Adult Daughter intolerant and condescending about me sharing my diagnosis and trying to educate her about it

[Neri]

I'm so upset right now and I have no one to talk about this with, right now.
I've recently told my daughter (29) about my diagnosis, because I believe she has a right to know. And I also try to advocate for my youngest "high-functioning" Aspie son, who has been very socially avoidant, towards ALL his siblings (there are 7 in total) but not toward me.

My daughter hasn't taken this well. "You are trying to make excuses for yourself" (and my son) ..."You've been trying to diagnose yourself all my life" (not true, after years of narcissistic abuse from her, much-older-than-me father, who called me "crazy" all the time, I thought I might've had bipolar, for a while, when she was in her early-mid teens, then I did get a bpd diagnosis (that I didn't know about for years) , then when she was an adult I got a cptsd diagnosis. Before now, at 50, I've gotten an ASD+ADHD diagnosis.
I never even said anything about the earlier "depression and anxiety" diagnoses I got before that.
The problem, I think, other than her taking on some of her Dad's abusive attitude toward me, (he also claimed I was a hypercondriac), is that I'm s pretty decent masker. And so, yeah, she completely doesn't want to know, refuses to understand and has taken for granted and been oblivious to my excellent masking abilities. I am, quite clearly "twice exceptional" with an IQ to underscore that fact, and that means than SHE HAS NO IDEA how hard I've worked at appearing neurotyical, only to have her accuse me of what?

Making it all up? Even though I have the clinical diagnosis' to show and to prove it all?

I have made the biggest deal to my other children about how compassionate, supportive, wise and kind that daughter is, but, now I'm wondering ...Is that maybe what I wanted to believe and it just isn't so?

Should I take it as a compliment? That she doesn't believe I'm autistic? Except you would have to be blind to ignore all the troubles I've had in my life. Is she just trying to shame me? Because she's holding on to where I failed her, as a child?
She did say "Maybe you just THINK your autistic because you've had a hard life"

To which I replied "No, I've had a hard life BECAUSE I'm autistic".

At this point I don't feel like talking to her for a long time. If this is the attitude I have to deal with.

I'm done masking so hard that I'm a write off for, potentially, weeks on end, after supporting her and helping with my grandbaby (who I utterly adore hanging out with, btw).

I've had A LOT of shabby treatment from my older kids while I was still with their dad (21 years) and after. He took great pleasure pitting them against me, still does, but, mostly, they aren't taken in by it anymore. And in fact, she was happy to tell me she had stuck up for me (for, perhaps the first time ever) when her older (schizophrenic) brother repeated some shaming and accusatory thing his dad had said about me recently and she sided with me on the issue.

Which I told her I was grateful for (long time coming that) and I am grateful that my kid's are seeing through untrue and harmful stuff their dad says about me, but this, this just reminds me of how dismissive, condescending and gaslight-y he is and has spent years trying to train them all up to be towards me (all except my youngest children, who were too needy of their mum and unmanipulatable, as a result).

I don't know what I want here, with telling you all this. Other than just writing it out is helping quell how hurt and reactive I feel.

 

[Judge]

Too many of us have gone through something similar. In as much as it comes as an intense revelation for us, how others feel about it is likely to come as both a surprise and as well a bitter disappointment. Including those in our closest social orbit, regardless of how long you have known them.

* There are a tiny few who will want to understand and will succeed.

* There will be a few more who want to understand and fail.

* And the vast majority will not understand, not want to and expect or demand that you conform to their thought processes rather than your own.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I have not had this experience myself, but that sounds horrendous. My dad was likely an undiagnosed Autistic, and made for a great scapegoat by his mom and my mom. So I've seen this situation from the child's view.

I think Judge is right in his assessment. After I got diagnosed, I talked more with my brother and my dad's sister about my dad's Autistic traits. While they accept my diagnosis, they seem less convinced about him, though he better fits the stereotypes. Sometimes, I think people already have their view of us, and very little will change that. Which sucks, when you experience self-discovery, and better understand yourself. And that must be extra hard since these are your children.

