rear-view mirror, and I waved to her. She gunned her engine and sped off. No surprise, as she was the one ex-girlfriend I chose to leave. AWKWARD....but expected I suppose.

 

[1ForAll]

If it is the same person you had posted about longer ago with much past feelings for, I would not even approach her. Act as if you either do not recognize her or have moved on from her long ago, by pretending as if she is a stranger and/or you are not interested anymore what she she looks like and is doing or has done since you parted ways.

She did not want to update you then all those years, how she was or where she was, but to distance from you, so why approach her now and act like you care. Let her feel you have moved on, and as you have a fiance now. Your partner is the one who wanted you long term and is loyal to you, so she deserves your thoughts and attention there.

I am not saying you should be bitter towards the other woman, but just see her like any other customer if possible, as that is likely what she wants too if she recognizes you. The past is the past, and things have changed since those years you met her, and that is the risk she took when she left you behind. Those are the breaks, but it is you that has a new life now, without her, and I suspect her new life is her focus now too.

 

[SusanLR]

Oh, my. Blunt's the word.
I would probably have done what you were thinking.
Especially if the relationship ended on a bit of a sour note." Hi, how are you doing? I thought you were dead!"

Sorry. Don't take that as advice.
That's just me.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Interesting. I can only surmise that a great deal of time has lapsed since you last saw each other. To a point where either of you may not be recognizable. Under such circumstances, it would seem reasonable to ask her if she's such-and-such, and if so, then launch into that above suggested phrase, "How's life been treating you"...or something along those lines.

Then again this all made me recall a time when I drove up right behind a former significant other. It did appear that she noticed me in her rear-view mirror, and I waved to her. She gunned her engine and sped off. No surprise, as she was the one ex-girlfriend I chose to leave. AWKWARD....but expected I suppose.

Yes; it's been almost a decade.

Yikes!

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Oh, my. Blunt's the word.
I would probably have done what you were thinking.
Especially if the relationship ended on a bit of a sour note." Hi, how are you doing? I thought you were dead!"

Sorry. Don't take that as advice.
That's just me.

Well, I'd not say it ended sourly, but...we just fell out of touch and it spiraled me. Not her fault. But yes...I agree that maybe not saying anything is the best route.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

If it is the same person you had posted about longer ago with much past feelings for, I would not even approach her. Act as if you either do not recognize her or have moved on from her long ago, by pretending as if she is a stranger and/or you are not interested anymore what she she looks like and is doing or has done since you parted ways.

She did not want to update you then all those years, how she was or where she was, but to distance from you, so why approach her now and act like you care. Let her feel you have moved on, and as you have a fiance now. Your partner is the one who wanted you long term and is loyal to you, so she deserves your thoughts and attention there.

I am not saying you should be bitter towards the other woman, but just see her like any other customer if possible, as that is likely what she wants too if she recognizes you. The past is the past, and things have changed since those years you met her, and that is the risk she took when she left you behind. Those are the breaks, but it is you that has a new life now, without her, and I suspect her new life is her focus now too.

....yes, it's the same person. :/ I mean, technically I have moved on--both emotionally and in other ways, especially from a maturing aspect. It's just super difficult to remember the connection I felt in the past and how I'd held onto it for so long. Why is it that with my autism I'm barely emotional but then this happens and I just...wake up?

Yes--that point is something I've reminded myself. I have one whom I cherish and love deeply now, but it's very awkward internally because we had met around the same time of parting ways with the other individual. Gah, I just feel like a mess.

Oh no, I agree with you--no point in being needlessly bitter. I treat all my customers the same anyways, so why would she be an exception?

I will also say that from an odd autism perspective--is this something other struggle with?--is that situational context renders me a different person. At work, I'm at work and there's no other life outside of this, nor other people. like...distance affects how I feel about people. I'm just talking from my elbows now...

Thank you for your advice!

 

[Storm Hess]

It's your choice on whether to acknowledge them or not. If it's in the past, would it be best to leave it there? You don't seem confident enough to deal with possible developments that would occur. It's truly up to you on how you feel about the situation and your ability to cope.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It's your choice on whether to acknowledge them or not. If it's in the past, would it be best to leave it there? You don't seem confident enough to deal with possible developments that would occur. It's truly up to you on how you feel about the situation and your ability to cope.

Yes; it would be best to leave the past as the past--but in similar I cannot help but think of what once was. But I don't do it intentionally.

And you're right, too--I'm not confident in any sort of confrontation. My autism...lately controls me more, and I often freeze up and cannot speak. Seeing them just makes things worse inside. but my mind won't shut up

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe it wouldn't be a confrontation, the old saying "time heals all", does help.

 

[Judge]

Yes; it would be best to leave the past as the past--but in similar I cannot help but think of what once was. But I don't do it intentionally.

And you're right, too--I'm not confident in any sort of confrontation. My autism...lately controls me more, and I often freeze up and cannot speak. Seeing them just makes things worse inside. but my mind won't shut up

It's ok to ponder the past. I do it a lot in terms of past relationships.

Though in your case it would seem that you've answered your own question in terms of whether to attempt to rekindle whatever connection you once had with this person.

-Not to go there. At least not to make contact with her. To leave things as they are without actually approaching her.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Maybe it wouldn't be a confrontation, the old saying "time heals all", does help.

You're right. This was one perspective I hadn't thought of at the time...

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It's ok to ponder the past. I do it a lot in terms of past relationships.

Though in your case it would seem that you've answered your own question in terms of whether to attempt to rekindle whatever connection you once had with this person.

-Not to go there. At least not to make contact with her. To leave things as they are without actually approaching her.

Pondering if left unchecked for me will spiral into manifestations of over-thinking and downright daydreaming and I'll get stuck on the feeling of possibilities.

I...I have? Hmm, all right. I just need to remind myself in the moment to just...freeze and do nothing.