Perhaps you will just have to continue on your path, and see if they come around. Nothing else may convince them, if they change their minds at all.

 

[Aspychata]

Telling someone you maybe have or are diagnosed with autism, is like telling them you have cancer. My mom totally blew me off. It definitely runs on her side. Now about 6 months later, l think she is thinking about it more. As my brother and mother have both held jobs that people on the spectrum do well at. Maybe just step back, and get on with this understanding and acceptance of yourself. And welcome to the tribe. I mean to the forum. Now if we could only get a Disneyland pass or a lifetime of free ice cream cones at Dairy Queen, that would be sweet. But this forum is a great place to come when you need support.

 

[Neri]

Thank you all. Your support, understanding and inclusion is a balm to my emotional turmoil, right now.
Much appreciated.

 

[Slime_Punk]

In my experience, everyone who is important to you will eventually accept the reality, but it can take time.

TBH, I think some of this comes from our innate fear of change; seeing somebody in a different light (even extending to an ASD diagnosis) can really upset their ego (and, I can vouch for this even happening to myself at the time), but eventually that part won't matter as much anymore.

Unfortunately, there can be a lot of growing pains when getting a late diagnosis that we didn't really anticipate. I hope this part goes as smoothly for you as possible.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I'm so upset right now and I have no one to talk about this with, right now.
I've recently told my daughter (29) about my diagnosis, because I believe she has a right to know. And I also try to advocate for my youngest "high-functioning" Aspie son, who has been very socially avoidant, towards ALL his siblings (there are 7 in total) but not toward me.

My daughter hasn't taken this well. "You are trying to make excuses for yourself" (and my son) ..."You've been trying to diagnose yourself all my life" (not true, after years of narcissistic abuse from her, much-older-than-me father, who called me "crazy" all the time, I thought I might've had bipolar, for a while, when she was in her early-mid teens, then I did get a bpd diagnosis (that I didn't know about for years) , then when she was an adult I got a cptsd diagnosis. Before now, at 50, I've gotten an ASD+ADHD diagnosis.
I never even said anything about the earlier "depression and anxiety" diagnoses I got before that.
The problem, I think, other than her taking on some of her Dad's abusive attitude toward me, (he also claimed I was a hypercondriac), is that I'm s pretty decent masker. And so, yeah, she completely doesn't want to know, refuses to understand and has taken for granted and been oblivious to my excellent masking abilities. I am, quite clearly "twice exceptional" with an IQ to underscore that fact, and that means than SHE HAS NO IDEA how hard I've worked at appearing neurotyical, only to have her accuse me of what?

Making it all up? Even though I have the clinical diagnosis' to show and to prove it all?

I have made the biggest deal to my other children about how compassionate, supportive, wise and kind that daughter is, but, now I'm wondering ...Is that maybe what I wanted to believe and it just isn't so?

Should I take it as a compliment? That she doesn't believe I'm autistic? Except you would have to be blind to ignore all the troubles I've had in my life. Is she just trying to shame me? Because she's holding on to where I failed her, as a child?
She did say "Maybe you just THINK your autistic because you've had a hard life"

To which I replied "No, I've had a hard life BECAUSE I'm autistic".

At this point I don't feel like talking to her for a long time. If this is the attitude I have to deal with.

I'm done masking so hard that I'm a write off for, potentially, weeks on end, after supporting her and helping with my grandbaby (who I utterly adore hanging out with, btw).

I've had A LOT of shabby treatment from my older kids while I was still with their dad (21 years) and after. He took great pleasure pitting them against me, still does, but, mostly, they aren't taken in by it anymore. And in fact, she was happy to tell me she had stuck up for me (for, perhaps the first time ever) when her older (schizophrenic) brother repeated some shaming and accusatory thing his dad had said about me recently and she sided with me on the issue.

Which I told her I was grateful for (long time coming that) and I am grateful that my kid's are seeing through untrue and harmful stuff their dad says about me, but this, this just reminds me of how dismissive, condescending and gaslight-y he is and has spent years trying to train them all up to be towards me (all except my youngest children, who were too needy of their mum and unmanipulatable, as a result).

I don't know what I want here, with telling you all this. Other than just writing it out is helping quell how hurt and reactive I feel.

Not an uncommon occurrence when adults are diagnosed, especially if the other person(s) tend to be conservative politically, as was my experience. If the other person considers ASD-1/Asperger's nothing more than a "label" to "identify with" and they have already made a "moral diagnosis" of you, then you'll likely never get past that. You'll always have that stigma of a "bad person looking for excuses". I literally had to separate myself from my family, it was that bad.

Even my own wife, who is a highly educated person, it took about a year or two for it to settle into her brain.

 

[Rodafina]

Having people show difficulty accepting autism once it is disclosed to them seems pretty common for folks on the forum. But, in your case, it sounds like the family dynamic has really exacerbated the situation. I can't imagine what it feels like to have had a husband who treated you the way that yours did and who manipulated your children to see you through a false lens.

Should I take it as a compliment? That she doesn't believe I'm autistic?

No. Being "visibly autistic" is not something to be ashamed of and hiding it is not an accomplishment. For some of us who learned to heavily mask and become a chameleon, there was a very heavy price to pay. The toll of pretending and hiding our autistic traits and struggles can be very damaging to our mental and physical health. The only thing this shows is that she does not yet understand you or what you have been through. Although she can see that your life has been "hard," she doesn't know what your inner struggle has been. This is a piece of the toll that masking takes - people who are so close to us do not even know what we've had to do to get by and survive and try to fit in. Maybe it's time to just patiently let her see the real you more and more with the hope that she can learn and understand better. If people do not already have an intimate knowledge of what autism is and what it feels like to have it, it can be difficult for them to apply the term to you.

 

[Neri]

Having people show difficulty accepting autism once it is disclosed to them seems pretty common for folks on the forum. But, in your case, it sounds like the family dynamic has really exacerbated the situation. I can't imagine what it feels like to have had a husband who treated you the way that yours did and who manipulated your children to see you through a false lens.


No. Being "visibly autistic" is not something to be ashamed of and hiding it is not an accomplishment. For some of us who learned to heavily mask and become a chameleon, there was a very heavy price to pay. The toll of pretending and hiding our autistic traits and struggles can be very damaging to our mental and physical health. The only thing this shows is that she does not yet understand you or what you have been through. Although she can see that your life has been "hard," she doesn't know what your inner struggle has been. This is a piece of the toll that masking takes - people who are so close to us do not even know what we've had to do to get by and survive and try to fit in. Maybe it's time to just patiently let her see the real you more and more with the hope that she can learn and understand better. If people do not already have an intimate knowledge of what autism is and what it feels like to have it, it can be difficult for them to apply the term to you.

She know what it looks like only through the lens of having a brother with autism who also has an intellectual disability. I think she conflates the two. I notice people can tend to do that.
I asked her is she thought her brother N_ is Autistic and she said yes, and then I asked if she thought my dad was Autistic and she said she didn't know him well enough. Which is sad as both my parents have not done real well being grandparents to my kids, just as they weren't too proactive as parents either.

I think I'm going to give her loads of time to process. I am tired anyway, from raising them all and having to put such a huge amount in and it's like I've had to constantly push myself to mother them as well as I have, and in her case, I said "I'll meet you half way".

but I'm not prepared to mask constantly around her just to be taken for granted and be treated like that. She was rolling her eyes at me today. Trying to explain monotropism to her and well. I just think I'll have some much needed time for me, instead of making such huge efforts that are clearly, taken for granted, anyway.
I did say to her "We love each other and we will work it out. It might take a month or even a year or years, but sooner or later, we will get past this.
Shes a grown woman and I don't have to worry about her anymore. She is doing very well, and if she isn't she know I'll always be there and am a great source of helpful insight and loving support.

 

[330]

@Neri
Sorry you are going through this.Especially with your own child .
I had to dislocate myself from some people after my diagnosis.

What I have found is most people are ignorant about autism . They don’t understand a spectrum concept or difficulty within one’s mind .
Now if you had no legs they would see this and treat you much differently.
The problem to not observe , understand or comprehend autism is on them .
The best you can do is make the quality of your existence better.

I wish there was a way to transfer my experience just for 1 minute to certain people .
As of now I am having severe sensory issues
I can’t even get out of bed yet
because from the moment I woke up
A tv is blasting
Bright lights are on
The cat is walking around meowing very loud
The dog is out side barking at anything that moves
And the motion sensor is being triggered on my phone every time the dog runs back forth in the yard .
My brain feels like it is going to explode

It is physically hurting my brain and ears because it is so much pain .

Now I know this has already put me in shut down and if I go downstairs I’m not gonna be able to decipher and fill all the blanks with what people are trying to tell me.
I am irritable now.
And if I express what is wrong nobody cares or if I complain and I am told I am being rude.

Can someone ever comprehend my experience who is not on the spectrum probably not . I wish they could .

Sorry for the rant.
But what I don’t need to convince anyone or care to anymore .

I know this is not healthy but I usually don’t associate often with people that need to be convinced.

All though I have a hard time imagining what that would be like with one’s own child .
I feel for you, and wish you luck .
We are here to listen to you vent.
And there could be some good advice as well .

 

[Hypnalis]

@Neri

I've tried many different ways to explain ND to sympathetic NT's, but never had any real success.

I'm accepted anyway, so (a) the failures aren't important to me, and (b) I get to try different approaches with the same people (e.g. family and long-term friends and acquaintances) as well as with new people.

Based on my experience, I have some suggestions:
* Go with "Aspie" (my choice) or something else that doesn't have any (zero) negative connotations. IMO "Autism" is "negatively loaded" for many people.
* Don't try for understanding. Working for acceptance has worked much better for me.
* Unlink any "co-morbidities" from being an Aspie. All the other ones can (should) be presented as separate "mental health issues". That term has become accepted, and the thresholds are being lowered rapidly, which makes it much easier to explain.

Your daughter seems to have a psychological bias she's not aware of.
I'd suggest you don't work on "walking back" earlier discussions on this topic, nor go into much detail on things she only partially understands. Hopefully it will be forgotten (or ideally "over-written" by "acceptance") in time.

 

[Neri]

Too many of us have gone through something similar. In as much as it comes as an intense revelation for us, how others feel about it is likely to come as both a surprise and as well a bitter disappointment. Including those in our closest social orbit, regardless of how long you have known them.

* There are a tiny few who will want to understand and will succeed.

* There will be a few more who want to understand and fail.

* And the vast majority will not understand, not want to and expect or demand that you conform to their thought processes rather than your own.

At the moment, it seems she has zero interest in trying to understand. I thought we had a more supportive relationship, but, now I think about it's more one sided with me being supportive of her and her wanting even more and more and feeling a little victimized that she doesn't get enough of me. And this is after years, 9 years, of her siding with her dad and being happy to be abusive and rejecting and dismissive of me.

We have been good for about 4 years now, but I think maybe I've been quite fawny and constantly apologetic. My diagnosis is helping rid myself of internalized ableism and deep, deep shame. I have been trying too hard to get her approval

It sucks that narcissistic people can suck in others who would be much nicer people if they weren't trying so hard not to be the target of the narcissist.
That is how it seems around how my older children, except my second born son, who has ASD1, and schizophrenia or ASD2, I'm not sure. My ex would never let me get him diagnosed or get any supports in for him, when he was younger, and when I could finally take him for a diagnosis, as a young man, I was told that they couldn't, be assessed for Autism, while he was suffering from psychosis. Later, with his support services, they have gotten him the diagnosis, but nobody told me any more than that. He is 31 now.
As a younger teenager I finally was able to get him into a pediatrician and they diagnosed him "developmentally delayed" and "cognitively impaired".
Me trying to get support for him and his dad trying to block all supports has been a constant source of me being demonized by his dad and my older kids
He, my Autie son, is not mean to me though. He is very grateful. I know he is. Even if he doesn't say it in so many words. His happiness and doing well is all the appreciation I need.

 

[Neri]

@Neri

I've tried many different ways to explain ND to sympathetic NT's, but never had any real success.

I'm accepted anyway, so (a) the failures aren't important to me, and (b) I get to try different approaches with the same people (e.g. family and long-term friends and acquaintances) as well as with new people.

Based on my experience, I have some suggestions:
* Go with "Aspie" (my choice) or something else that doesn't have any (zero) negative connotations. IMO "Autism" is "negatively loaded" for many people.
* Don't try for understanding. Working for acceptance has worked much better for me.
* Unlink any "co-morbidities" from being an Aspie. All the other ones can (should) be presented as separate "mental health issues". That term has become accepted, and the thresholds are being lowered rapidly, which makes it much easier to explain.

Your daughter seems to have a psychological bias she's not aware of.
I'd suggest you don't work on "walking back" earlier discussions on this topic, nor go into much detail on things she only partially understands. Hopefully it will be forgotten (or ideally "over-written" by "acceptance") in time.

Yeah. I think she is even confused but won't listen when I tell her "Aspie" or Aspergers and Autism are interchangable.

Thank you for the reassuring advice.
I think, firstly, I need to work on accepting her non acceptance. It's not like I haven't had heaps of practice with that sort of thing.

 

[Hypnalis]

I wasn't going to raise it myself, but since you have already:

It sounds like she has a moderate case of "Main Character Syndrome", perhaps with a dash of narcissism (**), and isn't capable of reclassifying you in her mind. Think of it as an inappropriate reversal of the "parent/child role" replacing the more appropriate adult-adult role, which is flat and equal rather than a strict hierarchy.

It's not necessarily all bad, but adult-adult is better across the board.

If you want a "soft" mitigation technique, and you know (100%) you can apply one without being obvious (this is absolutely essential) ask.

(**) Wikipedia links MCS directly to (sub-clinical) Narcissism, but I'd argue they are different.
To me, Narcs don't care about the damage they do. MCS doesn't exclude that: as long as they get enough attention they'll actively avoid unnecessary damage.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

She Is an adult entitled to her opinion; your job is to look after your son give him the best support you can.
my older brother was on the spectrum had other issues related to mental health as a family we took care of him
my brother's sister and I bought him a condo when the parents passed, lived in dads basement. When my dad passed, we had the condo bought within a few days no issues with our respective spouses, just got it done boy was I impressed with my siblings.

 

[Neri]

I wasn't going to raise it myself, but since you have already:

It sounds like she has a moderate case of "Main Character Syndrome", perhaps with a dash of narcissism (**), and isn't capable of reclassifying you in her mind. Think of it as an inappropriate reversal of the "parent/child role" replacing the more appropriate adult-adult role, which is flat and equal rather than a strict hierarchy.

It's not necessarily all bad, but adult-adult is better across the board.

If you want a "soft" mitigation technique, and you know (100%) you can apply one without being obvious (this is absolutely essential) ask.

(**) Wikipedia links MCS directly to (sub-clinical) Narcissism, but I'd argue they are different.
To me, Narcs don't care about the damage they do. MCS doesn't exclude that: as long as they get enough attention they'll actively avoid unnecessary damage.

I've not heard of the "Main Character Syndrome" I'll have to look into it.
I've researched narcissism quite extensively. Needed it to get my head around my ex's behaviour. He and Daughty were very tight for a long time. She was quite the golden child at one point. She feels not so popular with her dad these days.
She and Daddy were called "Grandiose" by my son's psychiatrist, at one point.
I've never been able to point out Daddy's narcissism. I've had to keep quiet about his devious and emotionally cruel treatment of me. They know, but there seems to be a code of never saying anything about it and being amnesiac about it. They let the odd admission out. She mentioned "brainwashing" in relation to him once, but he is let off, for the most part. Maybe it's just too scary and destabilizing to admit how he really is?

What do you mean by "soft mitigation technique? I am intrigued.

 

[Neri]

She Is an adult entitled to her opinion; your job is to look after your son give him the best support you can.
my older brother was on the spectrum had other issues related to mental health as a family we took care of him
my brother's sister and I bought him a condo when the parents passed, lived in dads basement. When my dad passed, we had the condo bought within a few days no issues with our respective spouses, just got it done boy was I impressed with my siblings.

I've done a great job getting older autie son sorted. He has a "supported independent living" amazing group home. There only one other tenant at the moment and she is a lovely older lady that I used to do choir with and the house is practically a mansion. He has amazing support workers and day programs. He is fine
Its my younger Aspie son who I still need to give a great deal of support to. But he is making great "leaps and bounds" and planning to move to a big city soon. Going into music production

 

[chincey_james]

Ultimately, we can't control who believes we are autistic. Heck, even some experts might disagree between each other, let our alone family members.

The only thing that is in our control is using our diagnosis (self or otherwise) to live in a wiser, more self-compassionate way.

Still, no one will deny it's a better situation when others do believe it. It's very hurtful to be denied after opening up about something so personal.

 

[Judge]

At the moment, it seems she has zero interest in trying to understand. I thought we had a more supportive relationship, but, now I think about it's more one sided with me being supportive of her and her wanting even more and more and feeling a little victimized that she doesn't get enough of me. And this is after years, 9 years, of her siding with her dad and being happy to be abusive and rejecting and dismissive of me.

The tragedy of it all is the reality that everyone defaults to their own thought processes, whether neurotypical or neurodivergent. However there is one enormous consideration to make. What I always refer to as "the numbers".

Granted the CDC's assessment may not be entirely accurate, however as a benchmark there is one glaring statistic to consider in why most NTs are so quick to support and default only to their own way of thinking:

Because for every one of us, there are sixty-eight of them.

Compounded by a society that covets the consensus of any majority. Making it fundamental for so many without any knowledge or ties to autistic persons to naturally default to their way of thinking and ignore our own.

Leaving us in a perpetual mathematical minority. A devastating, and quite impersonal thing we are forced to deal with, where in most cases even the closest persons in our social orbit will not understand, and have no incentive to do so anyways. And it's not their fault as to how the disparity between us and them has happened.

 

[Neri]

@Neri
Sorry you are going through this.Especially with your own child .
I had to dislocate myself from some people after my diagnosis.

What I have found is most people are ignorant about autism . They don’t understand a spectrum concept or difficulty within one’s mind .
Now if you had no legs they would see this and treat you much differently.
The problem to not observe , understand or comprehend autism is on them .
The best you can do is make the quality of your existence better.

I wish there was a way to transfer my experience just for 1 minute to certain people .
As of now I am having severe sensory issues
I can’t even get out of bed yet
because from the moment I woke up
A tv is blasting
Bright lights are on
The cat is walking around meowing very loud
The dog is out side barking at anything that moves
And the motion sensor is being triggered on my phone every time the dog runs back forth in the yard .
My brain feels like it is going to explode

It is physically hurting my brain and ears because it is so much pain .

Now I know this has already put me in shut down and if I go downstairs I’m not gonna be able to decipher and fill all the blanks with what people are trying to tell me.
I am irritable now.
And if I express what is wrong nobody cares or if I complain and I am told I am being rude.

Can someone ever comprehend my experience who is not on the spectrum probably not . I wish they could .

Sorry for the rant.
But what I don’t need to convince anyone or care to anymore .

I know this is not healthy but I usually don’t associate often with people that need to be convinced.

All though I have a hard time imagining what that would be like with one’s own child .
I feel for you, and wish you luck .
We are here to listen to you vent.
And there could be some good advice as well .

I'm sorry to read things are so rough for you, at the moment. That sucks.
Thank you for the supportive words despite how things are for you at the moment